Right Now

I haven't posted in a while.....a long while. Life has been taken up with regular things. We spend our days watching Mason grow and change and be this amazing little person. And that makes me happy. He makes us happy. We smile more than I ever believed was possible again. He is an incredible boy ♥

But I still feel pain from what should have been. I feel sadness when I think of who I expected myself to be right now and the loss of who I was. I feel hurt when I remember the life that Nygel and I dreamed of for ourselves. The plans we made that have been forever changed.

Forever.

I miss this space. My space. Our space. Me and Aiden. The place where I can come to talk about him and get out all the emotions bottled up inside me. Where I can share him freely. There's so much on my heart lately. So many overwhelming thoughts and feelings.

November 2nd is so close. Closer and closer every day........

It's unreal.

Usually I reserve the word "meltdown" for Mason. He can go from happy to majorly upset in a matter of seconds. Playing with his toys and running around joyfully turns into crocodile tears and outstretched arms that only want mama 2.5 seconds later. I am always amazed at how fast his mood can change.....peaceful to meltdown.

And then I realized just how much Mase and I have in common when it comes to meltdowns. Because mine come on in a matter of seconds also. I'm happy and calm one minute and then moments later I'm a crying mess.

My own personal meltdowns.

I've been having a few lately. Meltdowns over how close his second birthday is to being here. Over how much I wish I could be doing for him every day. Over how incredibly unfair it is that my first born son is not here with us. Over how badly I miss him. So much. All.the.time.

Meltdowns for days. 

I think his birthday this year will be quiet again. Just our little family. I hope and pray that he can feel how much we love and miss him. Always.

And I try to remember that each day that goes by brings me a little closer to him again.

I love you Aiden. Always.