Right Where I Am: 3 Years, 9 Months, 4 Weeks, 1 Day

I'm a little late posting this but I really wanted to do this RWIA post for 2014.

Right where I am today is incredibly close to 4 years since I met and said goodbye to my sweet Aiden. One thing that has not changed in all this time is that it still feels unreal to be living without him. And there is not a day that goes by without me thinking of and missing him. Grief is real. And it's hard. And it never goes away. It's always there waiting to rise back to the surface. I am still grieving my son and I will be for the rest of my life.

I think from the outside we must look pretty normal to people. There are always two amazing and active little boys floating around us. And by floating I mean running, crashing into things, laughing really loud, fighting over toys, and having meltdowns. That's floating right- haha :) Just the fact that I find things in life to be fun and funny and happy- that is a huge change from when I wrote my first RWIA post. I also think in a lot of ways we are as normal as we can possibly be. You know without our missing child.

I really have found joy again. My days are spent chasing boys, tripping over dump trucks and legos, trying desperately to find what I'm looking for in my purse/diaper bag, cooking millions of turkey dogs and chicken nuggets, giving multiple baths a day, and trying to squeeze some mama time in there somewhere (although that doesn't happen most days). I'm also working full time 5 days a week. I'm worn out and tired at the end of each day but really it is the best kind of tired ever. I love Mason and Caden so much- sometimes I look at them and immediately big hot tears form in my eyes because I love them with this huge crazy love. I am so happy they are here, and mine, and I get to kiss and squeeze them. Every smile lights up my heart. They bring me happiness I never imagined would be possible again. The only thing that could make it better is if I were chasing 3 boys around. 

Right now there are so many things I want to do. I want to be able to write again and in fact I'm making myself a promise to try to write at least once a week. Even if I don't finish it right then maybe I can try to get back to posting a little more regularly. I've been wanting to write a book forever and now seems as good a time as any to pick my notes back up and get to it. My quiet moments are few and far between these days but early early morning seems to be my best hope.  

I also am working on finally decorating my house. That's a pretty big deal for me. We built this house in 2010 for Aiden and moved in 3.5 months before he was born. The only room that was ever completely decorated before his birthday was his nursery. After he passed away I just couldn't bring myself to finish unpacking or to decorate anything else. Honestly I really didn't care about the damn house. I just wanted my baby back. Now though feels like the right time to create an even more special space for my family. So I'm busy looking at fabrics and furniture and colors as well as creating boards to plan out what I want each room to look like. I'm trying to do some of it myself to save money where I can so projects are all over the place. Anyone want to paint some curtains with me??? 

Outside of my family my BLM tribe is my lifeline. When things get bad they are there. When things are good they celebrate with me. I look forward to seeing them on Instagram every day. Seeing what is going on with of all our rainbows and my dear friends makes me smile. I can't imagine life without these women who truly get the complicated tangle of love, grief, happiness, and crazy that rolls around inside me each day. I love that they will all forever remember Aiden with me. That they speak his name and mention him in every day talks just like they do Mason and Caden. That we can have conversations about fabulous Target sales and food but also grief and sadness. I am so grateful because in the midst of my grief and sadness I'm not alone. I have friends who love me and who love each of my babies as well.

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A few mornings ago Mase was sitting in my bed eating some fruit (I'm sure that surprises no one- ha!) while we were finishing up our morning get ready routine. As he sat facing my mirror he suddenly said "That's my big brother Aiden. He lives in Heaven." My breath caught and I looked up to see him point to the picture of Aiden on our dresser. "Yes baby," I said, "that is your big brother Aiden." Mase looked at me with a smile on his face and said, "Yep I love Aiden. That's my brother." 

I wanted to cry with joy- to hear Aiden's name come from Mason's mouth and to hear that he loves him. Oh my heart. It's in moments like these that I realize I'm doing something right. My sons will always know their older brother. They will always speak his name. They will carry him in their hearts just as Nygel and I do. 

Aiden is incredibly missed and loved every.single.day. That will never change. We will never stop talking about him with each other and sharing him with those around us. And we are so grateful for the family and friends that keep his memory alive with us. 

