Four

Four years.

Every year seems like it's more painful than the last but I can say with certainty that birthday four has broken my soul into even more pieces than it had already been broken. I have spent many hours doing the painful gut wrenching crying that I remember so well from the beginning. I haven't had one of those awful screaming bawling fits in a while. But it wasn't hard to let myself feel it this year. I needed to feel it.

I've been trying to do this post since his birthday. And here we are almost to Christmas and I'm just able to finish what I started writing on November 2nd. I'm just starting to feel a little more like myself again. Except now Christmas is next week and I want so much to be labeling gifts for Aiden to place under the tree with his brothers' gifts. I want to have more for his stocking than just notes from Nygel, my sister, my mom, and I. I wish he had so much more in that stocking- that cards were coming in for him from family and friend the way they do for Mason and Caden. I want to see him squeal with excitement while opening the shiny remote control car he begged me for at Target. I want to see him and Mase covered in Nutella from their chocolate covered waffles on Christmas morning. I want so much.....

Mostly I just want to know him. I want to know what kind of little person he would be at age 4. I want to know if he would have the same smile as his brothers and eyes like his mom. I want to know if he would still have the same calm laid back personality he had in the womb- so much like his daddy. I want to know who my son would be today. And it is heart breaking that I never will. Not today not ever.

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Mason's teacher lost her mother to brain cancer last week. They found out in May that she was sick and in October they gave her until December 9th to live. She passed away on December 10th. As I hugged her at the school yesterday I thought about the pain this 23 year old is experiencing. She kinda leaned into me and I felt her pain, oh my God, the pain. Her grief journey is very different from mine but I have great empathy for her as she starts her way down the horrific road of loss. I know 4 other people who have lost loved ones in the last 2 weeks. Heartbreaking. One of the things that I know I've gained from losing Aiden is even more compassion for the pain of others. Life is so damn hard and so damn unfair. I can't stop thinking about why it seems that so many awful things happen around this time of the year. Why do the holidays have to be this dark and unforgiving? I literally spend from Halloween to way after New Years in a painful funk but yet still trying to make the holidays enjoyable for my family. This grief journey is truly a life sentence. I am so very tired sometimes.

More than anything I miss my boy. I wish I could have him here.
 

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This year for Aiden's birthday I made peach pie because peaches were his favorite food. I would eat like 15 a day while I was pregnant with him. I remember waking up in the middle of the night eating 2 peaches and going back to sleep. I spent many lunch breaks picking the perfect peaches from the store. Everyone liked the peach pie plan (and the pie of course) so I think this will be a birthday tradition for Aiden. We also released balloons for him and Mason was able to write his big brother a note from him and Caden. We grilled burgers and hot dogs and the kids spent the afternoon playing in the back yard. It wasn't what it should be but it was a good day for our family. I did spend some time with my sister sobbing on the couch for what we all have lost. And that was hard. But we mostly celebrated Aiden and that's how I wanted the day to be. It was what I needed.

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Dear Aiden,

I miss you so much son. I celebrate you on your birthday and every day. I love you so very much and I hope you can always feel that. I don't know what you think when you look down on us but I hope you're proud of your family and I hope you know that we will keep your memory alive until we're gone from this world. You are an incredible part of our family.

I love you to the moon my sweet boy. Forever and ever.

Love,
Mama

It's Been A While....

My house is quiet this morning, a rare thing at 6:30 am. Usually Mason is up watching Mickey Mouse Clubhouse in between running circles around the dog and cats while throwing toys left and right. Usually I'm rushing to get ready for work and sneaking in hugs and kisses in between brushing my teeth and combing my hair. Usually I'm trying to feed Cam and make sure she goes out to potty while keeping Mason from running outside with her. Morning are really hectic.

But not this morning. This morning my house is quiet. My boys are sleeping and it's just me with my thoughts.

