July 1st

Wow I can't believe it's July already. Time is a crazy thing......it somehow manages to move quickly and stand still all at once.

This week has been a rough. Lots of stress, lots of worry, lots of anger, lots of times I've asked myself "Why?" to so many things.

Today on July 1st I'm reminded that tomorrow....July 2nd....will be 8 months without Aiden. 8 months since I've held him. 8 months since my life changed forever. I miss my baby so much. I wish he was here.

I have promised myself to stress less and that's my goal for now.....baby steps to less stress. Trusting in God's grace and letting go of trying to understand or handle these things myself.

My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. 

~2 Corinthians 12:9

Why is My Heart Broken?

Via

Last night I had dinner with Mary and on my way into the restaurant I saw a very pregnant woman.  Now of course we all see pregnant women all the time- that's nothing unusual. Rough but not unusual.  But this particular pregnant lady made me do a double take.  Why did I look back you may be asking yourselves? You'll never believe it (or unfortunately maybe you will).......

She was smoking a cigarette.

Are you kidding me?????  Really????  You horrible person.....you have been blessed with this precious life and you put them at risk by smoking a cigarette????? 

It took everything in me not to scream at her.

I try so hard not to question God.  I know he has laid everything out the way it is supposed to be and I have to accept that.  And I do.  But when I see people who take such poor care of themselves and have no regard for the precious unborn life they are carrying I break a little more inside.  I'm not angry at God.  I just don't understand why......I know it's not for me to understand but it still tears me up inside.  If God would trust me with a little life again I would do every thing in my power to keep that baby safe- the same way I did with Aiden.  Why does he trust that lady and not me?  Why do I have a broken heart and when am I going to be okay again?

Again I find myself so super broken......and wondering why me, why us, why Aiden.........

So Super Broken.....

Nygel and I often put "super" in front of our phrases to make each other aware of the importance of the statement.  For instance "I'm super hungry right now!" I never used to use the word super very much but I have picked it up from the hubs.  And it describes so well how I feel right now- so super broken......

Yesterday we received in the mail the CD of Aiden's Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep pictures.....sigh.  Just when I think I'm doing ok something brings me to my knees.  I miss my baby boy so much.  All I could think was this is it...these are all the pictures we'll ever have of him.  My precious little boy and all I have is this CD of pictures.  It makes me cry even as I type this...WHY??????  Why my son, why us, why couldn't we just have him??????  I hate this- I hate it when I feel like I'm going backwards.  But will there ever be a time when thoughts of Aiden won't take my breath away...not sure but I have a feeling the answer is no.  I miss my son.

I spent a little time in his room last night.  I smelled his clothes...I love smelling his clothes.  I had washed everything in preparation for his arrival so everything smells like a baby.  It's the way I imagined he would smell.  Soft and sweet...a perfect little baby.  I looked through his memory box from the hospital.  I never noticed before but there at the bottom of the box was a small hospital band.  It had my name and and "M" next to it for male.  There was also a time...20:16.  8:16 pm.  That's when Aiden came silently into this world.  I cried so much that day I didn't think I had anything left.  But at 8:16 pm when I saw his beautiful body, his head covered with hair that was exactly like my hair, his perfect face....I lost it.  I cried like I have never cried before.....WHY??????  Why couldn't he cry, why couldn't we be celebrating, why could I not take him home?????

Can't stop the tears now.....so super broken.  I miss my son.

Thank you Fran for this picture:

I keep repeating this quote to myself this morning....I needed this.  I can't stop weeping...I miss my son.