10 Months Without You

Dear Aiden,

It's been 10 months since you went to Heaven baby boy and I know you know mama was having a hard time yesterday. I miss you so much and I struggle sometimes with really accepting this new life I have without you.

So I thought I wouldn't be able to keep it together today since yesterday was so rough. I woke up early again (about 4:20 am today) and of course you were the first thought in my mind. But this morning there was a lot more peace in my heart. I tried to sneak away from Cami but she heard me moving around my room so off we went to the guest room to watch tv and play on the computer. I found a channel showing Problem Child 2 which mommy LOVED to watch when she was a kid :) So again I was given a break from all the stress I experienced yesterday.

It's been crazy hot here in Texas- every day has been over 100 and any time they tell us it's going to rain it seems like it lasts for only a few minutes. Cami doesn't even like to be outside very long- she does her business and is like "hey let me in!" So this morning when I went to let her out I was surprised by how good it felt outside. Nice and cool and breezy. Just a perfect morning. Cam loved it and did not want to come back in. I had to go out in my pajamas and chase her back in the house!

After a really easy drive into work (the traffic has been horrible every other day this week!!!) I parked and got out of my car to walk to the building.

And I swear it just hit me......this overwhelming peace.

It was so calm and beautiful outside. And my heart didn't feel as heavy. Peaceful.

I know you had a hand in my day today. I know you are with me always. I know that even though you are so much further away than I want you to be, you live on always in my heart.

Thank you for being such an amazing son. Thank you for making me a mom. Thank you for always being there just when I need you. I couldn't have asked for a more perfect child.

I love you, I miss you, I can't wait to see you again one day.

Love Always,
Mama

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Hope....

So the amazing Franchesca has come up with another fabulous idea for us baby loss mamas. The Small Miracles Blog Hop is her newest creation and I think it's just great! Every month on the 19th mamas from all over will blog about things that keep them going through this grief journey....things that give them hope. I am excited to join in with this super strong group of ladies and this inspirational blog hop. 

"Hope is faith holding out its hand in the dark." 

~George Iles

If you read my last post you know that I have struggled a lot this week with my grief. It can be so overwhelming sometimes and it seems to come out of no where just when you think you're doing ok. After my last post I can definitely use a little hope and I'd like to share some too. I thought I'd start with this quote:

"Hope is the feeling you have that the feeling you have isn't permanent." 

~Jean Kerr

Like Fran I also believe in signs. Over the last few weeks the weather here has been just crazy! But almost every weekend when we are at home it's been so nice outside! I've been able to open the windows and have a cool breeze come through. I've talked about this before on here but the warm sun and cool breeze always take my mind straight to Aiden. It's like he's sending me a sign that everything is going to be ok....he's giving me hope.

"Hope sees the invisible, feels the intangible and achieves the impossible."

~Anonymous

Here's a list of things that give me hope right now. As the months go on I truly hope my list will get longer :)

1. Knowing that I am a mother and I'll have the chance to be a mother again

2. Dancing with Aiden in my dreams

3. My husband- he always knows just what to say

4. Sunlight and Cool Breezes

5. The strength of other Baby Loss Mamas- so inspiring :)

"Hope is putting faith to work when doubting would be easier."

~Anonymous

♥ I hope you all have a peaceful day ♥

Starting Today

So I've been planning to do this blog thing for awhile now and I decided to finally get started. During the last 3 months since losing Aiden I've found that writing helps me more than ever. Almost like I can pour out what's in my heart without worrying about being judged or bothering someone.

The last few days have been rough. I'm trying to get a lot of Aiden's pictures framed and up plus I'm working on a few other projects for him. I also am going to be a group leader for a Face2Face group here in Houston so I've been working on stuff for that and reading a lot of women's stories. Every one of them just breaks my heart and I think all of it just got to me yesterday. So I spent several hours on Sunday sleeping after a lot of crying.

Our little puppy Cam keeps us busy so it's hard to get too sad but I still miss Aiden every day. I think he was with me yesterday though because when I woke up I opened all the windows in the house and pulled up the blinds starting with our bedroom. I just wanted some fresh air in the house. When I got back to my room it was so nice and breezy- peaceful. I climbed back in the bed but I felt so much better. Nygel came in the room and was like "ummm are you back in the bed again??" I started smiling and told him "Aiden's here can't you feel it- it's so peaceful." And he was kinda like "wow I really can feel it." It was nice- my baby boy looking out for me when he knew I was sad :)

Last night was hard too. I'm not sure why but I just couldn't stop crying. Although I was thinking of Aiden I think my cycle starting did not do me any favors with the crying issue. I went to bed really early last night and surprisingly I feel better this morning. My baby boy at work again :)

I'm ready to be "normal" again but I know that this is my new "normal" and I'm slowly getting used to the new me......