Four

Four years.

Every year seems like it's more painful than the last but I can say with certainty that birthday four has broken my soul into even more pieces than it had already been broken. I have spent many hours doing the painful gut wrenching crying that I remember so well from the beginning. I haven't had one of those awful screaming bawling fits in a while. But it wasn't hard to let myself feel it this year. I needed to feel it.

I've been trying to do this post since his birthday. And here we are almost to Christmas and I'm just able to finish what I started writing on November 2nd. I'm just starting to feel a little more like myself again. Except now Christmas is next week and I want so much to be labeling gifts for Aiden to place under the tree with his brothers' gifts. I want to have more for his stocking than just notes from Nygel, my sister, my mom, and I. I wish he had so much more in that stocking- that cards were coming in for him from family and friend the way they do for Mason and Caden. I want to see him squeal with excitement while opening the shiny remote control car he begged me for at Target. I want to see him and Mase covered in Nutella from their chocolate covered waffles on Christmas morning. I want so much.....

Mostly I just want to know him. I want to know what kind of little person he would be at age 4. I want to know if he would have the same smile as his brothers and eyes like his mom. I want to know if he would still have the same calm laid back personality he had in the womb- so much like his daddy. I want to know who my son would be today. And it is heart breaking that I never will. Not today not ever.

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Mason's teacher lost her mother to brain cancer last week. They found out in May that she was sick and in October they gave her until December 9th to live. She passed away on December 10th. As I hugged her at the school yesterday I thought about the pain this 23 year old is experiencing. She kinda leaned into me and I felt her pain, oh my God, the pain. Her grief journey is very different from mine but I have great empathy for her as she starts her way down the horrific road of loss. I know 4 other people who have lost loved ones in the last 2 weeks. Heartbreaking. One of the things that I know I've gained from losing Aiden is even more compassion for the pain of others. Life is so damn hard and so damn unfair. I can't stop thinking about why it seems that so many awful things happen around this time of the year. Why do the holidays have to be this dark and unforgiving? I literally spend from Halloween to way after New Years in a painful funk but yet still trying to make the holidays enjoyable for my family. This grief journey is truly a life sentence. I am so very tired sometimes.

More than anything I miss my boy. I wish I could have him here.
 

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This year for Aiden's birthday I made peach pie because peaches were his favorite food. I would eat like 15 a day while I was pregnant with him. I remember waking up in the middle of the night eating 2 peaches and going back to sleep. I spent many lunch breaks picking the perfect peaches from the store. Everyone liked the peach pie plan (and the pie of course) so I think this will be a birthday tradition for Aiden. We also released balloons for him and Mason was able to write his big brother a note from him and Caden. We grilled burgers and hot dogs and the kids spent the afternoon playing in the back yard. It wasn't what it should be but it was a good day for our family. I did spend some time with my sister sobbing on the couch for what we all have lost. And that was hard. But we mostly celebrated Aiden and that's how I wanted the day to be. It was what I needed.

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Dear Aiden,

I miss you so much son. I celebrate you on your birthday and every day. I love you so very much and I hope you can always feel that. I don't know what you think when you look down on us but I hope you're proud of your family and I hope you know that we will keep your memory alive until we're gone from this world. You are an incredible part of our family.

I love you to the moon my sweet boy. Forever and ever.

Love,
Mama

Right Where I Am: 3 Years, 9 Months, 4 Weeks, 1 Day

I'm a little late posting this but I really wanted to do this RWIA post for 2014.

Right where I am today is incredibly close to 4 years since I met and said goodbye to my sweet Aiden. One thing that has not changed in all this time is that it still feels unreal to be living without him. And there is not a day that goes by without me thinking of and missing him. Grief is real. And it's hard. And it never goes away. It's always there waiting to rise back to the surface. I am still grieving my son and I will be for the rest of my life.

I think from the outside we must look pretty normal to people. There are always two amazing and active little boys floating around us. And by floating I mean running, crashing into things, laughing really loud, fighting over toys, and having meltdowns. That's floating right- haha :) Just the fact that I find things in life to be fun and funny and happy- that is a huge change from when I wrote my first RWIA post. I also think in a lot of ways we are as normal as we can possibly be. You know without our missing child.

I really have found joy again. My days are spent chasing boys, tripping over dump trucks and legos, trying desperately to find what I'm looking for in my purse/diaper bag, cooking millions of turkey dogs and chicken nuggets, giving multiple baths a day, and trying to squeeze some mama time in there somewhere (although that doesn't happen most days). I'm also working full time 5 days a week. I'm worn out and tired at the end of each day but really it is the best kind of tired ever. I love Mason and Caden so much- sometimes I look at them and immediately big hot tears form in my eyes because I love them with this huge crazy love. I am so happy they are here, and mine, and I get to kiss and squeeze them. Every smile lights up my heart. They bring me happiness I never imagined would be possible again. The only thing that could make it better is if I were chasing 3 boys around. 

Right now there are so many things I want to do. I want to be able to write again and in fact I'm making myself a promise to try to write at least once a week. Even if I don't finish it right then maybe I can try to get back to posting a little more regularly. I've been wanting to write a book forever and now seems as good a time as any to pick my notes back up and get to it. My quiet moments are few and far between these days but early early morning seems to be my best hope.  

I also am working on finally decorating my house. That's a pretty big deal for me. We built this house in 2010 for Aiden and moved in 3.5 months before he was born. The only room that was ever completely decorated before his birthday was his nursery. After he passed away I just couldn't bring myself to finish unpacking or to decorate anything else. Honestly I really didn't care about the damn house. I just wanted my baby back. Now though feels like the right time to create an even more special space for my family. So I'm busy looking at fabrics and furniture and colors as well as creating boards to plan out what I want each room to look like. I'm trying to do some of it myself to save money where I can so projects are all over the place. Anyone want to paint some curtains with me??? 

