My Angel Baby.....Aiden William: Carissia

Today it's my turn to participate in the blog series called What Love Really means. It was put together by the amazing Mattie and over the last two weeks many fabulous mamas have been featured. They have shared their thoughts on love as well as their stories and blogs with everyone. What a great way to celebrate Valentine's Day- 14 days of love!! And what an amazing group of women! I am so honored to participate in this blog series.

Wow- Love. Where do I start? I have so many thoughts on love it's hard to know which direction to go. I think I'm going to wing it- lol! To me love is sharing- sharing yourself and your gifts with God, family, friends, even strangers.

The Love I Share with Nygel

I heard this quote this morning on a commercial (Ha! We find inspiration in the most interesting places!):

"Love is when there are no more questions"

I thought this quote was most fitting to being the first part of my discussion on love- the love I share with my husband. Nygel is the most amazing man I have ever known in my life. He is my everything...my best friend, my biggest supporter, my protector, my other half, my love. He is the person who knows everything about me. We have been through so much together. He is the person I share my whole life with.

"Whatever our souls are made of, his and mine are the same."
~Emily Brontë

It's so true that love is when there are no more questions. When I knew Nygel was the man I would spend the rest of my life with there were no more questions. We reached a point where I KNEW him..and I knew that who he was...this amazing man...was the person who was perfect to complete me. I had no more questions.

"Love is what you've been through with somebody."

~James Thurber, quoted in Life magazine, 1960

We've been through so much together.....and amazingly we made it....we did it together. I never thought I could be strong through everything this life has thrown at me but I was and am in large part due to my husband.

Here is what I share with Nygel:
1. ♥ LOVE♥
2. Laughter- we love to laugh
3. Our amazing son
4. Hopes, Dreams, Joy
5. Fear, Pain, Tears
6. Quiet days with just me and him
7. Trust and Honesty
8. The knowledge that God hears our prayers- after all he sent us to each other
9. Football!!

Thank you Nygel for being my everything! I will love you forever! My whole life I dreamed of and prayed for a man like you and God blessed me with more than I ever knew I wanted. I love you babe!

The Love I Share With Aiden

Aiden...my son, my angel baby, my joy. I have loved this boy since the moment I knew of him. He was my perfect little man.

"When you are a mother, you are never really alone in your thoughts.

A mother always has to think twice, once for herself and once for her child.”

~Sophia Loren

I love this quote. It is so true that as a mother you think twice about everything- although I think the order is reversed. You think first of your child and second (or third or fourth) about yourself. The love I have for Aiden was always the first thought in my mind. When we were at the hospital my thoughts were racing- they were all about Aiden my precious son. I had no idea that Nygel and my mother (and a lot of other people) were panicked about my safety during the delivery process. I couldn't think of anything else but him.

We you lose a child and you don't have any other living children it's sometimes hard to remember that you are still a mother. But you are. Because everywhere you go you carry them with you. You still think of them first and yourself second. I think it's important to remember in the process of grieving you still have to take care of yourself. My group leader at Bo's Place told me last week that she really wanted me to focus on taking care of myself and I realized that maybe I don't do such a good job at that. So for myself and my son I'm gonna do better.

Here is what I shared/share with Aiden:
1. My body- I loved to feel him moving around and I loved sharing my space with him
2. Reading- I love to read and he loved to listen
3. Letters- I write him letters all the time and I know he loves hearing from me
4. Nygel- my amazing husband, his amazing dad
5. God- Peace and strength for me and He is keeping Aiden safe with Him until we can see our boy again
6. Dancing!! We dance in my dreams together all the time- he is such a good dancer!!!
7. Sun and Cool Breezes- When I'm sad I open the windows and the sun and breeze make me feel so peaceful- like I'm floating. It's in those moments that I know my son is with me.
8. Cam- I watch his dog for him and his spirit plays with us everyday!

Aiden, I love you so much my baby. I will love you forever and ever my little angel!

The Love I Share with Mummy and Carissia

My mom and my sister have carried me through the roughest time of my life- losing my son. My mom stayed with us for a month after we lost Aiden. Forcing me to eat, get up and out of the house, to live. She took care of Nygel as well. Giving him things to do around the house like gardening and frosting a glass door.

"A mother's love for her child is like nothing else in the world. It knows no law,

no pity, it dares all things and crushes down remorselessly all that stands in its path."

~Agatha Christie

Carissia is my little sister. When we were younger we fought and got each other in trouble- crazy kid stuff. Now I couldn't imagine my life without her. She is a great sister and a great friend. She gives some pretty good advice considering she's 5 years younger than me! My sister wanted a nephew more than anything in the world. She wanted a boy in the family! I appreciate so much the times she just listens...sometimes that's all you need. And she's great at listening- she has to be with a sister like me that talks all the time!

"A sister is a gift to the heart, a friend to the spirit, a golden thread to the meaning of life."

~Isadora James

Here's what I share with my mom and my sister:
1. Honesty- They always tell me when I'm right and when I'm wrong.
2. Friendship- The older I get the better friends we become
3. Food- We love to cook and we love to eat!
4. Laughter- we can laugh at ourselves and at each other
5. Family Ties- we start new family traditions and keep up with old ones too
6. Everything else!!!! There are no secrets from these two :)

Mummy and Carissia- I love you both. Thank you for always being there for me even when I didn't know I needed it.

