Do You Know What Today Is????

Actually I guess the title should read "Do You Know What Last Sunday Was?" LOL! Last Sunday was my 5 year wedding anniversary. We actually got married on a Sunday and this year our anniversary fell on a Sunday as well. I'm late posting this because it's been a rough week. I'll post more about that later.

He did a great job! It was romantic, I was surprised, and I had a great time ♥

I spent a really great weekend with my husband. The man who holds my hand through the heart ache and who helps me up when I'm down. The man who always talks about our sweet Aiden to me and to Mason. Who does everything he can to help heal my broken heart. The man who shows his love for me and our children in everything he does.

I am so lucky.

I love him more than words can fully express.

When I have crappy weeks like this past one I am so blessed and lucky to come home to my Nygel. Wouldn't want to walk through this life with anyone else ♥

Happy Anniversary my love!

Mother's Day

Mother's Day this year was a different experience for me. I've been a mother for quite some time now even though most people never acknowledged that before Mason was born. But this Mother's Day was different in so many ways. Different emotions, thoughts, and I didn't feel quite the way I expected to this year.

In the weeks leading up to Mother's Day I struggled like I haven't struggled in a while. The sadness and grief were overwhelming.

May 2nd marked Aiden's 18th month in Heaven. And that was rough. I spent a lot of time in the nursery with his pictures and I cried and cried and cried some more. Then I went and found Nygel and cried for even longer. I haven't had a long cry like that in awhile and I guess I needed to get it out.

I miss him so much. So very much.

I honestly wasn't really looking forward to Mother's Day. If I can't have both of my boys with me then really what's the point? I told Nygel I just wanted a quiet day at home.

One morning while Nygel was still sleeping I took Mason into the nursery and began showing him Aiden's pictures. Now Mason has seen pictures of Aiden before but on this morning it was different. I almost fell over when his face lit up in the biggest smile I've ever seen him give! Tears sprung to my eyes and I said "Oh you know Aiden huh? You know your big brother?" And I swear he gave an even bigger smile than before. It was amazing! The look on his face was like, "Duh mama- of course I know him! That's my brother. I love that guy!"

I could not stop crying.

I ran to our room and woke Nygel up to tell him- "Mason knows Aiden!!!"

The best Mother's Day gift ever. My boys know each other. Makes my heart smile every time I think of it ♥ My Mother's Day ended up being exactly what I wanted- quiet, peaceful, full of love, and with me being surrounded by all my boys.

I hope you all had a peaceful Mother's Day. Thinking of you all and your sweet babies.

:::

Dear Aiden,

Thank you so much for being my son, my love, and forever a part of my life. I love you more than words can fully express. I am so grateful that you make yourself a part of your brother's life. I am so happy that you know each other. You are an amazing big brother as I always knew you would be. I miss you, I love, and I think of you always.

Happy 18 months sweet boy!

Love,
Mama

Sitting

Some days it continues to be unreal that Aiden is not here. Last night Nygel and I talked about him. We sat with Mason in the nursery and talked about Aiden. How our 17 month old should be here sharing family time with us. I cried. It still is so so very hard. But I also smiled as Nygel talked about the personality he knew Aiden would have. About how he pictured our firstborn son growing up- the way he would look and behave. Our sweet Aiden.

I miss him so much.

At church this past Sunday our pastor preached about Mary, Martha, and Lazarus. The sermon came from John 12:2-3:

There they made him a supper; and Martha served: 

but Lazarus was one of them that sat at the table with him.

Then took Mary a pound of ointment of spikenard, very costly, 

and anointed the feet of Jesus, and wiped his feet with her hair: 

and the house was filled with the odour of the ointment.

Our pastor went on to discuss the different actions of the siblings after Jesus brought Lazarus back from the dead. Martha served- she showed her love and appreciation by serving the meal and giving of herself. Mary sacrificed- she took the most expensive thing she owned and gave it to Jesus. Her sacrifice was so great that it filled the house. In doing this she also helped prepare his body for what was to come soon. 

But here is where the story took an interesting turn for me.

How did Lazarus act after being raised from the dead? He just sat there. And this is what Jesus wanted him to do.

Hmmmmm.....

Why would Jesus want Lazarus to just sit there?

Well in the sermon on Sunday my pastor described exactly why. Jesus wanted this to show what He was capable of doing. To show that if you believe and have faith in Him, He can bring you back from anything.....in Lazarus's case from being dead.