Outside of my family my BLM tribe is my lifeline. When things get bad they are there. When things are good they celebrate with me. I look forward to seeing them on Instagram every day. Seeing what is going on with of all our rainbows and my dear friends makes me smile. I can't imagine life without these women who truly get the complicated tangle of love, grief, happiness, and crazy that rolls around inside me each day. I love that they will all forever remember Aiden with me. That they speak his name and mention him in every day talks just like they do Mason and Caden. That we can have conversations about fabulous Target sales and food but also grief and sadness. I am so grateful because in the midst of my grief and sadness I'm not alone. I have friends who love me and who love each of my babies as well.

~~~~~~~~

A few mornings ago Mase was sitting in my bed eating some fruit (I'm sure that surprises no one- ha!) while we were finishing up our morning get ready routine. As he sat facing my mirror he suddenly said "That's my big brother Aiden. He lives in Heaven." My breath caught and I looked up to see him point to the picture of Aiden on our dresser. "Yes baby," I said, "that is your big brother Aiden." Mase looked at me with a smile on his face and said, "Yep I love Aiden. That's my brother." 

I wanted to cry with joy- to hear Aiden's name come from Mason's mouth and to hear that he loves him. Oh my heart. It's in moments like these that I realize I'm doing something right. My sons will always know their older brother. They will always speak his name. They will carry him in their hearts just as Nygel and I do. 

Aiden is incredibly missed and loved every.single.day. That will never change. We will never stop talking about him with each other and sharing him with those around us. And we are so grateful for the family and friends that keep his memory alive with us. 

I love you Aiden 

Happy Third Birthday ♥

Oh my sweet Aiden  ♥

Today marks three years since the day I met you and held you in my arms. It's unimaginable that three years has passed already. I remember that day with you so vividly and I will never forget. The day my sweet boy was born.

I don't know how many ways I can say what's in my heart. I think you know so well. I miss you, I love you. I wish you were here. I would give anything to have another moment with you. To see you playing with your little brothers. To know what you would be like right now in this moment as a three year old little boy. To feel your kisses, and hugs......oh the sweet hugs. To hold your hand. To play with you at the park. To snuggle together on the couch and watch a Christmas movie together. I have missed out on so much. We have missed out on so much. It will never be fair. It will always hurt. I will forever want more than what I have. And know that I can never have what I really want.

Three years......three long years.....so very long.

Today we will celebrate your life. We will celebrate how much you mean to us and how much we love you. Everything about you is love to us. So today will be filled with love my dear. Stay close to us as we will need you just like we always do.

I miss you.

I love you.

Happy Birthday my sweet baby boy ♥

Love Mama

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"I loved the boy with the utmost love of which my soul is capable; and he is taken from me—

yet in the agony of my spirit in surrendering such a treasure 

I feel a thousand times richer than if I had never possessed it.” 

- William Wordsworth

::::::

BLM Weekend in Chicago 2013

I haven't posted here in a LOOOOOOOONG time. Too long really considering how special of a space this is for me. But after the weekend I just had it was impossible not to write about it.

From Friday to Sunday Mason and I were able to spend the weekend with some amazing mamas and babies. Beautiful rainbow babies. And not only did we get to meet all these rainbows but we were able to share the sweet little angels that brought us together.

Aiden

Cale

Andrew

Julius

Hayes

Jack

Addison

Eliza

Camille

Ava

Elizabeth

Anna

Bear

William and Ethan

It took me a few months to find the blogging world after we lost Aiden. From that horrible day in November to about January 2011 I was in a completely blinding fog. I couldn't see very much in any direction around me. And as I started to come out of the fog I began looking for someone who understood me. I scoured the internet for someone like me- who had experienced the worst possible loss in life and was still functioning. Someone who understood the insane places my mind went to every day. Someone who didn't need an explanation for the paralyzing fear I carried with me that I would lose everyone I loved now that Aiden was gone. Someone who understood my desperate need to have a living child.  Someone who just got me.

And through the blogging community I didn't just find someone. I found so many women who helped when I needed them the most. This amazing community of moms who never wanted to be a community but despite this were making the best of the horrible cards life had dealt them. I found women who supported me through my tears and sadness, who cheered for me in my small victories, who listened to the craziness that went through my head daily when I was pregnant with Mason, and who accepted me no matter what. I could be real, I could be myself.....and not be judged. That part means so much to me even today. Because there are not many situations in my life where I can be completely real and myself. Not after losing Aiden. I still have to fake it sometimes. But with my BLM friends it all the real deal Natasha.

Sad, Grumpy, Crazy, Happy, Disgusted, Pissed Off.

You name it I can be it and these ladies still accept me. No faking at all. I am so grateful for everyone I have connected with through blogging ❤

I was fortunate enough to take a trip to Minnesota in 2011 when I was pregnant with Mason to meet some BLM friends. It was a much needed trip and I spent several days letting out all my bottled up emotions with people who understood me.

Well last Friday (exactly a week ago!) Mason and I were at the airport heading to Chicago to meet some more of our friends in person. And it was amazing!

My sweet friend Caroline (Cale and Finn's mama) came to pick us up from the airport to start the weekend. Caroline and I got to meet a few months back and go to dinner with our hubbies and our rainbow boys which was great:) She took us to Brandy's house (Andrew and Benjamin's mama) where we were bombarded with love. Caroline actually carried Mason in and the first thing I heard was my favorite Southern Belle Molly (Sloane, Hayes, and Kellan's mama) say "it's Mason!" Lol!

From there it was crazy chaos! But like the best chaos ever :) Babies, mamas, toys, sippy cups, diapers, and of course......The Lawn Mower. We ended up having to hide this toy which apparently Benjamin though was just 'ehhh' but my child and Finn and a few others were seriously fighting over! I have one on order for Mason right now so hopefully it will be here soon!