The Love I Share with Friends

I love my friends...to me they are an extension of my family. You really learn who your true friends are when you go through something like this. I have realized that there are some people who are not my friends. And I have also learned that there are some friends in this world who you should grab tight and hold on to because they were sent from God. I want to talk about two of them here.

"Truly great friends are hard to find, difficult to leave, and impossible to forget..."

~G. Randolf

My friend Denise came over to the clinic when I found out I lost Aiden and stayed until Nygel got there. She removed every piece of baby stuff from around my house and organized it all in Aiden's room so we wouldn't have to- that same day. She stayed with us at the hospital and was there when Aiden, her Godson, was born. She organized his entire memorial service so we didn't have to do anything besides pick out his urn. She took me out of the house a week later to eat sushi, drink wine, and get a pedicure. I know that God put her in my life for an important reason and I thank Him for that. She is one of my best friends and I love her.

"Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive,

and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born."

~Anais Nin

After Aiden passed John would come over and just sit with me. The first time he came over after we lost Aiden I was so exhausted I just slept on the couch while he watched tv with Nygel and my mom. He didn't mind. Later visits I stayed up :) And a lot of times we just watched tv and ate- wings, burgers, cheese, wine :) He's a great friend. Over sushi and wine one day I told him about my letters to Aiden. And he encouraged me to share them...he said I might be able to help someone else. In some ways he helped me get to the point where I could start this blog. He's a great friend to both Nygel and I and I'm so thankful to have him in our lives.

What I Share With My Friends:
1. Laughter
2. Wine!!
3. Sushi- Nygel won't eat it :)
4. Honesty
5. Mindless TV shows
6. Joy and Pain

There are so many other friends that have supported us, prayed for us, sent cards and texts and e-mails just to say they were thinking of us. Thank you everyone. I can't list you all here but know that I love you.

The Love I Share with "Strangers"

I have "strangers" in quotes because it's not really the right way to describe the wonderful ladies I've met in the last 3 months. The love and support I've received from other Baby Loss Mamas has given me a strength I never knew I could have. Your love, stories, and ability to know just what to say has meant the world to me. Your strength and courage makes me want to be stronger and more courageous.

"Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more.

It turns denial into acceptance, chaos to order, confusion to clarity.

It can turn a meal into a feast, a house into a home, a stranger into a friend."

~Melody Beattie

I started blogging because I was so inspired by other BLMs. I wanted to share my story too- hoping it would help someone else the way reading your blogs helped me. Through blogging and Facebook I have found this amazing baby loss community and other mamas who know how I feel. I have shared my story and they have shared theirs. And all of a sudden you are not strangers anymore!

Here's what I share with other BLMs:
1. Blogging- such a great outlet
2. Good days and bad days- you guys understand both
3. Having crazy emotions/emotional triggers- no one gets this like another BLM
4. Hopes and dreams
5. Hugs!! xx
6. Understanding
7. Validation- of my feelings and fears
8. Strength

Thank you so much all of you- you just don't know what an inspiration you all have been to me. I thank God that I found you all! Thank you for sharing your love with me!

Ok so I think I've covered all my love! Hope this was a good read for everyone! I really did pour my heart into it.

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And now for my first ever giveaway on this blog!!!! I'm so excited!!! After Aiden passed in November I really wanted to get a special ornament for our Christmas tree. I kept looking and looking and could never find the perfect one. Then one day I found Bugaboo Jewelry and Kristi another baby loss mama. You can read about her and her baby boy Alex by clicking here. Kristi was so fabulous and not only did she make the perfect ornament for Aiden she got it to me in time for Christmas (despite my late ordering)!!! I love, love, love Aiden's ornament and since it's not Christmas anymore it stays on our dresser all the time.

So here's the giveaway: A personalized footprints on my ♥heart♥ glass tile pendant!

Isn't it lovely?!?!?!?

I was going to give away an ornament like Aiden's but then I saw this beautiful pendant with a ♥heart♥ and I thought it was just perfect for a Valentine's Day giveaway! This pendant can be personalized with your baby's footprints and their name.

When I told Kristi what I was doing she agreed to sponsor today's giveaway...so sweet! And then she told me she would donate 3 of these beautiful pendants!!!! Can you believe it!?!? That's right- 3 pendants from the lovely Kristi!! Thank you mama!! ♥♥♥

Here's how you enter the giveaway:

1. Leave me a comment here describing how you share your love and with whom.

2. Add a ♥ to the comment- after all it is Valentine's Day!
3. Include in your comment you baby's name for the pendant and whether you would like to include their footprints on the pendant or just use the standard footprints seen on the picture. (If you win and want to use your baby's footprints you'll need to e-mail me the image so I can have it added to the pendant).
4. Follow my blog!!! This is an easy one :) If you already follow you can just let me know in your comment.
5. Check out Kristi's shop on Etsy- Bugaboo Jewelry- and leave in your comment what item you just love. ♥

All of this information can be left in one comment- no need to separate anything. Tonight I'll randomly pick three comments and those lucky mamas will win a pendant. I'll announce the winners tomorrow morning on my blog and Mattie will post all the winners from this week on her blog as well.

