Yesterday was rough.....I struggled a lot yesterday. I cried in my closet before I left for work, I cried the WHOLE way into work, I cried in my car before I went in to the office, and I cried a little on the phone with Nygel before I got myself together.
I miss my son so much. I feel like everyday I have to put on this brave face and be happy but that's not how I always feel. I feel like the world is still going on and I'm stuck in time. I miss my son.....
It's so hard to see pregnant people and babies everywhere- work, Facebook, Target (even at my favorite store I am bombarded with pregnancy and babies). It's so hard to listen to people talk about how their babies keep them up at night with all their kicking- I just want to scream "Enjoy those kicks because I would give anything to feel my baby boy kicking again!" I am happy for everyone who has their blessings and miracles but it just serves as a constant reminder of what I don't have.....my Aiden.
I'm feeling ok this morning.....but I know that could change in an instant. I know tomorrow will be harder....Aiden would have been 5 months old tomorrow. Tomorrow will be 5 months since he went to heaven. It's unbelivable. How is my son gone? How is this my life?
Yesterday when I was driving to work I think I zoned out for a while and imagined myself in a different life- one where Aiden was here, alive, happy, kicking, laughing, crying, looking cute like his daddy. Oh what I would give to hear and see any of that.....but it's only real in my mind. *Sigh*
Again I ask......How in the world is this my life?
Just really struggling right now.......
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16 comments:
Sorry yesterday was rough. Hoping for happier tomorrows.
hugs.
I'm sorry momma! Sending you lots of hugs and wishes that today will be a little easier.
Struggling right along with you! I don't try for the happy face anymore if I'm not feeling it. It just makes things worse for me. Hoping things get easier for us all soon! Hugs!
It seems everyone's posts this week are right on! I realized this week that we are one month away from River's 2nd birthday, and I asked myself that very same question, "HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?" I didn't get a good answer, but I somehow moved past it (for now) -- I hope you find peace knowing we always think of you and Aiden! I wish we hadn't met under these circumstances, but glad we did! Much love to you, always!!
This week has been hard for me too! What is going on? Sheesh! Big hugs and many prayers right now and take hope in knowing (even though it doesn't feel like it) there will be better days and more of them. Peace and grace.
Almost everyday I looked around and wonder, "what the hell happened to my life?" I'm so sorry you are having a hard week, i hate those weeks. Things seem like they won't ever get better, how can they?! Sending you a big hug and hope that next week brings you peace.
yes, i know this feeling all too well. i think it daily. it is a constant struggle for me seeing people and their children. knowing that 5.5 mo ago my baby boy was with me. and now he's gone. and i'm still here. and lost. and missing him so much it hurts. and...(i could go on). but the 1 thing i'm not is ok. :'( all that to say, i understand.
So sorry to hear that you're struggling at the moment... my heart goes out to you and wish I could give you a big hug in person xoxo
I think we all have bad days. I am sorry that you are having one today. I too wonder how in the world this is my life.
Oh, and how dare they ruin Target for you! (smile) That's just wrong!!!
Today I feel that way. Its exhausting. i am sorry for you...I feel your pain. hope your day gets better.
~Felicia
Sorry you had a rough day Natasha. I remember those days like they were yesterday.
When I was pregnant with Eden, Target was my store. I would head straight for the baby aisle every time!
About a month after she died, I was in Target and saw a woman who was pregnant. I must have been in a daze because before I knew it I was headed for the door with unpaid merchandise in my hand! My husband was with me and called out my name, but it was so weird. I just got to thinking about how my life should have been and just lost all sense of where I was.
Time is a crazy thing because it does not heal our hurt. Don't put a time limit on your grief or feel like you should be at a certain place right now.
I am here is you need anything. ((hugs))
So sorry you had a rough start. It's not an easy journey and I also ask myself the same question... How is this my life?? Thinking of you and sending you lots of hugs! <3
Thank you so much everyone....I really appreciate your kind words :) You really are just the best- thanks for always being here for me.
xoxo
I'm so sorry it has been so rough lately. I too still ask myself "How is this my Life?" It's' so hard sometimes. Thinking of you hun. Sending prayers and hugs your way!
<3 Mary
You are so right! Sometimes it is tough! There are still times where I think I am going to wake up from this awful dream! Sending you hugs!
I have tears in my eyes.
I am sooooo profoundly sorry. I can't begin to imagine it.
My own struggle to get pregnant lasted over 3 years and it was brutal. I felt tormented by the feeling that my "Julia" (I had named her years before she was conceived) was just beyond my reach and I couldn't get to her.
I couldn't hide from pregnant women and all my friends had babies.
I even worked online in the mom community... I called myself a "work-at-home mom-to-be full-time-aunt".
Some days were okay. Some days beyond painful.
I can only imagine that losing my baby at birth would be millions of times harder, and I honestly don't know how I would survive.
My heart and prayers go out to you.
Hang on.
Even though I don't know your particular pain, I have struggled with severe depression and an extreme suicidal time when I was 19 - 22.
I think the key thing when you are in a deep depression is that you can't see past it. You can't see to the future that WILL come.
You will heal. Time will ensure it happens. But you must care for yourself so well... be soooooo kind to yourself. Imagine you are a friend and think of all the wonderful things you would say to that friend, and then say them to yourself.
I don't understand this world. I love and believe in God and nothing will make me doubt him. But I still do not understand anything about His ways.
All I know is that He is Good. He loves Aiden and you. And He is with you and helping you.
I look back at all the miracles that kept me alive through my difficult years.
I see my two beautiful girls - Julia and Sophia - and I can't believe I'm really their mother.
During my infertility, I never would have believed that I would have two perfect girls. It was beyond my wildest dreams.
You are such a strong and wonderful mother. Your baby is in heaven and I know that is the most painful reality for any mother.
But be strong.
Get help when you need it. Always, always ask for help. Be true to your grief and go through the process. But let others help you through.
I will be praying for you.
You are a wonderful mother.
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