Right Where I Am: 3 Years, 9 Months, 4 Weeks, 1 Day

I'm a little late posting this but I really wanted to do this RWIA post for 2014.

Right where I am today is incredibly close to 4 years since I met and said goodbye to my sweet Aiden. One thing that has not changed in all this time is that it still feels unreal to be living without him. And there is not a day that goes by without me thinking of and missing him. Grief is real. And it's hard. And it never goes away. It's always there waiting to rise back to the surface. I am still grieving my son and I will be for the rest of my life.

I think from the outside we must look pretty normal to people. There are always two amazing and active little boys floating around us. And by floating I mean running, crashing into things, laughing really loud, fighting over toys, and having meltdowns. That's floating right- haha :) Just the fact that I find things in life to be fun and funny and happy- that is a huge change from when I wrote my first RWIA post. I also think in a lot of ways we are as normal as we can possibly be. You know without our missing child.

I really have found joy again. My days are spent chasing boys, tripping over dump trucks and legos, trying desperately to find what I'm looking for in my purse/diaper bag, cooking millions of turkey dogs and chicken nuggets, giving multiple baths a day, and trying to squeeze some mama time in there somewhere (although that doesn't happen most days). I'm also working full time 5 days a week. I'm worn out and tired at the end of each day but really it is the best kind of tired ever. I love Mason and Caden so much- sometimes I look at them and immediately big hot tears form in my eyes because I love them with this huge crazy love. I am so happy they are here, and mine, and I get to kiss and squeeze them. Every smile lights up my heart. They bring me happiness I never imagined would be possible again. The only thing that could make it better is if I were chasing 3 boys around. 

Right now there are so many things I want to do. I want to be able to write again and in fact I'm making myself a promise to try to write at least once a week. Even if I don't finish it right then maybe I can try to get back to posting a little more regularly. I've been wanting to write a book forever and now seems as good a time as any to pick my notes back up and get to it. My quiet moments are few and far between these days but early early morning seems to be my best hope.  

I also am working on finally decorating my house. That's a pretty big deal for me. We built this house in 2010 for Aiden and moved in 3.5 months before he was born. The only room that was ever completely decorated before his birthday was his nursery. After he passed away I just couldn't bring myself to finish unpacking or to decorate anything else. Honestly I really didn't care about the damn house. I just wanted my baby back. Now though feels like the right time to create an even more special space for my family. So I'm busy looking at fabrics and furniture and colors as well as creating boards to plan out what I want each room to look like. I'm trying to do some of it myself to save money where I can so projects are all over the place. Anyone want to paint some curtains with me??? 

Outside of my family my BLM tribe is my lifeline. When things get bad they are there. When things are good they celebrate with me. I look forward to seeing them on Instagram every day. Seeing what is going on with of all our rainbows and my dear friends makes me smile. I can't imagine life without these women who truly get the complicated tangle of love, grief, happiness, and crazy that rolls around inside me each day. I love that they will all forever remember Aiden with me. That they speak his name and mention him in every day talks just like they do Mason and Caden. That we can have conversations about fabulous Target sales and food but also grief and sadness. I am so grateful because in the midst of my grief and sadness I'm not alone. I have friends who love me and who love each of my babies as well.

~~~~~~~~

A few mornings ago Mase was sitting in my bed eating some fruit (I'm sure that surprises no one- ha!) while we were finishing up our morning get ready routine. As he sat facing my mirror he suddenly said "That's my big brother Aiden. He lives in Heaven." My breath caught and I looked up to see him point to the picture of Aiden on our dresser. "Yes baby," I said, "that is your big brother Aiden." Mase looked at me with a smile on his face and said, "Yep I love Aiden. That's my brother." 

I wanted to cry with joy- to hear Aiden's name come from Mason's mouth and to hear that he loves him. Oh my heart. It's in moments like these that I realize I'm doing something right. My sons will always know their older brother. They will always speak his name. They will carry him in their hearts just as Nygel and I do. 

Aiden is incredibly missed and loved every.single.day. That will never change. We will never stop talking about him with each other and sharing him with those around us. And we are so grateful for the family and friends that keep his memory alive with us. 

I love you Aiden 

Happy Third Birthday ♥

Oh my sweet Aiden  ♥

Today marks three years since the day I met you and held you in my arms. It's unimaginable that three years has passed already. I remember that day with you so vividly and I will never forget. The day my sweet boy was born.

I don't know how many ways I can say what's in my heart. I think you know so well. I miss you, I love you. I wish you were here. I would give anything to have another moment with you. To see you playing with your little brothers. To know what you would be like right now in this moment as a three year old little boy. To feel your kisses, and hugs......oh the sweet hugs. To hold your hand. To play with you at the park. To snuggle together on the couch and watch a Christmas movie together. I have missed out on so much. We have missed out on so much. It will never be fair. It will always hurt. I will forever want more than what I have. And know that I can never have what I really want.

Three years......three long years.....so very long.

Today we will celebrate your life. We will celebrate how much you mean to us and how much we love you. Everything about you is love to us. So today will be filled with love my dear. Stay close to us as we will need you just like we always do.