Late that evening we headed to the hotel to rest up. One of my dear friends Tiffany and her daughter Juliana were our roommates. Tiffany and I have also met in person before and the last time we saw each other we were both pregnant with our rainbows who were born exactly one month apart! Tiffany is also mommy to sweet Julius who along with Aiden brought us together. Mase and Juli had a ball playing and watching cartoons on the iPad once we got settled in the hotel. Lots of fun!

Saturday was also a great day. No firm plans just a picnic in the park with a bunch of babies and mamas and some awesome dad's who also made the trip. I cannot tell you how nice it was to see all those kiddos together. Like one of the best things ever. The only thing that would have made it better would have been their sweet older siblings there with us. But I gotta tell you, I really feel that they were. I felt Aiden with me. I felt the other angel babies there with us as well. So wonderful.

It was great feeling so completely comfortable with women I had not ever technically met in person (except for 2) but who I knew so well from sharing our lives with each other through blogs, emails, texts, and pictures. Women who get me. And all my issues. Being able to hug them and share meals and laughter and tears in person? No words- just perfect. Thank you so much ladies.

And the babies. Seeing the babies that I anxiously waited for with their mamas, saying many prayers and shedding lots of tears through pregnancy ups and downs. Man, meeting and loving on them was pure joy. Again I felt like I knew them all so well already from their adorable pictures and the descriptions their moms shared of them. But their sweet little personalities in real life were enough to keep me smiling the whole weekend.

Another amazing part of the weekend was watching all the mamas mother on everyone's babies. I can't tell you how much these ladies helped me with Mason when I really needed it and I am so appreciative! The love shown to these sweet rainbows by all the mamas was just beautiful. And I can't leave out the dads! Because my friend Laura's husband (they are mama and daddy to Jack and Grace) was Mason's BFF on this trip. For real. Best friends! And Scott was so wonderful with him! Thank you guys!

Seriously I can't even name everything that was so wonderful about this trip- there are way too many. It was just what I needed when I needed it. We laughed, we cried, we shared all of our babies. It's always therapeutic to me to be able to speak openly about how I feel and not hide my emotions. Again I can only say I am so grateful for all the women who have taken me in and loved me and my babies when I needed it the most.

When Mason and I headed home Sunday I was exhausted but my heart was full of all I experienced over the weekend. I can't wait to for my next opportunity to see these ladies as well as some of my other BLM friends who weren't able to make the trip this time. Even though you were definitely thought of I can't wait to see you face to face! My heart is already ready for the next time........until 2014. Or sooner if we can manage it!

All the babies and mamas ❤ 

Haven of Hope Retreat

Every year I post about an amazing retreat held here in Texas for mothers who have experienced the loss of a child. You can see my post about the first retreat here and my post from last year here.

The third annual retreat is coming up and I hope that if you are in the area (or even if you are not) you'll consider attending. The retreat has been such a blessing to my heart and I have so many dear friends who I met there. This year it is being help March 8th-10th in Round Top, Texas. You can register from now until March 1st.  Here is the retreat flyer:

For more information on the retreat you can visit the Haven of Hope website. Susan, Marsha, and Daisy started Haven of Hope with so much love and it shows in everything they do for us mamas. If you are planning on coming to the retreat definitely let me know!

I'll leave you with their words regarding the retreat:

Haven of Hope is a non-profit ministry dedicated to walking alongside other mothers that have also suffered the loss of a child, pointing them to our HOPE in Jesus Christ.

“Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, The Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, Who comforteth us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort them which are in any trouble, by the comfort wherewith we ourselves are comforted of God.”

-II Corinthians 1:3-4

You are not alone.

It's Been A While....

My house is quiet this morning, a rare thing at 6:30 am. Usually Mason is up watching Mickey Mouse Clubhouse in between running circles around the dog and cats while throwing toys left and right. Usually I'm rushing to get ready for work and sneaking in hugs and kisses in between brushing my teeth and combing my hair. Usually I'm trying to feed Cam and make sure she goes out to potty while keeping Mason from running outside with her. Morning are really hectic.

But not this morning. This morning my house is quiet. My boys are sleeping and it's just me with my thoughts.

When I'm alone and it's quiet my thoughts always go to my sweet Aiden. My thoughts go to him all the time but when it's quiet I can't help but wonder what it would be like if he were here with us. I wonder if it would really be quiet right now? Or would my 2 year old be up with me. Sharing hugs and kisses and snuggles. I would give anything for those hugs and kisses. And the snuggles.......

I haven't posted since November 6th so it's definitely been a while. After Aiden's birthday I didn't have a lot to say. My thoughts were just of him constantly....of what could have been. My friend Keelen says that when it's our baby's birthday the whole month belongs to them. And I feel that way too. November is Aiden's. He was due on Thanksgiving Day and born on November 2nd. So yeah pretty much the whole month is his. And Thanksgiving (and every other holiday) will never be the same. The holidays are just hard period. Mason helps so much to give us joy during the hardest time. But not matter what it's still hard.

I'm feeling sad this morning. Yesterday I was pretty grumpy and cranky. I guess moods swings never go away. But this morning sad is definitely the overwhelming feeling. Sad for myself. Sad for some of my BLM friends who are also having a hard time.

I think so often of the last moments I had with Aiden. I wish I could hold him one more time. Smell him and feel his weight in my arms. I picture Nygel singing to him by the window in our room. It breaks my heart that I could only see it that one time. It wasn't enough. It will never be enough. I'm just sad. Heartbreakingly sad.......

I am destined for a life where my happiness and grief are intertwined forever.

