Right Where I Am: 3 Years, 9 Months, 4 Weeks, 1 Day

I'm a little late posting this but I really wanted to do this RWIA post for 2014.

Right where I am today is incredibly close to 4 years since I met and said goodbye to my sweet Aiden. One thing that has not changed in all this time is that it still feels unreal to be living without him. And there is not a day that goes by without me thinking of and missing him. Grief is real. And it's hard. And it never goes away. It's always there waiting to rise back to the surface. I am still grieving my son and I will be for the rest of my life.

I think from the outside we must look pretty normal to people. There are always two amazing and active little boys floating around us. And by floating I mean running, crashing into things, laughing really loud, fighting over toys, and having meltdowns. That's floating right- haha :) Just the fact that I find things in life to be fun and funny and happy- that is a huge change from when I wrote my first RWIA post. I also think in a lot of ways we are as normal as we can possibly be. You know without our missing child.

I really have found joy again. My days are spent chasing boys, tripping over dump trucks and legos, trying desperately to find what I'm looking for in my purse/diaper bag, cooking millions of turkey dogs and chicken nuggets, giving multiple baths a day, and trying to squeeze some mama time in there somewhere (although that doesn't happen most days). I'm also working full time 5 days a week. I'm worn out and tired at the end of each day but really it is the best kind of tired ever. I love Mason and Caden so much- sometimes I look at them and immediately big hot tears form in my eyes because I love them with this huge crazy love. I am so happy they are here, and mine, and I get to kiss and squeeze them. Every smile lights up my heart. They bring me happiness I never imagined would be possible again. The only thing that could make it better is if I were chasing 3 boys around. 

Right now there are so many things I want to do. I want to be able to write again and in fact I'm making myself a promise to try to write at least once a week. Even if I don't finish it right then maybe I can try to get back to posting a little more regularly. I've been wanting to write a book forever and now seems as good a time as any to pick my notes back up and get to it. My quiet moments are few and far between these days but early early morning seems to be my best hope.  

I also am working on finally decorating my house. That's a pretty big deal for me. We built this house in 2010 for Aiden and moved in 3.5 months before he was born. The only room that was ever completely decorated before his birthday was his nursery. After he passed away I just couldn't bring myself to finish unpacking or to decorate anything else. Honestly I really didn't care about the damn house. I just wanted my baby back. Now though feels like the right time to create an even more special space for my family. So I'm busy looking at fabrics and furniture and colors as well as creating boards to plan out what I want each room to look like. I'm trying to do some of it myself to save money where I can so projects are all over the place. Anyone want to paint some curtains with me??? 

Outside of my family my BLM tribe is my lifeline. When things get bad they are there. When things are good they celebrate with me. I look forward to seeing them on Instagram every day. Seeing what is going on with of all our rainbows and my dear friends makes me smile. I can't imagine life without these women who truly get the complicated tangle of love, grief, happiness, and crazy that rolls around inside me each day. I love that they will all forever remember Aiden with me. That they speak his name and mention him in every day talks just like they do Mason and Caden. That we can have conversations about fabulous Target sales and food but also grief and sadness. I am so grateful because in the midst of my grief and sadness I'm not alone. I have friends who love me and who love each of my babies as well.

~~~~~~~~

A few mornings ago Mase was sitting in my bed eating some fruit (I'm sure that surprises no one- ha!) while we were finishing up our morning get ready routine. As he sat facing my mirror he suddenly said "That's my big brother Aiden. He lives in Heaven." My breath caught and I looked up to see him point to the picture of Aiden on our dresser. "Yes baby," I said, "that is your big brother Aiden." Mase looked at me with a smile on his face and said, "Yep I love Aiden. That's my brother." 

I wanted to cry with joy- to hear Aiden's name come from Mason's mouth and to hear that he loves him. Oh my heart. It's in moments like these that I realize I'm doing something right. My sons will always know their older brother. They will always speak his name. They will carry him in their hearts just as Nygel and I do. 

Aiden is incredibly missed and loved every.single.day. That will never change. We will never stop talking about him with each other and sharing him with those around us. And we are so grateful for the family and friends that keep his memory alive with us. 

I love you Aiden 

BLM Weekend in Chicago 2013

I haven't posted here in a LOOOOOOOONG time. Too long really considering how special of a space this is for me. But after the weekend I just had it was impossible not to write about it.

From Friday to Sunday Mason and I were able to spend the weekend with some amazing mamas and babies. Beautiful rainbow babies. And not only did we get to meet all these rainbows but we were able to share the sweet little angels that brought us together.