I miss you.

I love you.

Happy Birthday my sweet baby boy ♥

Love Mama

::::::

"I loved the boy with the utmost love of which my soul is capable; and he is taken from me—

yet in the agony of my spirit in surrendering such a treasure 

I feel a thousand times richer than if I had never possessed it.” 

- William Wordsworth

::::::

Our Second Rainbow

Two weeks ago our lives were blessed again as we welcomed our third son into the world- Caden Alexander.

He arrived healthy, screaming, and beautiful. Caden is wonderful- a sweet little soul who made our hearts grow even bigger than ever. Even more wonderful? He looks just like his two older brothers. Makes my heart smile- my boys ♥

It's amazing to have two children in my arms. Of course two children in my arms doesn't change the longing for my first son who will be forever missed and remembered. My sweet Aiden.....he's always in my heart, mind, and soul. I am so grateful to him for helping get his second baby brother here safely. Wishing so much that I could have him here with me as well.

I love you Aiden.....always and forever my sweet boy ♥

Mama

BLM Weekend in Chicago 2013

I haven't posted here in a LOOOOOOOONG time. Too long really considering how special of a space this is for me. But after the weekend I just had it was impossible not to write about it.

From Friday to Sunday Mason and I were able to spend the weekend with some amazing mamas and babies. Beautiful rainbow babies. And not only did we get to meet all these rainbows but we were able to share the sweet little angels that brought us together.

Aiden

Cale

Andrew

Julius

Hayes

Jack

Addison

Eliza

Camille

Ava

Elizabeth

Anna

Bear

William and Ethan

It took me a few months to find the blogging world after we lost Aiden. From that horrible day in November to about January 2011 I was in a completely blinding fog. I couldn't see very much in any direction around me. And as I started to come out of the fog I began looking for someone who understood me. I scoured the internet for someone like me- who had experienced the worst possible loss in life and was still functioning. Someone who understood the insane places my mind went to every day. Someone who didn't need an explanation for the paralyzing fear I carried with me that I would lose everyone I loved now that Aiden was gone. Someone who understood my desperate need to have a living child.  Someone who just got me.

And through the blogging community I didn't just find someone. I found so many women who helped when I needed them the most. This amazing community of moms who never wanted to be a community but despite this were making the best of the horrible cards life had dealt them. I found women who supported me through my tears and sadness, who cheered for me in my small victories, who listened to the craziness that went through my head daily when I was pregnant with Mason, and who accepted me no matter what. I could be real, I could be myself.....and not be judged. That part means so much to me even today. Because there are not many situations in my life where I can be completely real and myself. Not after losing Aiden. I still have to fake it sometimes. But with my BLM friends it all the real deal Natasha.

Sad, Grumpy, Crazy, Happy, Disgusted, Pissed Off.

You name it I can be it and these ladies still accept me. No faking at all. I am so grateful for everyone I have connected with through blogging ❤

I was fortunate enough to take a trip to Minnesota in 2011 when I was pregnant with Mason to meet some BLM friends. It was a much needed trip and I spent several days letting out all my bottled up emotions with people who understood me.

Well last Friday (exactly a week ago!) Mason and I were at the airport heading to Chicago to meet some more of our friends in person. And it was amazing!

My sweet friend Caroline (Cale and Finn's mama) came to pick us up from the airport to start the weekend. Caroline and I got to meet a few months back and go to dinner with our hubbies and our rainbow boys which was great:) She took us to Brandy's house (Andrew and Benjamin's mama) where we were bombarded with love. Caroline actually carried Mason in and the first thing I heard was my favorite Southern Belle Molly (Sloane, Hayes, and Kellan's mama) say "it's Mason!" Lol!

From there it was crazy chaos! But like the best chaos ever :) Babies, mamas, toys, sippy cups, diapers, and of course......The Lawn Mower. We ended up having to hide this toy which apparently Benjamin though was just 'ehhh' but my child and Finn and a few others were seriously fighting over! I have one on order for Mason right now so hopefully it will be here soon!

Late that evening we headed to the hotel to rest up. One of my dear friends Tiffany and her daughter Juliana were our roommates. Tiffany and I have also met in person before and the last time we saw each other we were both pregnant with our rainbows who were born exactly one month apart! Tiffany is also mommy to sweet Julius who along with Aiden brought us together. Mase and Juli had a ball playing and watching cartoons on the iPad once we got settled in the hotel. Lots of fun!

Saturday was also a great day. No firm plans just a picnic in the park with a bunch of babies and mamas and some awesome dad's who also made the trip. I cannot tell you how nice it was to see all those kiddos together. Like one of the best things ever. The only thing that would have made it better would have been their sweet older siblings there with us. But I gotta tell you, I really feel that they were. I felt Aiden with me. I felt the other angel babies there with us as well. So wonderful.

It was great feeling so completely comfortable with women I had not ever technically met in person (except for 2) but who I knew so well from sharing our lives with each other through blogs, emails, texts, and pictures. Women who get me. And all my issues. Being able to hug them and share meals and laughter and tears in person? No words- just perfect. Thank you so much ladies.

