Right Where I Am: 7 Months, 1 Week, 4 Days

Today I'm participating in Right Where I Am Project created by Angie at Still Life With Circles. I'm sure some of you have seen the posts by other moms but if not you have to check out the project.  There are so many great posts by a lot of great mamas who share where they are in this journey of grief.

So I have been wanting to write this post for a while now but for some reason I just couldn't. Don't really know why.....maybe I didn't want to think about how in this 7 months, 1 week, and 4 days time has basically stood still for me.  Maybe I just didn't want to think about how long it's really been since I held my precious Aiden in my arms.

Where am I in my grief today?

Well it really just depends on the day.  Most days I do ok.  I can smile, work, talk to people, shop for food and household items.  This is definitely a change from November when I could barely even get out of the bed.  So that's progress right?  I take baths, brush my teeth, comb my hair.  I even get my toes polished and my eyebrows waxed.  On the outside I look normal....I think.

On the inside.  Well that's a different story.  And that's where the "depends on the day" comes in to play. Most days on the inside I can be the new person I've become.  I have learned how to function in my grief. I have learned how to talk to non BLMs about non baby loss things. Sometimes I even really care. But most of the time I'm just faking it. Sigh.....I get so tired of faking it sometimes which I've blogged about before.

But then there are the bad days. The days where the grief is overwhelming. Where I miss my son so much it physically hurts. Where I am very angry. How can this be my life- yes I still ask that question every day. How is my Aiden gone.  Why can't I be with him, hold him, smell him, see him.......

There are days where I just want to give up. When I'm just done.

I want to scream and cry and throw myself on the floor in despair......I want to hide from life.  I want this all to be over.

I miss my son. I miss the life I had before. I miss being happy and carefree.

It just plain sucks.

There are days where people hurt me. People who I expected to be there for me who aren't- family and friends. There are days when I'm so mad that people ignore my grief, my son, my reality.  I hate that people expect me to just "be ok" because it's been 7 months.  I love the comment, "Well no one wants to bring it up to you because they don't want to upset you." Are you kidding me?  Like I'm just so happy right? Like hearing my son's name or hearing that someone still cares enough to ask about him or me would hurt me.  At least it wouldn't be like he never existed.

But I can't control other people.  I can't make people care enough to think of Nygel and I.  I don't even know how to make people understand that for us this will never be "over" and done with. The fact that so many people try to make me get over it is a painful thing I deal with daily. So I accept the fact that people "care" but they don't want to "hurt" me.

What I really think is this- people don't want to think about what happened to me because then....gasp....they might have to face the reality that it could happen to them. So I guess right now where I am in my grief is disgusted, fed up, shocked, and hurt by people I thought cared about me. And I'm slowly cutting people out of my life. I thought it would hurt more but it's honestly been very healing.

I think the most important thing about me right now is that I have changed in positive ways. I am dedicated to giving myself and my time to others going through what I went through in November.  I am more compassionate to people experiencing a loss- any kind of loss. I am so very very thankful for the things that God has blessed Nygel and I with- and he really has given us so much. He continues to bless us everyday and I can't say enough prayers of thanks. I treasure our time with family and friends because I know life is brief and fragile. I know things can change in a heartbeat. I do my best to be someone Aiden can look down on from Heaven and be proud of when he sees me. And I think right now I'm doing ok with that.

I miss my son with all my heart. I grieve with all my heart. But am also thankful. Thankful for the time I got to have him with me. Thankful for all the kicks, and ultrasound photos, and quiet time with just Aiden and I. I would give anything to have a moment back with him but I know that the time we had was special and perfect. I know that God gave me an amazing son and the chance to know him.  I know that Aiden has changed my life forever and that I am a better person because of him. I know that I will never get over losing him but I also know that he would want his mama to continue to grow stronger and heal. I know one day I will see him again and that gives me hope.

I will be his mama forever! I will love him forever!

And that's where I am right now......I'm Aiden's mama.