Do you guys ever have days where you feel like just giving up? I mean just throwing in the towel and saying....."I'm done."
Today I'm not in a particularly bad or sad mood. I'm just indifferent......just blah. Nothing happened- no triggers. I just feeling a little like nothing.
And I wondered to myself........what would people do if I just gave up?
What if I just really became that girl. You know her. The girl whose baby died. The girl who everyone tiptoes around and feels bad for. The girl that everyone has pity for but at the same time kinda avoids because they might catch the baby dying plague. The girl who's feelings people forget about when they are so excited to gush and coo about babies in front of her. The girl that NO ONE wants to be. Yeah that girl.....what if I just become true to what everyone thinks......what if I just become that girl? What if I just give up?
I mean I am those things right? I am the girl whose baby died, who no one wants to be, and who people avoid if they can.
People expect me to be normal now.....I mean come on right? It's been almost 7 months. Surely I'm not still grieving. Surely I'm over "it" right? No one (except close family and my BLM friends) even mentions anymore anything related to Aiden. No one asks how I'm doing. No one wants to bring it up for fear that I might actually want to talk about my son......how selfish of me right?
And it's easy for them to ignore because I am fairly put together each day. I do put on a good front- a front that everything is ok when it's not. A front that I don't want to cry when I really could shut my office door and ball my eyes out all day long if I truly allowed myself to think about Aiden as much as I want to. A front that makes people feel I'm the same old Natasha they used to eat lunch and laugh with. I've made them feel comfortable again.
But what about me?
So maybe I should just give up and become that girl. The crazy one right? The one that flips out and everyone avoids again. The one that everyone whispers about. Maybe I should just give up and quit the front. Maybe I should just scream at the top of my lungs "I AM NOT OK! But I'm trying the best I can to be and I hide my feelings so you won't be uncomfortable." Maybe I should quit worrying about everyone's feeling and just do whatever I want to do. Maybe......
I guess for today I'm not giving up yet.....but I have to admit sometimes giving up sounds so good.
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1 year ago
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15 comments:
Oh my goodness. I am in tears after reading your post!
I can tell you one thing Mama: never give up. Thick, dark clouds will come, but the sun is always shining behind them. I promise!
Allow me to introduce myself:
Hi, I'm Rebecca, AKA the girl who kept loosing babies to miscarriage. Or, for a while at least that was me. I suffered for so long with no one to talk to. People would sometimes awkwardly ask me how I was feeling or doing, but always when I was just starting to get comfortable with the conversation and really unloading the weight on my chest, the conversation was ended and usually not brought up again. Stupid things such as, "Well, at least you never met her. It would have been worse if you had "met" her" (what??!!!) or "Every thing happens for a reason" would be said. Sorry....I don't want to hear ANY of that. Those to me are just scripted things that people say when they don't really care or even pause to understand how devastated you truly are. It sucks. Big. Fat. Period. We should not have to endure this pain. I am so sorry that you are going through this. Losing a baby to miscarriage is the worst thing that has ever happened to me, an to top it off, it happened twice. Am I angry? YES. Am I forever saddened? YES. Have I healed? yes....Will I ever forget or stop loving these little lives I lost? NO NO NO NO NO NO NO. Never! The most amazing thing is that these babies come to me in my dreams. It' happened twice, and twice it has brought me to my knees. But what an amazing gift. I pray it will happen for the rest of my life.
After my first loss, I would leave work, go get my dog, and just drive. I would drive and drive and drive. And I can honestly say that there were times I probably should not have been driving--I was too upset. Nothing made me feel better. I was lost. After my second loss, the same thing happened. Nothing helped again. I was in agony. And so, I was "that girl". The one who lost her babies. I would smile, but nothing was there. I would laugh, but it was empty. Ugh. It was awful. But...hang on. Keep blogging and talking and crying and loving. And you will see that giving up is a worse place to be than pushing on.
Stay strong. You should not have to do this, but you can. I am thinking of and praying for you! <3
Sometimes giving up does sound better than continuing on through the crap. The fakeness. I hate it. Today I thought, "I'm more comfortable with the cemetery staff that I am some family members. How messed up is that?!"
The baby dying plague... it's funny you mention that. My aunt made a comment about how my life was too depressing for her, she couldn't handle it. She was worried about her life. Like these things are contagious! People are stupid. Severely stupid.
Hang in there my friend. You can always "talk" to me about Aiden. You can send me an email or note and just tell about him. I would LOVE to hear every detail. I'm serious.
I think you need a little getaway :) I hear MN is nice this time of year! wink, wink!
I am right there with you. I have had those days. The days where I am so tired of pretending that my life is fine and that I am not sad most of the time.
I learned something this week at a Infant Loss Support Group, it takes most people 18-24 months to get through the most intense parts of grief. That is a long time. Compared to that 7 months is still the beginning stages of intense grieving.
I say just let it all go, be That Girl for awhile. Maybe that is what you need. I sometimes hate going out in public because it seems like it is just those moments when I start to cry over nothing.
I am praying for you.
You don't have to be strong all the time. Sometimes it's hard work to keep your "public face" on. So take it off every now and then. There is release and healing in allowing yourself to feel. Then, when you feel ready,,, you can put it back on again,,, if you still want to.
