Our Second Rainbow

Two weeks ago our lives were blessed again as we welcomed our third son into the world- Caden Alexander.

He arrived healthy, screaming, and beautiful. Caden is wonderful- a sweet little soul who made our hearts grow even bigger than ever. Even more wonderful? He looks just like his two older brothers. Makes my heart smile- my boys ♥

It's amazing to have two children in my arms. Of course two children in my arms doesn't change the longing for my first son who will be forever missed and remembered. My sweet Aiden.....he's always in my heart, mind, and soul. I am so grateful to him for helping get his second baby brother here safely. Wishing so much that I could have him here with me as well.

I love you Aiden.....always and forever my sweet boy ♥

Mama

Haven of Hope Retreat

Every year I post about an amazing retreat held here in Texas for mothers who have experienced the loss of a child. You can see my post about the first retreat here and my post from last year here.

The third annual retreat is coming up and I hope that if you are in the area (or even if you are not) you'll consider attending. The retreat has been such a blessing to my heart and I have so many dear friends who I met there. This year it is being help March 8th-10th in Round Top, Texas. You can register from now until March 1st.  Here is the retreat flyer:

For more information on the retreat you can visit the Haven of Hope website. Susan, Marsha, and Daisy started Haven of Hope with so much love and it shows in everything they do for us mamas. If you are planning on coming to the retreat definitely let me know!

I'll leave you with their words regarding the retreat:

Haven of Hope is a non-profit ministry dedicated to walking alongside other mothers that have also suffered the loss of a child, pointing them to our HOPE in Jesus Christ.

“Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, The Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, Who comforteth us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort them which are in any trouble, by the comfort wherewith we ourselves are comforted of God.”

-II Corinthians 1:3-4

You are not alone.

Hello Autumn!!!

This time of year is so rough. Aiden's birthday is right around the corner and the winter holidays were painfully tough last year- especially Thanksgiving {Aiden's Due Date}.

Because so many people could use a lift right now I've decided to team up with some of my lovely friends and bring a special sweet project to you all! As I think about all the amazing ladies I've met through blogging I knew this idea was such a perfect way to bring a little hope into everyone's life. A way to brighten your day and welcome in the Autumn months with some joy.

Hello Autumn!!!!

Hello Autumn is a special Fall gift exchange open to all bloggers. Interested? Good!!!! Here are the rules:

Sign up at either:

Caring for Carleigh

My Angel Baby...Aiden William

Small Bird Studios

Viva la Vida

Please sign up at just one blog. Once you sign up your entry will show up on all four blogs.

The gift limit is $15 and should be used to purchase a Fall theme gift like ornaments, scarves, fall baking kits, etc. We ask that you share with your partner why you chose that gift... "a baking kit to add a little sweetness and warmth to your Autumn", or something similar.

Partners will be picked and posted by October 29th. {That's right people! Only 2 weeks to sign up so what are you waiting for?!?!?} It is up to the partners to get in contact with each other and exchange mailing addresses. All items MUST be shipped by November 7th.

There will be a follow up post where you can link up with your partner and show off your fabulous piece of hope. This post will be done on November 21st.

When linking up type your name and your blog name (Name@ Blog Name).

Please, please, please make sure that you that you only sign up if you truly intend to participate and send a gift!!! We don't want anyone to be disappointed or left out during this exchange.

That's it! Easy right? If you know anyone else that might be interested in participating please send them on over! We would love to have you be a part of our Hello Autumn Gift Exchange and share some love with a fellow blogger. Please feel to post any questions here or on one of the other hosting blogs!

And don't forget to grab the Hello Autumn Gift Exchange button for your blog if you're participating! Here ya go:

   <a border="0" href="http://aidensmom112.blogspot.com/2011/10/hello-autumn.html" target="_blank"><img src="http://i776.photobucket.com/albums/yy44/smallbirdstudio/helloautumn.png" /></a>

Isn't that owl just the cutest?!?! Thanks Fran for the awesome button!!!

Wishing you all a peaceful weekend.......maybe with a little hope sprinkled in as well........

Small Miracles

This week I'm joining in with my friend Fran's Small Miracles Blog Hop which you can read all about here. The purpose of this Blog Hop is to celebrate Hope and share things that keep you going through this grief journey.

:::

Lately there are so many things that give me hope.....and that's pretty amazing.

Don't get me wrong- I still have my days where I miss Aiden so much that I could just lay on the floor of my closet the.whole.day.

But there have been more days of being ok.

