Our Second Rainbow

Two weeks ago our lives were blessed again as we welcomed our third son into the world- Caden Alexander.

He arrived healthy, screaming, and beautiful. Caden is wonderful- a sweet little soul who made our hearts grow even bigger than ever. Even more wonderful? He looks just like his two older brothers. Makes my heart smile- my boys ♥

It's amazing to have two children in my arms. Of course two children in my arms doesn't change the longing for my first son who will be forever missed and remembered. My sweet Aiden.....he's always in my heart, mind, and soul. I am so grateful to him for helping get his second baby brother here safely. Wishing so much that I could have him here with me as well.

I love you Aiden.....always and forever my sweet boy ♥

Mama

Baby Jack.......Is Here!

Aiden, Nygel, and I wanted to share with you all that Baby Jack is HERE!!!!

Mason William

He was born Tuesday, December 6, 2011 at 12:57 pm and weighed 5 pounds 7 ounces. I have to tell you that this little man has already stolen my heart! We are all doing really well- just getting used to our new routine {HA if you can call it that!} Mommy and Daddy are exhausted but we are loving every minute of it!

I'll do my best to get back to posting soon!!!!

October 15th......Remembering

I woke up this morning and pulled out the laptop as usual. You guys know me- up early, on the computer, doing way too much before anyone else is even turning in their beds. What was unusual was the slide show that was pulled up and ready to go on the computer......waiting on me to press play.

My husband had put together a slide show titled "Us" and the word on the first slide- Love. This is the picture he used:

So I pushed play not quite sure what I was about to see- maybe wedding and engagement pics, maybe vacation pics, or family time pics.

But I wasn't prepared for what Nygel had done.

He put together a slide show of pictures from the last 2 years of our life {with the exception of the engagement photo above} both the good and the bad........

Pictures of me during my pregnancy with Aiden- all of them, showing my growing stomach. Sprinkled in between were my beautiful baby boy's ultrasound pictures. All the pictures we have showing him as he grew inside me.

There were pictures of our house being built last summer. The house we built for Aiden to come home to in November. Even one of me with my huge belly looking up at the almost complete house.

Pictures of us putting his nursery together, my birthday last year, and all the craft projects I made for Aiden. Pictures of the words we put over his crib and the sweet little monkey I put on the wall for him.

Pictures of Aiden after he was born.....my beautiful perfect boy. Pictures of our sweet beautiful family of 3.

At this point in the slide show my watering eyes overflowed and poured out the tears I had been holding back. Oh my God.....my son.....he is BEAUTIFUL.

Pictures of us after we lost him- together trying to build ourselves back up. Trying to have hope when everything seemed so hopeless.

Pictures of all the remembrance things we have made and that others have made for us. All the things that make me smile as I remember how special Aiden is to so many.

Pictures of us with Cam- the puppy we got a month and a half after we lost our son. The puppy Nygel wanted to buy Aiden when he got here and insisted he was still getting for his son despite everything. The puppy who was born November 4, 2010.....just 2 days after Aiden. The puppy who helped us smile a little on the days when we really didn't want to. Who lets me hug her whenever I want to and licks my face and hands when I can't stop my tears. My son's puppy.....his Cami.....that we get to take care of for him.

And then.....pictures of the 4 pregnancy tests I took on Aiden's 6 month Angelversary in May. The proof that our family was growing again. That Aiden was going to be a big brother.

More pictures of us grieving our son- balloon releases, flowers, all to remember our special little boy.

Pictures of my pregnancy with Baby Jack......ultrasounds, the stomach that has been clearly visible {read huge} since oh about month 2! Pictures from Nygel's birthday party when we weren't telling anyone yet that we were pregnant but I can see that stomach so clearly when looking at myself from that day.

Pictures of me and Baby Jack in Aiden's garden and with the beautiful purple flowers my mom planted for me. They bloom new every morning ♥

Pictures of us at the Walk to Remember earlier this month.....and the beautiful balloon release in honor of all the sweet babies gone too soon.

The last picture is of Nygel and I- you've seen it before. We're sitting on a bench at the Walk to Remember so I can rest a bit before we walk. I'm holding Aiden's balloon with my long letter written to him on it and of course Baby Jack is nice and snug in my tummy. I love it.....my little family.....all 4 of us.

I can't tell you how much I love this man. The slide show was perfect. It encompasses everything that we have been through together with our children and I love that. Although my eyes are slightly swollen and very red right now, I love that I was able to wake up to such an amazing slide show this morning.

The songs he used were also perfect......you can check them out here:

Fix You- Cold Play
I Was Here- Beyonce {I blogged here about how much this song touches me}
Chasing Cars- Snow Patrol

This week has been so hard for me.....more than you all can imagine. There is so much going on and it's hard not to let anxiety, panic, fear, sadness creep back into my heart and soul. But as my friend Fran reminded me.....there is so so much hope....always.

Today is October 15th- National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. I spent this morning remembering in such a special way thanks to my husband. I am also burning a candle all day in memory of my Aiden and the sweet babies of so many of my BLM friends.

My hope today is that you all have some peace as you remember your precious little babies. This October 15th is so different for me that in years past. It means so much more......

Today I remember all the sweet babies that have left this world too soon.........

Small Miracles

This week I'm joining in with my friend Fran's Small Miracles Blog Hop which you can read all about here. The purpose of this Blog Hop is to celebrate Hope and share things that keep you going through this grief journey.

:::

Lately there are so many things that give me hope.....and that's pretty amazing.

Don't get me wrong- I still have my days where I miss Aiden so much that I could just lay on the floor of my closet the.whole.day.

But there have been more days of being ok.

I think some of my non-BLM friends have a hard time accepting the response "I'm ok" when they ask how I'm doing. I think they are *hoping* I will say "Oh I'm doing good!" instead. But me being able to say "I'm ok" is a pretty huge deal. I mean for a long time I never thought I (or anything else) would ever be "ok" again. Being ok gives me hope.

:::

"For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them."

~Psalm 139:13-16

My sons give me hope. Aiden and Baby Jack (short for Baby Jackson). They are my inspiration and often what keep me going each day. I am always so grateful when I realize how much God has blessed me with my boys. Their little signs and reassurances help me to be "ok" a lot more often. I love you Aiden and Baby Jack.

:::

Nygel gives me hope. I can't say enough what an amazing husband I have. I think I really might have crumbled and disappeared into nothing in the last 10.5 months had it not been for the man that God placed by my side. He makes me laugh when I don't want to. He talks about Aiden with a smile in his eyes {love that} and remembers every.single.moment that he was here with us. He never makes me feel like there is anything wrong with me for bursting into tears in the doctor's office- yes this still happens. His strength gives me hope and I am so glad that I have him to lean on through all the trials life sends us.

:::

Via

Rainbows give me hope. I have been so fortunate in the last few months.weeks.days to learn about so many beautiful rainbow babies. And I had the chance to share with you all my little rainbow. They are definitely all small miracles! I am keeping all these mamas and their little ones in my prayers.

:::

What gives you hope today? Link up with the Small Miracles Blog Hop and share your hope!

And don't forget to share your Happy List in the Happy List Saturdays Blog Hop which can be found here! It will be open until Monday so it's not too late to share what's been making you happy lately!

Happy Wednesday everyone!