Rebecca thank you so much for your kind words and I am so very sorry for your losses. I love that you have dreams about them :)
Wow Tiffany......too depressing huh? Well trying living it right? I appreciate you always being there :) And you have me cracking up over here about having a getaway! Ok clearly I'm going to get on the planning :)
Thanks Rachel- yeah at not even 7 months I know I have not by any means reached the end of my grieving. In fact I know I will grieve for my son until the day I see him again. But in the meantime I try to give myself a break when I need it. Thanks you so much for your prayers....
At 7 months, you are still in the thickness of your grief and it is OK to have bad days. People shouldn't expect so much of you all the time, although I know from experience that they do. I agree with pp, take that strong face off every now and then. You are such a loving mama to Aiden. Sending you love. <3
i gave up and became that girl again and Im ok with it!! HAHA! (hence my recent posts about not grieving gracefully, etc.) I just feel like I have the right to, and I feel better! I have let everyone know I am not OK and that they'd better let me talk about Hayes or I won't be talking to them!! For me, this is the only way to improve--I have to fully feel this and act it so hopefully it won't stay around forever.
yes, you do put up a good front, even on here bc I often remark to myself about how you seem to be so much better off than me... especially your attitude :)
I want to see pics of your new armor!!
I could write this at least once a week. It helps a little to get it out, doesn't it?
I see it too, that dart of the eye or uncomfortable shift if I mention my daughter. Some are shocked I haven't "moved on" yet or that I desperately want and NEED to talk about her and for other's to just say her name. But, like you, I get up every morning and get ready for work. I try to smile at coworkers and ask about their lives. But then I come back to my desk and look at the hidden picture of my daughter and the pain starts. Isn't it amazing that we have suffered the unimaginable and are still grieving, yet we feel the need to make other people happy and comfortable?
I recently decided I would no longer do it. I am 16 months out from losing Eleanor. I cannot pretend she wasn't here, even if it was only for six, short precious days. And I cannot forget I was pregnant. And I will not forget how loved and wanted she was. So, if it makes others uncomfortable, I'm sorry. They weren't my friends anyway. Talking, writing, doing things for charity in her name, etc., are things I NEED to do to make it thruogh this with any sort of rationaility or sanity intact! (Although I fall back into the angst and guilt-ridden thoughts and utter pain of it all often.)
Relationships have changed, been lost and grown since last January. It hinders the grieving process and hurts me at times, but my outlook on life has changed dramatically. I am not the same person I was before even if the old me still pops up from time to time. I have been defined by what has happened, as have you. We are bereaved mothers. That's why I call it a secret badge of honor. I have pride in the life that was created out of love and the legacy I try to leave for my daughter as well as physical and emotional battle scars that will never let me forget (not that it would be remotely possible).
So, I wish you peace and loving memories of sweet Aiden today. I hope it is a better one for you. Keep doing what you need to do to survive. <3
I too have a family member that "doesn't know how to deal with it" and has become very distant, and will not talk about River...
ummm... I usually want to scream, "I HAVE TO DEAL WITH IT!!"
anyway, I get what you are saying, and I agree with Tiffany, that you can talk to me about Aiden whenever you'd like. I imagine he and River have become quite the pair... 2 little boys getting into trouble? ;)
I also agree with Tiffany that a trip to the Midwest should be in order, we are less than 2 hours apart!
thinking of you, and remembering Aiden always!
It's like you read my mind Natasha. I just saw pictures on fb {oh sometimes I really regret even being on there} of all my old college friends. We did EVERYTHING together a few years ago. They posted a pic of a little reunion/ get-together they had tonight and it pierced me- I should have been there too but I didn't even hear about it. I felt like 'that girl'. Ugh, now I sound like a brat! lol! I so get what you're saying tonight, and I wish people could understand that they don't have to tiptoe around us. We WANT to talk about our babies. Sometimes we NEED to be sad. But we are still people. This hits really close to home tonight, wish I could give you a hug. I am definitely feeling the blah with you. I know you will pull through, because that is the amazing woman you are, but if you need a good cry give yourself all the time you need. I read somewhere that a baby lost mama told her friend something along the lines of.. "I am going to grieve. I've EARNED it." And we have. Sending you big (((hugs)))
I think that this feeling is common, as reading through the comments, I too feel like "that girl". I too have lost friends and there is definitely a distance with family. I also hate reading fb posts about how much some friend 'treasure the people in their lives' and I want to scream "Really? I haven't heard from you in a year....is that how you treasure me???" And some of them don't even know about the loss of our child, just that I'm off on sick leave - perhaps out of sight out of mind - I just hoped that I mattered more to these folks, as they mattered to me. It's sad to realize how alone we are in our grief...
Sorry about my slow commenting.... I'm with you and am sick of worrying about how others might feel around me even 17 months later... it is completely justified to do/say what you want/feel. It is so hard to keep up the pretence that everything is OK when it isn't. We should all make a t-shirt with your quote. Love to you always xoxo
Giving up is not an option. There is no time limit when healing. You do what works for you and don't worry about what others think! Your son hadd a purpose and so do you, God is still working on your heart. Give yourself time, as much as you need! My daughter died two years ago and just last night I would have given anything to hold her again....It is just really hard....Praying for you!
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