Right Now

I haven't posted in a while.....a long while. Life has been taken up with regular things. We spend our days watching Mason grow and change and be this amazing little person. And that makes me happy. He makes us happy. We smile more than I ever believed was possible again. He is an incredible boy ♥

But I still feel pain from what should have been. I feel sadness when I think of who I expected myself to be right now and the loss of who I was. I feel hurt when I remember the life that Nygel and I dreamed of for ourselves. The plans we made that have been forever changed.

Forever.

I miss this space. My space. Our space. Me and Aiden. The place where I can come to talk about him and get out all the emotions bottled up inside me. Where I can share him freely. There's so much on my heart lately. So many overwhelming thoughts and feelings.

November 2nd is so close. Closer and closer every day........

It's unreal.

Usually I reserve the word "meltdown" for Mason. He can go from happy to majorly upset in a matter of seconds. Playing with his toys and running around joyfully turns into crocodile tears and outstretched arms that only want mama 2.5 seconds later. I am always amazed at how fast his mood can change.....peaceful to meltdown.

And then I realized just how much Mase and I have in common when it comes to meltdowns. Because mine come on in a matter of seconds also. I'm happy and calm one minute and then moments later I'm a crying mess.

My own personal meltdowns.

I've been having a few lately. Meltdowns over how close his second birthday is to being here. Over how much I wish I could be doing for him every day. Over how incredibly unfair it is that my first born son is not here with us. Over how badly I miss him. So much. All.the.time.

Meltdowns for days. 

I think his birthday this year will be quiet again. Just our little family. I hope and pray that he can feel how much we love and miss him. Always.

And I try to remember that each day that goes by brings me a little closer to him again.

I love you Aiden. Always.

Ugly Horrible Grief

Grief is something that is constantly a part of my life. Constant in the life of every BLM I know. It changes but it never goes away.

I know that most people on the outside looking in think that everything is fine over this way. We have our second son who brings us incredible joy. We work. We smile. We take pictures. We spend time with family and friends.

And most days things are ok.

But grief has this insanely stealth way of sneaking back in....no matter how hard you try to escape. In the dark it slips past your best defenses and attacks you when you least expect it.

Dramatic? Maybe. But that's how I'm feeling right now.

This week as been incredibly rough. Full of ugly, nasty, horrible grief.

Monday I woke up at about 2:45 am. Not because of a hungry, teething baby needing some loving from mama. But because of memories of another sweet baby. A baby who I can only mother and love from a far no matter how much I wish otherwise.

It's funny how some memories from those first few days are so vivid. The one that hit me early on Monday morning was a conversation I had with the funeral home director the day after I left the hospital. We were discussing exactly what would happen with Aiden and the options we had at that point. What an effin conversation to have. Never in my life did I think I would be discussing my baby's final arrangements around a big walnut conference table with a box of tissue covered with a gold plated box placed directly in front of me because of my nonstop flow of tears. With everyone looking at me like I could pass out at any moment. And how in the world did I manage not to pass out? Because I was seriously ready to die with Aiden. Passing out would have at least given me some kind of relief.

As I spoke with the funeral director about what they would do with my son's body until his memorial service I lost it. I cried uncontrollably and I told her that she had to take care of him and that I was having a hard time dealing with the fact that I had to leave him. But that was only part of it. My entire thought was "what kind of horrible awful mother would leave their child?" Yep that was me- the most horrible mother in the world. I left my child. How the hell could I leave him with strangers? Rationally I knew he was already gone from this world but who the hell is rational when their child dies? All I could think was that I was the worst mother ever. I left my baby.

And that's where I was this Monday morning. Right back in that moment where I left him. Where I became the world's worst mother. Not only did I not save Aiden but then I turned around and left him in a strange place with strange people. WTF was wrong with me?

I wish I could have saved him. More than anything I wish I could have saved my son.

I hate this grief. I hate that it can take me right back to those moments that are filled with the most pain I've ever felt in my life. I recognize that the pain I feel is the price I pay for loving Aiden and for carrying him in my heart always. It's just that when it comes the grief and pain is relentless. I feel like I can't breathe sometimes. My arms long to hold Aiden just one more time.

This week has been really bad- off and on crying and meltdowns. The constant thought is my head has been "I wish I could have saved him." I can't stop thinking about why my little guy is not here with me.

My heart is breaking all over again......


Dear Aiden,

I love you so much baby boy. I miss you so much it hurts. Seriously. I cannot believe that it has been 21 months since I held you. I can't believe that 2 years is so so so close. It seems like just yesterday that I had you in my arms. I know you know how much I love and miss you but I wish I could say it with you right here. Sitting in my lap. And sharing kisses with me afterwards. 

It's so hard sometimes. Things will seem ok and then some small thing will remind me of how much I've lost- the things that I will never have because you are not here. Like having both my boys tearing up the house and getting into everything.....together. I feel so robbed of the chance to see you and Masey together. Playing, laughing, being boys. We have all lost so much.

