Right Now

I haven't posted in a while.....a long while. Life has been taken up with regular things. We spend our days watching Mason grow and change and be this amazing little person. And that makes me happy. He makes us happy. We smile more than I ever believed was possible again. He is an incredible boy ♥

But I still feel pain from what should have been. I feel sadness when I think of who I expected myself to be right now and the loss of who I was. I feel hurt when I remember the life that Nygel and I dreamed of for ourselves. The plans we made that have been forever changed.

Forever.

I miss this space. My space. Our space. Me and Aiden. The place where I can come to talk about him and get out all the emotions bottled up inside me. Where I can share him freely. There's so much on my heart lately. So many overwhelming thoughts and feelings.

November 2nd is so close. Closer and closer every day........

It's unreal.

Usually I reserve the word "meltdown" for Mason. He can go from happy to majorly upset in a matter of seconds. Playing with his toys and running around joyfully turns into crocodile tears and outstretched arms that only want mama 2.5 seconds later. I am always amazed at how fast his mood can change.....peaceful to meltdown.

And then I realized just how much Mase and I have in common when it comes to meltdowns. Because mine come on in a matter of seconds also. I'm happy and calm one minute and then moments later I'm a crying mess.

My own personal meltdowns.

I've been having a few lately. Meltdowns over how close his second birthday is to being here. Over how much I wish I could be doing for him every day. Over how incredibly unfair it is that my first born son is not here with us. Over how badly I miss him. So much. All.the.time.

Meltdowns for days. 

I think his birthday this year will be quiet again. Just our little family. I hope and pray that he can feel how much we love and miss him. Always.

And I try to remember that each day that goes by brings me a little closer to him again.

I love you Aiden. Always.

Missing a 16 month old boy

*This post was started on 3/11/12. I was so overcome with missing Aiden that I had to walk away from the computer. After a lot of tears I was able to come back and finish it. I love you Aiden forever and always*

Yep that's you little man- 16 months. I think you know how much I miss you. What I hope you know is that even though life has gotten hectic and crazy you are on my mind every day. In the midst of all the things that make up the day you are always near my thoughts.

Things are changing and in some ways that's good. But there have also been some hard/sad changes in our life as well. And as always I hate that changes mean that time is going on and taking us further and further away from the last time we were with you.

Your great grandmother left this earth last month just a few days after your 15 month anniversary. I know you are enjoying her in Heaven. I just KNOW she is smothering you with kisses and lots of loving. When you dad first told me his grandmother passed away I immediately thought of you. How you would have one more person to love you up close. It's funny how I look at death now. It's not that a life is over. It's a new life beginning for that person. And for your great grandma or Mimi as I know you are calling her- it's a new life with a lot of special people including you sweet boy.

I love how your grandfather (Big Daddy to you) never forgets you. Your grandfather wrote and read a very sweet poem at your memorial service. That poem has since been put on bookmarks and 8 x 10 picture paper with your beautiful picture so it could be framed. Your grandfather did all of this. I love that he always remembers you.

When I called to tell him I was so sorry that his mother was no longer with us I shared with him that I knew she was with you and your Papa. And that you were all happy together. He said to me, "Hold on, I want to read you something." He read me the most beautiful poem that he wrote to your great grandmother and at the end he talked about how her mother, her husband (your Papa), and her great grandson (that's you little man) would be waiting for her in Heaven. I love how your grandfather never forgets you. And when we went to the funeral the program listed the three of you as loved ones waiting for her in Heaven. Your grandfather didn't just write great grandson or Aiden though. He wrote your whole name- Aiden William Jackson. I know this might not seem like a big deal to some people but to me it was HUGE. I love that you grandfather always remembers to remember you. I love how he makes you an important part of our lives even though you live so far away.

Funerals always remind me of how fragile life is. They remind me of you and your memorial service. Of the beautiful urn that sits by the bed every day and that I look at every night before I go to sleep. They remind me of your sweet little life and how you were taken from us way too soon.

My biggest fear is that you are alone. That even though I think these loved ones are with you, you're really all by yourself. That you need my arms around you and I'm not there. I hate that I'm not there.....

I wish I could do more. I can't tell you how much my heart is breaking right now. I had to stop typing this post for a while to get myself together. The feeling- the heart stopping, breath stealing feeling- of missing you that is every where around me right now is holding on and not letting go. It's amazing how quickly it can creep in and take over.......

At 16 months I miss you just as much as I did the second I knew you were gone. And I know even when it's been 16 years I will still miss you just the same.

I love you forever and always my sweet boy. You will always fill my heart and although remembering sometimes brings a lot of pain it is only because I love you so very much.

