Aiden & Dragonflies

Work was painfully a little busy and stressful yesterday so I decided to share with you guys something in my office that actually brought a little peace to me in the middle of all that madness.

My mom went to visit my aunt in Maryland last week and brought back these beautiful pieces I just LOVE and had to share:

Dragonfly Magnets

Dragonfly Paperweight

Both in my office at work- LOVE looking at these every day 

Was so excited when she pulled these out! I love getting little reminders of Aiden. Brings a smile to my face every time :)

I love that Aiden sends me these lovely dragonflies- they are a constant reminder of him and I love that. 

I miss him so much.......I love him so much.....

Hope......Illuminate Week 4

I haven't posted in a while and I have so much on my mind right now it's hard to put together many understandable thoughts......I'm sure you all get that.

So instead I thought I would share my last post from my Illuminate class. I can't say enough great things about this class and our instructor Beryl. Such a great group of ladies I was able to spend several weeks with- I feel so honored to know them and their children. And the class was a great opportunity to work on my photography skills and get out some of the jumbled thoughts that fill my mind. If you haven't heard of Illuminate you should definitely check it out!

This was posted on August 8, 2011. The photo collage at the end is one I put together myself with some pics from around the house (love that!).....

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This week's assignment was to imagine myself a year from today. That's kind of a tough one. One thing I've learned in the last 9 months is that I could never come close to dreaming up what my life might be like one day, week, month, or year from now. But I can share what I plan to do with myself over that time.

In a day life can change so much. I can't tell you for sure how I'll feel from day-to-day. What I can tell you is that I plan to live each day like it's all I have. I know that life is fleeting......it can be taken away at any time. I know that one day I will get to see my little Aiden again. Until that day I have to keep living my life the way my soon would want me to. One foot in front of the other......one day at a time.

One week from now I know that all the good I do to build myself up today can be gone in an instant. I know that I can freak myself out or work myself into such an anxious frenzy that all the hard work I've put in to calm myself down over the week will disappear in 2.5 seconds. But during the next week I'll work to pick myself up again. I'll keep going, keep living, keep trying. Because that's what my son would want me to do.

One month from now I'll be 10 months without my son. That is an incredibly painful thought. Months mean a lot to me now. Each month on the 2nd I am even further away from my son. Further away from the day I got to meet him......and the day I said goodbye until the next life. I count down the months until he's been gone a year. It's coming way too soon for me. Next month will be tough. It will be so close to Aiden's birthday. I pray that God and my son will continue to be with me and give me strength to get through each month. So far they have done a good job because I'm still making it.

One year from now I don't know where this life will take me. I don't know what my emotional state will be, I don't know what our family will look like, I don't know how anything will play out. But I do know what I plan to do from now until then.

Hope.

Angel of Hope sent to me by my lovely friend Tiffany

I will continue to trust and hope in God. I will have hope through everything we go through. I will continue to have hope in the shadow of darkness.

Here is one of my favorite bible verses:

"But those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint." 

~Isaiah 40:31

This is my prayer for myself and for all the other baby loss moms who are near and dear to my heart........

A Good Friend

It seems like lately there have been a lot of posts going around and e-mails/messages coming to (and from) me on the topic of friends. Friends who have been there through thick and thin (including the horrific tragedy of losing a child), friends who have disappeared off the face of the Earth after times get rough (times like when you lose a child) what makes a good friend vs a sucky friend, and just the general change in some friendships after the loss of a child.

Although I could go on about the topic of friends vs "friends" for a very long time (trust me I'll talk about it another day because I have lots to say) today I want to stray away from my normal baby loss discussion and talk just about friendship- good friendships. I guess to be more specific I want to talk about one of mom's best friends- a truly good friend.

Last night I got a call from my sister saying that Pat, my mom's long time friend, had passed away. My heart stopped for a second and I felt my breath slip away. I could not believe what I was hearing. How in the world was this possible? And then I stopped myself. Come on....I know how possible terrible tragedies are. Clearly.