Our pastor went on to say that at some point we have all been Lazarus. Maybe not physically dead but none the less, dead in some way. And that really hit home. When we lost Aiden I may as well have been dead. I didn't care about anything other than the fact that my child was gone. All my thoughts centered around the fact that my life might as well be over. 

And yet somehow 17 months later here I am.

As the sermon continued this was posed to the congregation- "Think about where you were just a year ago." 

"Ok is he talking directly to me?????" was the thought running through my mind.

My heart stopped just a little as I considered this. 

Last year at this time I was numb, broken, and felt like life could just go on without me. I wanted to die without my son. I wasn't physically dead, but I really feel like I was as close as I could get to it. 

This year I still mourn my son's death. I still cannot believe he is gone and that I won't see him again until I leave this earth. But I also have joy and happiness that I never thought I would experience again. I love my family and the time that I share with them everyday. And I love that no matter what we include Aiden in our lives in everything we do. He is a part of every day conversations, his pictures are all over the house, and we talk to Mason about him whenever we can. Although I am missing an important piece of myself and forever will, I am not dead anymore.

Wow. That's an amazing thought.

I don't know that Jesus is sitting me up for anyone to look at right now. But maybe one day I can help someone else. Maybe one day I will be able to say "it's hard, terrible, and incredibly unfair the cross you've been given to bear. But one day you will experience happiness in your life again. It will always be intertwined with bits of sadness. BUT you will feel it again one day."

There are many women who I've had the opportunity to watch as they "sat". And as I look at their incredible strength and grace I am always thankful to be blessed with the opportunity to have that hope placed in my life. I draw strength from their strength.

So now I have a little more understanding of the story of Mary, Martha, and Lazarus. I never saw myself sharing a connection with Lazarus. But just as Jesus brought him back from the dead, I feel like slowly I am being brought back to life as well.

You know I hesitate to write things like this sometimes. For one reason I know it's hard for people who are struggling terribly with their grief to hear that "it's going to get better". It was hard for me for a long time to hear that even from other BLMs.  I also take pause because I don't want anyone for a second to think I am "over" losing Aiden. I will never be over it. In my mind it's not something to get over. His loss is something I will carry with me forever. I will carry him in my heart forever. So when I say I'm doing ok it doesn't mean I forgot about Aiden because I have another child now. It doesn't mean I'm cured and so now safe to talk to again. It definitely doesn't mean that stupid comments don't still cut like a knife.

It simply means I'm healing. I'm hoping. I'm trying to let love fill me up as much as possible.

And I'm always missing and loving my Aiden.

Happy 17th months my sweet boy! 

~ Love Mama

Haven of Hope Retreat

Last year I had the chance to attend an amazing retreat for mothers grieving the loss of a child. I blogged about it here. The Haven of Hope Retreat was a great weekend filled with lots of love, lots of tears, and also lots of hope. I had the chance to meet so many new moms who totally got where I was coming from- no explanation needed. And the best part? I got to talk openly about my sweet Aiden without worrying what other people would think. I was really such a good experience. I am so thankful for the friends I made at this retreat as they have continued to give me support when it is much needed.

The retreat is being held again this summer and I just wanted to share that registration is open if you are interested in attending. Please visit the link below to view the website and register for the weekend.



I really hope to see some of you there this year!

March for Babies 2012

The past few days have been rough. I just want to say thank you for all your support. It really means so much. This morning I want to share something important to me with you all.

Nygel and I are participating in the March of Dimes walk again this year. The March for Babies is being held April 29th here and I'm hoping to raise close to the amount I raised last year. I've set my goal at $1000 which seems like a lot but it means so much to me to donate to this important cause so I'm going for it again! If you would like to donate to my March for Babies walk in memory of Aiden you can click the link below and it will take you right over:

http://www.marchforbabies.org/njackson07

Also if you love jewelry then check out the online Silpada fundraiser my friend Bethany is putting on right now. It's called "Shop For Healthier Babies" and if you purchase a piece of jewelry online from my Silpada party Bethany will donate part of the money from the sale directly to the March of Dimes. Isn't that just amazing? Thank you so so much Bethany!

To place an online order for the fundraiser please follow these steps:

• Visit www.mysilpada.com/bethany.earl1, chose the pieces you love and add them to your shopping cart. 
• When you are done shopping click the "Checkout" link and you will be prompted to sign up as a new customer. 
• Once signed in, click the "View Hostess List" button and select Natasha Jackson. 
• You will then be able to continue the ordering process.