And the babies. Seeing the babies that I anxiously waited for with their mamas, saying many prayers and shedding lots of tears through pregnancy ups and downs. Man, meeting and loving on them was pure joy. Again I felt like I knew them all so well already from their adorable pictures and the descriptions their moms shared of them. But their sweet little personalities in real life were enough to keep me smiling the whole weekend.

Another amazing part of the weekend was watching all the mamas mother on everyone's babies. I can't tell you how much these ladies helped me with Mason when I really needed it and I am so appreciative! The love shown to these sweet rainbows by all the mamas was just beautiful. And I can't leave out the dads! Because my friend Laura's husband (they are mama and daddy to Jack and Grace) was Mason's BFF on this trip. For real. Best friends! And Scott was so wonderful with him! Thank you guys!

Seriously I can't even name everything that was so wonderful about this trip- there are way too many. It was just what I needed when I needed it. We laughed, we cried, we shared all of our babies. It's always therapeutic to me to be able to speak openly about how I feel and not hide my emotions. Again I can only say I am so grateful for all the women who have taken me in and loved me and my babies when I needed it the most.

When Mason and I headed home Sunday I was exhausted but my heart was full of all I experienced over the weekend. I can't wait to for my next opportunity to see these ladies as well as some of my other BLM friends who weren't able to make the trip this time. Even though you were definitely thought of I can't wait to see you face to face! My heart is already ready for the next time........until 2014. Or sooner if we can manage it!

All the babies and mamas ❤ 

Happy 2nd Birthday Aiden

Dear Aiden,

Happy second birthday my sweet boy! Although it's so hard not being able to celebrate with you I know there are great celebrations going on for you in Heaven- with so many people who love you so much. I know that you have some amazing angel baby friends that are laughing and playing with you on your special day today too. I wish for you all the love in the universe- today and always ♥

We love you and miss you and would give anything to spend today with you instead of being so far away. Thank you for sending lots of special reminders today.....it always helps to know that you are with us.

I love you always and forever....happy birthday baby boy ♥

Love,
Mama

:::

Perhaps they are not stars, but rather openings in heaven 

where the love of our lost ones shines down to let us know they are with us.

20 Months.......Wow

Dear Aiden,

I can't believe this month you have been in Heaven for 20 months. There is something about that 2 at the beginning of the number that takes my breath away.

20 months...........

How is it possible that in just a few short months it will have been 2 years. November 2nd will have come twice since the day you were born. It just doesn't seen like so much time has gone by. You feel so close and yet so far away. I wish I could put into words a little better how I'm feeling but it's hard.

All I know is that I still think of you every single day. And I love you more than words can fully express. I can't wait until your brother is old enough to really understand who you are when we show him your pictures and talk about you.

I need to begin planing how we'll celebrate your birthday this year. I'd like to make a cake and I've been thinking of taking some cake decorating classes. We'll see how that goes- hopefully my cakes are pretty enough for your birthday :)

Thank you for all the sweet little reminders you send to me so often. It helps to know that you think of me just as I think of you ♥ And I've needed that these last few weeks.

Remember that you are always on our minds and hearts. I love you always my sweet boy ♥

Love,
Mama

Dear Aiden- 19 Months

Dear Aiden,

It's actually a pretty quiet morning around the house and it is just the perfect time to write to you. Right now it's just me and Cami that are awake. Your little dog is so funny- and so not little! She's about 72 pounds right now! I know, such a big girl! I just know you would get a kick out of all the craziness she does. Like stealing the cat's food, chasing rabbits in the neighborhood, and barking at the doorbell ringing on tv. Seriously hilarious baby boy :)

Today my heart feels a little lighter. I'm not really sure why. But it's a welcome thing so I hold on tight to it whenever the feeling hits me. I know you have a hand in helping me breathe a little easier some days. And I thank you for that.

Things are boring and peaceful around here these days. But I like boring and peaceful. It gives me a chance to focus on the things that matter the most- you, your daddy, your brother. You all fill my heart up so much. It's amazing how much love you can hold inside for another person. Thank you for helping to fill not just my heart but my spirit and soul as well.

I can't believe that yesterday you were 19 months old! I know I say that every month but seriously, it's such a crazy thing. I miss you. I wish you were here. I love you so very much.

I want you to remember that no matter what direction life takes me you are always being carried in my heart. Every step of the way you are along for the ride. Just like you were when I carried you inside me- my little partner in crime. It's kinda nice to think about how you're always with me especially when times get tough.

I hope Heaven is wonderfully amazing today! I hope that you and your little angel baby friends make some amazing paintings- I'll be watching the sky tonight. I hope that you get lots of snuggles and kisses from Mimi and Papa. I hope that you know every second of every minute you are on my mind and in my heart.

I love you forever and always,
Mama

Do You Know What Today Is????

Actually I guess the title should read "Do You Know What Last Sunday Was?" LOL! Last Sunday was my 5 year wedding anniversary. We actually got married on a Sunday and this year our anniversary fell on a Sunday as well. I'm late posting this because it's been a rough week. I'll post more about that later.