I miss my son.

A life sucks moment

That's what I'm having this morning.

I am desperately trying to remind myself that despite the horribleness of losing Aiden I have a lot to be thankful for each day. But sometimes the pain overshadows everything. I don't understand why my son died. I am still so heartbroken and confused. I still miss him so much. It hurts. So bad.

Maybe it's the holidays coming up. Because I can't adequately describe how awful it is to face another holiday season without Aiden. I think this time of year just wears on me. Aiden's birthday, the fall holidays happening again, all the memories that are flooding back.

I'm not even sure of everything I want to say this morning. Not sure how to get everything that's in my head out into words that make sense.

I just miss him.

Ugly Horrible Grief

Grief is something that is constantly a part of my life. Constant in the life of every BLM I know. It changes but it never goes away.

I know that most people on the outside looking in think that everything is fine over this way. We have our second son who brings us incredible joy. We work. We smile. We take pictures. We spend time with family and friends.

And most days things are ok.

But grief has this insanely stealth way of sneaking back in....no matter how hard you try to escape. In the dark it slips past your best defenses and attacks you when you least expect it.

Dramatic? Maybe. But that's how I'm feeling right now.

This week as been incredibly rough. Full of ugly, nasty, horrible grief.

Monday I woke up at about 2:45 am. Not because of a hungry, teething baby needing some loving from mama. But because of memories of another sweet baby. A baby who I can only mother and love from a far no matter how much I wish otherwise.

It's funny how some memories from those first few days are so vivid. The one that hit me early on Monday morning was a conversation I had with the funeral home director the day after I left the hospital. We were discussing exactly what would happen with Aiden and the options we had at that point. What an effin conversation to have. Never in my life did I think I would be discussing my baby's final arrangements around a big walnut conference table with a box of tissue covered with a gold plated box placed directly in front of me because of my nonstop flow of tears. With everyone looking at me like I could pass out at any moment. And how in the world did I manage not to pass out? Because I was seriously ready to die with Aiden. Passing out would have at least given me some kind of relief.

As I spoke with the funeral director about what they would do with my son's body until his memorial service I lost it. I cried uncontrollably and I told her that she had to take care of him and that I was having a hard time dealing with the fact that I had to leave him. But that was only part of it. My entire thought was "what kind of horrible awful mother would leave their child?" Yep that was me- the most horrible mother in the world. I left my child. How the hell could I leave him with strangers? Rationally I knew he was already gone from this world but who the hell is rational when their child dies? All I could think was that I was the worst mother ever. I left my baby.

And that's where I was this Monday morning. Right back in that moment where I left him. Where I became the world's worst mother. Not only did I not save Aiden but then I turned around and left him in a strange place with strange people. WTF was wrong with me?

I wish I could have saved him. More than anything I wish I could have saved my son.

I hate this grief. I hate that it can take me right back to those moments that are filled with the most pain I've ever felt in my life. I recognize that the pain I feel is the price I pay for loving Aiden and for carrying him in my heart always. It's just that when it comes the grief and pain is relentless. I feel like I can't breathe sometimes. My arms long to hold Aiden just one more time.

This week has been really bad- off and on crying and meltdowns. The constant thought is my head has been "I wish I could have saved him." I can't stop thinking about why my little guy is not here with me.

My heart is breaking all over again......


Dear Aiden,

I love you so much baby boy. I miss you so much it hurts. Seriously. I cannot believe that it has been 21 months since I held you. I can't believe that 2 years is so so so close. It seems like just yesterday that I had you in my arms. I know you know how much I love and miss you but I wish I could say it with you right here. Sitting in my lap. And sharing kisses with me afterwards. 

It's so hard sometimes. Things will seem ok and then some small thing will remind me of how much I've lost- the things that I will never have because you are not here. Like having both my boys tearing up the house and getting into everything.....together. I feel so robbed of the chance to see you and Masey together. Playing, laughing, being boys. We have all lost so much.

Thank you for the sweet reminders you have set me lately. It helps to know that you are never too far away. Although it's not enough I'm grateful to have something to help me through the tough times. 

I love you Aiden always and forever. 

Love,
Mama

20 Months.......Wow

Dear Aiden,

I can't believe this month you have been in Heaven for 20 months. There is something about that 2 at the beginning of the number that takes my breath away.

20 months...........

How is it possible that in just a few short months it will have been 2 years. November 2nd will have come twice since the day you were born. It just doesn't seen like so much time has gone by. You feel so close and yet so far away. I wish I could put into words a little better how I'm feeling but it's hard.

All I know is that I still think of you every single day. And I love you more than words can fully express. I can't wait until your brother is old enough to really understand who you are when we show him your pictures and talk about you.

I need to begin planing how we'll celebrate your birthday this year. I'd like to make a cake and I've been thinking of taking some cake decorating classes. We'll see how that goes- hopefully my cakes are pretty enough for your birthday :)

Thank you for all the sweet little reminders you send to me so often. It helps to know that you think of me just as I think of you ♥ And I've needed that these last few weeks.

Remember that you are always on our minds and hearts. I love you always my sweet boy ♥

Love,
Mama

Dear Aiden- 19 Months

Dear Aiden,

It's actually a pretty quiet morning around the house and it is just the perfect time to write to you. Right now it's just me and Cami that are awake. Your little dog is so funny- and so not little! She's about 72 pounds right now! I know, such a big girl! I just know you would get a kick out of all the craziness she does. Like stealing the cat's food, chasing rabbits in the neighborhood, and barking at the doorbell ringing on tv. Seriously hilarious baby boy :)