When I'm alone and it's quiet my thoughts always go to my sweet Aiden. My thoughts go to him all the time but when it's quiet I can't help but wonder what it would be like if he were here with us. I wonder if it would really be quiet right now? Or would my 2 year old be up with me. Sharing hugs and kisses and snuggles. I would give anything for those hugs and kisses. And the snuggles.......

I haven't posted since November 6th so it's definitely been a while. After Aiden's birthday I didn't have a lot to say. My thoughts were just of him constantly....of what could have been. My friend Keelen says that when it's our baby's birthday the whole month belongs to them. And I feel that way too. November is Aiden's. He was due on Thanksgiving Day and born on November 2nd. So yeah pretty much the whole month is his. And Thanksgiving (and every other holiday) will never be the same. The holidays are just hard period. Mason helps so much to give us joy during the hardest time. But not matter what it's still hard.

I'm feeling sad this morning. Yesterday I was pretty grumpy and cranky. I guess moods swings never go away. But this morning sad is definitely the overwhelming feeling. Sad for myself. Sad for some of my BLM friends who are also having a hard time.

I think so often of the last moments I had with Aiden. I wish I could hold him one more time. Smell him and feel his weight in my arms. I picture Nygel singing to him by the window in our room. It breaks my heart that I could only see it that one time. It wasn't enough. It will never be enough. I'm just sad. Heartbreakingly sad.......

I am destined for a life where my happiness and grief are intertwined forever.

I miss my son.

A life sucks moment

That's what I'm having this morning.

I am desperately trying to remind myself that despite the horribleness of losing Aiden I have a lot to be thankful for each day. But sometimes the pain overshadows everything. I don't understand why my son died. I am still so heartbroken and confused. I still miss him so much. It hurts. So bad.

Maybe it's the holidays coming up. Because I can't adequately describe how awful it is to face another holiday season without Aiden. I think this time of year just wears on me. Aiden's birthday, the fall holidays happening again, all the memories that are flooding back.

I'm not even sure of everything I want to say this morning. Not sure how to get everything that's in my head out into words that make sense.

I just miss him.

Right Now

I haven't posted in a while.....a long while. Life has been taken up with regular things. We spend our days watching Mason grow and change and be this amazing little person. And that makes me happy. He makes us happy. We smile more than I ever believed was possible again. He is an incredible boy ♥

But I still feel pain from what should have been. I feel sadness when I think of who I expected myself to be right now and the loss of who I was. I feel hurt when I remember the life that Nygel and I dreamed of for ourselves. The plans we made that have been forever changed.

Forever.

I miss this space. My space. Our space. Me and Aiden. The place where I can come to talk about him and get out all the emotions bottled up inside me. Where I can share him freely. There's so much on my heart lately. So many overwhelming thoughts and feelings.

November 2nd is so close. Closer and closer every day........

It's unreal.

Usually I reserve the word "meltdown" for Mason. He can go from happy to majorly upset in a matter of seconds. Playing with his toys and running around joyfully turns into crocodile tears and outstretched arms that only want mama 2.5 seconds later. I am always amazed at how fast his mood can change.....peaceful to meltdown.

And then I realized just how much Mase and I have in common when it comes to meltdowns. Because mine come on in a matter of seconds also. I'm happy and calm one minute and then moments later I'm a crying mess.

My own personal meltdowns.

I've been having a few lately. Meltdowns over how close his second birthday is to being here. Over how much I wish I could be doing for him every day. Over how incredibly unfair it is that my first born son is not here with us. Over how badly I miss him. So much. All.the.time.

Meltdowns for days. 

I think his birthday this year will be quiet again. Just our little family. I hope and pray that he can feel how much we love and miss him. Always.

And I try to remember that each day that goes by brings me a little closer to him again.

I love you Aiden. Always.

Ugly Horrible Grief

Grief is something that is constantly a part of my life. Constant in the life of every BLM I know. It changes but it never goes away.

I know that most people on the outside looking in think that everything is fine over this way. We have our second son who brings us incredible joy. We work. We smile. We take pictures. We spend time with family and friends.