He did a great job! It was romantic, I was surprised, and I had a great time ♥

I spent a really great weekend with my husband. The man who holds my hand through the heart ache and who helps me up when I'm down. The man who always talks about our sweet Aiden to me and to Mason. Who does everything he can to help heal my broken heart. The man who shows his love for me and our children in everything he does.

I am so lucky.

I love him more than words can fully express.

When I have crappy weeks like this past one I am so blessed and lucky to come home to my Nygel. Wouldn't want to walk through this life with anyone else ♥

Happy Anniversary my love!

Fix You.....

I shared in this post the lovely slide show my husband made in October to remember our sweet little Aiden and the time we had with him....it was simply beautiful.

Fix You was one of the songs Nygel used in the slide show. Completely fitting because all he has tried to do since we lost Aiden is fix me. I have this song on my current play list and I cry every time I hear it. I wish I didn't have to be fixed.......

I looked into the song in more detail and learned that the song is thought to have been written by Chris Martin for his wife Gwyneth Paltrow after her father passed away. It was a song to help someone grieving a terrible loss. Supposedly when she returned from the hospital after her father passed she told Chris he was the only one who could fix her.

I get that. I would not be standing today if Nygel had not spent the last 14 months trying to fix me. I am truly blessed.

The song lyrics are often stuck in my head these days. Especially these words:

And the tears come streaming down your face

When you lose something you can't replace 

When you love someone, but it goes to waste 

Could it be worse?

I've lost something so dear and precious....someone who can never be replaced. Aiden isn't here and that is so horrible and wrong.

But some how on this journey, on this terrible road, I'm slowly becoming fixed. 

Now let's get this straight- I am in no way my old self.  I'm no longer the girl who was naive to the terrible tragedies that can occur when you are trying to bring a new life into this world. I'm still struggling and will always long for my Aiden. I can't tolerate a bunch of crap and people who don't appreciate their precious children make me sick. I will NEVER be the old me. I will ALWAYS have sad/hard/overwhelmingly horrible days. I will still always wonder why my little Aiden is not here with us. Having Mason does not remove the pain of losing Aiden. I will forever work to make sure Aiden's life is remembered.

But the love of my husband, my sweet sweet children, and the hope I have for the future has slowly, slowly, slowly begun to build me back up. I'm not fixed and I know never will be completely. But I have faith that I will continue to heal and become the best new me I can be. And all I can do is my best.

Tears stream down on your face

When you lose something you cannot replace 

Tears stream down on your face 

And I... 

Lights will guide you home 

And ignite your bones 

And I will try to fix you

My Family

Celebrating Aiden's First Birthday

I can't believe my little man's birthday has come and gone. Wow. A year got here way too fast.

I spent a quiet day at home. My mom came over and I did some work while she worked in the garden. I did stop to watch her put down some new flowers for Aiden's garden and they are lovely.  Nygel worked for part of the day and then came home as well.

Last year the weekend before I delivered Aiden he and I had a lovely lunch from Whole Foods and that's what I wanted on his birthday. So we all shared chicken salad, egg salad, pasta salad, and a tossed pecan, cranberry, and balsamic salad. Very yummy- I think Aiden would have approved. He was always happy after we got salad from Whole Foods :)

We got some beautiful balloons for him from HEB and in honor of his Godparents Denise and Bam {who both used to work for HEB and love that place} Nygel got one HEB balloon :)  Here are some pics of us releasing the balloons:

I also got him some beautiful Sunflowers and my mom says we can dry the seeds and then plant them in his garden- love that ♥

And I got him this Willow Tree "Forget Me Not" angel- she's just lovely:

We had a quiet dinner and when it was just Nygel and I we spent a long time talking about Aiden. The day he was born, how much we love and miss him, how beautiful he is, the time we spent with him that day.  I love that we can remember him and smile. I love that even though we are devastated that he's not here the memories we have of him still continue to carry us.

It was a peaceful day and although I spent some time crying I didn't bawl my eyes out all day like I expected to- and I know that's because my little Aiden was right there with me. Just like he is everyday. Love you little man!

I have to say thank you so much to everyone that sent sweet Happy Birthday messages for Aiden. It means so much that he is not forgotten. So thank you, thank you, thank you ♥

My dear friend Tiffany is so amazing! I seriously love this girl ♥ Every month she does a special giveaway in honor of her precious son Julius to bring some light to the life of a grieving mama. This month in honor of Aiden's birthday she has dedicated her monthly Juju giveaway to my little man! How awesome is that!?!?! So if you haven't stopped by her page in the last few days please go by to check out the sweet dragonfly earring giveaway that she's hosting until November 11th. She'll be announcing the winner on the 12th which is next Saturday :) You can read sweet Julius' story here if you haven't yet had the chance to hear about this precious little guy.

Our friend Anecia brought over some lovely cupcakes for Aiden's birthday this weekend and she decorated them with the Aiden's Hope Logo! Love that! And she made him a special birthday ornament that also has the logo dragonfly on it- thank you so much girl!