Today my heart feels a little lighter. I'm not really sure why. But it's a welcome thing so I hold on tight to it whenever the feeling hits me. I know you have a hand in helping me breathe a little easier some days. And I thank you for that.

Things are boring and peaceful around here these days. But I like boring and peaceful. It gives me a chance to focus on the things that matter the most- you, your daddy, your brother. You all fill my heart up so much. It's amazing how much love you can hold inside for another person. Thank you for helping to fill not just my heart but my spirit and soul as well.

I can't believe that yesterday you were 19 months old! I know I say that every month but seriously, it's such a crazy thing. I miss you. I wish you were here. I love you so very much.

I want you to remember that no matter what direction life takes me you are always being carried in my heart. Every step of the way you are along for the ride. Just like you were when I carried you inside me- my little partner in crime. It's kinda nice to think about how you're always with me especially when times get tough.

I hope Heaven is wonderfully amazing today! I hope that you and your little angel baby friends make some amazing paintings- I'll be watching the sky tonight. I hope that you get lots of snuggles and kisses from Mimi and Papa. I hope that you know every second of every minute you are on my mind and in my heart.

I love you forever and always,
Mama

Sitting

Some days it continues to be unreal that Aiden is not here. Last night Nygel and I talked about him. We sat with Mason in the nursery and talked about Aiden. How our 17 month old should be here sharing family time with us. I cried. It still is so so very hard. But I also smiled as Nygel talked about the personality he knew Aiden would have. About how he pictured our firstborn son growing up- the way he would look and behave. Our sweet Aiden.

I miss him so much.

At church this past Sunday our pastor preached about Mary, Martha, and Lazarus. The sermon came from John 12:2-3:

There they made him a supper; and Martha served: 

but Lazarus was one of them that sat at the table with him.

Then took Mary a pound of ointment of spikenard, very costly, 

and anointed the feet of Jesus, and wiped his feet with her hair: 

and the house was filled with the odour of the ointment.

Our pastor went on to discuss the different actions of the siblings after Jesus brought Lazarus back from the dead. Martha served- she showed her love and appreciation by serving the meal and giving of herself. Mary sacrificed- she took the most expensive thing she owned and gave it to Jesus. Her sacrifice was so great that it filled the house. In doing this she also helped prepare his body for what was to come soon. 

But here is where the story took an interesting turn for me.

How did Lazarus act after being raised from the dead? He just sat there. And this is what Jesus wanted him to do.

Hmmmmm.....

Why would Jesus want Lazarus to just sit there?

Well in the sermon on Sunday my pastor described exactly why. Jesus wanted this to show what He was capable of doing. To show that if you believe and have faith in Him, He can bring you back from anything.....in Lazarus's case from being dead.

Our pastor went on to say that at some point we have all been Lazarus. Maybe not physically dead but none the less, dead in some way. And that really hit home. When we lost Aiden I may as well have been dead. I didn't care about anything other than the fact that my child was gone. All my thoughts centered around the fact that my life might as well be over. 

And yet somehow 17 months later here I am.

As the sermon continued this was posed to the congregation- "Think about where you were just a year ago." 

"Ok is he talking directly to me?????" was the thought running through my mind.

My heart stopped just a little as I considered this. 

Last year at this time I was numb, broken, and felt like life could just go on without me. I wanted to die without my son. I wasn't physically dead, but I really feel like I was as close as I could get to it. 

This year I still mourn my son's death. I still cannot believe he is gone and that I won't see him again until I leave this earth. But I also have joy and happiness that I never thought I would experience again. I love my family and the time that I share with them everyday. And I love that no matter what we include Aiden in our lives in everything we do. He is a part of every day conversations, his pictures are all over the house, and we talk to Mason about him whenever we can. Although I am missing an important piece of myself and forever will, I am not dead anymore.

Wow. That's an amazing thought.

I don't know that Jesus is sitting me up for anyone to look at right now. But maybe one day I can help someone else. Maybe one day I will be able to say "it's hard, terrible, and incredibly unfair the cross you've been given to bear. But one day you will experience happiness in your life again. It will always be intertwined with bits of sadness. BUT you will feel it again one day."

There are many women who I've had the opportunity to watch as they "sat". And as I look at their incredible strength and grace I am always thankful to be blessed with the opportunity to have that hope placed in my life. I draw strength from their strength.

So now I have a little more understanding of the story of Mary, Martha, and Lazarus. I never saw myself sharing a connection with Lazarus. But just as Jesus brought him back from the dead, I feel like slowly I am being brought back to life as well.

You know I hesitate to write things like this sometimes. For one reason I know it's hard for people who are struggling terribly with their grief to hear that "it's going to get better". It was hard for me for a long time to hear that even from other BLMs.  I also take pause because I don't want anyone for a second to think I am "over" losing Aiden. I will never be over it. In my mind it's not something to get over. His loss is something I will carry with me forever. I will carry him in my heart forever. So when I say I'm doing ok it doesn't mean I forgot about Aiden because I have another child now. It doesn't mean I'm cured and so now safe to talk to again. It definitely doesn't mean that stupid comments don't still cut like a knife.

It simply means I'm healing. I'm hoping. I'm trying to let love fill me up as much as possible.

And I'm always missing and loving my Aiden.

Happy 17th months my sweet boy! 

~ Love Mama

Haven of Hope Retreat

