Giving Up

Do you guys ever have days where you feel like just giving up?  I mean just throwing in the towel and saying....."I'm done."

Today I'm not in a particularly bad or sad mood.  I'm just indifferent......just blah.  Nothing happened- no triggers.  I just feeling a little like nothing.

And I wondered to myself........what would people do if I just gave up?

What if I just really became that girl. You know her. The girl whose baby died. The girl who everyone tiptoes around and feels bad for.  The girl that everyone has pity for but at the same time kinda avoids because they might catch the baby dying plague. The girl who's feelings people forget about when they are so excited to gush and coo about babies in front of her. The girl that NO ONE wants to be. Yeah that girl.....what if I just become true to what everyone thinks......what if I just become that girl? What if I just give up?

I mean I am those things right?  I am the girl whose baby died, who no one wants to be, and who people avoid if they can.

People expect me to be normal now.....I mean come on right?  It's been almost 7 months. Surely I'm not still grieving. Surely I'm over "it" right?  No one (except close family and my BLM friends) even mentions anymore anything related to Aiden.  No one asks how I'm doing.  No one wants to bring it up for fear that I might actually want to talk about my son......how selfish of me right?

And it's easy for them to ignore because I am fairly put together each day.  I do put on a good front- a front that everything is ok when it's not.  A front that I don't want to cry when I really could shut my office door and ball my eyes out all day long if I truly allowed myself to think about Aiden as much as I want to. A front that makes people feel I'm the same old Natasha they used to eat lunch and laugh with.  I've made them feel comfortable again.

But what about me?

So maybe I should just give up and become that girl.  The crazy one right?  The one that flips out and everyone avoids again. The one that everyone whispers about. Maybe I should just give up and quit the front.  Maybe I should just scream at the top of my lungs "I AM NOT OK! But I'm trying the best I can to be and I hide my feelings so you won't be uncomfortable."  Maybe I should quit worrying about everyone's feeling and just do whatever I want to do. Maybe......

I guess for today I'm not giving up yet.....but I have to admit sometimes giving up sounds so good.