Happy Third Birthday ♥

Oh my sweet Aiden  ♥

Today marks three years since the day I met you and held you in my arms. It's unimaginable that three years has passed already. I remember that day with you so vividly and I will never forget. The day my sweet boy was born.

I don't know how many ways I can say what's in my heart. I think you know so well. I miss you, I love you. I wish you were here. I would give anything to have another moment with you. To see you playing with your little brothers. To know what you would be like right now in this moment as a three year old little boy. To feel your kisses, and hugs......oh the sweet hugs. To hold your hand. To play with you at the park. To snuggle together on the couch and watch a Christmas movie together. I have missed out on so much. We have missed out on so much. It will never be fair. It will always hurt. I will forever want more than what I have. And know that I can never have what I really want.

Three years......three long years.....so very long.

Today we will celebrate your life. We will celebrate how much you mean to us and how much we love you. Everything about you is love to us. So today will be filled with love my dear. Stay close to us as we will need you just like we always do.

I miss you.

I love you.

Happy Birthday my sweet baby boy ♥

Love Mama

::::::

"I loved the boy with the utmost love of which my soul is capable; and he is taken from me—

yet in the agony of my spirit in surrendering such a treasure 

I feel a thousand times richer than if I had never possessed it.” 

- William Wordsworth

::::::

Dear Aiden

Dear Aiden,

Sweet boy today you have been in Heaven for 15 months. I miss you just as much today as I did the day I found out you would not be coming home with us. I wonder what you are doing today....I wish I could know. One day though my sweet boy, one day.

Last year on February 1st I began writing this blog as a way to work through the overwhelming pain and sadness I was experiencing after losing you. I can't believe I have been writing here for a year. I can't believe you have been gone that long. I am so grateful for this blog. It gave me a chance to write down my feelings about you and how much I miss you. I know that you know the words I write on this blog. I am so thankful that I have this special place to share you and your life and how much I love and miss you.

This blog also gave me a chance to meet some amazing moms who have babies living in Heaven too. I know that you are good friends with some of those sweet babies. I kinda think you had a hand in sending my BLM friends to me (many through this blog) because you knew I needed people to love and support me. And boy did you pick some great ones! Thank you so much ♥

So much is going on right now baby boy. Both good and bad. Happy and scary. And I know you know all of that. I hope you stay close to all of us as we go through all the things life has placed in our path. I know you were there when your little cousin was born yesterday afternoon. I'm sure you whispered something sweet that only he could hear. I know you are with Mason always.....for that I am so grateful. Your brother will always have you watching over him which means so much. I love that despite being so far away you are always so.very.close. I love you Aiden.

Today is your Granny's birthday. She went outside on the patio this morning and looked up at the sky and her first words were, "Today is Aiden's anniversary." The anniversary of the day we met you. And the day we said goodbye. It's unbelievable to think that was 15 months ago. I love that you were the first thought in her mind on her birthday. I hope you give her a sweet reminder today that you are close to her. I know it would make her birthday extra special.

I had the chance to talk about you this week. And I cried. Of course I did- you know mom is a crier. But I love that I can talk about you. My tears are because you are so loved and missed. Although it hurts to talk about you not being here it means so much to talk about your sweet precious life. You were here. And I love you. I'm so happy that I got to share that with someone new this week....someone who agreed that you were and are a totally special and amazing part of our family. It's aways crazy how a stranger can get that sometimes.

Please remember I love you baby boy......forever and always. I miss you like crazy and I can't wait for the day I get to see you again ♥

Love,
Mama

Happy 13 Months Aiden

Via

If I had a single flower for every time I think about you, I could walk forever in my garden. 

~Claudia Ghandi

Dear Aiden,

As I sit here this morning I can't help but think about what you would be doing if you were here with me. I picture what your face at 13 months would look like. I wonder how long your gorgeous hair would be right now. I like to think you'd be showering me with some fabulous smiles! I wish I was holding my 13 month old son this morning {and every morning}.

I miss you baby boy......so much......always.

Mama has been struggling a lot with so many things lately. So much is on my mind. So much worry and anxiety. So much longing to hold you again. I have felt you so close to me and I know it's because you know I need you. And I love you for that. For always showing your self in the most special ways when I need you the most. I hope you always feel the strength of my love for you.

Have you noticed all the decorating Daddy and I have been doing for Christmas? I think I may have a new idea of something to do for you every day- lol! As long as I'm here no one will ever forget that you are my son. That you are so very loved. And you'll be a special part of our holidays forever.

I hope today that you play, laugh, get lots of tickles, and always always know how much Daddy and I love you.

Happy 13 months Aiden! Sending all my love my sweet boy ♥♥♥

Love,
Mama

Dear Aiden......

Dear Aiden,

This morning I was driving in to work at 6 am for an early meeting and listening to some music on the radio. It was so dark because of the time change {plus mommy does NOT go to work at 6 am on a regular basis} so it was kinda weird driving in today.

My mind went to you {as it does so very often} and I was taken back to your birthday last year. I remembered how much I wanted to see your face. To finally meet the little person who had been growing inside me for 9 months. And I remember that morning....how in an instant all my hopes and dreams were crushed. You were gone.