I think some of my non-BLM friends have a hard time accepting the response "I'm ok" when they ask how I'm doing. I think they are *hoping* I will say "Oh I'm doing good!" instead. But me being able to say "I'm ok" is a pretty huge deal. I mean for a long time I never thought I (or anything else) would ever be "ok" again. Being ok gives me hope.

:::

"For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them."

~Psalm 139:13-16

My sons give me hope. Aiden and Baby Jack (short for Baby Jackson). They are my inspiration and often what keep me going each day. I am always so grateful when I realize how much God has blessed me with my boys. Their little signs and reassurances help me to be "ok" a lot more often. I love you Aiden and Baby Jack.

:::

Nygel gives me hope. I can't say enough what an amazing husband I have. I think I really might have crumbled and disappeared into nothing in the last 10.5 months had it not been for the man that God placed by my side. He makes me laugh when I don't want to. He talks about Aiden with a smile in his eyes {love that} and remembers every.single.moment that he was here with us. He never makes me feel like there is anything wrong with me for bursting into tears in the doctor's office- yes this still happens. His strength gives me hope and I am so glad that I have him to lean on through all the trials life sends us.

:::

Via

Rainbows give me hope. I have been so fortunate in the last few months.weeks.days to learn about so many beautiful rainbow babies. And I had the chance to share with you all my little rainbow. They are definitely all small miracles! I am keeping all these mamas and their little ones in my prayers.

:::

What gives you hope today? Link up with the Small Miracles Blog Hop and share your hope!

And don't forget to share your Happy List in the Happy List Saturdays Blog Hop which can be found here! It will be open until Monday so it's not too late to share what's been making you happy lately!

Happy Wednesday everyone!

Hope......Illuminate Week 4

I haven't posted in a while and I have so much on my mind right now it's hard to put together many understandable thoughts......I'm sure you all get that.

So instead I thought I would share my last post from my Illuminate class. I can't say enough great things about this class and our instructor Beryl. Such a great group of ladies I was able to spend several weeks with- I feel so honored to know them and their children. And the class was a great opportunity to work on my photography skills and get out some of the jumbled thoughts that fill my mind. If you haven't heard of Illuminate you should definitely check it out!

This was posted on August 8, 2011. The photo collage at the end is one I put together myself with some pics from around the house (love that!).....

:::

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This week's assignment was to imagine myself a year from today. That's kind of a tough one. One thing I've learned in the last 9 months is that I could never come close to dreaming up what my life might be like one day, week, month, or year from now. But I can share what I plan to do with myself over that time.

In a day life can change so much. I can't tell you for sure how I'll feel from day-to-day. What I can tell you is that I plan to live each day like it's all I have. I know that life is fleeting......it can be taken away at any time. I know that one day I will get to see my little Aiden again. Until that day I have to keep living my life the way my soon would want me to. One foot in front of the other......one day at a time.

One week from now I know that all the good I do to build myself up today can be gone in an instant. I know that I can freak myself out or work myself into such an anxious frenzy that all the hard work I've put in to calm myself down over the week will disappear in 2.5 seconds. But during the next week I'll work to pick myself up again. I'll keep going, keep living, keep trying. Because that's what my son would want me to do.

One month from now I'll be 10 months without my son. That is an incredibly painful thought. Months mean a lot to me now. Each month on the 2nd I am even further away from my son. Further away from the day I got to meet him......and the day I said goodbye until the next life. I count down the months until he's been gone a year. It's coming way too soon for me. Next month will be tough. It will be so close to Aiden's birthday. I pray that God and my son will continue to be with me and give me strength to get through each month. So far they have done a good job because I'm still making it.

One year from now I don't know where this life will take me. I don't know what my emotional state will be, I don't know what our family will look like, I don't know how anything will play out. But I do know what I plan to do from now until then.

Hope.

Angel of Hope sent to me by my lovely friend Tiffany

I will continue to trust and hope in God. I will have hope through everything we go through. I will continue to have hope in the shadow of darkness.

Here is one of my favorite bible verses:

"But those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint." 

~Isaiah 40:31

This is my prayer for myself and for all the other baby loss moms who are near and dear to my heart........

Happy Easter Baby Boy

Dear Aiden,

Hello my love.....I am missing you so very much today!  Daddy and I decided to spend most of last night and today posting pictures of other angels names spelled out with your Blocks of Love.  Although I am saddened by just how many names there are to write (because I know there are that many sad mommies and daddies out there) it makes me happy to be able to do something for their families in your name.  So I have about 4 more pictures to post but then everyone on the Wait List will have their pictures!!!  Yay!! Thank you for being my inspiration every day!

