The Morning.....

Via

Mornings are my time. 

I go to bed really early most nights and I've pretty much done that since I was a kid :) Old soul.....

Since I go to bed early I wake up early too. And I like it. The mornings are my time to watch whatever I want on tv, catch up on stuff online/e-mails, and a lot of days just pull out a good book to read. I love my mornings to myself. Nygel is asleep, the animals are quiet {for the most part}, no phones ringing, just me and my thoughts. I usually think about 5 million things- how I feel about stuff, conversations I've had in the last few days, things I need to do that week. Sometimes I shut my brain off and just enjoy a Lifetime movie.

It's my me time.

When I was pregnant with Aiden I was excited for so many things :) Feeding him, sticking my nose in his little baby fat rolls, kissing his soft feet, brushing his hair (because I just knew it would look like mine when I was a baby), seeing him with his daddy......so many things. One of the things I was most looking forward to was the time I knew we would share together in the mornings. The time when we were the only ones who were up and the rest of the house was still quiet. 

I was completely ready/thrilled/overjoyed to trade in my me time for my us time.

Nygel is a night person so I knew that in the mornings I would have time to myself with my little man. I pictured us snuggling, me reading to him, tons of sweet kisses, playing with his feet, and probably a lot of me just staring at his amazingness. Lots of mommy and Aiden time ♥

I hate that he's not here to share my mornings. I miss Aiden so much. September is a little more than a week from being over it's even more painfully real that I am that much closer to being a year without my son. That means 365 days of not having any morning time together. A whole year of not being able to share my mornings with my sweet little baby boy. I still can't believe some days that he is really gone.

This morning I'm so wishing I could have some Mommy and Aiden time.  Oh how I long to share my mornings with him........

Small Miracles

This week I'm joining in with my friend Fran's Small Miracles Blog Hop which you can read all about here. The purpose of this Blog Hop is to celebrate Hope and share things that keep you going through this grief journey.

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Lately there are so many things that give me hope.....and that's pretty amazing.

Don't get me wrong- I still have my days where I miss Aiden so much that I could just lay on the floor of my closet the.whole.day.

But there have been more days of being ok.

I think some of my non-BLM friends have a hard time accepting the response "I'm ok" when they ask how I'm doing. I think they are *hoping* I will say "Oh I'm doing good!" instead. But me being able to say "I'm ok" is a pretty huge deal. I mean for a long time I never thought I (or anything else) would ever be "ok" again. Being ok gives me hope.

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"For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them."

~Psalm 139:13-16

My sons give me hope. Aiden and Baby Jack (short for Baby Jackson). They are my inspiration and often what keep me going each day. I am always so grateful when I realize how much God has blessed me with my boys. Their little signs and reassurances help me to be "ok" a lot more often. I love you Aiden and Baby Jack.

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Nygel gives me hope. I can't say enough what an amazing husband I have. I think I really might have crumbled and disappeared into nothing in the last 10.5 months had it not been for the man that God placed by my side. He makes me laugh when I don't want to. He talks about Aiden with a smile in his eyes {love that} and remembers every.single.moment that he was here with us. He never makes me feel like there is anything wrong with me for bursting into tears in the doctor's office- yes this still happens. His strength gives me hope and I am so glad that I have him to lean on through all the trials life sends us.

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Via

Rainbows give me hope. I have been so fortunate in the last few months.weeks.days to learn about so many beautiful rainbow babies. And I had the chance to share with you all my little rainbow. They are definitely all small miracles! I am keeping all these mamas and their little ones in my prayers.

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What gives you hope today? Link up with the Small Miracles Blog Hop and share your hope!

And don't forget to share your Happy List in the Happy List Saturdays Blog Hop which can be found here! It will be open until Monday so it's not too late to share what's been making you happy lately!

Happy Wednesday everyone!

Thanks and An Update

Hey everyone! Hope you are having a happy Monday! It's rainy and dreary here in Houston but I'm loving it {and so is my grass!!} because it feels so nice outside and we SOOO needed the rain!!!

I just wanted to take a moment to say thank you so much for all you kind words about my surprise. It means so much coming from all of you. Being pregnant after a loss is a struggle and it helps to have people who care and understand in your corner. Every comment, message, text, and e-mail you sent this weekend really just meant the world to me so thank you!! I appreciate every loving word and heartfelt prayer :)

I did get a few questions and I'll try to answer as much as I can here. LJ made me realize that I didn't post how far along I am in the pregnancy {thanks lady!} so the answer to that is I'm 6 months pregnant. Yes- I've kept quiet for that long :) We do know we're having a little boy {yay!!} and I'm still keeping everyone in suspense about his name- so sorry! We're expecting to meet our little rainbow in December which can't come fast enough for me!! We do have an amazing medical team working with us to get this little one here safely and a great monitoring/delivery plan in place for the remainder of the pregnancy.

I hope this helps with some of the questions. I know I didn't get to them all but I do talk about everything in detail on my private blog. I plan to make it public at some point but it will probably be after the baby is born. I still need a space that I can use to talk about everything that only those who understand my situation and who have been there supporting me have access to view.

