Sitting

Some days it continues to be unreal that Aiden is not here. Last night Nygel and I talked about him. We sat with Mason in the nursery and talked about Aiden. How our 17 month old should be here sharing family time with us. I cried. It still is so so very hard. But I also smiled as Nygel talked about the personality he knew Aiden would have. About how he pictured our firstborn son growing up- the way he would look and behave. Our sweet Aiden.

I miss him so much.

At church this past Sunday our pastor preached about Mary, Martha, and Lazarus. The sermon came from John 12:2-3:

There they made him a supper; and Martha served: 

but Lazarus was one of them that sat at the table with him.

Then took Mary a pound of ointment of spikenard, very costly, 

and anointed the feet of Jesus, and wiped his feet with her hair: 

and the house was filled with the odour of the ointment.

Our pastor went on to discuss the different actions of the siblings after Jesus brought Lazarus back from the dead. Martha served- she showed her love and appreciation by serving the meal and giving of herself. Mary sacrificed- she took the most expensive thing she owned and gave it to Jesus. Her sacrifice was so great that it filled the house. In doing this she also helped prepare his body for what was to come soon. 

But here is where the story took an interesting turn for me.

How did Lazarus act after being raised from the dead? He just sat there. And this is what Jesus wanted him to do.

Hmmmmm.....

Why would Jesus want Lazarus to just sit there?

Well in the sermon on Sunday my pastor described exactly why. Jesus wanted this to show what He was capable of doing. To show that if you believe and have faith in Him, He can bring you back from anything.....in Lazarus's case from being dead.

Our pastor went on to say that at some point we have all been Lazarus. Maybe not physically dead but none the less, dead in some way. And that really hit home. When we lost Aiden I may as well have been dead. I didn't care about anything other than the fact that my child was gone. All my thoughts centered around the fact that my life might as well be over. 

And yet somehow 17 months later here I am.

As the sermon continued this was posed to the congregation- "Think about where you were just a year ago." 

"Ok is he talking directly to me?????" was the thought running through my mind.

My heart stopped just a little as I considered this. 

Last year at this time I was numb, broken, and felt like life could just go on without me. I wanted to die without my son. I wasn't physically dead, but I really feel like I was as close as I could get to it. 

This year I still mourn my son's death. I still cannot believe he is gone and that I won't see him again until I leave this earth. But I also have joy and happiness that I never thought I would experience again. I love my family and the time that I share with them everyday. And I love that no matter what we include Aiden in our lives in everything we do. He is a part of every day conversations, his pictures are all over the house, and we talk to Mason about him whenever we can. Although I am missing an important piece of myself and forever will, I am not dead anymore.

Wow. That's an amazing thought.

I don't know that Jesus is sitting me up for anyone to look at right now. But maybe one day I can help someone else. Maybe one day I will be able to say "it's hard, terrible, and incredibly unfair the cross you've been given to bear. But one day you will experience happiness in your life again. It will always be intertwined with bits of sadness. BUT you will feel it again one day."

There are many women who I've had the opportunity to watch as they "sat". And as I look at their incredible strength and grace I am always thankful to be blessed with the opportunity to have that hope placed in my life. I draw strength from their strength.

So now I have a little more understanding of the story of Mary, Martha, and Lazarus. I never saw myself sharing a connection with Lazarus. But just as Jesus brought him back from the dead, I feel like slowly I am being brought back to life as well.

You know I hesitate to write things like this sometimes. For one reason I know it's hard for people who are struggling terribly with their grief to hear that "it's going to get better". It was hard for me for a long time to hear that even from other BLMs.  I also take pause because I don't want anyone for a second to think I am "over" losing Aiden. I will never be over it. In my mind it's not something to get over. His loss is something I will carry with me forever. I will carry him in my heart forever. So when I say I'm doing ok it doesn't mean I forgot about Aiden because I have another child now. It doesn't mean I'm cured and so now safe to talk to again. It definitely doesn't mean that stupid comments don't still cut like a knife.

It simply means I'm healing. I'm hoping. I'm trying to let love fill me up as much as possible.

And I'm always missing and loving my Aiden.

Happy 17th months my sweet boy! 

~ Love Mama