Aiden

Cale

Andrew

Julius

Hayes

Jack

Addison

Eliza

Camille

Ava

Elizabeth

Anna

Bear

William and Ethan

It took me a few months to find the blogging world after we lost Aiden. From that horrible day in November to about January 2011 I was in a completely blinding fog. I couldn't see very much in any direction around me. And as I started to come out of the fog I began looking for someone who understood me. I scoured the internet for someone like me- who had experienced the worst possible loss in life and was still functioning. Someone who understood the insane places my mind went to every day. Someone who didn't need an explanation for the paralyzing fear I carried with me that I would lose everyone I loved now that Aiden was gone. Someone who understood my desperate need to have a living child.  Someone who just got me.

And through the blogging community I didn't just find someone. I found so many women who helped when I needed them the most. This amazing community of moms who never wanted to be a community but despite this were making the best of the horrible cards life had dealt them. I found women who supported me through my tears and sadness, who cheered for me in my small victories, who listened to the craziness that went through my head daily when I was pregnant with Mason, and who accepted me no matter what. I could be real, I could be myself.....and not be judged. That part means so much to me even today. Because there are not many situations in my life where I can be completely real and myself. Not after losing Aiden. I still have to fake it sometimes. But with my BLM friends it all the real deal Natasha.

Sad, Grumpy, Crazy, Happy, Disgusted, Pissed Off.

You name it I can be it and these ladies still accept me. No faking at all. I am so grateful for everyone I have connected with through blogging ❤

I was fortunate enough to take a trip to Minnesota in 2011 when I was pregnant with Mason to meet some BLM friends. It was a much needed trip and I spent several days letting out all my bottled up emotions with people who understood me.

Well last Friday (exactly a week ago!) Mason and I were at the airport heading to Chicago to meet some more of our friends in person. And it was amazing!

My sweet friend Caroline (Cale and Finn's mama) came to pick us up from the airport to start the weekend. Caroline and I got to meet a few months back and go to dinner with our hubbies and our rainbow boys which was great:) She took us to Brandy's house (Andrew and Benjamin's mama) where we were bombarded with love. Caroline actually carried Mason in and the first thing I heard was my favorite Southern Belle Molly (Sloane, Hayes, and Kellan's mama) say "it's Mason!" Lol!

From there it was crazy chaos! But like the best chaos ever :) Babies, mamas, toys, sippy cups, diapers, and of course......The Lawn Mower. We ended up having to hide this toy which apparently Benjamin though was just 'ehhh' but my child and Finn and a few others were seriously fighting over! I have one on order for Mason right now so hopefully it will be here soon!

Late that evening we headed to the hotel to rest up. One of my dear friends Tiffany and her daughter Juliana were our roommates. Tiffany and I have also met in person before and the last time we saw each other we were both pregnant with our rainbows who were born exactly one month apart! Tiffany is also mommy to sweet Julius who along with Aiden brought us together. Mase and Juli had a ball playing and watching cartoons on the iPad once we got settled in the hotel. Lots of fun!

Saturday was also a great day. No firm plans just a picnic in the park with a bunch of babies and mamas and some awesome dad's who also made the trip. I cannot tell you how nice it was to see all those kiddos together. Like one of the best things ever. The only thing that would have made it better would have been their sweet older siblings there with us. But I gotta tell you, I really feel that they were. I felt Aiden with me. I felt the other angel babies there with us as well. So wonderful.

It was great feeling so completely comfortable with women I had not ever technically met in person (except for 2) but who I knew so well from sharing our lives with each other through blogs, emails, texts, and pictures. Women who get me. And all my issues. Being able to hug them and share meals and laughter and tears in person? No words- just perfect. Thank you so much ladies.

And the babies. Seeing the babies that I anxiously waited for with their mamas, saying many prayers and shedding lots of tears through pregnancy ups and downs. Man, meeting and loving on them was pure joy. Again I felt like I knew them all so well already from their adorable pictures and the descriptions their moms shared of them. But their sweet little personalities in real life were enough to keep me smiling the whole weekend.

Another amazing part of the weekend was watching all the mamas mother on everyone's babies. I can't tell you how much these ladies helped me with Mason when I really needed it and I am so appreciative! The love shown to these sweet rainbows by all the mamas was just beautiful. And I can't leave out the dads! Because my friend Laura's husband (they are mama and daddy to Jack and Grace) was Mason's BFF on this trip. For real. Best friends! And Scott was so wonderful with him! Thank you guys!

