I cried myself to sleep last night. I haven't done that in a while....I think. You know it's possible I have and I just don't even remember because it was so bad. How horrible is that?
Anyway I cried myself to sleep last night.....4 months since I held Aiden in my arms. 4 months since I saw his beautiful face and arms and legs and hair. A perfect little person that I had carried for 36 weeks and 5 days.
I'm not pregnant anymore, there is no life growing inside me. And my baby boy, my precious angel is gone.
I have had crazy mood swings over the last few days. I was asked a question at work by someone I don't know that well but I've seen around the office. I'm sure you know what it was- well some version of what it was. "What did you have?" she asked with a smile. "Excuse me?" I said. "What did you have? You just had your baby right?" CRASH.....I'm doing ok...I'm working....I'm talking to people....I'm trying to be normal. And there is the question. The one we all dread. I told her that I had a little boy but he didn't make it. And of course her smile disappeared. "I'm so sorry." Me too. I know she didn't know- it's not her fault. Everyone wants to know about babies. I just wonder how many times I'm going to have to answer this.
Then when I got home I had a baby shower invitation in the mail. I wasn't expecting it and on that day it just put me over the top. I am so happy for my friend and everyone else who has been blessed with a child. But it makes me so sad and angry at the same time. It's a reminder. Why couldn't I have Aiden?????
I know today is going to be a hard day...I pray that I can stay focused enough to make it to tomorrow. I miss my son so much I feel like my heart is going to burst.
I love his feet- they are the most perfect feet- my feet......
I love you Aiden William, forever and ever I will carry you in my heart. Mommy hopes that today even though I may cry a little that you have lots of fun up there in heaven with Papa, Aunty Jacqueline, and all your new little angel baby friends. I know I'll feel you near me today. I love you so much baby boy!
Love,
Mommy
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