Happy List Saturdays #16

Sorry I'm so late posting this today!  I hope you all are having a great Saturday!! I will get my list up tomorrow as we are getting ready for dinner! 

Don't forget that this is the last "weekly" Happy List Saturdays.  I'll be posting it the last Saturday of each month from now on- hope you will continue to join me in sharing what makes you happy :)

Just being all over the place today

I haven't posted since Saturday- it's been a busy week. But I've been trying to keep up with everyone's posts and comment as much as possible (although Blogger still drives me crazy some days).

In the last few days I've been up and down. Happy and sad.  Going along this crazy grief roller coaster and praying I don't fall off.

This morning I feel a bunch of different ways and I have a million thoughts floating through my head.  I'll do my best to make sense of them and share.

I've been meaning to post this picture:

I got this beautiful necklace a few weeks ago and I haven't taken it off since! Sue Ella from Sue-Ella Signature Designs created this beautiful piece for me and shipped it all the way from Australia! I cannot tell you how much I LOVE it!!!  I hope the picture does it justice because it really is stunning! The angel wing is so heavy and beautiful! I love the silver chain everything hangs from. She put a lovely blue pearl on it as a reminder of my favorite color for Aiden and the back of the wing contains a picture of Aiden's footprints.  And of course it contains sand from Christian's Beach in Australia.

I love it- so perfect! It really makes me feel close to Aiden which I need so much right now.

Thank you Sue! You are amazing my friend!  Please please check out her page if you haven't yet. I promise you won't be disappointed with anything you order from her. And on top of that she really is just a fabulously awesome lady! So sweet and caring :)

I've also been thinking that I want to start doing Happy List Saturdays once a month instead of every week.  I think once a month will give everyone a chance to really think about what they are happy about at that moment.  I will do the list tomorrow and then if it's ok with you guys I'll start posting it the last Saturday of each month.  If you completely disagree with this let me know otherwise that's the plan.

And now for the rough stuff.........

I participated in a photo challenge last week with Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope and Be Young Photography.  I wanted to share with you the picture I submitted:

Aiden's Outfit

This is my absolute favorite outfit of Aiden's. I would take this out of the closet and just stare at it before he was born.  I pictured him in the outfit looking super cute and rolling around in his stroller :) Now I look at it with such sadness because he will never wear this. As a matter of fact he would have out grown it by now as it was for a 3 month old baby. I shared this as a part of the photo challenge for where I am right now in my grief. I'm constantly reminded of things that I will never do with him, never see him do. Dreams we had that will never come to be....

I remembered yesterday something Aiden's godmother told me before he was born- she and her hubby (Aiden's godfather) were looking forward to getting him from us and hanging out, playing with him, and taking him places. And she was excited because she was finally going to have a godchild that looked like her! It just made me realize how were weren't the only ones looking forward to his little life.

Aiden was so loved, so wanted, so dreamed about.  There were so many things so many people hoped for and looked forward to. Most of all Nygel and I.......I miss my little boy so much.

I cried so much as I took this picture last week. For what I've lost, for what will never be, for what I wish I could hold onto for just a moment longer........memories that are slowing fading that I wish wouldn't........

I cried for my son.

So that's what's in my head this morning. Too much. Too heavy.

Happy List Saturdays #15

This week I thought I'd do something a little different with my happy list :)  Another bloggy friend told me about a cool website to make my own virtual post-its!  I love it!  So here's my list in post-its!

That's my list for this week- what did you think of my post its?????  I can't wait to read what has made you all happy! Hope everyone has a great weekend!!!

New Blog Directory!

Good morning everyone! I just wanted to share with you the new Pregnancy and Infant Loss Blog Directory Rachel started for BLMs. When you get a moment check out this link and to see the great things she's doing! It's such a great way to connect with other moms who understand your story.

I hope everyone has a great Friday!

Right Where I Am: 7 Months, 1 Week, 4 Days

Today I'm participating in Right Where I Am Project created by Angie at Still Life With Circles. I'm sure some of you have seen the posts by other moms but if not you have to check out the project.  There are so many great posts by a lot of great mamas who share where they are in this journey of grief.

So I have been wanting to write this post for a while now but for some reason I just couldn't. Don't really know why.....maybe I didn't want to think about how in this 7 months, 1 week, and 4 days time has basically stood still for me.  Maybe I just didn't want to think about how long it's really been since I held my precious Aiden in my arms.

Where am I in my grief today?

Well it really just depends on the day.  Most days I do ok.  I can smile, work, talk to people, shop for food and household items.  This is definitely a change from November when I could barely even get out of the bed.  So that's progress right?  I take baths, brush my teeth, comb my hair.  I even get my toes polished and my eyebrows waxed.  On the outside I look normal....I think.