Last year I had the chance to attend an amazing retreat for mothers grieving the loss of a child. I blogged about it here. The Haven of Hope Retreat was a great weekend filled with lots of love, lots of tears, and also lots of hope. I had the chance to meet so many new moms who totally got where I was coming from- no explanation needed. And the best part? I got to talk openly about my sweet Aiden without worrying what other people would think. I was really such a good experience. I am so thankful for the friends I made at this retreat as they have continued to give me support when it is much needed.

The retreat is being held again this summer and I just wanted to share that registration is open if you are interested in attending. Please visit the link below to view the website and register for the weekend.



I really hope to see some of you there this year!

Missing a 16 month old boy

*This post was started on 3/11/12. I was so overcome with missing Aiden that I had to walk away from the computer. After a lot of tears I was able to come back and finish it. I love you Aiden forever and always*

Yep that's you little man- 16 months. I think you know how much I miss you. What I hope you know is that even though life has gotten hectic and crazy you are on my mind every day. In the midst of all the things that make up the day you are always near my thoughts.

Things are changing and in some ways that's good. But there have also been some hard/sad changes in our life as well. And as always I hate that changes mean that time is going on and taking us further and further away from the last time we were with you.

Your great grandmother left this earth last month just a few days after your 15 month anniversary. I know you are enjoying her in Heaven. I just KNOW she is smothering you with kisses and lots of loving. When you dad first told me his grandmother passed away I immediately thought of you. How you would have one more person to love you up close. It's funny how I look at death now. It's not that a life is over. It's a new life beginning for that person. And for your great grandma or Mimi as I know you are calling her- it's a new life with a lot of special people including you sweet boy.

I love how your grandfather (Big Daddy to you) never forgets you. Your grandfather wrote and read a very sweet poem at your memorial service. That poem has since been put on bookmarks and 8 x 10 picture paper with your beautiful picture so it could be framed. Your grandfather did all of this. I love that he always remembers you.

When I called to tell him I was so sorry that his mother was no longer with us I shared with him that I knew she was with you and your Papa. And that you were all happy together. He said to me, "Hold on, I want to read you something." He read me the most beautiful poem that he wrote to your great grandmother and at the end he talked about how her mother, her husband (your Papa), and her great grandson (that's you little man) would be waiting for her in Heaven. I love how your grandfather never forgets you. And when we went to the funeral the program listed the three of you as loved ones waiting for her in Heaven. Your grandfather didn't just write great grandson or Aiden though. He wrote your whole name- Aiden William Jackson. I know this might not seem like a big deal to some people but to me it was HUGE. I love that you grandfather always remembers to remember you. I love how he makes you an important part of our lives even though you live so far away.

Funerals always remind me of how fragile life is. They remind me of you and your memorial service. Of the beautiful urn that sits by the bed every day and that I look at every night before I go to sleep. They remind me of your sweet little life and how you were taken from us way too soon.

My biggest fear is that you are alone. That even though I think these loved ones are with you, you're really all by yourself. That you need my arms around you and I'm not there. I hate that I'm not there.....

I wish I could do more. I can't tell you how much my heart is breaking right now. I had to stop typing this post for a while to get myself together. The feeling- the heart stopping, breath stealing feeling- of missing you that is every where around me right now is holding on and not letting go. It's amazing how quickly it can creep in and take over.......

At 16 months I miss you just as much as I did the second I knew you were gone. And I know even when it's been 16 years I will still miss you just the same.

I love you forever and always my sweet boy. You will always fill my heart and although remembering sometimes brings a lot of pain it is only because I love you so very much.

Love you baby,
Mama

An Amazing Post

via

I know many of you know who Franchesca is- she's designed so many of our blogs and creates the most beautiful and inspirational word art. She has shared her sweet Jenna Belle and her huge beautiful heart with us all. I am so very fortunate to know her in real life and to call her my friend. Fran recently posted one of the best blog posts for grieving moms that I've ever read. Seriously.

If you haven't seen her post titled "When You Lose A Baby" please click here and take a minute to read it. I could relate to every word, every emotion. I'm sure many of you can as well. It helps me so much to know that even though I'm 15 months out from losing Aiden, my feelings are not crazy and it's ok to continue to grieve. I am not alone. There are women out there that "get" it.

And for family and friends who may be reading this blog because you know someone who lost a baby- I hope it helps you gain a better insight into the tremendous pain that is felt when a child is loss. Maybe you'll understand a little more where your loved one is living in this moment. The pain doesn't go away. We love our children forever. We miss our children forever.

Dear Aiden......

Dear Aiden,

I can't believe how long it's been since I posted here on your blog. Almost 20 days!

It's not because I haven't thought of you.....far from it. I think of you every.single.day my sweet boy. You are and always will be my first born son. And I love you today just as I always have....with all my heart.

My words and thoughts have just been a jumbled mess lately. I have so many emotions running through my heart and my brain it's hard to keep track of them all. Everything just sounds too mixed up when I start to write it down. I have even started to post before and then just saved it as a draft.

Why?

Well it's complicated I guess. Just like everything else in my life since the day I lost you.

Your little brother Mason came into this world screaming and flailing his arms 24 days ago. I know you saw mommy crying like a baby. Some of my tears were tears of joy- joy for the beautiful life that is your baby brother. There were also tears of pain, hurt, and sorrow- pain because you are not here, sorrow because I never got to hear you scream or see you wave your arms around like a mad man, hurt because I miss you so very much.

I feel like I will forever be a mix of conflicting emotions. Every good and happy thing will also always remind me of what I'm missing- you.