Here are some of the lovely pictures I got that day:

Thanks Mary!

Thanks Shauna!

My friend Tiffany snapped this lovely dragonfly that came to visit! I know Aiden and Ellie sent this one to her- it's gorgeous!

And my friend Sherrhonda got this beautiful dragonfly with her camera:

We also got some lovely birthday cards in the mail for him:

Thanks Sarita, Tiffany, and Stefanie!!

I didn't get to deliver the Hope Boxes on his birthday because I have a nasty cold that has me down but we will be doing that very soon so stay tuned for pictures and updates on that!

Wishing you all a peaceful weekend.......

Walk to Remember

The first Saturday of October Nygel and I were able to attend a beautiful Walk to Remember hosted by the local MEND chapter. And even better my mom, sister, and niece were able to come with us to honor our little Aiden.

I was blown away with how lovely the ceremony was. As this was my first year attending I wasn't sure what to expect. There were so many people and the location had to be changed this year to accommodate more families. It breaks my heart that so many people are missing their sweet little ones......but I'm so happy they had the chance to remember together in this way.

I also had the chance to see my friends Fran and Mary at the ceremony- remembering their sweet girls Jenna and Olivia.

Everything was beautifully decorated and so perfect for all the precious babies being remembered. I absolutely LOVED the Magnolia trees {my favorite tree ever} that were used for families to hang their memorial ornaments.

Beautiful Program

Nygel and I with our remembrance bracelets- love that he wears his bracelet on other random days too :)

Aiden's Ornament

Kayla with her balloon and note to Aiden. The bottom of the balloon says- "Love your big cousin Kayla...."

Everyone getting ready to walk with their balloons

Nygel capturing the moment

So many balloons.....so many precious little lives ♥

It really was a beautiful day and I'm so glad I was able to participate. This will most definitely be a yearly family event for us.

Love you always and forever my little Aiden ♥♥♥♥♥

How are you remembering your angel this year?

It's My Anniversary!

Four years ago today I married the man of my dreams.....my best friend.....my love.   The man that would stand by me through all the joy and sadness of life.  I never knew that would include losing our son.  I never realized just how much God would ask of us.  I never realized how strong we could be-- together.

But I am so very thankful and feel so very blessed that God gave me the perfect person to walk this life with me.  Nygel is my everything.  He is so loving, so smart, so funny, such a good person.....he makes me be a better person.  His family is everything to him- and that makes me love him even more.  He loves me just the way I am no matter how crazy I may act some days! His love is unconditional.

I know that because of him I will be able to keep doing everything God needs me to do until the day I get to see Aiden again.  I am so proud that my son has such an amazing dad.

"And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love."

~1 Corinthians 13:13

On this special day I have to tell you- I am more in love today than ever before.  I love you baby!  Forever and ever- you are the love of my life!!

Happy Easter Baby Boy

Dear Aiden,

Hello my love.....I am missing you so very much today!  Daddy and I decided to spend most of last night and today posting pictures of other angels names spelled out with your Blocks of Love.  Although I am saddened by just how many names there are to write (because I know there are that many sad mommies and daddies out there) it makes me happy to be able to do something for their families in your name.  So I have about 4 more pictures to post but then everyone on the Wait List will have their pictures!!!  Yay!! Thank you for being my inspiration every day!

Today is kind of a rough one for me.  Last Easter you were snug and warm inside me just waiting on us to figure out you were there.  And we did- about this time on Easter Sunday evening.  I was so shocked and your Daddy was too......you surprised us little man!  I can't believe you sat that quiet and still for 7 weeks without us knowing :)  I have know from that moment that you would have a calm and peaceful personality......and I loved that about you.

Oh Aiden......I miss you so much.  There was so much I wanted to be doing with my almost 6 month old son right now.  I dreamed of pictures, and clothes, and snuggling.  I long for hugs, and baths, and meal time.  I miss you being my partner in crime, my reminder, my constant companion.

This Easter is so different from last Easter.  But one thing is the same.  I feel hope, peace, and love :)  Love for you and God and your Daddy.  Peace in knowing that you are sitting in the lap of Jesus and you are safe and sound.  Hope in the promise that I will see you again one day.

I know that there is so much that God has in store for your Daddy and I.  He has used your perfect little life to push me on to the important things I need to do before I see you again. And for that my baby I am thankful.

And although I miss you like crazy every.single.day......I know you are happy, I know you are safe, I know you know that you are loved.  What more could I ask for than knowing my little man is just fine.

I made you an Easter basket last night- yay!  It's actually a little red bucket....I love it!  I decorated the outside with your name and Transformers stickers.  Both Daddy and I love Transformers- we actually watched the cartoon when we were little kids!  Your bucket is full of all kinds of goodies :)  A talking Percy train from Thomas the Train, Sponge Bob Square Pants Bubbles (your dad picked that one!), 3 cute Easter eggs with your name on them, a cute red pin wheel, your very first Easter card, and a little red and blue garden rake because I know you would have been in the garden with your Granny all the time!