And yet I still imagined your face.......

Would you have my eyes or nose? Your daddy's ears or lips?

What would my precious boy look like?

This morning as I drove I remembered the instant I laid eyes on you for the first time. How beautiful and perfect you were. How absolutely amazing it was to see you finally after waiting so long. That gorgeous face- so perfect and so like your daddy's. It brought tears to my eyes then as it did this morning.

Today was just one of those hard days. One of those days where I wish I could rewind time and do something {anything} differently and save you. One of those days where I want to just crawl back in the bed and pretend that you're here with us- that things are different.

I wish I could see you again, hold you again, kiss you again. I wish I could have your here with me now.

I miss you so much baby boy. Some days it still seems so unreal that we are living this life without you. That your first birthday in Heaven was just 13 days ago. How has it already been 2 weeks? Your due date is coming up in 2 more weeks. And that will be another tough day. So will Christmas. It will be our second Christmas without you. Sigh.......

I'm always reminded of what a precious gift you were to us. Our baby boy, our beautiful angel. You still bring so much love and hope to our lives every day. We love you more than words can ever fully express. I'm so happy to be your mama.

I miss you, I love you......

Love Always,

Mommy

Happy Birthday My Sweet Aiden

Thanks Fran for making this quote into a word art- I love it so much ♥  

Dear Aiden,

Happy birthday baby boy! I know you are having an amazing birthday party up there in Heaven with all your special angel friends. I wish I could be there but Mommy and Daddy will be sending you some party balloons later today with lots of special love notes ♥

I cannot believe it was exactly a year ago that we got to meet you for the first time......and the same day we gave you back to God. It was a hard day for Mommy and Daddy but you.....you were amazing. You took my breath away. The most perfect baby I have ever seen......and you are mine ♥ Some days I look at your pictures and I'm still in awe of how amazingly beautiful you are.

I miss you so much today {and every day}. There are so many things I wish we were doing together. I long to hold you, smell you, kiss you. I want you to smash a birthday cake, play with your wrapping paper and boxes instead of your gifts, and take 5 zillion pictures with all the family. I wish I was giving you your birthday party today. But even though I can't be there please know you are so celebrated today by so many people who love you.

I hope you know how much your dad and I love you always. We would give anything to be with you. I know one day we will be together again and every day we're here on Earth is a day we're closer to that day......the day when we get to see your beautiful face again.

So happy birthday sweetie- we love you and we miss you!

And just so you know we're singing it down here:

Happy Birthday to you,

Happy Birthday to you,

Happy Birthday dear Aiden,

Happy Birthday to you!!!

I love you baby boy......forever and always you will be my precious angel.

Love,

Mommy

:::

The Broken Chain

We little knew the day that
God was going to call your name,

In life we loved you dearly,

in death we do the same.

It broke our hearts to lose you,

but in God we put our trust,

In times as difficult as this,

faith is such a must.

You left us peaceful memories,

your love is still our guide,

And though we cannot see you,

you are always at our side.

Our family chain is broken,

and nothing seems the same,

But as God calls us one by one,

the chain will link again.

~Ron Tranmer

Aiden.....9 Months

To honor Aiden's 9 months in Heaven, Nygel and I (and Cami of course) released some balloons for him along with my mom, sister, and niece. We all wrote him special notes- they wrote theirs on the balloons and I wrote a special card to my baby boy. Cami held on to the balloon ribbons until we got ready to let the balloons go.

Here are some pics from that day:

The balloons floated FOREVER- they didn't disappear for about 15 minutes! So wonderful to watch them make their way up to my little man.

I love you Aiden........forever and always!

Love, Mommy

9 Months......

Dear Aiden,

Hey baby boy........I hope that you are having a good day in Heaven. I know you are hanging out with family and all your angel baby friends and that makes me smile.

For some reason this post is hard for me to write today. I usually have no problem writing you letters.

But today it's tough.

I think I know why. You were with us for 36 weeks and 5 days. I was happily moving into my 9th month of carrying you- totally and completely in love with my son. And then suddenly the baby I was counting down to seeing in 3 weeks was ripped from me. Gone.....forever.

Now 9 months later in just a short time you will have been gone longer than you were with us..........

Everything about that is just so wrong.

I miss you. I miss you every day. I think about you every.single.day.

I struggle with a lot of things- life is just so rough some days.

But what I want you to know is that even on my hardest day thoughts of you still warm my heart. You will always be my perfect little baby. An angel. Loved by so many. But especially loved by me.

Even when you see mama struggling, crying, angry, or sad please know it is only because I miss you. I wish I could do more for you today. More than just write a letter. I wish I could put you in a cute outfit with a big 9 month sticker on it. I long to take tons of pictures and send them to everyone to see your cute face. I wish we could have a special "Aiden's 9 months old!" birthday dinner with just me, you, and daddy. So much I want to do for you.

While I can't do any of those things I can love you. It may be from far away but I believe my love is strong enough to reach you. I believe that you know how much I love you.

I love you baby boy. Forever and always.