Love you baby,
Mama

Dear Aiden......

Dear Aiden,

This morning I was driving in to work at 6 am for an early meeting and listening to some music on the radio. It was so dark because of the time change {plus mommy does NOT go to work at 6 am on a regular basis} so it was kinda weird driving in today.

My mind went to you {as it does so very often} and I was taken back to your birthday last year. I remembered how much I wanted to see your face. To finally meet the little person who had been growing inside me for 9 months. And I remember that morning....how in an instant all my hopes and dreams were crushed. You were gone.

And yet I still imagined your face.......

Would you have my eyes or nose? Your daddy's ears or lips?

What would my precious boy look like?

This morning as I drove I remembered the instant I laid eyes on you for the first time. How beautiful and perfect you were. How absolutely amazing it was to see you finally after waiting so long. That gorgeous face- so perfect and so like your daddy's. It brought tears to my eyes then as it did this morning.

Today was just one of those hard days. One of those days where I wish I could rewind time and do something {anything} differently and save you. One of those days where I want to just crawl back in the bed and pretend that you're here with us- that things are different.

I wish I could see you again, hold you again, kiss you again. I wish I could have your here with me now.

I miss you so much baby boy. Some days it still seems so unreal that we are living this life without you. That your first birthday in Heaven was just 13 days ago. How has it already been 2 weeks? Your due date is coming up in 2 more weeks. And that will be another tough day. So will Christmas. It will be our second Christmas without you. Sigh.......

I'm always reminded of what a precious gift you were to us. Our baby boy, our beautiful angel. You still bring so much love and hope to our lives every day. We love you more than words can ever fully express. I'm so happy to be your mama.

I miss you, I love you......

Love Always,

Mommy

Can't Sleep......

I've been up since 3 am........BAH!

Not sure exactly what's keeping me up but I know multiple things are contributing to my restlessness. So much in my brain right now- guess I need to get it out.....

It's Thursday......less than a week away from Aiden's birthday. I can't even believe my baby has been gone for almost a year. It breaks my heart every time to think about the events from last year. This time last year I was getting ready for a baby shower- lots of family and friends coming in for the weekend to celebrate our little man. I had no idea what the days immediately following my shower would bring. No idea of the heartache and pain that was about to come.

That girl was so innocent.....so unknowing.......

I'll never be that girl again.

I miss Aiden so much and my mind is racing with thoughts of him.

I ordered something special for us to use next week on his birthday- I think it's going to be a beautiful way to remember him ♥

I wish I was planning an over the top birthday party for my one year old son. I wish I was ordering a huge cake, sending out cute monkey invites, and planning for a house full of family and friends. I wish I could see him smash cake in his face.....I wish I could see him smile.....just once.

But all I can plan is how I'll remember him on his birthday.....how I'll be praying that he is not forgotten. I hope that he knows how much we miss him and love him.....I pray he can feel the love all the way in Heaven.

I've made all the plans I can for my baby's birthday and it just seems like it's so not enough.....sigh. I guess it will never be enough without him.

:::

I'm nervous about so many things. It's hard to keep it all straight in my head sometimes.........

I try to keep my mind and my heart focused on the positive.....reminding myself that all I can do is pray and hold on to my hope.

:::

A coworker this week lost someone very close to her. It took my breath away. I will never understand why things happen the way they do.....

I'm praying very hard for her and her family.

I'm praying for so many and hoping that there is a fair share of peace to go around this week.

:::

As always people can be so mean. Not anything related to Aiden this time but just a generally rude and mean person. I can't stand dealing with mean, insensitive people who are only concerned with themselves. And I can't stand seeing people be mean to other people for no reason. Pisses me off.

I hate mean people.

::: 

Ok I guess that's all for now- I'm going to attempt to take a short nap before I get ready for work. We'll see how that goes......

Giving Up

Do you guys ever have days where you feel like just giving up?  I mean just throwing in the towel and saying....."I'm done."

Today I'm not in a particularly bad or sad mood.  I'm just indifferent......just blah.  Nothing happened- no triggers.  I just feeling a little like nothing.

And I wondered to myself........what would people do if I just gave up?

What if I just really became that girl. You know her. The girl whose baby died. The girl who everyone tiptoes around and feels bad for.  The girl that everyone has pity for but at the same time kinda avoids because they might catch the baby dying plague. The girl who's feelings people forget about when they are so excited to gush and coo about babies in front of her. The girl that NO ONE wants to be. Yeah that girl.....what if I just become true to what everyone thinks......what if I just become that girl? What if I just give up?

I mean I am those things right?  I am the girl whose baby died, who no one wants to be, and who people avoid if they can.