She's so good at gardening and she and your Daddy are the reason your little garden looks so good!  Mommy's not the greatest at plants but I have been doing and EXCELLENT job of keeping your garden up by following strict instructions from Granny.  And it really is a beautiful garden.  Did you see the angel I put next to your special flowers?  It reminds me of you taking a little rest in the garden :)

Any way back to your Easter basket/bucket!  I think it turned out really well and Daddy liked it too.  Here are some pictures:

Mommy wrote your name next to Bumble Bee and Optimus Prime :)

Your red pinwheel- love this!!

Your Easter eggs, Sponge Bob bubbles, Percy Train, and red rake

Your First Easter Card- the ears move!!!

Your little Cami is doing well.  I took a picture of her this afternoon:

Yep that's a red ball in her mouth and yes she is trying to climb on Mommy's legs!!! She's so crazy!  I know you would have lots of fun with her!

So my love......I have to finish up the name pictures for all the angel mommies and daddies and then get ready for bed.  You enjoy the last little bit of Easter and tell everyone in Heaven I said hi!  I know you and all the other angel babies had a great day today.  Daddy and I miss you and love you more than anything.  You come visit us in our dreams soon!

I love you my little miracle angel baby......forever and ever you will be my Aiden William.....

Love,
Mommy

What Love Really Means & A Giveaway!!!

Today it's my turn to participate in the blog series called What Love Really means.  It was put together by the amazing Mattie and over the last two weeks many fabulous mamas have been featured.  They have shared their thoughts on love as well as their stories and blogs with everyone.  What a great way to celebrate Valentine's Day- 14 days of love!! And what an amazing group of women! I am so honored to participate in this blog series.

Wow- Love. Where do I start? I have so many thoughts on love it's hard to know which direction to go. I think I'm going to wing it- lol! To me love is sharing- sharing yourself and your gifts with God, family, friends, even strangers.

The Love I Share with Nygel

I heard this quote this morning on a commercial (Ha! We find inspiration in the most interesting places!):

"Love is when there are no more questions"

I thought this quote was most fitting to being the first part of my discussion on love- the love I share with my husband. Nygel is the most amazing man I have ever known in my life. He is my everything...my best friend, my biggest supporter, my protector, my other half, my love. He is the person who knows everything about me. We have been through so much together. He is the person I share my whole life with.

"Whatever our souls are made of, his and mine are the same."
~Emily Brontë

It's so true that love is when there are no more questions. When I knew Nygel was the man I would spend the rest of my life with there were no more questions. We reached a point where I KNEW him..and I knew that who he was...this amazing man...was the person who was perfect to complete me. I had no more questions.

"Love is what you've been through with somebody."

~James Thurber, quoted in Life magazine, 1960

We've been through so much together.....and amazingly we made it....we did it together. I never thought I could be strong through everything this life has thrown at me but I was and am in large part due to my husband.

Here is what I share with Nygel:
1. ♥ LOVE♥
2. Laughter- we love to laugh
3. Our amazing son
4. Hopes, Dreams, Joy
5. Fear, Pain, Tears
6. Quiet days with just me and him
7. Trust and Honesty
8. The knowledge that God hears our prayers- after all he sent us to each other
9. Football!!

Thank you Nygel for being my everything! I will love you forever! My whole life I dreamed of and prayed for a man like you and God blessed me with more than I ever knew I wanted. I love you babe!

The Love I Share With Aiden

Aiden...my son, my angel baby, my joy. I have loved this boy since the moment I knew of him. He was my perfect little man.

"When you are a mother, you are never really alone in your thoughts.

A mother always has to think twice, once for herself and once for her child.”

~Sophia Loren

I love this quote. It is so true that as a mother you think twice about everything- although I think the order is reversed. You think first of your child and second (or third or fourth) about yourself. The love I have for Aiden was always the first thought in my mind. When we were at the hospital my thoughts were racing- they were all about Aiden my precious son. I had no idea that Nygel and my mother (and a lot of other people) were panicked about my safety during the delivery process. I couldn't think of anything else but him.

We you lose a child and you don't have any other living children it's sometimes hard to remember that you are still a mother. But you are. Because everywhere you go you carry them with you. You still think of them first and yourself second. I think it's important to remember in the process of grieving you still have to take care of yourself. My group leader at Bo's Place told me last week that she really wanted me to focus on taking care of myself and I realized that maybe I don't do such a good job at that. So for myself and my son I'm gonna do better.

Here is what I shared/share with Aiden:
1. My body- I loved to feel him moving around and I loved sharing my space with him
2. Reading- I love to read and he loved to listen
3. Letters- I write him letters all the time and I know he loves hearing from me
4. Nygel- my amazing husband, his amazing dad
5. God- Peace and strength for me and He is keeping Aiden safe with Him until we can see our boy again
6. Dancing!! We dance in my dreams together all the time- he is such a good dancer!!!
7. Sun and Cool Breezes- When I'm sad I open the windows and the sun and breeze make me feel so peaceful- like I'm floating. It's in those moments that I know my son is with me.