I never thought that someone could exist in such a tangled mess of feelings and thoughts.

But yet I am.

I'm happy because Mason makes a funny face or scowls at me for taking too many pictures of him. And my heart is so full of joy! And then I think of how much I want to see a smile on your gorgeous face and it breaks my heart all over again because that will never happen.

It's so hard Aiden.

I know you are here with us but it's just still so wrong that you can't be physically here with us. I really don't think I'll ever stop asking myself why.

And people.....well....people are just funny. Or crazy. Or crazy stupid idiots.

I am always shocked at how many people think that I'm "healed/cured/ok now/not the girl to be avoided anymore" now that your brother is here.

I will never forget you Aiden. You will always be remembered. I can't replace one child with another and I have no idea how people expect me to.  I love you both equally and I will love you both forever.

I guess I say all this to say that I miss you and I love you and nothing will ever change that. I will always wish you were here. I will always make sure Mason knows what an amazing big brother he has. With every drop of love in my heart and soul I will always be the best mom I can to you in Heaven and Mason (and any other brothers or sisters you may have later on) here on Earth.

Thank you so much for always being close to us. I see the way Mason stares at the light coming in from the windows and I know you are talking to him- I know he can see and feel you too.

I pray you will always know the strength of my love for you. It will last forever and ever.

I love you Aiden, always.

Love,
Mama

Happy 13 Months Aiden

Via

If I had a single flower for every time I think about you, I could walk forever in my garden. 

~Claudia Ghandi

Dear Aiden,

As I sit here this morning I can't help but think about what you would be doing if you were here with me. I picture what your face at 13 months would look like. I wonder how long your gorgeous hair would be right now. I like to think you'd be showering me with some fabulous smiles! I wish I was holding my 13 month old son this morning {and every morning}.

I miss you baby boy......so much......always.

Mama has been struggling a lot with so many things lately. So much is on my mind. So much worry and anxiety. So much longing to hold you again. I have felt you so close to me and I know it's because you know I need you. And I love you for that. For always showing your self in the most special ways when I need you the most. I hope you always feel the strength of my love for you.

Have you noticed all the decorating Daddy and I have been doing for Christmas? I think I may have a new idea of something to do for you every day- lol! As long as I'm here no one will ever forget that you are my son. That you are so very loved. And you'll be a special part of our holidays forever.

I hope today that you play, laugh, get lots of tickles, and always always know how much Daddy and I love you.

Happy 13 months Aiden! Sending all my love my sweet boy ♥♥♥

Love,
Mama

Dear Aiden......

Dear Aiden,

This morning I was driving in to work at 6 am for an early meeting and listening to some music on the radio. It was so dark because of the time change {plus mommy does NOT go to work at 6 am on a regular basis} so it was kinda weird driving in today.

My mind went to you {as it does so very often} and I was taken back to your birthday last year. I remembered how much I wanted to see your face. To finally meet the little person who had been growing inside me for 9 months. And I remember that morning....how in an instant all my hopes and dreams were crushed. You were gone.

And yet I still imagined your face.......

Would you have my eyes or nose? Your daddy's ears or lips?

What would my precious boy look like?

This morning as I drove I remembered the instant I laid eyes on you for the first time. How beautiful and perfect you were. How absolutely amazing it was to see you finally after waiting so long. That gorgeous face- so perfect and so like your daddy's. It brought tears to my eyes then as it did this morning.

Today was just one of those hard days. One of those days where I wish I could rewind time and do something {anything} differently and save you. One of those days where I want to just crawl back in the bed and pretend that you're here with us- that things are different.

I wish I could see you again, hold you again, kiss you again. I wish I could have your here with me now.

I miss you so much baby boy. Some days it still seems so unreal that we are living this life without you. That your first birthday in Heaven was just 13 days ago. How has it already been 2 weeks? Your due date is coming up in 2 more weeks. And that will be another tough day. So will Christmas. It will be our second Christmas without you. Sigh.......

I'm always reminded of what a precious gift you were to us. Our baby boy, our beautiful angel. You still bring so much love and hope to our lives every day. We love you more than words can ever fully express. I'm so happy to be your mama.

I miss you, I love you......

Love Always,

Mommy

11 Months of Tears

This morning the tears are falling so quickly.....so constantly.

I can't believe it's been 11 months.  11 months without Aiden.  11 months full of more tears than I ever knew were possible.

How the hell did we get to almost a year without our son?  Time is so crazy- it feels like my life stopped last November while everyone else's has moved on. But at the same time I feel like time had flown by- I mean a year without him seems to have gotten here so quickly. It's crazy.

I have so many thoughts in my head but I feel like I've said them all before. "Why isn't Aiden here?" "Why do I have to go through the rest of my life without him?" "Can I just rewind things and go back to when he was almost here- and change things?" I feel like a broken record just waiting for someone to fix me......if only this was fixable.

Yesterday I had the chance to attend a gorgeous memorial service for families who have lost precious little angels. I'll share more from that ceremony soon but I did want to share this picture now:

They created absolutely beautiful ornaments for all the families and I cried when I saw Aiden's. It's perfect and will always have a special place in our home.

I'm not sure how I'm going to handle this next month and I live in fear of November 2nd. I pray that God continues to hold us in his arms and that my Aiden will be remembered on his birthday.

We do have plans to donate Hope Boxes in memory of Aiden for his Birthday through our Aiden's Hope organization. The website is still a work in progress but you can check it out here to see what we're up to right now. I will be doing a post about that soon and how you can help if you are interested.

