Mother's Day

Mother's Day this year was a different experience for me. I've been a mother for quite some time now even though most people never acknowledged that before Mason was born. But this Mother's Day was different in so many ways. Different emotions, thoughts, and I didn't feel quite the way I expected to this year.

In the weeks leading up to Mother's Day I struggled like I haven't struggled in a while. The sadness and grief were overwhelming.

May 2nd marked Aiden's 18th month in Heaven. And that was rough. I spent a lot of time in the nursery with his pictures and I cried and cried and cried some more. Then I went and found Nygel and cried for even longer. I haven't had a long cry like that in awhile and I guess I needed to get it out.

I miss him so much. So very much.

I honestly wasn't really looking forward to Mother's Day. If I can't have both of my boys with me then really what's the point? I told Nygel I just wanted a quiet day at home.

One morning while Nygel was still sleeping I took Mason into the nursery and began showing him Aiden's pictures. Now Mason has seen pictures of Aiden before but on this morning it was different. I almost fell over when his face lit up in the biggest smile I've ever seen him give! Tears sprung to my eyes and I said "Oh you know Aiden huh? You know your big brother?" And I swear he gave an even bigger smile than before. It was amazing! The look on his face was like, "Duh mama- of course I know him! That's my brother. I love that guy!"

I could not stop crying.

I ran to our room and woke Nygel up to tell him- "Mason knows Aiden!!!"

The best Mother's Day gift ever. My boys know each other. Makes my heart smile every time I think of it ♥ My Mother's Day ended up being exactly what I wanted- quiet, peaceful, full of love, and with me being surrounded by all my boys.

I hope you all had a peaceful Mother's Day. Thinking of you all and your sweet babies.

:::

Dear Aiden,

Thank you so much for being my son, my love, and forever a part of my life. I love you more than words can fully express. I am so grateful that you make yourself a part of your brother's life. I am so happy that you know each other. You are an amazing big brother as I always knew you would be. I miss you, I love, and I think of you always.

Happy 18 months sweet boy!

Love,
Mama

Sometimes it's just tough

Yesterday was rough.....I struggled a lot yesterday.  I cried in my closet before I left for work, I cried the WHOLE way into work, I cried in my car before I went in to the office, and I cried a little on the phone with Nygel before I got myself together.

I miss my son so much.  I feel like everyday I have to put on this brave face and be happy but that's not how I always feel.  I feel like the world is still going on and I'm stuck in time.  I miss my son.....

It's so hard to see pregnant people and babies everywhere- work, Facebook, Target (even at my favorite store I am bombarded with pregnancy and babies).  It's so hard to listen to people talk about how their babies keep them up at night with all their kicking- I just want to scream "Enjoy those kicks because I would give anything to feel my baby boy kicking again!" I am happy for everyone who has their blessings and miracles but it just serves as a constant reminder of what I don't have.....my Aiden.

I'm feeling ok this morning.....but I know that could change in an instant.  I know tomorrow will be harder....Aiden would have been 5 months old tomorrow.  Tomorrow will be 5 months since he went to heaven.  It's unbelivable.  How is my son gone?  How is this my life?

Yesterday when I was driving to work I think I zoned out for a while and imagined myself in a different life- one where Aiden was here, alive, happy, kicking, laughing, crying, looking cute like his daddy.  Oh what I would give to hear and see any of that.....but it's only real in my mind.  *Sigh*

Again I ask......How in the world is this my life?

Just really struggling right now.......