This jewelry is really fabulous and such a great quality. And I love Bethany for offering to host this amazing fundraiser to help raise money for our March for Babies team. So if you need gifts for Easter, birthdays, Mother's Day, or graduations please take a moment and check it out. Shopping online for the fundraiser can be done now through March 21, 2012. So get those orders in if you're interested!

If you are doing a March for Babies walk in your area I'd like to wish you good luck in fundraising!!! It really is such a worthy cause- helping families have healthier baies. And thank you-thank you-thank you to all the sweet friends who have already donated to my walk! It means so much to have your support!

Missing a 16 month old boy

*This post was started on 3/11/12. I was so overcome with missing Aiden that I had to walk away from the computer. After a lot of tears I was able to come back and finish it. I love you Aiden forever and always*

Yep that's you little man- 16 months. I think you know how much I miss you. What I hope you know is that even though life has gotten hectic and crazy you are on my mind every day. In the midst of all the things that make up the day you are always near my thoughts.

Things are changing and in some ways that's good. But there have also been some hard/sad changes in our life as well. And as always I hate that changes mean that time is going on and taking us further and further away from the last time we were with you.

Your great grandmother left this earth last month just a few days after your 15 month anniversary. I know you are enjoying her in Heaven. I just KNOW she is smothering you with kisses and lots of loving. When you dad first told me his grandmother passed away I immediately thought of you. How you would have one more person to love you up close. It's funny how I look at death now. It's not that a life is over. It's a new life beginning for that person. And for your great grandma or Mimi as I know you are calling her- it's a new life with a lot of special people including you sweet boy.

I love how your grandfather (Big Daddy to you) never forgets you. Your grandfather wrote and read a very sweet poem at your memorial service. That poem has since been put on bookmarks and 8 x 10 picture paper with your beautiful picture so it could be framed. Your grandfather did all of this. I love that he always remembers you.

When I called to tell him I was so sorry that his mother was no longer with us I shared with him that I knew she was with you and your Papa. And that you were all happy together. He said to me, "Hold on, I want to read you something." He read me the most beautiful poem that he wrote to your great grandmother and at the end he talked about how her mother, her husband (your Papa), and her great grandson (that's you little man) would be waiting for her in Heaven. I love how your grandfather never forgets you. And when we went to the funeral the program listed the three of you as loved ones waiting for her in Heaven. Your grandfather didn't just write great grandson or Aiden though. He wrote your whole name- Aiden William Jackson. I know this might not seem like a big deal to some people but to me it was HUGE. I love that you grandfather always remembers to remember you. I love how he makes you an important part of our lives even though you live so far away.

Funerals always remind me of how fragile life is. They remind me of you and your memorial service. Of the beautiful urn that sits by the bed every day and that I look at every night before I go to sleep. They remind me of your sweet little life and how you were taken from us way too soon.

My biggest fear is that you are alone. That even though I think these loved ones are with you, you're really all by yourself. That you need my arms around you and I'm not there. I hate that I'm not there.....

I wish I could do more. I can't tell you how much my heart is breaking right now. I had to stop typing this post for a while to get myself together. The feeling- the heart stopping, breath stealing feeling- of missing you that is every where around me right now is holding on and not letting go. It's amazing how quickly it can creep in and take over.......

At 16 months I miss you just as much as I did the second I knew you were gone. And I know even when it's been 16 years I will still miss you just the same.

I love you forever and always my sweet boy. You will always fill my heart and although remembering sometimes brings a lot of pain it is only because I love you so very much.

Love you baby,
Mama

An Amazing Post

via

I know many of you know who Franchesca is- she's designed so many of our blogs and creates the most beautiful and inspirational word art. She has shared her sweet Jenna Belle and her huge beautiful heart with us all. I am so very fortunate to know her in real life and to call her my friend. Fran recently posted one of the best blog posts for grieving moms that I've ever read. Seriously.

If you haven't seen her post titled "When You Lose A Baby" please click here and take a minute to read it. I could relate to every word, every emotion. I'm sure many of you can as well. It helps me so much to know that even though I'm 15 months out from losing Aiden, my feelings are not crazy and it's ok to continue to grieve. I am not alone. There are women out there that "get" it.

And for family and friends who may be reading this blog because you know someone who lost a baby- I hope it helps you gain a better insight into the tremendous pain that is felt when a child is loss. Maybe you'll understand a little more where your loved one is living in this moment. The pain doesn't go away. We love our children forever. We miss our children forever.

