Fix You.....

I shared in this post the lovely slide show my husband made in October to remember our sweet little Aiden and the time we had with him....it was simply beautiful.

Fix You was one of the songs Nygel used in the slide show. Completely fitting because all he has tried to do since we lost Aiden is fix me. I have this song on my current play list and I cry every time I hear it. I wish I didn't have to be fixed.......

I looked into the song in more detail and learned that the song is thought to have been written by Chris Martin for his wife Gwyneth Paltrow after her father passed away. It was a song to help someone grieving a terrible loss. Supposedly when she returned from the hospital after her father passed she told Chris he was the only one who could fix her.

I get that. I would not be standing today if Nygel had not spent the last 14 months trying to fix me. I am truly blessed.

The song lyrics are often stuck in my head these days. Especially these words:

And the tears come streaming down your face

When you lose something you can't replace 

When you love someone, but it goes to waste 

Could it be worse?

I've lost something so dear and precious....someone who can never be replaced. Aiden isn't here and that is so horrible and wrong.

But some how on this journey, on this terrible road, I'm slowly becoming fixed. 

Now let's get this straight- I am in no way my old self.  I'm no longer the girl who was naive to the terrible tragedies that can occur when you are trying to bring a new life into this world. I'm still struggling and will always long for my Aiden. I can't tolerate a bunch of crap and people who don't appreciate their precious children make me sick. I will NEVER be the old me. I will ALWAYS have sad/hard/overwhelmingly horrible days. I will still always wonder why my little Aiden is not here with us. Having Mason does not remove the pain of losing Aiden. I will forever work to make sure Aiden's life is remembered.

But the love of my husband, my sweet sweet children, and the hope I have for the future has slowly, slowly, slowly begun to build me back up. I'm not fixed and I know never will be completely. But I have faith that I will continue to heal and become the best new me I can be. And all I can do is my best.

Tears stream down on your face

When you lose something you cannot replace 

Tears stream down on your face 

And I... 

Lights will guide you home 

And ignite your bones 

And I will try to fix you

My Family