We are also asking everyone to remember him on his birthday- say a prayer, release a balloon, light a candle......anything that's on your heart. We just want him to feel loved and missed all the way up there in Heaven. If you do decide to do something for Aiden we'd love to see a picture :)

Right now what I have planned for his birthday is to donate his Hope Boxes and have small dinner with our family. We'll be baking a cake for Aiden and sending him some special balloons. It will be a quiet day- not sure I can handle too much more than that. Again your prayers are much appreciated.

I got the sweetest text last night from our friend John. You may remember me writing about how good he has been to us in this post. Last night he sent me a text to ask how the memorial service was that day. I told him about it and that we thought it was really beautiful. He went on to tell me that he had been thinking about all 3 of us as it got closer to Aiden's birthday and that he loved us. It is so wonderful to have someone acknowledge your child, your grief, your loss, and that child's importance in the world. I can't say thank you enough to John and the other wonderful friends that always keep us close to their hearts.

:::

Dear Aiden,

I miss you, I love you, I miss you more.

I wish you were here with us. I hope and pray that you hear me every day when I tell you I love you. I would give anything to see you, feel you, hold you again. Thank you for always being there for mommy and daddy and for looking out for your baby brother. I feel you with us always.

I don't know when the day will come where I'll get to see you again. But I'll be waiting, patiently, for that day- the day our family can be whole again.

As we get closer to your birthday I worry about how I'll handle things. I worry about whether I will make it through the day. One thing is for certain though. We will be remembering you! How could we not do everything possible to remember such a beautiful soul, such a precious life. You will be celebrated little man!

As long as I'm living I'll never forget to remember you.........

I love you baby boy, forever and always......

Love Mommy

10 Months Without You

Dear Aiden,

It's been 10 months since you went to Heaven baby boy and I know you know mama was having a hard time yesterday. I miss you so much and I struggle sometimes with really accepting this new life I have without you.

So I thought I wouldn't be able to keep it together today since yesterday was so rough. I woke up early again (about 4:20 am today) and of course you were the first thought in my mind. But this morning there was a lot more peace in my heart. I tried to sneak away from Cami but she heard me moving around my room so off we went to the guest room to watch tv and play on the computer. I found a channel showing Problem Child 2 which mommy LOVED to watch when she was a kid :) So again I was given a break from all the stress I experienced yesterday.

It's been crazy hot here in Texas- every day has been over 100 and any time they tell us it's going to rain it seems like it lasts for only a few minutes. Cami doesn't even like to be outside very long- she does her business and is like "hey let me in!" So this morning when I went to let her out I was surprised by how good it felt outside. Nice and cool and breezy. Just a perfect morning. Cam loved it and did not want to come back in. I had to go out in my pajamas and chase her back in the house!

After a really easy drive into work (the traffic has been horrible every other day this week!!!) I parked and got out of my car to walk to the building.

And I swear it just hit me......this overwhelming peace.

It was so calm and beautiful outside. And my heart didn't feel as heavy. Peaceful.

I know you had a hand in my day today. I know you are with me always. I know that even though you are so much further away than I want you to be, you live on always in my heart.

Thank you for being such an amazing son. Thank you for making me a mom. Thank you for always being there just when I need you. I couldn't have asked for a more perfect child.

I love you, I miss you, I can't wait to see you again one day.

Love Always,
Mama

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

September

Today is September 1st and this morning my heart is heavy. I've been up since about 3:45 am and all I can think about is Aiden. I miss that little boy so very much......

Usually September is a pretty happy month for us. We have about 80 birthdays this month (ok maybe a slight exaggeration....but not by much) between family and friends so I usually go broke but I love surprising people on their special day. Also September is my birthday month so I always have something special to look forward to myself.

Last September on my birthday I was exactly 30 weeks pregnant with Aiden. This year on my birthday he will have been gone for exactly 10 months and 2 weeks.

A year really changes things.

Last year on my birthday I had no idea that in less than 2 months my life as I knew it would be over. I had no idea the horrible crashing down that was about to occur in our world. I was just so very happy to be pregnant with my little man.

Tomorrow will be September 2nd. This is one day in September that really didn't have any special meaning associated with it before this year. No birthdays of family or friends, no anniversaries.......just September 2nd.

This year September 2nd means Aiden has been gone for 10 months.

10 months of missing him. 10 months of crying more tears than I thought I ever had in me. 10 months of longing for something I will never have. 10 months of trying to adjust to my new life. 10 months with a broken heart. 10 months of missing a piece of myself.

I carried my baby boy for 36 weeks and 5 days and in less than 2 seconds that terrible day in November, my joy, my love, my child, everything was gone.

I think I couldn't sleep this morning because for some reason I just couldn't believe it.

Crazy right?

I mean really......how can I after all these months not believe my reality? But some how I still wake up on certain days and my mind thinks it was all just a dream. A horrible dream I can still wake up from- yeah I wish.

Sometimes I have good dreams that don't last for long enough. In my dreams I see Aiden and so many other beautiful babies and they just seem so real. How can they all be gone? How can all these families be living with broken hearts? How am I even still standing?

I'm not sure how I feel about September this year. So many mixed emotions, so many thoughts, so many what ifs. And it's not even November yet- no idea of what kind of state I will be in 2 months from now. And how in the world has it gotten so close to being a year already? A year with out him? This is unreal.

All I know is that I miss my son. I wish he was here. I wish I was celebrating my birthday with my hubby and my 10 month old. I wish for my birthday that I could have more time with him.

Well that did it........can't stop the tears from falling now.

I miss my son.