And most days things are ok.

But grief has this insanely stealth way of sneaking back in....no matter how hard you try to escape. In the dark it slips past your best defenses and attacks you when you least expect it.

Dramatic? Maybe. But that's how I'm feeling right now.

This week as been incredibly rough. Full of ugly, nasty, horrible grief.

Monday I woke up at about 2:45 am. Not because of a hungry, teething baby needing some loving from mama. But because of memories of another sweet baby. A baby who I can only mother and love from a far no matter how much I wish otherwise.

It's funny how some memories from those first few days are so vivid. The one that hit me early on Monday morning was a conversation I had with the funeral home director the day after I left the hospital. We were discussing exactly what would happen with Aiden and the options we had at that point. What an effin conversation to have. Never in my life did I think I would be discussing my baby's final arrangements around a big walnut conference table with a box of tissue covered with a gold plated box placed directly in front of me because of my nonstop flow of tears. With everyone looking at me like I could pass out at any moment. And how in the world did I manage not to pass out? Because I was seriously ready to die with Aiden. Passing out would have at least given me some kind of relief.

As I spoke with the funeral director about what they would do with my son's body until his memorial service I lost it. I cried uncontrollably and I told her that she had to take care of him and that I was having a hard time dealing with the fact that I had to leave him. But that was only part of it. My entire thought was "what kind of horrible awful mother would leave their child?" Yep that was me- the most horrible mother in the world. I left my child. How the hell could I leave him with strangers? Rationally I knew he was already gone from this world but who the hell is rational when their child dies? All I could think was that I was the worst mother ever. I left my baby.

And that's where I was this Monday morning. Right back in that moment where I left him. Where I became the world's worst mother. Not only did I not save Aiden but then I turned around and left him in a strange place with strange people. WTF was wrong with me?

I wish I could have saved him. More than anything I wish I could have saved my son.

I hate this grief. I hate that it can take me right back to those moments that are filled with the most pain I've ever felt in my life. I recognize that the pain I feel is the price I pay for loving Aiden and for carrying him in my heart always. It's just that when it comes the grief and pain is relentless. I feel like I can't breathe sometimes. My arms long to hold Aiden just one more time.

This week has been really bad- off and on crying and meltdowns. The constant thought is my head has been "I wish I could have saved him." I can't stop thinking about why my little guy is not here with me.

My heart is breaking all over again......


Dear Aiden,

I love you so much baby boy. I miss you so much it hurts. Seriously. I cannot believe that it has been 21 months since I held you. I can't believe that 2 years is so so so close. It seems like just yesterday that I had you in my arms. I know you know how much I love and miss you but I wish I could say it with you right here. Sitting in my lap. And sharing kisses with me afterwards. 

It's so hard sometimes. Things will seem ok and then some small thing will remind me of how much I've lost- the things that I will never have because you are not here. Like having both my boys tearing up the house and getting into everything.....together. I feel so robbed of the chance to see you and Masey together. Playing, laughing, being boys. We have all lost so much.

Thank you for the sweet reminders you have set me lately. It helps to know that you are never too far away. Although it's not enough I'm grateful to have something to help me through the tough times. 

I love you Aiden always and forever. 

Love,
Mama

Thanksgiving

The holidays so are different for me now. They bring up all the memories of our life last year and of the plans I had for our future. A future that is totally different from what I could have ever imagined.

Thanksgiving is a particularly rough one for several reasons.

Last year when we found out we were pregnant with Aiden- 2 months along and having no idea I was carrying our little miracle- we were also told that he had a very special due date.

November 25, 2010- Thanksgiving Day

Nygel and I both thought, "What a blessing! What a miracle! What an amazing thing to be thankful for this year!"

Thanksgiving took on a new meaning for me. I knew that Aiden probably would not arrive right on his due date but I still couldn't help but smile every time I thought about Turkey Day. The day my baby boy was scheduled to make his appearance. It was going to be perfect!