♥♥♥Have a wonderfully fabulous Valentine's Day everyone! Sending you my love!! ♥♥♥

I'm sitting here this morning visiting all my favorite blogs to see how everyone is doing this weekend. And I have company....Cami Cam. She's sleeping on my leg quite comfortably right now. I have mentioned Cam a lot on this blog but I don't think I've every shared her story....

Cami Cam

Cam and her Lamb...just like Aiden's Lamb

We got Cam on December 19, 2010 by accident kind of.☺ We were sitting at home with family and Nygel was looking on line at a local puppy store to see what kind of dogs they had in stock. He really wanted a dog. Even before I was pregnant he wanted a dog. I kept telling him to wait. Wait until we got a house, wait until we had a baby so they could grow up together. Well we got the house and Aiden was on the way. So Nygel knew he'd be getting a dog soon! And then we lost our son and neither of us could think of anything but our overwhelming pain.

So on that Sunday in December the furthest thing from my mind was getting a dog. We had discussed getting either a Chocolate Lab or a Weimaraner because we thought those would be good family dogs. Our final decision had been a Chocolate Lab. But again I wasn't thinking about a dog....I was thinking about Aiden.

When Nygel called the puppy store it was to see if they had any Chocolate Labs...they didn't. But they did have 4 Weimaraner puppies. OMG Nygel was ecstatic! He wanted one of those puppies. It was going to be my Christmas present. I had been telling him over and over again after Aiden passed that I didn't want a puppy. And I told him that again that Sunday. The girls and my sister all looked disappointed. I went in our room and he came after me.

"Do you know why I want a dog so badly?" Nygel asked me. "No, I don't" I responded. I didn't...what was the big deal? I wasn't thinking about a puppy- I wanted my baby.

"I want a dog because I was going to get Aiden a dog after he was born. I wanted him to have a puppy and even though he's not here I still want to get him his dog." was his response.

Wow. Ever had one of those "Ah-Ha" moments Oprah talks about? This was definitely an "Ah-Ha" moment for me. Now I understood why Nygel had been hounding me about getting a puppy. Why he wanted to give me a dog as a Christmas present. He wanted to remember his son. He wanted to remember the things he planned for his son. He wanted to get Aiden's dog. "Ah-Ha" now I get it. Why didn't I see it before? Not sure....but in that moment I got it.

So off we went to get a puppy. Me, Nygel, Carissia, Kayla, and Nylah. We were going to get Aiden's dog. I told them in the car the puppy's name would be Cam. I just love that name and I wanted to keep up the "C" name tradition we started with our cats- Carson and Chloe. All of them were like- ummm ok we don't like that name. But I didn't care- the dog's name was going to be Cam.

We got to the store and saw the most adorable Weimaraner puppies ever! We played for about an hour with the 2 boys and 2 girls- the kids wanted to take all 4! We debated getting two at first but then decided that one puppy was enough. I knew I wanted a girl. Cam stood out to me because she had so much energy....spunk.☺ She was absolutely beautiful! She was the one. You'll never guess when she was born. November 4, 2010...just 2 days after Aiden. Wow again.

While we were taking care of all of her paper work the girls played with Cam. Still thinking she might be named something else Nygel asked the girls what they thought. Nylah said "I've been calling her Cam, I like it now that I've been saying it" and she smiled. Ummmm hmmm- that's right....I picked a great name! So we had our Cam. My Christmas present, Aiden's dog. We were just going to take care of her for him.

Baby Cam and Carissia

Cam and her monkey

Cam has been fun, crazy, silly, sweet. She terrorizes the cats- I know Chloe has lost a few pounds since December- lol! It's ok though- she needed it! She has been to the vet so many times in the last 2 months that they know her and us by name when we come in and over the phone. I swear one of the front desk girls is going to try to steal her one day. We took her in yesterday for puppy shots and to check on her itching and the girl couldn't stop saying "Oh Cam I love you!!" But she's healthy now and just perfect. Like my Aiden. When she drives me crazy I remember that she's Aiden's dog and that makes me smile.

Trying to get to Carson

Poor CarCar :(

Yesterday at the dog park a bigger dog stepped on Cam while they were playing. She cried out and my heart stopped. No!!! Not my baby's dog. I took the other dog's foot off her little tummy and rubbed her. Nygel didn't want me to but I picked her up in my lap and held her for a few minutes. She calmed down and eventually when I was convinced she was fine I put her back down to play. I know Aiden was watching out for his puppy. She was fabulous at the dog park! She played with the other dogs and wasn't too scared, she drank from the puppy water fountain, she even ran across a puppy beam. I am always amazed at how smart she is. Cami Cam- Aiden's dog.

As I sit here typing and she lays on a blanket on my leg snoring, I think about my son. I love him so much. I did and would still do anything for him. I love Cam....she's Aiden's dog. And I will always take care of her for him. I'll take care of her for him and love every minute of it!