I cried myself to sleep last night. I haven't done that in a while....I think. You know it's possible I have and I just don't even remember because it was so bad. How horrible is that?
Anyway I cried myself to sleep last night.....4 months since I held Aiden in my arms. 4 months since I saw his beautiful face and arms and legs and hair. A perfect little person that I had carried for 36 weeks and 5 days.
I'm not pregnant anymore, there is no life growing inside me. And my baby boy, my precious angel is gone.
I have had crazy mood swings over the last few days. I was asked a question at work by someone I don't know that well but I've seen around the office. I'm sure you know what it was- well some version of what it was. "What did you have?" she asked with a smile. "Excuse me?" I said. "What did you have? You just had your baby right?" CRASH.....I'm doing ok...I'm working....I'm talking to people....I'm trying to be normal. And there is the question. The one we all dread. I told her that I had a little boy but he didn't make it. And of course her smile disappeared. "I'm so sorry." Me too. I know she didn't know- it's not her fault. Everyone wants to know about babies. I just wonder how many times I'm going to have to answer this.
Then when I got home I had a baby shower invitation in the mail. I wasn't expecting it and on that day it just put me over the top. I am so happy for my friend and everyone else who has been blessed with a child. But it makes me so sad and angry at the same time. It's a reminder. Why couldn't I have Aiden?????
I know today is going to be a hard day...I pray that I can stay focused enough to make it to tomorrow. I miss my son so much I feel like my heart is going to burst.
I love his feet- they are the most perfect feet- my feet......
I love you Aiden William, forever and ever I will carry you in my heart. Mommy hopes that today even though I may cry a little that you have lots of fun up there in heaven with Papa, Aunty Jacqueline, and all your new little angel baby friends. I know I'll feel you near me today. I love you so much baby boy!
Love,
Mommy
I'd love to hear from you! 
12 comments:
Thinking of you today! I'm having a tough few days, too. Hugs!
Big Hugs!!! I hate answering those questions too :(
Thinking of you today...
Four months was one of the hardest for me, not sure why. Hopefully your days will get brighter from here. If not then big hugs.
Thanks guys...your support means so much to me. Molly I hope your days are getting better too.
What a difficult day... I found it harder after 3'ish months b/c I think that I thought I'd be OK by then and was slowly realising that it was never going to be "OK" and that I wanted her her to be with me... but that it was really only her memory that was going to be with me forever. Thinking of you & Aiden xoxo
Thinking of you today! I hate those questions too and the inevitable "are you pregnant" that I have gotten more times than I can count. Sending hugs and hoping that you can feel some peace and comfort today.
Thinking of you, and sending all sorts of hugs and wishes.. my four months is coming in a couple of weeks...
It is so difficult to answer questions. I remember having to answer one a month after loosing him. My answer since I was so caught off guard was "he's okay". I also totally understand the baby shower drama. I had that problem last week!
Hang in there...Aiden's watching over you and he is so thankful you are his mom! Hugs your way!
Thanks again everyone. Raquel I got Aiden's butterfly today and it really did make me smile....I needed that today. Thank you so much....
I'm so sorry your day wasn't the greatest. I also had people asking me about my pregnancy for weeks after Olivia was gone. I wish they could have just sent a memo to everyone. Not really... I just wish everyone would have known and not ask me about how my pregnancy was going when I went back in to work. Hang in there hun. Thinking of you all. Sending you lots of (((hugs)))
<3 Mary
Thinking of you. Our precious River has been gone almost 2 years and his little brother has graced us with his presence, and I get "is this your only one?" constantly. Why does our society have to be so nosy? This is what I usually think...
I am wishing you peace as you know that baby Aiden lives in your heart, and he has touched so many through you! Hugs!!!
Thanks Deanna....I really appreciate it :) Not sure how I'll answer that question if I get it. Thinking of you and River as well.
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Lovely Little Notes....