Remembering Ann & Reese

Today I'm remembering two special little twin girls with a lot of love- Ann and Reese. Their mommy Sarah is one of my dear BLM friends that I am fortunate enough to know in real life. She has been an incredible lifeline to me over the last year. I am so grateful that she was kind enough to reach out to me when I needed it the most. I've talked about her and her girls before and today I ask that you remember with me Ann and Reese who have been in Heaven for 4 years today. Sweet sweet girls who have a sweet sweet mama ♥

Dear Aiden

Dear Aiden,

Sweet boy today you have been in Heaven for 15 months. I miss you just as much today as I did the day I found out you would not be coming home with us. I wonder what you are doing today....I wish I could know. One day though my sweet boy, one day.

Last year on February 1st I began writing this blog as a way to work through the overwhelming pain and sadness I was experiencing after losing you. I can't believe I have been writing here for a year. I can't believe you have been gone that long. I am so grateful for this blog. It gave me a chance to write down my feelings about you and how much I miss you. I know that you know the words I write on this blog. I am so thankful that I have this special place to share you and your life and how much I love and miss you.

This blog also gave me a chance to meet some amazing moms who have babies living in Heaven too. I know that you are good friends with some of those sweet babies. I kinda think you had a hand in sending my BLM friends to me (many through this blog) because you knew I needed people to love and support me. And boy did you pick some great ones! Thank you so much ♥

So much is going on right now baby boy. Both good and bad. Happy and scary. And I know you know all of that. I hope you stay close to all of us as we go through all the things life has placed in our path. I know you were there when your little cousin was born yesterday afternoon. I'm sure you whispered something sweet that only he could hear. I know you are with Mason always.....for that I am so grateful. Your brother will always have you watching over him which means so much. I love that despite being so far away you are always so.very.close. I love you Aiden.

Today is your Granny's birthday. She went outside on the patio this morning and looked up at the sky and her first words were, "Today is Aiden's anniversary." The anniversary of the day we met you. And the day we said goodbye. It's unbelievable to think that was 15 months ago. I love that you were the first thought in her mind on her birthday. I hope you give her a sweet reminder today that you are close to her. I know it would make her birthday extra special.

I had the chance to talk about you this week. And I cried. Of course I did- you know mom is a crier. But I love that I can talk about you. My tears are because you are so loved and missed. Although it hurts to talk about you not being here it means so much to talk about your sweet precious life. You were here. And I love you. I'm so happy that I got to share that with someone new this week....someone who agreed that you were and are a totally special and amazing part of our family. It's aways crazy how a stranger can get that sometimes.

Please remember I love you baby boy......forever and always. I miss you like crazy and I can't wait for the day I get to see you again ♥

Love,
Mama

Fix You.....

I shared in this post the lovely slide show my husband made in October to remember our sweet little Aiden and the time we had with him....it was simply beautiful.

Fix You was one of the songs Nygel used in the slide show. Completely fitting because all he has tried to do since we lost Aiden is fix me. I have this song on my current play list and I cry every time I hear it. I wish I didn't have to be fixed.......

I looked into the song in more detail and learned that the song is thought to have been written by Chris Martin for his wife Gwyneth Paltrow after her father passed away. It was a song to help someone grieving a terrible loss. Supposedly when she returned from the hospital after her father passed she told Chris he was the only one who could fix her.

I get that. I would not be standing today if Nygel had not spent the last 14 months trying to fix me. I am truly blessed.

The song lyrics are often stuck in my head these days. Especially these words:

And the tears come streaming down your face

When you lose something you can't replace 

When you love someone, but it goes to waste 

Could it be worse?

I've lost something so dear and precious....someone who can never be replaced. Aiden isn't here and that is so horrible and wrong.

But some how on this journey, on this terrible road, I'm slowly becoming fixed. 

Now let's get this straight- I am in no way my old self.  I'm no longer the girl who was naive to the terrible tragedies that can occur when you are trying to bring a new life into this world. I'm still struggling and will always long for my Aiden. I can't tolerate a bunch of crap and people who don't appreciate their precious children make me sick. I will NEVER be the old me. I will ALWAYS have sad/hard/overwhelmingly horrible days. I will still always wonder why my little Aiden is not here with us. Having Mason does not remove the pain of losing Aiden. I will forever work to make sure Aiden's life is remembered.

But the love of my husband, my sweet sweet children, and the hope I have for the future has slowly, slowly, slowly begun to build me back up. I'm not fixed and I know never will be completely. But I have faith that I will continue to heal and become the best new me I can be. And all I can do is my best.

Tears stream down on your face

When you lose something you cannot replace 

Tears stream down on your face 

And I... 

Lights will guide you home 

And ignite your bones 

And I will try to fix you

My Family