Please know that you are forever loved. Forever missed. Forever remembered.

I love you Aiden!

Love,
Mommy

I Miss Him

I know that I've probably said it many many times before.........but......

I miss him.

So very very much.........sigh

I pulled out his pictures yesterday morning to look at them. Sometimes I cannot get over how much he looks like Nygel. His little mini me. He is just so beautiful in all his pictures.........

One day I may get the strength to share more than just his hands and feet on this blog. One day I may be able to show you that gorgeous face, the head full of beautiful soft curly hair, and the round little tummy that you could see so well- even with his onesie on........just beautiful. One day I hope I can share him more but I'm just not ready yet........

I miss Aiden every.single.day.

I know that I don't cry as much as I used to and I know that I am able to keep it together for longer periods of time.....BUT.....when the tears do come, boy do they come.

They definitely came yesterday as I looked at the beautiful pictures taken by our NILMDTS photographer. As I looked at my amazingly handsome son. As I imagined what he would look like today and what his pictures might turn out like now.

I miss him.........I miss him so much.........

Happy Easter Baby Boy

Dear Aiden,

Hello my love.....I am missing you so very much today!  Daddy and I decided to spend most of last night and today posting pictures of other angels names spelled out with your Blocks of Love.  Although I am saddened by just how many names there are to write (because I know there are that many sad mommies and daddies out there) it makes me happy to be able to do something for their families in your name.  So I have about 4 more pictures to post but then everyone on the Wait List will have their pictures!!!  Yay!! Thank you for being my inspiration every day!

Today is kind of a rough one for me.  Last Easter you were snug and warm inside me just waiting on us to figure out you were there.  And we did- about this time on Easter Sunday evening.  I was so shocked and your Daddy was too......you surprised us little man!  I can't believe you sat that quiet and still for 7 weeks without us knowing :)  I have know from that moment that you would have a calm and peaceful personality......and I loved that about you.

Oh Aiden......I miss you so much.  There was so much I wanted to be doing with my almost 6 month old son right now.  I dreamed of pictures, and clothes, and snuggling.  I long for hugs, and baths, and meal time.  I miss you being my partner in crime, my reminder, my constant companion.

This Easter is so different from last Easter.  But one thing is the same.  I feel hope, peace, and love :)  Love for you and God and your Daddy.  Peace in knowing that you are sitting in the lap of Jesus and you are safe and sound.  Hope in the promise that I will see you again one day.

I know that there is so much that God has in store for your Daddy and I.  He has used your perfect little life to push me on to the important things I need to do before I see you again. And for that my baby I am thankful.

And although I miss you like crazy every.single.day......I know you are happy, I know you are safe, I know you know that you are loved.  What more could I ask for than knowing my little man is just fine.

I made you an Easter basket last night- yay!  It's actually a little red bucket....I love it!  I decorated the outside with your name and Transformers stickers.  Both Daddy and I love Transformers- we actually watched the cartoon when we were little kids!  Your bucket is full of all kinds of goodies :)  A talking Percy train from Thomas the Train, Sponge Bob Square Pants Bubbles (your dad picked that one!), 3 cute Easter eggs with your name on them, a cute red pin wheel, your very first Easter card, and a little red and blue garden rake because I know you would have been in the garden with your Granny all the time!

She's so good at gardening and she and your Daddy are the reason your little garden looks so good!  Mommy's not the greatest at plants but I have been doing and EXCELLENT job of keeping your garden up by following strict instructions from Granny.  And it really is a beautiful garden.  Did you see the angel I put next to your special flowers?  It reminds me of you taking a little rest in the garden :)

Any way back to your Easter basket/bucket!  I think it turned out really well and Daddy liked it too.  Here are some pictures:

Mommy wrote your name next to Bumble Bee and Optimus Prime :)

Your red pinwheel- love this!!

Your Easter eggs, Sponge Bob bubbles, Percy Train, and red rake

Your First Easter Card- the ears move!!!

Your little Cami is doing well.  I took a picture of her this afternoon:

Yep that's a red ball in her mouth and yes she is trying to climb on Mommy's legs!!! She's so crazy!  I know you would have lots of fun with her!

So my love......I have to finish up the name pictures for all the angel mommies and daddies and then get ready for bed.  You enjoy the last little bit of Easter and tell everyone in Heaven I said hi!  I know you and all the other angel babies had a great day today.  Daddy and I miss you and love you more than anything.  You come visit us in our dreams soon!

I love you my little miracle angel baby......forever and ever you will be my Aiden William.....

Love,
Mommy

I Miss You

Dear Aiden,

Hello my love.....I miss you a lot this morning.  Daddy is sleeping and Cami is chewing on her frisbee and her toy box.  You really would have so much fun with her.  Your little puppy :) Carson and Chloe are sleeping too (Chloe is hiding from Cami- ha!)

So it's just mom this morning.  And I'm all alone with my thoughts of you.  Did I mention I miss you?  You are in my thoughts all the time....I know you know this.  I have so much to do today but I wanted to take this quiet moment with you.  Have fun playing on the beach today little man!

I love you my miracle angel baby....forever and ever.....

Love,

Mommy