But that happy Thanksgiving was not to be.

Instead on Thanksgiving last year I was less than a month into my grief and trying desperately to hold on to my sanity. And failing........majorly.

In addition to being Aiden's due date, Thanksgiving is also the first holiday we had to make it through after losing him. I don't remember much from that day. I know my mom was here so we had food- although I wasn't really eating anything at that time. I know I probably looked a mess- I was doing good just to shower and change underwear. I know that other people were happy and celebrating all they had to be thankful for- but I couldn't.

I know that all I thought about was Aiden. How could my son be gone? How was this even possible? I want him back!!!!!

I remember many times during that first month waking up and looking out the window thinking it was all just a dream. I would feel so vividly that I was still pregnant. That Aiden was still moving. That we still had the chance to bring him home.

And then I would reach down and hold my tummy- trying to feel my little man. And reality would come crashing back down on me like a ton of bricks.

He was gone. Forever.

So Thanksgiving is a rough day. This year it fell on the 24th which meant I had both yesterday and today {Aiden's due date} to think about how different life should be. I made it through yesterday without any tears although even the smallest things {like folding laundry last night} brought my mind right to Aiden. I remember so well last year washing and folding all his little clothes and the precious "baby things" basket I used to hold his laundry.

This morning is different.

As I type this and Baby Jack kicks away in my tummy I am a mess of tears. I have so much to be thankful for but there is always a huge {ginormous} piece of me that is forever missing, forever tugging at my heart, forever leaving me incomplete.

My Aiden.

I'm forever thankful that he's a part of me and forever sad that we had to say goodbye to him way too soon.

I guess for me the holidays will always be difficult mix of sweet and bitter, happy and sad.

I pray that you all have peace as you remember and give thanks for the precious little miracle babies that fill your hearts today and always.........

Can't Sleep......

I've been up since 3 am........BAH!

Not sure exactly what's keeping me up but I know multiple things are contributing to my restlessness. So much in my brain right now- guess I need to get it out.....

It's Thursday......less than a week away from Aiden's birthday. I can't even believe my baby has been gone for almost a year. It breaks my heart every time to think about the events from last year. This time last year I was getting ready for a baby shower- lots of family and friends coming in for the weekend to celebrate our little man. I had no idea what the days immediately following my shower would bring. No idea of the heartache and pain that was about to come.

That girl was so innocent.....so unknowing.......

I'll never be that girl again.

I miss Aiden so much and my mind is racing with thoughts of him.

I ordered something special for us to use next week on his birthday- I think it's going to be a beautiful way to remember him ♥

I wish I was planning an over the top birthday party for my one year old son. I wish I was ordering a huge cake, sending out cute monkey invites, and planning for a house full of family and friends. I wish I could see him smash cake in his face.....I wish I could see him smile.....just once.

But all I can plan is how I'll remember him on his birthday.....how I'll be praying that he is not forgotten. I hope that he knows how much we miss him and love him.....I pray he can feel the love all the way in Heaven.

I've made all the plans I can for my baby's birthday and it just seems like it's so not enough.....sigh. I guess it will never be enough without him.

:::

I'm nervous about so many things. It's hard to keep it all straight in my head sometimes.........

I try to keep my mind and my heart focused on the positive.....reminding myself that all I can do is pray and hold on to my hope.

:::

A coworker this week lost someone very close to her. It took my breath away. I will never understand why things happen the way they do.....

I'm praying very hard for her and her family.

I'm praying for so many and hoping that there is a fair share of peace to go around this week.

:::

As always people can be so mean. Not anything related to Aiden this time but just a generally rude and mean person. I can't stand dealing with mean, insensitive people who are only concerned with themselves. And I can't stand seeing people be mean to other people for no reason. Pisses me off.

I hate mean people.

::: 

Ok I guess that's all for now- I'm going to attempt to take a short nap before I get ready for work. We'll see how that goes......

The Morning.....