I love you Aiden 

Right Where I Am: 7 Months, 1 Week, 4 Days

Today I'm participating in Right Where I Am Project created by Angie at Still Life With Circles. I'm sure some of you have seen the posts by other moms but if not you have to check out the project.  There are so many great posts by a lot of great mamas who share where they are in this journey of grief.

So I have been wanting to write this post for a while now but for some reason I just couldn't. Don't really know why.....maybe I didn't want to think about how in this 7 months, 1 week, and 4 days time has basically stood still for me.  Maybe I just didn't want to think about how long it's really been since I held my precious Aiden in my arms.

Where am I in my grief today?

Well it really just depends on the day.  Most days I do ok.  I can smile, work, talk to people, shop for food and household items.  This is definitely a change from November when I could barely even get out of the bed.  So that's progress right?  I take baths, brush my teeth, comb my hair.  I even get my toes polished and my eyebrows waxed.  On the outside I look normal....I think.

On the inside.  Well that's a different story.  And that's where the "depends on the day" comes in to play. Most days on the inside I can be the new person I've become.  I have learned how to function in my grief. I have learned how to talk to non BLMs about non baby loss things. Sometimes I even really care. But most of the time I'm just faking it. Sigh.....I get so tired of faking it sometimes which I've blogged about before.

But then there are the bad days. The days where the grief is overwhelming. Where I miss my son so much it physically hurts. Where I am very angry. How can this be my life- yes I still ask that question every day. How is my Aiden gone.  Why can't I be with him, hold him, smell him, see him.......

There are days where I just want to give up. When I'm just done.

I want to scream and cry and throw myself on the floor in despair......I want to hide from life.  I want this all to be over.

I miss my son. I miss the life I had before. I miss being happy and carefree.

It just plain sucks.

There are days where people hurt me. People who I expected to be there for me who aren't- family and friends. There are days when I'm so mad that people ignore my grief, my son, my reality.  I hate that people expect me to just "be ok" because it's been 7 months.  I love the comment, "Well no one wants to bring it up to you because they don't want to upset you." Are you kidding me?  Like I'm just so happy right? Like hearing my son's name or hearing that someone still cares enough to ask about him or me would hurt me.  At least it wouldn't be like he never existed.

But I can't control other people.  I can't make people care enough to think of Nygel and I.  I don't even know how to make people understand that for us this will never be "over" and done with. The fact that so many people try to make me get over it is a painful thing I deal with daily. So I accept the fact that people "care" but they don't want to "hurt" me.

What I really think is this- people don't want to think about what happened to me because then....gasp....they might have to face the reality that it could happen to them. So I guess right now where I am in my grief is disgusted, fed up, shocked, and hurt by people I thought cared about me. And I'm slowly cutting people out of my life. I thought it would hurt more but it's honestly been very healing.

I think the most important thing about me right now is that I have changed in positive ways. I am dedicated to giving myself and my time to others going through what I went through in November.  I am more compassionate to people experiencing a loss- any kind of loss. I am so very very thankful for the things that God has blessed Nygel and I with- and he really has given us so much. He continues to bless us everyday and I can't say enough prayers of thanks. I treasure our time with family and friends because I know life is brief and fragile. I know things can change in a heartbeat. I do my best to be someone Aiden can look down on from Heaven and be proud of when he sees me. And I think right now I'm doing ok with that.

I miss my son with all my heart. I grieve with all my heart. But am also thankful. Thankful for the time I got to have him with me. Thankful for all the kicks, and ultrasound photos, and quiet time with just Aiden and I. I would give anything to have a moment back with him but I know that the time we had was special and perfect. I know that God gave me an amazing son and the chance to know him.  I know that Aiden has changed my life forever and that I am a better person because of him. I know that I will never get over losing him but I also know that he would want his mama to continue to grow stronger and heal. I know one day I will see him again and that gives me hope.

I will be his mama forever! I will love him forever!

And that's where I am right now......I'm Aiden's mama.