My Vacation

I have been a terrible blogger lately- so sorry guys! I have just been running around like crazy and I haven't had a chance to really sit at my computer for more than a few quick minutes at a time. But here I am and I'm going to try to catch you up on me :)

So last week I got to do something I really needed to do.....I took a vacation and visited with some of my dear BLM friends in Minnesota!

And it was great!

I spent 4 days visiting with some amazing moms who I am so very lucky to call my friends......Noah's mommy- Jenna, Julius' mommy- Tiffany, Stevie's mommy- Kristin, Ellie's mommy- Tiffany, and River's mommy- Deanna.

I can't tell you how nice it was to meet all of them in person. I already felt like I knew them all so well- now after my trip I ♥ them even more!!!!  Totally fabulous women!

Honestly before this trip I was getting very close to a breaking point. Lots of sadness, anger, regret.  Being able talk freely about Aiden was so great for me. I was able to share as much as I wanted without worrying that people might think I was "crazy, "bitter", or "someone who needed to get over it." They got it. They get me. It was really just what I needed.

Let me share my trip with you........

Saturday Tiffany and I got settled in our hotel and went to dinner with Jenna who was so sweet to pick us up from the airport and take us around all week. She is amazing!

On Sunday we had the chance to go to a brunch in honor of moms who had lost children or who have children with serious illnesses. This event was hosted by Chad Greenway who plays for Nygel's favorite NFL team- the Minnesota Vikings!

Table Centerpieces

   And we got some beautiful Vera Bradley bags! Yay! I love, love, love Vera Bradley and have a ton of her stuff already! I was super excited to get a new tote bag in the color I had been drooling over- Lemon Parfait!

We spent the rest of the afternoon making some lovely pottery. Everyone did so well with their pieces- I can't wait to get mine in the mail soon!

One of my pieces- a monkey for my little man!

We left pottery and got a little lost from each other! Ha! That's what happens when you have 3 cars!!! Here we are waiting on the rest of our group:

Jenna with her frozen drink :)

T & T

The we went to a cool spot called Cafeteria for dinner. I had the Thanksgiving Dinner special and it was quite tasty! And yes it was served on a cafeteria tray! HA!!!

Whew- it was a busy day! But great! 

The next day Tiffany and I hung out by ourselves for a little bit and I got some beautiful flower pics:

Then we got to visit Noah's special spot and take some lovely balloons for Noah, Aiden, and Julius. 

Of course one of Aiden's Balloons got stuck in a tree! It made it's way out slowly :)

One of Aiden's Balloons

And there were so many dragonflies everywhere- just beautiful! They were so many different colors of dragonflies but this gold one was one of my favorites!

We also got to meet Jenna's mom for lunch this day. She made us so much food! OMG we had chicken salad, egg salad, tuna salad, pasta salad, watermelon, and a yummy banana and chocolate dessert. And Jenna's mom was just as sweet and lovely as Jenna :) So glad we got the chance to meet her!

My last day in Minnesota I got to go to a special Ellie's Light event.  It was a bowling night/silent auction and I was so happy to get to help with one of the events- the Balloon Pop. I was not the best balloon string person (yes it took me forever to tie the string to the balloons!) but I was able to do much better with the people popping the balloons and getting prizes!

Got all the balloons blown up and tied!

I got the chance to make some blocks for Ellie which were displayed at the Balloon Pop!

Jenna and Tiffany drawing names for door prizes- love that horse!

Tiffany manning the Balloon Pop in her cute Ellie's Light t-shirt!

The whole event was just amazing and I'm so glad I got to be there with Tiffany for her baby girl's lovely night! 

So that was my trip- really such a great time. I know there were some other things in between that I am probably leaving off this post but we really stayed busy the whole time- and I loved it! I came back very rested and happy! Thanks ladies for everything! Love you all!!!

I Miss Him

I know that I've probably said it many many times before.........but......

I miss him.

So very very much.........sigh

I pulled out his pictures yesterday morning to look at them. Sometimes I cannot get over how much he looks like Nygel. His little mini me. He is just so beautiful in all his pictures.........

One day I may get the strength to share more than just his hands and feet on this blog. One day I may be able to show you that gorgeous face, the head full of beautiful soft curly hair, and the round little tummy that you could see so well- even with his onesie on........just beautiful. One day I hope I can share him more but I'm just not ready yet........

