Fix You.....

I shared in this post the lovely slide show my husband made in October to remember our sweet little Aiden and the time we had with him....it was simply beautiful.

Fix You was one of the songs Nygel used in the slide show. Completely fitting because all he has tried to do since we lost Aiden is fix me. I have this song on my current play list and I cry every time I hear it. I wish I didn't have to be fixed.......

I looked into the song in more detail and learned that the song is thought to have been written by Chris Martin for his wife Gwyneth Paltrow after her father passed away. It was a song to help someone grieving a terrible loss. Supposedly when she returned from the hospital after her father passed she told Chris he was the only one who could fix her.

I get that. I would not be standing today if Nygel had not spent the last 14 months trying to fix me. I am truly blessed.

The song lyrics are often stuck in my head these days. Especially these words:

And the tears come streaming down your face

When you lose something you can't replace 

When you love someone, but it goes to waste 

Could it be worse?

I've lost something so dear and precious....someone who can never be replaced. Aiden isn't here and that is so horrible and wrong.

But some how on this journey, on this terrible road, I'm slowly becoming fixed. 

Now let's get this straight- I am in no way my old self.  I'm no longer the girl who was naive to the terrible tragedies that can occur when you are trying to bring a new life into this world. I'm still struggling and will always long for my Aiden. I can't tolerate a bunch of crap and people who don't appreciate their precious children make me sick. I will NEVER be the old me. I will ALWAYS have sad/hard/overwhelmingly horrible days. I will still always wonder why my little Aiden is not here with us. Having Mason does not remove the pain of losing Aiden. I will forever work to make sure Aiden's life is remembered.

But the love of my husband, my sweet sweet children, and the hope I have for the future has slowly, slowly, slowly begun to build me back up. I'm not fixed and I know never will be completely. But I have faith that I will continue to heal and become the best new me I can be. And all I can do is my best.

Tears stream down on your face

When you lose something you cannot replace 

Tears stream down on your face 

And I... 

Lights will guide you home 

And ignite your bones 

And I will try to fix you

My Family

Happy List Saturdays #11

Wow Saturday came fast this week!!!  I guess that's what happens when you try to cram a week of work for my real job into 3 days plus all the extra work I do when I get home....whew! But like my friend Fran says:

"But I like it this way. This is how I function.
This is how I learned to survive after losing Jenna- throw myself into my work which I love.
Now it’s a way of life."

This is definitely how I function now. I have learned to survive on less sleep.....to work in all the free time I have during the day (and night!).....I have an urgent drive to help other moms.....I know the work I have to do in my baby boy's name and I have to get it done not matter what.

So needless to say I have some pretty crazy hectic weeks- like this one.  But I still want to take some time to stop and thank God for all the happy things in my life.....and there are still so many!

♥ Nygel- my husband is my everything and I'm so so very happy to have such a great partner!

♥ Miracles- they really do happen and I continue to believe in the miracles God has in store for all of us!

♥ My sister graduated last weekend!!!  Yay!  So excited for her and so proud of all she's done!

It was soooo cold in California that night but the graduation was great!  Here's a few pics of the rest of us:

♥ Family Trips- I forgot how much I love family vacations until I got to take one this past week with my mom, dad, sister, niece, and my hubby!!  After my sister's graduation last weekend we went to San Francisco to hang out.  It was great!!!  We also took the family for dinner at Hard Rock Cafe to celebrate Carissia's graduation- yummy! Here are a few pics:

Great pic right?!

LOVE Steel drums!  So Trini!

Dancing to the steel drum music!

Yep- a lizard!  She did good- I wouldn't even touch it!

Nygel and I with a view of San Fran in the background

It's me and the Golden Gate Bridge!

Kayla and her grandparents

Carissia and Nygel's drinks- Nygel's had a little more kick!

Yep it was so good she got ribs in her eye!  Crazy girl!

Ummm Dessert!

They are so cool :)

I'll share some more pics of the time Nygel and I spent by ourselves in San Francisco soon!

♥ My Anniversary gift!  Love this!  I've been wanting one forever and my sweet husband got me one- the Modern gift for 4th wedding anniversaries is appliances and we always get a traditional or modern gift for each other every year.  What did he get?  Fruit- in the form of an Edible Arrangement with balloons!!!!

♥ Quiet weekends- like we plan to have this weekend :)

♥ Cami!  Love her so much!  We missed this little puppy while we were gone.

♥ Movie nights and Chinese food- LOVE!

♥ I nominated my friend Molly for Fran's new blog program and she WON!!!  Yay!  So happy for her!  Love that girl!  And love Fran for being so awesome!

♥ Iced tea....ummmm!  Love the summer time and tea!

♥ Surprises!  Love them and love sharing :)

So that's my list for this week.  Lot's of family time which was great and much needed! I can't wait to read what has made your list this Saturday!  Take care and have a great weekend!