Pat has been my mother's friend since before I can even remember. She's always been around. She is my baby sister's Godmother and has been to everything my sister and I have ever done- graduations, my wedding, baby showers, with my mom and I to buy my first car, my sister's sporting events, my debutante ball (yes people- I'm a Southern girl and I was a debutante :) Maybe I'll post a pic one day- ha!). Any emergency she could be counted on to help. Pretty much everything our family did Pat was there. I even remember the whole remodel on her house back when I was a teenager. When Nygel and I got married she let ALOT of my family stay in that house which was a life saver for us!

But she wasn't just there for my mom, me, and my sister. She loved my whole family. This lady checked on my grandmother more than some of my cousins do. When I called my granny last night to tell her what happened, she told me she had talked to Pat just 2 weeks ago. And that Pat told her how much fun her granddaughter was and how she was running to keep up with her. That breaks my heart......

Pat was a mother, a grandmother, a sister, a daughter, and a friend. Such a wonderful woman.

More than anything she was amazing friend- a best friend- to my mother. When I talked to my mom early this morning to see how she as doing she told me something I already knew. "Pat was more than a friend- she was family. She was like a sister to me."

I know Mummy and I am so very sorry she's gone........

In life we are blessed if we are able to find a friend that will be there for us no matter what. When things are good and when they are tragic- that friend is there. When you're laughing so hard your stomach hurts and when you are crying so hard you can't pick yourself up off the bathroom floor- that friend is still there. And it's ok because they pick you up off the floor and bring you food and force you to watch reality tv until you can't help but crack a smile. They are a friend.....a good friend.

I am so thankful that God blessed my mother with Pat. I am so happy that for almost all of her adult life she had someone she could trust and who loved her so much. I am so very happy she had such a good friend.

Thank you Pat for all you have been to our family. Thank you for loving my mother and loving us because of the fact that you loved her so much. I pray that my little Aiden gives you a stunning smile and a huge hug when you see him in Heaven. Give him a kiss from his mama and know I'm sending one to you too......xoxo

Aiden.....9 Months

To honor Aiden's 9 months in Heaven, Nygel and I (and Cami of course) released some balloons for him along with my mom, sister, and niece. We all wrote him special notes- they wrote theirs on the balloons and I wrote a special card to my baby boy. Cami held on to the balloon ribbons until we got ready to let the balloons go.

Here are some pics from that day:

The balloons floated FOREVER- they didn't disappear for about 15 minutes! So wonderful to watch them make their way up to my little man.

I love you Aiden........forever and always!

Love, Mommy

9 Months......

Dear Aiden,

Hey baby boy........I hope that you are having a good day in Heaven. I know you are hanging out with family and all your angel baby friends and that makes me smile.

For some reason this post is hard for me to write today. I usually have no problem writing you letters.

But today it's tough.

I think I know why. You were with us for 36 weeks and 5 days. I was happily moving into my 9th month of carrying you- totally and completely in love with my son. And then suddenly the baby I was counting down to seeing in 3 weeks was ripped from me. Gone.....forever.

Now 9 months later in just a short time you will have been gone longer than you were with us..........

Everything about that is just so wrong.

I miss you. I miss you every day. I think about you every.single.day.

I struggle with a lot of things- life is just so rough some days.

But what I want you to know is that even on my hardest day thoughts of you still warm my heart. You will always be my perfect little baby. An angel. Loved by so many. But especially loved by me.

Even when you see mama struggling, crying, angry, or sad please know it is only because I miss you. I wish I could do more for you today. More than just write a letter. I wish I could put you in a cute outfit with a big 9 month sticker on it. I long to take tons of pictures and send them to everyone to see your cute face. I wish we could have a special "Aiden's 9 months old!" birthday dinner with just me, you, and daddy. So much I want to do for you.

While I can't do any of those things I can love you. It may be from far away but I believe my love is strong enough to reach you. I believe that you know how much I love you.

I love you baby boy. Forever and always.

Please know that you are forever loved. Forever missed. Forever remembered.

I love you Aiden!

Love,
Mommy