Seriously I can't even name everything that was so wonderful about this trip- there are way too many. It was just what I needed when I needed it. We laughed, we cried, we shared all of our babies. It's always therapeutic to me to be able to speak openly about how I feel and not hide my emotions. Again I can only say I am so grateful for all the women who have taken me in and loved me and my babies when I needed it the most.

When Mason and I headed home Sunday I was exhausted but my heart was full of all I experienced over the weekend. I can't wait to for my next opportunity to see these ladies as well as some of my other BLM friends who weren't able to make the trip this time. Even though you were definitely thought of I can't wait to see you face to face! My heart is already ready for the next time........until 2014. Or sooner if we can manage it!

All the babies and mamas ❤ 

It's Been A While....

My house is quiet this morning, a rare thing at 6:30 am. Usually Mason is up watching Mickey Mouse Clubhouse in between running circles around the dog and cats while throwing toys left and right. Usually I'm rushing to get ready for work and sneaking in hugs and kisses in between brushing my teeth and combing my hair. Usually I'm trying to feed Cam and make sure she goes out to potty while keeping Mason from running outside with her. Morning are really hectic.

But not this morning. This morning my house is quiet. My boys are sleeping and it's just me with my thoughts.

When I'm alone and it's quiet my thoughts always go to my sweet Aiden. My thoughts go to him all the time but when it's quiet I can't help but wonder what it would be like if he were here with us. I wonder if it would really be quiet right now? Or would my 2 year old be up with me. Sharing hugs and kisses and snuggles. I would give anything for those hugs and kisses. And the snuggles.......

I haven't posted since November 6th so it's definitely been a while. After Aiden's birthday I didn't have a lot to say. My thoughts were just of him constantly....of what could have been. My friend Keelen says that when it's our baby's birthday the whole month belongs to them. And I feel that way too. November is Aiden's. He was due on Thanksgiving Day and born on November 2nd. So yeah pretty much the whole month is his. And Thanksgiving (and every other holiday) will never be the same. The holidays are just hard period. Mason helps so much to give us joy during the hardest time. But not matter what it's still hard.

I'm feeling sad this morning. Yesterday I was pretty grumpy and cranky. I guess moods swings never go away. But this morning sad is definitely the overwhelming feeling. Sad for myself. Sad for some of my BLM friends who are also having a hard time.

I think so often of the last moments I had with Aiden. I wish I could hold him one more time. Smell him and feel his weight in my arms. I picture Nygel singing to him by the window in our room. It breaks my heart that I could only see it that one time. It wasn't enough. It will never be enough. I'm just sad. Heartbreakingly sad.......

I am destined for a life where my happiness and grief are intertwined forever.

I miss my son.

Right Now

I haven't posted in a while.....a long while. Life has been taken up with regular things. We spend our days watching Mason grow and change and be this amazing little person. And that makes me happy. He makes us happy. We smile more than I ever believed was possible again. He is an incredible boy ♥

But I still feel pain from what should have been. I feel sadness when I think of who I expected myself to be right now and the loss of who I was. I feel hurt when I remember the life that Nygel and I dreamed of for ourselves. The plans we made that have been forever changed.

Forever.

I miss this space. My space. Our space. Me and Aiden. The place where I can come to talk about him and get out all the emotions bottled up inside me. Where I can share him freely. There's so much on my heart lately. So many overwhelming thoughts and feelings.

November 2nd is so close. Closer and closer every day........

It's unreal.

Usually I reserve the word "meltdown" for Mason. He can go from happy to majorly upset in a matter of seconds. Playing with his toys and running around joyfully turns into crocodile tears and outstretched arms that only want mama 2.5 seconds later. I am always amazed at how fast his mood can change.....peaceful to meltdown.

And then I realized just how much Mase and I have in common when it comes to meltdowns. Because mine come on in a matter of seconds also. I'm happy and calm one minute and then moments later I'm a crying mess.

My own personal meltdowns.

I've been having a few lately. Meltdowns over how close his second birthday is to being here. Over how much I wish I could be doing for him every day. Over how incredibly unfair it is that my first born son is not here with us. Over how badly I miss him. So much. All.the.time.

Meltdowns for days. 

I think his birthday this year will be quiet again. Just our little family. I hope and pray that he can feel how much we love and miss him. Always.

And I try to remember that each day that goes by brings me a little closer to him again.

I love you Aiden. Always.