People expect me to be normal now.....I mean come on right?  It's been almost 7 months. Surely I'm not still grieving. Surely I'm over "it" right?  No one (except close family and my BLM friends) even mentions anymore anything related to Aiden.  No one asks how I'm doing.  No one wants to bring it up for fear that I might actually want to talk about my son......how selfish of me right?

And it's easy for them to ignore because I am fairly put together each day.  I do put on a good front- a front that everything is ok when it's not.  A front that I don't want to cry when I really could shut my office door and ball my eyes out all day long if I truly allowed myself to think about Aiden as much as I want to. A front that makes people feel I'm the same old Natasha they used to eat lunch and laugh with.  I've made them feel comfortable again.

But what about me?

So maybe I should just give up and become that girl.  The crazy one right?  The one that flips out and everyone avoids again. The one that everyone whispers about. Maybe I should just give up and quit the front.  Maybe I should just scream at the top of my lungs "I AM NOT OK! But I'm trying the best I can to be and I hide my feelings so you won't be uncomfortable."  Maybe I should quit worrying about everyone's feeling and just do whatever I want to do. Maybe......

I guess for today I'm not giving up yet.....but I have to admit sometimes giving up sounds so good.

I Cried Today

I cried today.....I haven't done that in a while {awhile referring to a few days}. 

I remember the last time I cried. It was the night before the March of Dimes Walk. I went to Aiden's room and looked around at his things. I picked up his pictures and cried for what I didn't have...for what I'd never have. That's how Nygel and Cami found me....broken....in the beautiful rocking chair we bought for my little guy. Nygel helped me get to the room and I broke down in the bed again and cried for a long long time. He sat with me until I fell asleep. It was a rough night.

I cried today.....I had to talk about my Aiden and what happened that horrible day in November. I had to talk about how I had a perfect pregnancy.....an awesome amazing baby.....3 weeks left before I was to meet him. And then in the blink of an eye my little man was gone. Forever. And I was broken.....so super broken. And today I had to talk about it......and I cried.

I miss him so much. I long for all the things we planned for him. All the things that I think of as I go about my daily activities.

When I go in the bathroom by his room I picture myself bent over the tub giving him a bath or the cute little white step I wanted to get to put in front of the sink when he was old enough to brush his teeth. 

When I go in my guest room I picture my mom there hanging out on the bed with Aiden- taking care of him while we went to work. Laughing and talking and spoiling him like crazy.

When I look at his garden I picture my 6 month old laying on a blanket in the garden while the rest of us worked on the yard. And then I see myself giving up on the yard work (as I so often do) and laying on the blanket with him. And snuggling......

When I go into my kitchen I picture Aiden in his bouncer watching me cook dinner. I picture the baby food maker I had planned to purchase and all the meals I had planned out for him- sweet potatoes and pears, fresh green beans, and apple sauce. I had have so many recipes!

When I go into my bedroom and I look at our bed I always picture Aiden in the middle of my down comforter. I picture him looking so comfortable wedged between his Daddy and I as Nygel watches basketball and I read a book. Happily playing with his feet or a toy. I long for him to be in our bed instead of on the side of our bed in his urn. It breaks my heart every time......

I long for what I think is his smell. I often go in his closet and smell all the clothes I had washed and ready for him. I wish it were him I was smelling instead. I wish I could feel those soft fingers and toes. I long to kiss his feet and the rolls of fat on his arms and legs.  I wish I could hold my baby........

I cried today......I haven't done that in a while. I cried because I miss my son. No matter what I do I can't ever have him here with me. No matter how many good things happen to us it doesn't outweigh the horrible reality that my son is gone. And no matter how I try to put on a happy face and no matter how many times I really am actually happy......I am still so super broken about losing my precious Aiden.......

Positivity

You know I try really really hard to be positive about life despite everything I've been through in the last 2 years.  I am always an open book, I try to be giving, and just a good person in general.  I'm not always and in no way am I perfect- but I try to be the best person I can be.

How many of you love the movie Pretty Woman?  Me, me, me!!! *Jumping up and down and waving my hand around like a crazy woman!*  Julia Roberts is my favorite actress!!!! This is one of my favorite quotes from the movie:



Edward: "I was very angry with him. It cost me ten thousand dollars in therapy to say that sentence: I was very angry him. I do it very well, don't I? I'll say it again: I was very angry with him. Hello, my name is Mr. Lewis, I am very angry with my father."
Vivian: "I would've been angry at the ten thousand dollars."
~Pretty Woman

And I can say it too----

"I am very angry. Hello my name is Natasha and I am very angry right now."