Again if you'd like to follow me on this pregnancy journey please send an e-mail here or you can leave your e-mail address in the comments and I'll send you an invite. I have to warn you that Blogger is really weird about private blogs so once I send the invitation it's only good for a certain amount of time and after you access the blog the first time the link won't work again. In order to be able to come back again to view the blog you have to follow the bog/join the site. If anyone has any better advice on how to follow private blogs with Blogger please feel free to leave a comment! It drives me crazy how difficult they make it!

Finally I want to tell you that I put the Linky back for the Happy List Saturdays blog hop! So sorry that I accidentally took it out when I updated my post on Saturday!!! Since I messed it up AND since it's been awhile since we did a Happy List I've decided to leave it open until next Monday (9/26/11) to give everyone time to join in and share their lists. I hope you all will take a moment to share what brings joy to your life despite everything we've been through. I would love to see YOUR list!!!

Sending much love to you all!!


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Happy List Saturday.....Birthday/Surprise Edition!

Yay! So excited for Happy List Saturdays this weekend! Can't wait to see what you all have on your lists for today! As you all know the Happy List today is a special treat for me because of my birthday. Thank you so much for sharing with me!

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So this Happy List is really special to me.....I've been debating and debating the contents of this list for a little while now. My friend Molly even e-mailed me this week to ask about my list {because she knows how I've been about this} and I laughed because I was still deciding what to do.

Anyway this week my list is short but oh.so.special......

I've been keeping a little {ok seriously huge} secret...........for a while now {oh say for 6 months}..........and I wanted to share with you all...........

Me, Baby J, and Cami

A close up shot of my HUGE bump! HA!

Words can't express how overjoyed I am to see our family grow again!

I'll post more soon but for now I just ask that you keep us in your prayers. For those of you who are my friends on Facebook- you will not see me discussing the pregnancy on there (for now- I hope you understand). I still have a lot of issues with Facebook. But feel free to e-mail or message me if you want to talk :) 

This blog will remain a special place for Aiden and I to share.  I have been keeping a private blog to document this pregnancy and I plan to keep it private for a little longer.  If you'd like to follow me on the private blog please shoot me an e-mail here and I'll be happy to send you an invite!

Thank you all so much for your love and support! It means the world to me ♥

****UPDATE**** I just realized I took out the Linky- sorry!!! It's back now so add your Happy Lists to the post!

Happy Birthday to Me!

Via

It's my birthday today.....and I'm feeling pretty good :) It's been kind of an emotional week but today feels just right. I woke up to a beautiful card from Nygel and Aiden as well as a huge Happy Birthday Balloon- love that! And so far I've been watching Lifetime movies, snuggling with Cami, and catching up on blogs and Pintrest- HA! Great birthday morning so far :)

I've got a busy weekend planned- dinner with Nygel, Dave and Busters with my family and a few close friends to celebrate my birthday, my niece's birthday (Monday), and my sister's birthday (Thursday), and then we get to see Paula Dean at the Metropolitan Cooking & Entertaining Show!! I'm so excited about this one! I get to see her cook plus check out tons of cool cooking and entertaining gadgets and tools! Can't wait! I'll post pics of my birthday weekend so you can see all that I've been up to with my peeps.

The only thing missing from this weekend is my little Aiden in his stroller along for the ride at all the family birthday events. I know he would have enjoyed the celebration. And the cake....as much as his daddy likes sweets I know my baby boy would have LOVED cake!

I remind myself that he is here with me- on my birthday and everyday. I know Aiden will show himself to me today and this weekend as he always does when I need him the most. Love that kid ♥♥♥

He is always in my heart.......

Via

Anyway I'm off to get ready for work but I want to remind you all that tomorrow is a Happy List Saturday!!! Please don't forget to come back and link up for my birthday weekend! The list will open up tonight and will stay open through the weekend. I look forward to reading about what has been making you guys happy lately. Also there may be some special birthday surprises as well so make sure to share your happy list and get in on the fun!!!

Have a great Friday everyone!

PS- Are you loving my Pinterest pic filled posts?!?! Clearly I love that Etsy shop with the cute cake toppers- HA!

For My Birthday....

Via

So my birthday is this Friday and I somehow keep forgetting that it's on Friday......crazy lady. I guess my birthday just doesn't seem super exciting this year. Kinda feeling like a little old lady :) My sister asked me yesterday what we were doing on Friday and I was like "What are you talking about?" She just looked at me like I had lost my mind- I told you.....crazy lady!

I think in honor of my birthday I'm going to do a Happy List on Saturday.  I know we haven't done them in FOREVER! But I think it's a good time to do it. Despite everything that has happened since my last birthday I am so incredibly blessed with family and friends who bring joy and peace to my life when I most need it. And I know my little Aiden would want me to celebrate another year of life.

