Happy Third Birthday ♥

Oh my sweet Aiden  ♥

Today marks three years since the day I met you and held you in my arms. It's unimaginable that three years has passed already. I remember that day with you so vividly and I will never forget. The day my sweet boy was born.

I don't know how many ways I can say what's in my heart. I think you know so well. I miss you, I love you. I wish you were here. I would give anything to have another moment with you. To see you playing with your little brothers. To know what you would be like right now in this moment as a three year old little boy. To feel your kisses, and hugs......oh the sweet hugs. To hold your hand. To play with you at the park. To snuggle together on the couch and watch a Christmas movie together. I have missed out on so much. We have missed out on so much. It will never be fair. It will always hurt. I will forever want more than what I have. And know that I can never have what I really want.

Three years......three long years.....so very long.

Today we will celebrate your life. We will celebrate how much you mean to us and how much we love you. Everything about you is love to us. So today will be filled with love my dear. Stay close to us as we will need you just like we always do.

I miss you.

I love you.

Happy Birthday my sweet baby boy ♥

Love Mama

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"I loved the boy with the utmost love of which my soul is capable; and he is taken from me—

yet in the agony of my spirit in surrendering such a treasure 

I feel a thousand times richer than if I had never possessed it.” 

- William Wordsworth

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Our Second Rainbow

Two weeks ago our lives were blessed again as we welcomed our third son into the world- Caden Alexander.

He arrived healthy, screaming, and beautiful. Caden is wonderful- a sweet little soul who made our hearts grow even bigger than ever. Even more wonderful? He looks just like his two older brothers. Makes my heart smile- my boys ♥

It's amazing to have two children in my arms. Of course two children in my arms doesn't change the longing for my first son who will be forever missed and remembered. My sweet Aiden.....he's always in my heart, mind, and soul. I am so grateful to him for helping get his second baby brother here safely. Wishing so much that I could have him here with me as well.

I love you Aiden.....always and forever my sweet boy ♥

Mama

BLM Weekend in Chicago 2013

I haven't posted here in a LOOOOOOOONG time. Too long really considering how special of a space this is for me. But after the weekend I just had it was impossible not to write about it.

From Friday to Sunday Mason and I were able to spend the weekend with some amazing mamas and babies. Beautiful rainbow babies. And not only did we get to meet all these rainbows but we were able to share the sweet little angels that brought us together.

Aiden

Cale

Andrew

Julius

Hayes

Jack

Addison

Eliza

Camille

Ava

Elizabeth

Anna

Bear

William and Ethan

It took me a few months to find the blogging world after we lost Aiden. From that horrible day in November to about January 2011 I was in a completely blinding fog. I couldn't see very much in any direction around me. And as I started to come out of the fog I began looking for someone who understood me. I scoured the internet for someone like me- who had experienced the worst possible loss in life and was still functioning. Someone who understood the insane places my mind went to every day. Someone who didn't need an explanation for the paralyzing fear I carried with me that I would lose everyone I loved now that Aiden was gone. Someone who understood my desperate need to have a living child.  Someone who just got me.

And through the blogging community I didn't just find someone. I found so many women who helped when I needed them the most. This amazing community of moms who never wanted to be a community but despite this were making the best of the horrible cards life had dealt them. I found women who supported me through my tears and sadness, who cheered for me in my small victories, who listened to the craziness that went through my head daily when I was pregnant with Mason, and who accepted me no matter what. I could be real, I could be myself.....and not be judged. That part means so much to me even today. Because there are not many situations in my life where I can be completely real and myself. Not after losing Aiden. I still have to fake it sometimes. But with my BLM friends it all the real deal Natasha.

Sad, Grumpy, Crazy, Happy, Disgusted, Pissed Off.

You name it I can be it and these ladies still accept me. No faking at all. I am so grateful for everyone I have connected with through blogging ❤

I was fortunate enough to take a trip to Minnesota in 2011 when I was pregnant with Mason to meet some BLM friends. It was a much needed trip and I spent several days letting out all my bottled up emotions with people who understood me.

Well last Friday (exactly a week ago!) Mason and I were at the airport heading to Chicago to meet some more of our friends in person. And it was amazing!

My sweet friend Caroline (Cale and Finn's mama) came to pick us up from the airport to start the weekend. Caroline and I got to meet a few months back and go to dinner with our hubbies and our rainbow boys which was great:) She took us to Brandy's house (Andrew and Benjamin's mama) where we were bombarded with love. Caroline actually carried Mason in and the first thing I heard was my favorite Southern Belle Molly (Sloane, Hayes, and Kellan's mama) say "it's Mason!" Lol!

From there it was crazy chaos! But like the best chaos ever :) Babies, mamas, toys, sippy cups, diapers, and of course......The Lawn Mower. We ended up having to hide this toy which apparently Benjamin though was just 'ehhh' but my child and Finn and a few others were seriously fighting over! I have one on order for Mason right now so hopefully it will be here soon!

Late that evening we headed to the hotel to rest up. One of my dear friends Tiffany and her daughter Juliana were our roommates. Tiffany and I have also met in person before and the last time we saw each other we were both pregnant with our rainbows who were born exactly one month apart! Tiffany is also mommy to sweet Julius who along with Aiden brought us together. Mase and Juli had a ball playing and watching cartoons on the iPad once we got settled in the hotel. Lots of fun!

