Ugly Horrible Grief

Grief is something that is constantly a part of my life. Constant in the life of every BLM I know. It changes but it never goes away.

I know that most people on the outside looking in think that everything is fine over this way. We have our second son who brings us incredible joy. We work. We smile. We take pictures. We spend time with family and friends.

And most days things are ok.

But grief has this insanely stealth way of sneaking back in....no matter how hard you try to escape. In the dark it slips past your best defenses and attacks you when you least expect it.

Dramatic? Maybe. But that's how I'm feeling right now.

This week as been incredibly rough. Full of ugly, nasty, horrible grief.

Monday I woke up at about 2:45 am. Not because of a hungry, teething baby needing some loving from mama. But because of memories of another sweet baby. A baby who I can only mother and love from a far no matter how much I wish otherwise.

It's funny how some memories from those first few days are so vivid. The one that hit me early on Monday morning was a conversation I had with the funeral home director the day after I left the hospital. We were discussing exactly what would happen with Aiden and the options we had at that point. What an effin conversation to have. Never in my life did I think I would be discussing my baby's final arrangements around a big walnut conference table with a box of tissue covered with a gold plated box placed directly in front of me because of my nonstop flow of tears. With everyone looking at me like I could pass out at any moment. And how in the world did I manage not to pass out? Because I was seriously ready to die with Aiden. Passing out would have at least given me some kind of relief.

As I spoke with the funeral director about what they would do with my son's body until his memorial service I lost it. I cried uncontrollably and I told her that she had to take care of him and that I was having a hard time dealing with the fact that I had to leave him. But that was only part of it. My entire thought was "what kind of horrible awful mother would leave their child?" Yep that was me- the most horrible mother in the world. I left my child. How the hell could I leave him with strangers? Rationally I knew he was already gone from this world but who the hell is rational when their child dies? All I could think was that I was the worst mother ever. I left my baby.

And that's where I was this Monday morning. Right back in that moment where I left him. Where I became the world's worst mother. Not only did I not save Aiden but then I turned around and left him in a strange place with strange people. WTF was wrong with me?

I wish I could have saved him. More than anything I wish I could have saved my son.

I hate this grief. I hate that it can take me right back to those moments that are filled with the most pain I've ever felt in my life. I recognize that the pain I feel is the price I pay for loving Aiden and for carrying him in my heart always. It's just that when it comes the grief and pain is relentless. I feel like I can't breathe sometimes. My arms long to hold Aiden just one more time.

This week has been really bad- off and on crying and meltdowns. The constant thought is my head has been "I wish I could have saved him." I can't stop thinking about why my little guy is not here with me.

My heart is breaking all over again......


Dear Aiden,

I love you so much baby boy. I miss you so much it hurts. Seriously. I cannot believe that it has been 21 months since I held you. I can't believe that 2 years is so so so close. It seems like just yesterday that I had you in my arms. I know you know how much I love and miss you but I wish I could say it with you right here. Sitting in my lap. And sharing kisses with me afterwards. 

It's so hard sometimes. Things will seem ok and then some small thing will remind me of how much I've lost- the things that I will never have because you are not here. Like having both my boys tearing up the house and getting into everything.....together. I feel so robbed of the chance to see you and Masey together. Playing, laughing, being boys. We have all lost so much.

Thank you for the sweet reminders you have set me lately. It helps to know that you are never too far away. Although it's not enough I'm grateful to have something to help me through the tough times. 

I love you Aiden always and forever. 

Love,
Mama