I miss Aiden every.single.day.

I know that I don't cry as much as I used to and I know that I am able to keep it together for longer periods of time.....BUT.....when the tears do come, boy do they come.

They definitely came yesterday as I looked at the beautiful pictures taken by our NILMDTS photographer. As I looked at my amazingly handsome son. As I imagined what he would look like today and what his pictures might turn out like now.

I miss him.........I miss him so much.........

I Was Here

Anyone else like Beyonce? I think she's great. Love all her music and I can relate to so many of her songs. Her newest CD "4" came out last week.  As I scanned through the songs to hear all the dance and love tracks I was happy that I had something new and fun to listen to. Bobbed my head right along to all the songs.

And then......my breath was taken away when I heard song number 11.

I Was Here

It's like she wrote this song just for me. To remind me that my son was here.....he was important.....his life meant something.......

I think this song could apply to anyone that has lost a loved one. But for me it takes me straight to my sweet Aiden.

I break down in tears every time I hear this song..........

beyonce_-_i_was_here

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Here are the lyrics:

I wanna leave my footprints on the sands of time 

Know there was something that, and something that I left behind 

When I leave this world, I'll leave no regrets 

Leave something to remember, so they won't forget 

I was here... 

I lived, I loved 

I was here... 

I did, I've done, everything that I wanted 

And it was more than I thought it would be 

I will leave my mark so everyone will know 

I was here... 

I want to say I lived each day, until I died 

I know that I had something in, somebody's life 

The hearts I have touched, will be the proof that I leave 

That I made a difference, and this world will see 

I was here... 

I lived, I loved 

I was here... 

I did, I've done, everything that I wanted 

And it was more than I thought it would be 

I will leave my mark so everyone will know 

I was here... 

I was here... 

I lived, I loved 

I was here... 

I did, I've done, everything that I wanted 

And it was more than I thought it would be 

I will leave my mark so everyone will know 

I was here... 

I just want them to know 

That I gave my all, did my best 

Brought someone to happiness 

Left this world a little better just because... 

I was here... 

I was here... 

I lived, I loved 

I was here... 

I did, I've done, everything that I wanted 

And it was more than I thought it would be 

I will leave my mark so everyone will know 

I was here...

Aiden was here.......

He lived in me for 36 weeks......

He loved me and his daddy so very much.......

He left this world a better place because he was here....

He touched so many hearts and made a difference in this world with his little life.....

He brought so much happiness to so many people.....just because.....he was here.....

Aiden left this world a better place......

And I'll never let anyone forget it or take away from me the fact that my son was here.

8 Months

Dear Aiden,

Happy 8 months little man! I hope that you have a super fun day today with all your angel friends. We'll be hanging out with family today but know that you are in my thoughts throughout everything I do.

Today is hard but I think the hardest part is that I'm feeling further and further away from you. Time just keeps passing and I want to scream at it to stop!!! I don't cry every day anymore. I don't break down in public places or lose it when I see a baby. I don't have to fight the urge that tells me to stay in bed all day in a ball.

I don't want to be further away from you but I know this gradual healing- this being ok- is something I have to do. It doesn't take me away from you. Nope you're always with me. It just takes me closer to the person I have to be until I can see you again.

And although I feel ok today I know that tomorrow I could relapse back into utter despair. And I know that's ok. That's what grief is. And I will allow myself to feel whatever I need to to grieve for you baby.

Know that I love you always and forever. You will always be with me. I carry you in my heart. For my whole life- and the after life- you will be my Aiden William,

I love you baby boy......forever and ever you are my precious precious angel.

Love,

Mommy

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

July 1st

Wow I can't believe it's July already. Time is a crazy thing......it somehow manages to move quickly and stand still all at once.

This week has been a rough. Lots of stress, lots of worry, lots of anger, lots of times I've asked myself "Why?" to so many things.

Today on July 1st I'm reminded that tomorrow....July 2nd....will be 8 months without Aiden. 8 months since I've held him. 8 months since my life changed forever. I miss my baby so much. I wish he was here.

I have promised myself to stress less and that's my goal for now.....baby steps to less stress. Trusting in God's grace and letting go of trying to understand or handle these things myself.

My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. 

~2 Corinthians 12:9