Mother's Day

Mother's Day this year was a different experience for me. I've been a mother for quite some time now even though most people never acknowledged that before Mason was born. But this Mother's Day was different in so many ways. Different emotions, thoughts, and I didn't feel quite the way I expected to this year.

In the weeks leading up to Mother's Day I struggled like I haven't struggled in a while. The sadness and grief were overwhelming.

May 2nd marked Aiden's 18th month in Heaven. And that was rough. I spent a lot of time in the nursery with his pictures and I cried and cried and cried some more. Then I went and found Nygel and cried for even longer. I haven't had a long cry like that in awhile and I guess I needed to get it out.

I miss him so much. So very much.

I honestly wasn't really looking forward to Mother's Day. If I can't have both of my boys with me then really what's the point? I told Nygel I just wanted a quiet day at home.

One morning while Nygel was still sleeping I took Mason into the nursery and began showing him Aiden's pictures. Now Mason has seen pictures of Aiden before but on this morning it was different. I almost fell over when his face lit up in the biggest smile I've ever seen him give! Tears sprung to my eyes and I said "Oh you know Aiden huh? You know your big brother?" And I swear he gave an even bigger smile than before. It was amazing! The look on his face was like, "Duh mama- of course I know him! That's my brother. I love that guy!"

I could not stop crying.

I ran to our room and woke Nygel up to tell him- "Mason knows Aiden!!!"

The best Mother's Day gift ever. My boys know each other. Makes my heart smile every time I think of it ♥ My Mother's Day ended up being exactly what I wanted- quiet, peaceful, full of love, and with me being surrounded by all my boys.

I hope you all had a peaceful Mother's Day. Thinking of you all and your sweet babies.

:::

Dear Aiden,

Thank you so much for being my son, my love, and forever a part of my life. I love you more than words can fully express. I am so grateful that you make yourself a part of your brother's life. I am so happy that you know each other. You are an amazing big brother as I always knew you would be. I miss you, I love, and I think of you always.

Happy 18 months sweet boy!

Love,
Mama

Sitting

Some days it continues to be unreal that Aiden is not here. Last night Nygel and I talked about him. We sat with Mason in the nursery and talked about Aiden. How our 17 month old should be here sharing family time with us. I cried. It still is so so very hard. But I also smiled as Nygel talked about the personality he knew Aiden would have. About how he pictured our firstborn son growing up- the way he would look and behave. Our sweet Aiden.

I miss him so much.

At church this past Sunday our pastor preached about Mary, Martha, and Lazarus. The sermon came from John 12:2-3:

There they made him a supper; and Martha served: 

but Lazarus was one of them that sat at the table with him.

Then took Mary a pound of ointment of spikenard, very costly, 

and anointed the feet of Jesus, and wiped his feet with her hair: 

and the house was filled with the odour of the ointment.

Our pastor went on to discuss the different actions of the siblings after Jesus brought Lazarus back from the dead. Martha served- she showed her love and appreciation by serving the meal and giving of herself. Mary sacrificed- she took the most expensive thing she owned and gave it to Jesus. Her sacrifice was so great that it filled the house. In doing this she also helped prepare his body for what was to come soon. 

But here is where the story took an interesting turn for me.

How did Lazarus act after being raised from the dead? He just sat there. And this is what Jesus wanted him to do.

Hmmmmm.....

Why would Jesus want Lazarus to just sit there?

Well in the sermon on Sunday my pastor described exactly why. Jesus wanted this to show what He was capable of doing. To show that if you believe and have faith in Him, He can bring you back from anything.....in Lazarus's case from being dead.

Our pastor went on to say that at some point we have all been Lazarus. Maybe not physically dead but none the less, dead in some way. And that really hit home. When we lost Aiden I may as well have been dead. I didn't care about anything other than the fact that my child was gone. All my thoughts centered around the fact that my life might as well be over. 

And yet somehow 17 months later here I am.

As the sermon continued this was posed to the congregation- "Think about where you were just a year ago." 

"Ok is he talking directly to me?????" was the thought running through my mind.

My heart stopped just a little as I considered this. 

Last year at this time I was numb, broken, and felt like life could just go on without me. I wanted to die without my son. I wasn't physically dead, but I really feel like I was as close as I could get to it. 

This year I still mourn my son's death. I still cannot believe he is gone and that I won't see him again until I leave this earth. But I also have joy and happiness that I never thought I would experience again. I love my family and the time that I share with them everyday. And I love that no matter what we include Aiden in our lives in everything we do. He is a part of every day conversations, his pictures are all over the house, and we talk to Mason about him whenever we can. Although I am missing an important piece of myself and forever will, I am not dead anymore.