Today is kind of a rough one for me.  Last Easter you were snug and warm inside me just waiting on us to figure out you were there.  And we did- about this time on Easter Sunday evening.  I was so shocked and your Daddy was too......you surprised us little man!  I can't believe you sat that quiet and still for 7 weeks without us knowing :)  I have know from that moment that you would have a calm and peaceful personality......and I loved that about you.

Oh Aiden......I miss you so much.  There was so much I wanted to be doing with my almost 6 month old son right now.  I dreamed of pictures, and clothes, and snuggling.  I long for hugs, and baths, and meal time.  I miss you being my partner in crime, my reminder, my constant companion.

This Easter is so different from last Easter.  But one thing is the same.  I feel hope, peace, and love :)  Love for you and God and your Daddy.  Peace in knowing that you are sitting in the lap of Jesus and you are safe and sound.  Hope in the promise that I will see you again one day.

I know that there is so much that God has in store for your Daddy and I.  He has used your perfect little life to push me on to the important things I need to do before I see you again. And for that my baby I am thankful.

And although I miss you like crazy every.single.day......I know you are happy, I know you are safe, I know you know that you are loved.  What more could I ask for than knowing my little man is just fine.

I made you an Easter basket last night- yay!  It's actually a little red bucket....I love it!  I decorated the outside with your name and Transformers stickers.  Both Daddy and I love Transformers- we actually watched the cartoon when we were little kids!  Your bucket is full of all kinds of goodies :)  A talking Percy train from Thomas the Train, Sponge Bob Square Pants Bubbles (your dad picked that one!), 3 cute Easter eggs with your name on them, a cute red pin wheel, your very first Easter card, and a little red and blue garden rake because I know you would have been in the garden with your Granny all the time!

She's so good at gardening and she and your Daddy are the reason your little garden looks so good!  Mommy's not the greatest at plants but I have been doing and EXCELLENT job of keeping your garden up by following strict instructions from Granny.  And it really is a beautiful garden.  Did you see the angel I put next to your special flowers?  It reminds me of you taking a little rest in the garden :)

Any way back to your Easter basket/bucket!  I think it turned out really well and Daddy liked it too.  Here are some pictures:

Mommy wrote your name next to Bumble Bee and Optimus Prime :)

Your red pinwheel- love this!!

Your Easter eggs, Sponge Bob bubbles, Percy Train, and red rake

Your First Easter Card- the ears move!!!

Your little Cami is doing well.  I took a picture of her this afternoon:

Yep that's a red ball in her mouth and yes she is trying to climb on Mommy's legs!!! She's so crazy!  I know you would have lots of fun with her!

So my love......I have to finish up the name pictures for all the angel mommies and daddies and then get ready for bed.  You enjoy the last little bit of Easter and tell everyone in Heaven I said hi!  I know you and all the other angel babies had a great day today.  Daddy and I miss you and love you more than anything.  You come visit us in our dreams soon!

I love you my little miracle angel baby......forever and ever you will be my Aiden William.....

Love,
Mommy

Small Miracles Blog Hop #3

It's April 19th and time again for Franchesca's Small Miracles blog hop.  If you haven't participated in this blog hop before please take a moment to read about it here.  This is a time for us to celebrate the things that give us hope while on this heartbreaking journey.  This month I want to start with a bible verse that stuck with me after the Haven of Hope retreat......

But those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles;

they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.

~Isaiah 40:31

I love this verse....it gives me so much hope and makes me believe that my hope will bring me closer to God's plan for my life.  I love the thought of soaring on wings like eagles.....what an amazing thought. No matter what we are going through, no matter how hard, we will be able to keep going as long as we hope in the Lord.

Via

Hope is that thing with feathers that perches in the soul
and sings the tune without the words and never stops... at all.
~Emily Dickinson

I love this quote! It gives me such a great image of hope resting in my heart and soul and pushing me forward each day. A sweet little bird singing a melody that helps me put one foot in front of the other. Lovelove love the thought of that.

Another verse that gives me hope is this one:

I will turn their mourning into gladness; 

I will give them comfort and joy instead of sorrow.

~Jeremiah 31:13

He will give us comfort and joy in the midst of all our sorrow.  He will bring us out of the darkness and into the delight.....all we have to do is have faith.

Finally the thing that gives me the most hope is my husband.....yep my Nygel :)  Nygel is my everything and somehow through the loss of our son, our Aiden, we've grown together again. We were already best friends and now our love is even deeper and stronger.  I love him....and I love the hope that we have for our future! Thank you Nygel for being my hope :)

Please join in with the bog hop and share what brings you hope.  Sending lots of love and peace.......