On the inside.  Well that's a different story.  And that's where the "depends on the day" comes in to play. Most days on the inside I can be the new person I've become.  I have learned how to function in my grief. I have learned how to talk to non BLMs about non baby loss things. Sometimes I even really care. But most of the time I'm just faking it. Sigh.....I get so tired of faking it sometimes which I've blogged about before.

But then there are the bad days. The days where the grief is overwhelming. Where I miss my son so much it physically hurts. Where I am very angry. How can this be my life- yes I still ask that question every day. How is my Aiden gone.  Why can't I be with him, hold him, smell him, see him.......

There are days where I just want to give up. When I'm just done.

I want to scream and cry and throw myself on the floor in despair......I want to hide from life.  I want this all to be over.

I miss my son. I miss the life I had before. I miss being happy and carefree.

It just plain sucks.

There are days where people hurt me. People who I expected to be there for me who aren't- family and friends. There are days when I'm so mad that people ignore my grief, my son, my reality.  I hate that people expect me to just "be ok" because it's been 7 months.  I love the comment, "Well no one wants to bring it up to you because they don't want to upset you." Are you kidding me?  Like I'm just so happy right? Like hearing my son's name or hearing that someone still cares enough to ask about him or me would hurt me.  At least it wouldn't be like he never existed.

But I can't control other people.  I can't make people care enough to think of Nygel and I.  I don't even know how to make people understand that for us this will never be "over" and done with. The fact that so many people try to make me get over it is a painful thing I deal with daily. So I accept the fact that people "care" but they don't want to "hurt" me.

What I really think is this- people don't want to think about what happened to me because then....gasp....they might have to face the reality that it could happen to them. So I guess right now where I am in my grief is disgusted, fed up, shocked, and hurt by people I thought cared about me. And I'm slowly cutting people out of my life. I thought it would hurt more but it's honestly been very healing.

I think the most important thing about me right now is that I have changed in positive ways. I am dedicated to giving myself and my time to others going through what I went through in November.  I am more compassionate to people experiencing a loss- any kind of loss. I am so very very thankful for the things that God has blessed Nygel and I with- and he really has given us so much. He continues to bless us everyday and I can't say enough prayers of thanks. I treasure our time with family and friends because I know life is brief and fragile. I know things can change in a heartbeat. I do my best to be someone Aiden can look down on from Heaven and be proud of when he sees me. And I think right now I'm doing ok with that.

I miss my son with all my heart. I grieve with all my heart. But am also thankful. Thankful for the time I got to have him with me. Thankful for all the kicks, and ultrasound photos, and quiet time with just Aiden and I. I would give anything to have a moment back with him but I know that the time we had was special and perfect. I know that God gave me an amazing son and the chance to know him.  I know that Aiden has changed my life forever and that I am a better person because of him. I know that I will never get over losing him but I also know that he would want his mama to continue to grow stronger and heal. I know one day I will see him again and that gives me hope.

I will be his mama forever! I will love him forever!

And that's where I am right now......I'm Aiden's mama.

Happy List Saturdays #14

Happy Saturday everyone!  Today is going to be a busy busy day but I wanted to get this posted now for those of you with Happy Lists this week.  I'll add my list later.  And remember the Linky will be open until Monday night!

Have a great weekend everyone!

***UPDATE***

Such a busy busy weekend!  This weekend was Nygel's birthday and I threw him a surprise party!  Definitely the highlight of my week!  Making my hubby smile!  Here are some pics of my happy for the week :)

Happy List Saturdays #13

Sorry I'm so late today!!!  Had to go to the vet early with Cami this morning and then I took a NAP!!!  A very long nap!  LOL!  Here's the Linky and I'll post my list soon!

Hope you all are having a great weekend!!!!

xoxo

***UPDATE***

♥ Lazy Weekends- Sometimes you just get overwhelmed during the week and there is so much to cram in in like 1 hour :(   On those weeks I live for lazy weekends where we don't have to do anything- like this weekend!

♥ My BLM friends- You guys are awesome!  Even with Blogger acting a fool this week (and a bunch of other weeks before) I still got so much love and support from you guys- e-mails and messages saying you were there for me.  Thank you so much for being there for me when I was having a rough time.  It really does mean so much :)

And please know that even though I haven't been commenting that much this week (or last) it's not because I'm not trying! Stupid Blogger is blocking me from commenting- ugghhh!!! But know that I am still reading your posts and thinking of you always!

♥ My New Armor- I've been meaning to post this for awhile especially for my friends Molly and Tiffany who share my passion for armor!!  I went from having no necklaces to having 4 in about a 2 week period and one on the way!!  Let me show you:

Baby Boy Necklace

My friend Molly (Hayes' mama) sent me this after I won a giveaway on her blog! Isn't it beautiful!?!?