8. Cam- I watch his dog for him and his spirit plays with us everyday!

Aiden, I love you so much my baby. I will love you forever and ever my little angel!

The Love I Share with Mummy and Carissia

My mom and my sister have carried me through the roughest time of my life- losing my son. My mom stayed with us for a month after we lost Aiden. Forcing me to eat, get up and out of the house, to live. She took care of Nygel as well. Giving him things to do around the house like gardening and frosting a glass door.

"A mother's love for her child is like nothing else in the world. It knows no law,

no pity, it dares all things and crushes down remorselessly all that stands in its path."

~Agatha Christie

Carissia is my little sister. When we were younger we fought and got each other in trouble- crazy kid stuff. Now I couldn't imagine my life without her. She is a great sister and a great friend. She gives some pretty good advice considering she's 5 years younger than me! My sister wanted a nephew more than anything in the world. She wanted a boy in the family! I appreciate so much the times she just listens...sometimes that's all you need. And she's great at listening- she has to be with a sister like me that talks all the time!

"A sister is a gift to the heart, a friend to the spirit, a golden thread to the meaning of life."

~Isadora James

Here's what I share with my mom and my sister:
1. Honesty- They always tell me when I'm right and when I'm wrong.
2. Friendship- The older I get the better friends we become
3. Food- We love to cook and we love to eat!
4. Laughter- we can laugh at ourselves and at each other
5. Family Ties- we start new family traditions and keep up with old ones too
6. Everything else!!!! There are no secrets from these two :)

Mummy and Carissia- I love you both. Thank you for always being there for me even when I didn't know I needed it.

The Love I Share with Friends

I love my friends...to me they are an extension of my family. You really learn who your true friends are when you go through something like this. I have realized that there are some people who are not my friends. And I have also learned that there are some friends in this world who you should grab tight and hold on to because they were sent from God. I want to talk about two of them here.

"Truly great friends are hard to find, difficult to leave, and impossible to forget..."

~G. Randolf

My friend Denise came over to the clinic when I found out I lost Aiden and stayed until Nygel got there. She removed every piece of baby stuff from around my house and organized it all in Aiden's room so we wouldn't have to- that same day. She stayed with us at the hospital and was there when Aiden, her Godson, was born. She organized his entire memorial service so we didn't have to do anything besides pick out his urn. She took me out of the house a week later to eat sushi, drink wine, and get a pedicure. I know that God put her in my life for an important reason and I thank Him for that. She is one of my best friends and I love her.

"Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive,

and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born."

~Anais Nin

After Aiden passed John would come over and just sit with me. The first time he came over after we lost Aiden I was so exhausted I just slept on the couch while he watched tv with Nygel and my mom. He didn't mind. Later visits I stayed up :) And a lot of times we just watched tv and ate- wings, burgers, cheese, wine :) He's a great friend. Over sushi and wine one day I told him about my letters to Aiden. And he encouraged me to share them...he said I might be able to help someone else. In some ways he helped me get to the point where I could start this blog. He's a great friend to both Nygel and I and I'm so thankful to have him in our lives.

What I Share With My Friends:
1. Laughter
2. Wine!!
3. Sushi- Nygel won't eat it :)
4. Honesty
5. Mindless TV shows
6. Joy and Pain

There are so many other friends that have supported us, prayed for us, sent cards and texts and e-mails just to say they were thinking of us. Thank you everyone. I can't list you all here but know that I love you.

The Love I Share with "Strangers"

I have "strangers" in quotes because it's not really the right way to describe the wonderful ladies I've met in the last 3 months. The love and support I've received from other Baby Loss Mamas has given me a strength I never knew I could have. Your love, stories, and ability to know just what to say has meant the world to me. Your strength and courage makes me want to be stronger and more courageous.

"Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more.

It turns denial into acceptance, chaos to order, confusion to clarity.

It can turn a meal into a feast, a house into a home, a stranger into a friend."

~Melody Beattie

I started blogging because I was so inspired by other BLMs. I wanted to share my story too- hoping it would help someone else the way reading your blogs helped me. Through blogging and Facebook I have found this amazing baby loss community and other mamas who know how I feel. I have shared my story and they have shared theirs. And all of a sudden you are not strangers anymore!

Here's what I share with other BLMs:
1. Blogging- such a great outlet
2. Good days and bad days- you guys understand both
3. Having crazy emotions/emotional triggers- no one gets this like another BLM
4. Hopes and dreams
5. Hugs!! xx
6. Understanding
7. Validation- of my feelings and fears
8. Strength

Thank you so much all of you- you just don't know what an inspiration you all have been to me. I thank God that I found you all! Thank you for sharing your love with me!

Ok so I think I've covered all my love! Hope this was a good read for everyone! I really did pour my heart into it.

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And now for my first ever giveaway on this blog!!!!  I'm so excited!!!  After Aiden passed in November I really wanted to get a special ornament for our Christmas tree.  I kept looking and looking and could never find the perfect one.  Then one day I found Bugaboo Jewelry and Kristi another baby loss mama.  You can read about her and her baby boy Alex by clicking here.  Kristi was so fabulous and not only did she make the perfect ornament for Aiden she got it to me in time for Christmas (despite my late ordering)!!!  I love, love, love Aiden's ornament and since it's not Christmas anymore it stays on our dresser all the time.