Via

Mornings are my time. 

I go to bed really early most nights and I've pretty much done that since I was a kid :) Old soul.....

Since I go to bed early I wake up early too. And I like it. The mornings are my time to watch whatever I want on tv, catch up on stuff online/e-mails, and a lot of days just pull out a good book to read. I love my mornings to myself. Nygel is asleep, the animals are quiet {for the most part}, no phones ringing, just me and my thoughts. I usually think about 5 million things- how I feel about stuff, conversations I've had in the last few days, things I need to do that week. Sometimes I shut my brain off and just enjoy a Lifetime movie.

It's my me time.

When I was pregnant with Aiden I was excited for so many things :) Feeding him, sticking my nose in his little baby fat rolls, kissing his soft feet, brushing his hair (because I just knew it would look like mine when I was a baby), seeing him with his daddy......so many things. One of the things I was most looking forward to was the time I knew we would share together in the mornings. The time when we were the only ones who were up and the rest of the house was still quiet. 

I was completely ready/thrilled/overjoyed to trade in my me time for my us time.

Nygel is a night person so I knew that in the mornings I would have time to myself with my little man. I pictured us snuggling, me reading to him, tons of sweet kisses, playing with his feet, and probably a lot of me just staring at his amazingness. Lots of mommy and Aiden time ♥

I hate that he's not here to share my mornings. I miss Aiden so much. September is a little more than a week from being over it's even more painfully real that I am that much closer to being a year without my son. That means 365 days of not having any morning time together. A whole year of not being able to share my mornings with my sweet little baby boy. I still can't believe some days that he is really gone.

This morning I'm so wishing I could have some Mommy and Aiden time.  Oh how I long to share my mornings with him........

September

Today is September 1st and this morning my heart is heavy. I've been up since about 3:45 am and all I can think about is Aiden. I miss that little boy so very much......

Usually September is a pretty happy month for us. We have about 80 birthdays this month (ok maybe a slight exaggeration....but not by much) between family and friends so I usually go broke but I love surprising people on their special day. Also September is my birthday month so I always have something special to look forward to myself.

Last September on my birthday I was exactly 30 weeks pregnant with Aiden. This year on my birthday he will have been gone for exactly 10 months and 2 weeks.

A year really changes things.

Last year on my birthday I had no idea that in less than 2 months my life as I knew it would be over. I had no idea the horrible crashing down that was about to occur in our world. I was just so very happy to be pregnant with my little man.

Tomorrow will be September 2nd. This is one day in September that really didn't have any special meaning associated with it before this year. No birthdays of family or friends, no anniversaries.......just September 2nd.

This year September 2nd means Aiden has been gone for 10 months.

10 months of missing him. 10 months of crying more tears than I thought I ever had in me. 10 months of longing for something I will never have. 10 months of trying to adjust to my new life. 10 months with a broken heart. 10 months of missing a piece of myself.

I carried my baby boy for 36 weeks and 5 days and in less than 2 seconds that terrible day in November, my joy, my love, my child, everything was gone.

I think I couldn't sleep this morning because for some reason I just couldn't believe it.

Crazy right?

I mean really......how can I after all these months not believe my reality? But some how I still wake up on certain days and my mind thinks it was all just a dream. A horrible dream I can still wake up from- yeah I wish.

Sometimes I have good dreams that don't last for long enough. In my dreams I see Aiden and so many other beautiful babies and they just seem so real. How can they all be gone? How can all these families be living with broken hearts? How am I even still standing?

I'm not sure how I feel about September this year. So many mixed emotions, so many thoughts, so many what ifs. And it's not even November yet- no idea of what kind of state I will be in 2 months from now. And how in the world has it gotten so close to being a year already? A year with out him? This is unreal.

All I know is that I miss my son. I wish he was here. I wish I was celebrating my birthday with my hubby and my 10 month old. I wish for my birthday that I could have more time with him.

Well that did it........can't stop the tears from falling now.

I miss my son.