For those of you who know me IRL or who "know" me from my blog you know that I don't get angry very easily.  But when I do it's usually because something is so bad it just really pushed me over the top. Right now I am so worn out and tired this morning from the emotional toll of dealing with hateful people on facebook and friends who just don't understand where I'm coming from.  It freaking sucks. And I'm tired of explaining myself.

So I guess I need to say this too---

"I am very sad right now.  Hello my name is Natasha and it breaks my heart that people can be so cruel and not understanding and I am very sad right now."

I have promised Nygel that I will NOT stress about this stuff so I'm putting it out here and then I'm done.  I just ask that you all keep me in your prayers so I can remain calm and peaceful and not turn into some psycho crazy woman.

Yep that's right- little ole Natasha could be a psycho crazy woman!  Ok now I'm making myself laugh at that image- tehehe!  So maybe I'm not so angry anymore.....literally laughing out loud at the image of myself as a crazy Jason-like character with a knife and some crazy music!  LOL!

Thank you God for always bringing me back when I'm down!

Sometimes it's just tough

Yesterday was rough.....I struggled a lot yesterday.  I cried in my closet before I left for work, I cried the WHOLE way into work, I cried in my car before I went in to the office, and I cried a little on the phone with Nygel before I got myself together.

I miss my son so much.  I feel like everyday I have to put on this brave face and be happy but that's not how I always feel.  I feel like the world is still going on and I'm stuck in time.  I miss my son.....

It's so hard to see pregnant people and babies everywhere- work, Facebook, Target (even at my favorite store I am bombarded with pregnancy and babies).  It's so hard to listen to people talk about how their babies keep them up at night with all their kicking- I just want to scream "Enjoy those kicks because I would give anything to feel my baby boy kicking again!" I am happy for everyone who has their blessings and miracles but it just serves as a constant reminder of what I don't have.....my Aiden.

I'm feeling ok this morning.....but I know that could change in an instant.  I know tomorrow will be harder....Aiden would have been 5 months old tomorrow.  Tomorrow will be 5 months since he went to heaven.  It's unbelivable.  How is my son gone?  How is this my life?

Yesterday when I was driving to work I think I zoned out for a while and imagined myself in a different life- one where Aiden was here, alive, happy, kicking, laughing, crying, looking cute like his daddy.  Oh what I would give to hear and see any of that.....but it's only real in my mind.  *Sigh*

Again I ask......How in the world is this my life?

Just really struggling right now.......

Hugs From God

I haven't posted all week which surprised me....I think I needed a little break.  I have been reading all the posts from the BLMs I follow and sending lots of prayers and love.  But I haven't been able to post.  Instead this week I wrote Aiden a letter.  I haven't written to him in awhile so instead of pouring everything out here I shared it with my son.  It was a super long letter but it felt so good to share with him everything that's been going on this week.  I love my special time with my little man.

I was feeling a little down this week.  As you all know it comes in waves and you never know when it's gonna hit you.  I miss Aiden.  Yesterday I almost lost it in a shoe store.  We were buying some Toms for me to wear for the summer and there were two moms gushing over each others newborns near the checkout- very loudly.  Normally I would look to see the cute babies...but not anymore.  I nearly burst into tears waiting for Nygel to pay for the shoes.  I was sad for a little while as we drove home.  Nygel knew it too.  He asked me if I was thinking of Aiden and of course my answer was yes.  So sad...nothing can just be normal anymore.

Another thing weighing heavily on my heart in addition to missing Aiden is all the stories of baby loss I've seen just in this last week.  I swear- every time I see another family with shattered dreams I want to bawl.  It....Breaks....My....Heart.....every time.  I am in constant prayer for these families as they try to pick up the pieces of their lives.

On Facebook early this week I posted this status:

"God always knows when you need a hug"

And it's so true. He really does. I was surprised this week by one of my staff.  Her son is 15 years old and paints.  When his mom showed him Aiden's name in the sand he spent two weeks painting his own version of Aiden's name in the sand.  That's right- HE PAINTED IT!!!  And it's absolutely gorgeous.  Everyone in the office could hear me screaming- "Oh my God- I love it!!!" over and over again!  I was so surprised and I really needed it.

Isn't he talented?????!!!!!  It's beautiful right????!!!!!  Totally made my day!  Thank you Keith!!!

Also I've been working like crazy on several different projects in Aiden's honor.  I'll have more details shortly so PLEASE keep a watch on my blog to find out what is coming soon!  Can't wait to share with you guys because all the BLMs I've meet in the last 4 months have truly inspired me. I've been looking for ways to remember all your precious angels and honor my amazing little man.  And I've FINALLY figured out how to do just that.  Like I said keep checking back and you'll see what I've been up to.  Wishing you all a peaceful Sunday......