So if you can join in with me for Happy List Saturdays this Saturday. I'd consider it an extra special birthday present to hear about things that bring happiness to your lives! I'm already working on my list and it will be full of lots of cute pics from my newest love- Pinterest! You can follow me here if you ♥ Pinterest too! Oh and I'll probably have lots of pics from my other new love- Instragram!!! I double ♥♥ Instagram. I feel like I'm totally neglecting my Nikon because this little app makes my iPhone the most awesome camera EVER!

I'll leave you with a pin I added to Pinterest almost 2 months ago which seems very fitting for my birthday this year........

Via

Happy Wednesday everyone!

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Aiden's Certificate of Life

I just have to say that I am so so very grateful for all the sweet BLM friends I have met along this journey. You all truly give me so much support at the times when I need it most. When I opened my e-mail yesterday my friend Fran completely surprised me with this amazing Certificate of Life for Aiden:

OMG I was in tears looking at it- it is so beautiful! She even added his cutie pie foot prints for me! What a great gift to receive to honor him and his 10 months in Heaven.

Aiden's Certificate of Life is on display on the Lost For Words card line website that Franchesca and Carly Marie have created. Yay! He's so special :) If you haven't checked out the website yet please stop over and take a look at their beautiful cards and Certificates of Life.

Thank you so much Fran! You are such a blessing to so many mamas!

xoxo

10 Months Without You

Dear Aiden,

It's been 10 months since you went to Heaven baby boy and I know you know mama was having a hard time yesterday. I miss you so much and I struggle sometimes with really accepting this new life I have without you.

So I thought I wouldn't be able to keep it together today since yesterday was so rough. I woke up early again (about 4:20 am today) and of course you were the first thought in my mind. But this morning there was a lot more peace in my heart. I tried to sneak away from Cami but she heard me moving around my room so off we went to the guest room to watch tv and play on the computer. I found a channel showing Problem Child 2 which mommy LOVED to watch when she was a kid :) So again I was given a break from all the stress I experienced yesterday.

It's been crazy hot here in Texas- every day has been over 100 and any time they tell us it's going to rain it seems like it lasts for only a few minutes. Cami doesn't even like to be outside very long- she does her business and is like "hey let me in!" So this morning when I went to let her out I was surprised by how good it felt outside. Nice and cool and breezy. Just a perfect morning. Cam loved it and did not want to come back in. I had to go out in my pajamas and chase her back in the house!

After a really easy drive into work (the traffic has been horrible every other day this week!!!) I parked and got out of my car to walk to the building.

And I swear it just hit me......this overwhelming peace.

It was so calm and beautiful outside. And my heart didn't feel as heavy. Peaceful.

I know you had a hand in my day today. I know you are with me always. I know that even though you are so much further away than I want you to be, you live on always in my heart.

Thank you for being such an amazing son. Thank you for making me a mom. Thank you for always being there just when I need you. I couldn't have asked for a more perfect child.

I love you, I miss you, I can't wait to see you again one day.

Love Always,
Mama

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

September

Today is September 1st and this morning my heart is heavy. I've been up since about 3:45 am and all I can think about is Aiden. I miss that little boy so very much......

Usually September is a pretty happy month for us. We have about 80 birthdays this month (ok maybe a slight exaggeration....but not by much) between family and friends so I usually go broke but I love surprising people on their special day. Also September is my birthday month so I always have something special to look forward to myself.

Last September on my birthday I was exactly 30 weeks pregnant with Aiden. This year on my birthday he will have been gone for exactly 10 months and 2 weeks.

A year really changes things.

Last year on my birthday I had no idea that in less than 2 months my life as I knew it would be over. I had no idea the horrible crashing down that was about to occur in our world. I was just so very happy to be pregnant with my little man.

Tomorrow will be September 2nd. This is one day in September that really didn't have any special meaning associated with it before this year. No birthdays of family or friends, no anniversaries.......just September 2nd.

This year September 2nd means Aiden has been gone for 10 months.

10 months of missing him. 10 months of crying more tears than I thought I ever had in me. 10 months of longing for something I will never have. 10 months of trying to adjust to my new life. 10 months with a broken heart. 10 months of missing a piece of myself.

I carried my baby boy for 36 weeks and 5 days and in less than 2 seconds that terrible day in November, my joy, my love, my child, everything was gone.

I think I couldn't sleep this morning because for some reason I just couldn't believe it.

Crazy right?

I mean really......how can I after all these months not believe my reality? But some how I still wake up on certain days and my mind thinks it was all just a dream. A horrible dream I can still wake up from- yeah I wish.

Sometimes I have good dreams that don't last for long enough. In my dreams I see Aiden and so many other beautiful babies and they just seem so real. How can they all be gone? How can all these families be living with broken hearts? How am I even still standing?

I'm not sure how I feel about September this year. So many mixed emotions, so many thoughts, so many what ifs. And it's not even November yet- no idea of what kind of state I will be in 2 months from now. And how in the world has it gotten so close to being a year already? A year with out him? This is unreal.

All I know is that I miss my son. I wish he was here. I wish I was celebrating my birthday with my hubby and my 10 month old. I wish for my birthday that I could have more time with him.

Well that did it........can't stop the tears from falling now.

I miss my son.