So here's the giveaway:  A personalized footprints on my ♥heart♥ glass tile pendant!  

Isn't it lovely?!?!?!?

I was going to give away an ornament like Aiden's but then I saw this beautiful pendant with a ♥heart♥ and I thought it was just perfect for a Valentine's Day giveaway!  This pendant can be personalized with your baby's footprints and their name.

When I told Kristi what I was doing she agreed to sponsor today's giveaway...so sweet!  And then she told me she would donate 3 of these beautiful pendants!!!!  Can you believe it!?!?  That's right- 3 pendants from the lovely Kristi!!  Thank you mama!!  ♥♥♥

Here's how you enter the giveaway:

1. Leave me a comment here describing how you share your love and with whom.

2. Add a ♥ to the comment- after all it is Valentine's Day!
3. Include in your comment you baby's name for the pendant and whether you would like to include their footprints on the pendant or just use the standard footprints seen on the picture.  (If you win and want to use your baby's footprints you'll need to e-mail me the image so I can have it added to the pendant).
4. Follow my blog!!!  This is an easy one :)  If you already follow you can just let me know in your comment.
5. Check out Kristi's shop on Etsy- Bugaboo Jewelry- and leave in your comment what item you just love. ♥

All of this information can be left in one comment- no need to separate anything. Tonight I'll randomly pick three comments and those lucky mamas will win a pendant.  I'll announce the winners tomorrow morning on my blog and Mattie will post all the winners from this week on her blog as well.

♥♥♥Have a wonderfully fabulous Valentine's Day everyone! Sending you my love!! ♥♥♥

xx

Support Group

My support group at Bo's Place has been a great source of strength for me over the last 5 weeks. The 3 women who are a part of the group with me are wonderful, strong, supportive, creative, fun, and know how to give a great hug! Our facilitators have presented us with such carefully planned activities and topic discussions each week. I can't believe my time at Bo's Place is coming to an end. But I know I'm stronger because of this group and for that I give thanks. Thank you God for knowing what and who I needed at just the right time.

So I wanted to share something from my group session this week:

This little master piece is my quilt square for a quilt that will be kept at Bo's Place. Each person who goes through a grief support program at Bo's Place creates a quilt square to remember their loved one. It can be words, pictures, scribbles, what ever you like. Once they have collected enough squares Bo's Place sends them off to be made into a memorial quilt. All the people in a support group together will have their squares placed on the same quilt so they are always together.

They have some amazing ladies that work on these quilts! Every one of them is a perfect piece of art. Once the quilts are ready they are hung on various walls throughout Bo's Place. From the first day I walked into the building I was struck by how touching these quilts are. I couldn't stop reading square after square, learning about all the love shared for lost family members. There are squares made by all ages and some of the best are the simple drawings of small children who don't quite have the words to express their feelings....their pictures say it all.

I'm so glad that Aiden will always be remembered on the walls of Bo's Place because this group has truly helped me in my grieving and healing process.

On another note I wanted to share with you all a few things that I think are just great!!! First is the Jenna Journal Drive. Franchesca at Small Bird Studio is doing a journal drive for her baby girl Jenna's birthday. The Jenna Journal Drive will provide journals to parents in the NICU to record their memories and feelings during their journey, Please check out her page and donate a journal or two or three!

I know that journaling has helped me a lot in this grief journey and I think it's great to provide other baby loss mamas the same outlet to express their feelings. I'm personally going to try to collect at least 10 journals for the drive. If you want to donate with me let me know. All the journals I send will be in memory of Aiden and will include a very beautiful sticker with his name. If you want to donate on your own go to this page for all the details. I'll be sending my journals the around the middle of March so that Fran will have them in time for Jenna's birthday on May 5th. If you want to send a journal in Aiden's memory let me know soon! You can leave a comment or send me an e-mail.

Next I wanted to share Tiffany's page that offers support for those experiencing the loss of a baby because of SIDS. In His Name provides resources and survival kits for families in honor of her beautiful son Julius.

I hope you will all take a moment to stop by her page and support this project. I know that it will mean so much to the families that are dealing with this horrible loss. Also go visit Tiffany's page and enter her awesome giveaway for the month of February. It's sponsored by Franchesca which means it will be really great!!!

Finally I wanted to share some love! Mattie has arranged for herself and other bloggers to post about all about love during the month of February. This blog series is called What Love Really Means and will run from February 1st through 14th. Each day she will post which blog to visit for the day with the goal of helping other baby loss mamas feel loved- what a GREAT idea!!! Mattie is also doing some great giveaways during the month so make sure to check those out too!!! 

I think you should definitely take some time to visit these blogs each day. We could all use some love and hope and what better time to do it than February- the month of LOVE! Also it's a great chance to get to know other baby loss mamas and their precious angels.

Whew! That's it for now...this one was kinda long! I hope everyone has a great Saturday!