Wow. That's an amazing thought.

I don't know that Jesus is sitting me up for anyone to look at right now. But maybe one day I can help someone else. Maybe one day I will be able to say "it's hard, terrible, and incredibly unfair the cross you've been given to bear. But one day you will experience happiness in your life again. It will always be intertwined with bits of sadness. BUT you will feel it again one day."

There are many women who I've had the opportunity to watch as they "sat". And as I look at their incredible strength and grace I am always thankful to be blessed with the opportunity to have that hope placed in my life. I draw strength from their strength.

So now I have a little more understanding of the story of Mary, Martha, and Lazarus. I never saw myself sharing a connection with Lazarus. But just as Jesus brought him back from the dead, I feel like slowly I am being brought back to life as well.

You know I hesitate to write things like this sometimes. For one reason I know it's hard for people who are struggling terribly with their grief to hear that "it's going to get better". It was hard for me for a long time to hear that even from other BLMs.  I also take pause because I don't want anyone for a second to think I am "over" losing Aiden. I will never be over it. In my mind it's not something to get over. His loss is something I will carry with me forever. I will carry him in my heart forever. So when I say I'm doing ok it doesn't mean I forgot about Aiden because I have another child now. It doesn't mean I'm cured and so now safe to talk to again. It definitely doesn't mean that stupid comments don't still cut like a knife.

It simply means I'm healing. I'm hoping. I'm trying to let love fill me up as much as possible.

And I'm always missing and loving my Aiden.

Happy 17th months my sweet boy! 

~ Love Mama

Dear Aiden......

Dear Aiden,

I can't believe how long it's been since I posted here on your blog. Almost 20 days!

It's not because I haven't thought of you.....far from it. I think of you every.single.day my sweet boy. You are and always will be my first born son. And I love you today just as I always have....with all my heart.

My words and thoughts have just been a jumbled mess lately. I have so many emotions running through my heart and my brain it's hard to keep track of them all. Everything just sounds too mixed up when I start to write it down. I have even started to post before and then just saved it as a draft.

Why?

Well it's complicated I guess. Just like everything else in my life since the day I lost you.

Your little brother Mason came into this world screaming and flailing his arms 24 days ago. I know you saw mommy crying like a baby. Some of my tears were tears of joy- joy for the beautiful life that is your baby brother. There were also tears of pain, hurt, and sorrow- pain because you are not here, sorrow because I never got to hear you scream or see you wave your arms around like a mad man, hurt because I miss you so very much.

I feel like I will forever be a mix of conflicting emotions. Every good and happy thing will also always remind me of what I'm missing- you.

I never thought that someone could exist in such a tangled mess of feelings and thoughts.

But yet I am.

I'm happy because Mason makes a funny face or scowls at me for taking too many pictures of him. And my heart is so full of joy! And then I think of how much I want to see a smile on your gorgeous face and it breaks my heart all over again because that will never happen.

It's so hard Aiden.

I know you are here with us but it's just still so wrong that you can't be physically here with us. I really don't think I'll ever stop asking myself why.

And people.....well....people are just funny. Or crazy. Or crazy stupid idiots.

I am always shocked at how many people think that I'm "healed/cured/ok now/not the girl to be avoided anymore" now that your brother is here.

I will never forget you Aiden. You will always be remembered. I can't replace one child with another and I have no idea how people expect me to.  I love you both equally and I will love you both forever.

I guess I say all this to say that I miss you and I love you and nothing will ever change that. I will always wish you were here. I will always make sure Mason knows what an amazing big brother he has. With every drop of love in my heart and soul I will always be the best mom I can to you in Heaven and Mason (and any other brothers or sisters you may have later on) here on Earth.

Thank you so much for always being close to us. I see the way Mason stares at the light coming in from the windows and I know you are talking to him- I know he can see and feel you too.

I pray you will always know the strength of my love for you. It will last forever and ever.

I love you Aiden, always.

Love,
Mama

Baby Jack.......Is Here!

Aiden, Nygel, and I wanted to share with you all that Baby Jack is HERE!!!!

Mason William

He was born Tuesday, December 6, 2011 at 12:57 pm and weighed 5 pounds 7 ounces. I have to tell you that this little man has already stolen my heart! We are all doing really well- just getting used to our new routine {HA if you can call it that!} Mommy and Daddy are exhausted but we are loving every minute of it!

I'll do my best to get back to posting soon!!!!