Saturday was also a great day. No firm plans just a picnic in the park with a bunch of babies and mamas and some awesome dad's who also made the trip. I cannot tell you how nice it was to see all those kiddos together. Like one of the best things ever. The only thing that would have made it better would have been their sweet older siblings there with us. But I gotta tell you, I really feel that they were. I felt Aiden with me. I felt the other angel babies there with us as well. So wonderful.

It was great feeling so completely comfortable with women I had not ever technically met in person (except for 2) but who I knew so well from sharing our lives with each other through blogs, emails, texts, and pictures. Women who get me. And all my issues. Being able to hug them and share meals and laughter and tears in person? No words- just perfect. Thank you so much ladies.

And the babies. Seeing the babies that I anxiously waited for with their mamas, saying many prayers and shedding lots of tears through pregnancy ups and downs. Man, meeting and loving on them was pure joy. Again I felt like I knew them all so well already from their adorable pictures and the descriptions their moms shared of them. But their sweet little personalities in real life were enough to keep me smiling the whole weekend.

Another amazing part of the weekend was watching all the mamas mother on everyone's babies. I can't tell you how much these ladies helped me with Mason when I really needed it and I am so appreciative! The love shown to these sweet rainbows by all the mamas was just beautiful. And I can't leave out the dads! Because my friend Laura's husband (they are mama and daddy to Jack and Grace) was Mason's BFF on this trip. For real. Best friends! And Scott was so wonderful with him! Thank you guys!

Seriously I can't even name everything that was so wonderful about this trip- there are way too many. It was just what I needed when I needed it. We laughed, we cried, we shared all of our babies. It's always therapeutic to me to be able to speak openly about how I feel and not hide my emotions. Again I can only say I am so grateful for all the women who have taken me in and loved me and my babies when I needed it the most.

When Mason and I headed home Sunday I was exhausted but my heart was full of all I experienced over the weekend. I can't wait to for my next opportunity to see these ladies as well as some of my other BLM friends who weren't able to make the trip this time. Even though you were definitely thought of I can't wait to see you face to face! My heart is already ready for the next time........until 2014. Or sooner if we can manage it!

All the babies and mamas ❤ 

Haven of Hope Retreat

Every year I post about an amazing retreat held here in Texas for mothers who have experienced the loss of a child. You can see my post about the first retreat here and my post from last year here.

The third annual retreat is coming up and I hope that if you are in the area (or even if you are not) you'll consider attending. The retreat has been such a blessing to my heart and I have so many dear friends who I met there. This year it is being help March 8th-10th in Round Top, Texas. You can register from now until March 1st.  Here is the retreat flyer:

For more information on the retreat you can visit the Haven of Hope website. Susan, Marsha, and Daisy started Haven of Hope with so much love and it shows in everything they do for us mamas. If you are planning on coming to the retreat definitely let me know!

I'll leave you with their words regarding the retreat:

Haven of Hope is a non-profit ministry dedicated to walking alongside other mothers that have also suffered the loss of a child, pointing them to our HOPE in Jesus Christ.

“Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, The Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, Who comforteth us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort them which are in any trouble, by the comfort wherewith we ourselves are comforted of God.”

-II Corinthians 1:3-4

You are not alone.

It's Been A While....

My house is quiet this morning, a rare thing at 6:30 am. Usually Mason is up watching Mickey Mouse Clubhouse in between running circles around the dog and cats while throwing toys left and right. Usually I'm rushing to get ready for work and sneaking in hugs and kisses in between brushing my teeth and combing my hair. Usually I'm trying to feed Cam and make sure she goes out to potty while keeping Mason from running outside with her. Morning are really hectic.

But not this morning. This morning my house is quiet. My boys are sleeping and it's just me with my thoughts.

When I'm alone and it's quiet my thoughts always go to my sweet Aiden. My thoughts go to him all the time but when it's quiet I can't help but wonder what it would be like if he were here with us. I wonder if it would really be quiet right now? Or would my 2 year old be up with me. Sharing hugs and kisses and snuggles. I would give anything for those hugs and kisses. And the snuggles.......

I haven't posted since November 6th so it's definitely been a while. After Aiden's birthday I didn't have a lot to say. My thoughts were just of him constantly....of what could have been. My friend Keelen says that when it's our baby's birthday the whole month belongs to them. And I feel that way too. November is Aiden's. He was due on Thanksgiving Day and born on November 2nd. So yeah pretty much the whole month is his. And Thanksgiving (and every other holiday) will never be the same. The holidays are just hard period. Mason helps so much to give us joy during the hardest time. But not matter what it's still hard.

I'm feeling sad this morning. Yesterday I was pretty grumpy and cranky. I guess moods swings never go away. But this morning sad is definitely the overwhelming feeling. Sad for myself. Sad for some of my BLM friends who are also having a hard time.

I think so often of the last moments I had with Aiden. I wish I could hold him one more time. Smell him and feel his weight in my arms. I picture Nygel singing to him by the window in our room. It breaks my heart that I could only see it that one time. It wasn't enough. It will never be enough. I'm just sad. Heartbreakingly sad.......

I am destined for a life where my happiness and grief are intertwined forever.

I miss my son.