My Mother's Day Necklace- LOVE!

I got this from a sweet BLM named Sally (Alexander's mama) as part of a Mother's Day gift exchange. I love this so much!

Necklace #1 that I ordered :)

One necklace I ordered for myself- the bar charm says "Aiden" - "11/2/11" - "Love" - "Angel" on each side. The turquoise and purple beads represent Aiden and I, and the circle charm says "hope is a thing with feathers". And of course I had to have a dragonfly!

Necklace #2 that I ordered!

The second necklace I ordered for myself- the tree charm represents our family tree, the turquoise stone is for Aiden, and the initial tags are for Nygel, Aiden, and I. This one also has a angel wing charm that is on it's way :) I'll take another pic when I get it.

Once my last necklace makes it home I'll let you guys see it as well!  Hope you like my new armor!

♥ Dragonflies- You guys know how much I love dragonflies- and how much they mean to me because of Aiden.  I am so lucky that these little guys show up places in my life often!  These two were sent to me by other BLMs :)

My sweet friend Sarah sent me this beautiful dragonfly and I love it so much!  Sarah is mama to twins Ann and Reese in Heaven and Sophie and Anna here on Earth. She picked this dragonfly up for me on a family trip and sent it for Mother's Day along with a book and some cards. I can't tell you how much this made my day :)

Sarah and I have known each other since high school and she has truly blessed my life since we lost Aiden. She is always so full of love and support.  Just an amazing lady!  All four of her little girls have been blessed with a truly wonderful mama.  Thanks so much Sarah!!!

This dragonfly came from my lovely friend Franchesca- isn't it just gorgeous!  She took this picture while out yesterday and is making it into cards for her new card line which you can check out here.  But this morning when I work up I had an e-mail from Fran with this beautiful picture and she added Aiden's name! LOVE HER so much!!  She is just beyond awesome. Thank you so much Fran!

♥ Cami & Carson- They have been getting a long a little better this week- woo hoo!!  We'll see how long it lasts :)  LOL!

♥ BBQ- I love BBQ and we grilled last weekend for Memorial Day while my sister was here.  It was soooo yummy!  Here are some pics of the food :)

♥ God Blessings- although I don't even pretend to understand this life and why God has given us the things He has, I do know that He is always with us and He loves us.  I know that God has a plan for all of us. I know that though so many things don't make sense He is still.always.blessing.us.

Trust in the Lord with all thine heart, and lean not unto thine own understanding.

~Proverbs 3:5

This is how I'm trying to live each day.  It doesn't always work. I have my bad horrible days. And I question Him. Why me, why us, why my little Aiden. But then I look around and I see that he is still blessing us and for that I am so very thankful. So I trust and wait and hope.


So that's my list for this week.  I hope you all are having a good weekend!  I am keeping my fingers crossed that Blogger will let me comment on all your blogs this week but if it doesn't know that I am always thinking of you and your little ones!  Sending lots of love!

xoxo

Happy 7 Months Baby Boy

Aiden,

Hello my love.......Today is June 2nd and today my angel you would have been 7 months old. Today I don't know what we would have done together but it would have been good! Mommy and Daddy would have probably headed off to work and left you with Granny although I know you would have seen Daddy at lunch time.  We would definitely be having some special family time tonight though- maybe a trip to the park or a nice long walk around the neighborhood.  And I'm sure there would have been a cute outfit, a new toy, and some balloons involved :)

Oh Aiden, mama is really struggling today.  I miss you so much and it's just wearing on me this week.  Definitely having a rough time.  I hope you stay close to me and help me little man.

I can't believe we've spent 7 months with out you.......212 days.......5,088 hours.......305,280 minutes.........18,316,800 seconds.  And counting.  Way too long.  How have I even survived these last 7 months.  Sometimes I really feel like I'm going to break.  And right now I need to be strong.

I am so very sad that there are things I am forgetting about you.......how heavy you felt in my arms, what you smelled like, how beautiful and soft your hair felt, what it felt like for you to move in my tummy. It breaks my heart.  I hate that I've forgotten so many of the few little pieces of you that I did know.  I just want it to all stick in my head forever.  Sigh......

But baby boy I want you to know that I am forever grateful that God gave you to me....no matter how short our time together was.  It was perfect.  You were and always will be perfect. I hope you know how much I love you.  I hope you know how much your daddy loves you.  I hope you know that you will always be a part of this family.....forever loved and missed.

I hope you enjoy your day today....we know you are safe and loved and know nothing but happiness.  That is the one thing that gives me some peace.

I love you Aiden......forever and ever.....you are my miracle angel baby!

Love,

Mommy