Yesterday we received in the mail the CD of Aiden's Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep pictures.....sigh. Just when I think I'm doing ok something brings me to my knees. I miss my baby boy so much. All I could think was this is it...these are all the pictures we'll ever have of him. My precious little boy and all I have is this CD of pictures. It makes me cry even as I type this...WHY?????? Why my son, why us, why couldn't we just have him?????? I hate this- I hate it when I feel like I'm going backwards. But will there ever be a time when thoughts of Aiden won't take my breath away...not sure but I have a feeling the answer is no. I miss my son.
I spent a little time in his room last night. I smelled his clothes...I love smelling his clothes. I had washed everything in preparation for his arrival so everything smells like a baby. It's the way I imagined he would smell. Soft and sweet...a perfect little baby. I looked through his memory box from the hospital. I never noticed before but there at the bottom of the box was a small hospital band. It had my name and and "M" next to it for male. There was also a time...20:16. 8:16 pm. That's when Aiden came silently into this world. I cried so much that day I didn't think I had anything left. But at 8:16 pm when I saw his beautiful body, his head covered with hair that was exactly like my hair, his perfect face....I lost it. I cried like I have never cried before.....WHY?????? Why couldn't he cry, why couldn't we be celebrating, why could I not take him home?????
Can't stop the tears now.....so super broken. I miss my son.
Thank you Fran for this picture:
I keep repeating this quote to myself this morning....I needed this. I can't stop weeping...I miss my son.
I'd love to hear from you! 
4 comments:
I am super sorry that you are having to go through this. I wish I could say something that would make it all better,,, for all of us that lose our babies.
super broken, indeed. :( :'( that's a perfect description.
i love that quote and the pic. the pastor and this new church i'm going to said something like, even our painful experiences/moments are centered in love. that kind of blew me away. it's true. our pain is deep b/c our love for them is deep. it's pain but it's love. oddly comforting, but it doesn't make it any easier to bear. </3
Thanks My New Normal....I appreciate it. It gets so hard sometimes I can't stand it. I'm trying....
Tiffany you're right- our pain is so deep because we love them so deeply and unconditionally. It is definitely pain born out of love. Still so hard to handle....
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Lovely Little Notes....