Blocks of Love

So this morning has been bittersweet for me.  I'm so very excited that I am starting up the first of our Aiden's Hope projects and sad at the same time because I'm missing my baby boy. Sometimes I really do sit back and say is this my life?  But I want to share with you all one of the many things I've been working on these last few weeks.

Blocks of Love is the first project I'm rolling out under the Aiden's Hope umbrella.  Aiden's Hope is the organization Nygel and I have created to honor our son.  We hope to provide support to families grieving the loss of their children.  Please stay tuned to this blog for updates on Aiden's Hope- the website will be up and running soon.  You can read the Blocks of Love story here and sign up to have a picture of your little angel's name taken with our love blocks.  Please grab our button and share with anyone you know who might like to have a picture of their little one's name.

I could definitely use your prayers for this project as well as the Aiden's Hope project. Everything is still a work in progress so bear with me as I work on this.  More good things to come!

Small Miracles Blog Hop #2

"The road that is built in hope is more pleasant to the traveler

than the road built in despair,
even though they both lead to the same destination. "
~Marian Zimmer Bradley

It's time for this month's Small Miracles blog hop. I so need to have hope right now which makes this blog hop perfect for today.  The quote above is so true and relevant to where I am right now in my life.  No matter what, my path in life is going to lead to the same end.  I can either have hope and travel a little more pleasantly or give up hope and be miserable the rest of my life.  I know that I want to choose hope.  I need hope.  I got my small miracle (hope) this week while I was working :)

Earlier this week I was talking to one of our doctors (Dr. M) about a patient and when we were done she said this to me, "When I talked to Dr. X earlier and he told me you were working on this patient I thought to myself, my Natasha!" Now Dr. M is a sweetheart.....and a great doctor. Every year I do a clinic at her church and give lots of flu shots to raise money for her mission trip. (I'm pretty good at giving shots but I hate getting them!!!) She came to Aiden's memorial with tears in her eyes.  I love her.

At this point in the day we were both at work very late and it had been a long day.  She proceeded to tell me that she had been praying for me and our family.  That I had a very special angel looking out for me every day now.  That she told her priest about Aiden and he was praying for us too.  She also told me that she had been through something very difficult in her life as well recently. And then she said this, "God has given you this cross to bear for a reason.....it will make you an even stronger and more beautiful person than you already are."

I needed to hear that.  At that moment I needed something to push me forward to hope.  And there it was....on the phone....2 hours after I should have been gone from work....in the middle of so much work stuff....a little hope.  Hope that even though I have this awful burden to bear, life can still be an enjoyable thing....that I can still live.

Finally she told me that I have never been alone in all of this....everyone that cares about me has been right here with me grieving too and praying for me.  Thank you Dr. M for giving me some hope this week......

"Hope is that thing with feathers that perches in the soul 

and sings the tune without the words and never stops... at all."

~Emily Dickinson

The Meaning of Dragonflies

Photo Credit

When Franchescha was designing my new blog page we picked this lovely scrapbook set.  I didn't notice the set contained a dragonfly until Fran put together my blog header and there it was!  I loved it so much and it just struck a chord with me.  I wasn't sure why at the time but I loved this little dragonfly.  It reminded me of Aiden....beautiful, small, flying free.  So the dragonfly got added to all the sidebar titles as well.  I wanted to see more of it on the blog :) And of course Fran made it look perfect!

Yesterday I was doing a search for dragonfly symbolism and I found this story.  Some of you may have seen/heard it before but yesterday was my first time.

The Dragonfly Story

Down below the surface of a quiet pond lived a little colony of water bugs. They were a happy colony, living far away from the sun. For many months they were very busy, scurrying over the soft mud on the bottom of the pond. They did notice that every once in awhile one of their colony seemed to lose interest in going about. Clinging to the stem of a pond lily it gradually moved out of sight and was seen no more.

"Look!" said one of the water bugs to another. "One of our colony is climbing up the lily stalk. Where do you think she is going?" Up, up, up it slowly went....Even as they watched, the water bug disappeared from sight. Its friends waited and waited but it didn't return...

"That's funny!" said one water bug to another. "Wasn't she happy here?" asked a second... "Where do you suppose she went?" wondered a third.

No one had an answer. They were greatly puzzled. Finally one of the water bugs, a leader in the colony, gathered its friends together. "I have an idea". "The next one of us who climbs up the lily stalk must promise to come back and tell us where he or she went and why."

"We promise", they said solemnly.

One spring day, not long after, the very water bug who had suggested the plan found himself climbing up the lily stalk. Up, up, up, he went. Before he knew what was happening, he had broke through the surface of the water and fallen onto the broad, green lily pad above.

When he awoke, he looked about with surprise. He couldn't believe what he saw. A startling change had come to his old body. His movement revealed four silver wings and a long tail. Even as he struggled, he felt an impulse to move his wings...The warmth of the sun soon dried the moisture from the new body. He moved his wings again and suddenly found himself up above the water. He had become a dragonfly!!

Swooping and dipping in great curves, he flew through the air. He felt exhilarated in the new atmosphere. By and by the new dragonfly lighted happily on a lily pad to rest. Then it was that he chanced to look below to the bottom of the pond. Why, he was right above his old friends, the water bugs! There they were scurrying around, just as he had been doing some time before.

The dragonfly remembered the promise: "the next one of us who climbs up the lily stalk will come back and tell where he or she went and why." Without thinking, the dragonfly darted down. Suddenly he hit the surface of the water and bounced away. Now that he was a dragonfly, he could no longer go into the water...

"I can't return!" he said in dismay. "At least, I tried. But I can't keep my promise. Even if I could go back, not one of the water bugs would know me in my new body. I guess I'll just have to wait until they become dragonflies too. Then they'll understand what has happened to me, and where I went."

And the dragonfly winged off happily into its wonderful new world of sun and air.......

Thank you God, for the story of the water bugs and the dragonflies.

Please remember________who left the pond we live in...and remember me...

STICKNEY, D. (1997). Water Bugs and Dragonflies. Explaining Death To Young Children. 
The Pilgrim Press.

Wow. After I read this story my heart started beating faster and I paused for a moment.  What an amazing story......what a perfect way to describe what happens when a loved one passes away. This story is meant to explain death to a child but I think it's a great adult story as well. Excitedly I gave the computer to Nygel and told him he had to read it.  He smiled when he finished and said that it was such a good story. Dragonflies....Aiden.....Wow.....

I did some more searching and found the following words that the dragonfly symbolizes:

Prosperity

Good Luck

Strength

Peace

Harmony

Purity

These words speak to me because the dragonfly represents so much. My son- peace, purity. My journey to a normal life without him- strength, harmony.  I pray that this also symbolizes prosperity and good luck for us as we continue this journey to expand our family.

I love that the dragonfly has found me....I really believe Aiden sent this to me to help me in my grieving process. I have done more research on dragonflies and I'll discuss them and their symbolism more in another post.....

Photo Credit

Thank you Aiden for always being in my life even though you are not here with me on earth. I pray that you are enjoying your wings and that you have fun every day in the sun and air.  I know that when the sun comes out and the breeze blows in my face that it's you telling me you love me.  I love you too my little angel.  Forever and ever!

Love Mommy

Hope....

So the amazing Franchesca has come up with another fabulous idea for us baby loss mamas. The Small Miracles Blog Hop is her newest creation and I think it's just great! Every month on the 19th mamas from all over will blog about things that keep them going through this grief journey....things that give them hope. I am excited to join in with this super strong group of ladies and this inspirational blog hop. 

"Hope is faith holding out its hand in the dark." 

~George Iles

If you read my last post you know that I have struggled a lot this week with my grief. It can be so overwhelming sometimes and it seems to come out of no where just when you think you're doing ok. After my last post I can definitely use a little hope and I'd like to share some too. I thought I'd start with this quote:

"Hope is the feeling you have that the feeling you have isn't permanent." 

~Jean Kerr

Like Fran I also believe in signs. Over the last few weeks the weather here has been just crazy! But almost every weekend when we are at home it's been so nice outside! I've been able to open the windows and have a cool breeze come through. I've talked about this before on here but the warm sun and cool breeze always take my mind straight to Aiden. It's like he's sending me a sign that everything is going to be ok....he's giving me hope.

"Hope sees the invisible, feels the intangible and achieves the impossible."

~Anonymous

Here's a list of things that give me hope right now. As the months go on I truly hope my list will get longer :)

1. Knowing that I am a mother and I'll have the chance to be a mother again

2. Dancing with Aiden in my dreams

3. My husband- he always knows just what to say

4. Sunlight and Cool Breezes

5. The strength of other Baby Loss Mamas- so inspiring :)

"Hope is putting faith to work when doubting would be easier."

~Anonymous

♥ I hope you all have a peaceful day ♥