Thank you for the sweet reminders you have set me lately. It helps to know that you are never too far away. Although it's not enough I'm grateful to have something to help me through the tough times. 

I love you Aiden always and forever. 

Love,
Mama

20 Months.......Wow

Dear Aiden,

I can't believe this month you have been in Heaven for 20 months. There is something about that 2 at the beginning of the number that takes my breath away.

20 months...........

How is it possible that in just a few short months it will have been 2 years. November 2nd will have come twice since the day you were born. It just doesn't seen like so much time has gone by. You feel so close and yet so far away. I wish I could put into words a little better how I'm feeling but it's hard.

All I know is that I still think of you every single day. And I love you more than words can fully express. I can't wait until your brother is old enough to really understand who you are when we show him your pictures and talk about you.

I need to begin planing how we'll celebrate your birthday this year. I'd like to make a cake and I've been thinking of taking some cake decorating classes. We'll see how that goes- hopefully my cakes are pretty enough for your birthday :)

Thank you for all the sweet little reminders you send to me so often. It helps to know that you think of me just as I think of you ♥ And I've needed that these last few weeks.

Remember that you are always on our minds and hearts. I love you always my sweet boy ♥

Love,
Mama

Dear Aiden- 19 Months

Dear Aiden,

It's actually a pretty quiet morning around the house and it is just the perfect time to write to you. Right now it's just me and Cami that are awake. Your little dog is so funny- and so not little! She's about 72 pounds right now! I know, such a big girl! I just know you would get a kick out of all the craziness she does. Like stealing the cat's food, chasing rabbits in the neighborhood, and barking at the doorbell ringing on tv. Seriously hilarious baby boy :)

Today my heart feels a little lighter. I'm not really sure why. But it's a welcome thing so I hold on tight to it whenever the feeling hits me. I know you have a hand in helping me breathe a little easier some days. And I thank you for that.

Things are boring and peaceful around here these days. But I like boring and peaceful. It gives me a chance to focus on the things that matter the most- you, your daddy, your brother. You all fill my heart up so much. It's amazing how much love you can hold inside for another person. Thank you for helping to fill not just my heart but my spirit and soul as well.

I can't believe that yesterday you were 19 months old! I know I say that every month but seriously, it's such a crazy thing. I miss you. I wish you were here. I love you so very much.

I want you to remember that no matter what direction life takes me you are always being carried in my heart. Every step of the way you are along for the ride. Just like you were when I carried you inside me- my little partner in crime. It's kinda nice to think about how you're always with me especially when times get tough.

I hope Heaven is wonderfully amazing today! I hope that you and your little angel baby friends make some amazing paintings- I'll be watching the sky tonight. I hope that you get lots of snuggles and kisses from Mimi and Papa. I hope that you know every second of every minute you are on my mind and in my heart.

I love you forever and always,
Mama

Do You Know What Today Is????

Actually I guess the title should read "Do You Know What Last Sunday Was?" LOL! Last Sunday was my 5 year wedding anniversary. We actually got married on a Sunday and this year our anniversary fell on a Sunday as well. I'm late posting this because it's been a rough week. I'll post more about that later.

He did a great job! It was romantic, I was surprised, and I had a great time ♥

I spent a really great weekend with my husband. The man who holds my hand through the heart ache and who helps me up when I'm down. The man who always talks about our sweet Aiden to me and to Mason. Who does everything he can to help heal my broken heart. The man who shows his love for me and our children in everything he does.

I am so lucky.

I love him more than words can fully express.

When I have crappy weeks like this past one I am so blessed and lucky to come home to my Nygel. Wouldn't want to walk through this life with anyone else ♥

Happy Anniversary my love!

Mother's Day

Mother's Day this year was a different experience for me. I've been a mother for quite some time now even though most people never acknowledged that before Mason was born. But this Mother's Day was different in so many ways. Different emotions, thoughts, and I didn't feel quite the way I expected to this year.

In the weeks leading up to Mother's Day I struggled like I haven't struggled in a while. The sadness and grief were overwhelming.

May 2nd marked Aiden's 18th month in Heaven. And that was rough. I spent a lot of time in the nursery with his pictures and I cried and cried and cried some more. Then I went and found Nygel and cried for even longer. I haven't had a long cry like that in awhile and I guess I needed to get it out.

I miss him so much. So very much.

I honestly wasn't really looking forward to Mother's Day. If I can't have both of my boys with me then really what's the point? I told Nygel I just wanted a quiet day at home.

One morning while Nygel was still sleeping I took Mason into the nursery and began showing him Aiden's pictures. Now Mason has seen pictures of Aiden before but on this morning it was different. I almost fell over when his face lit up in the biggest smile I've ever seen him give! Tears sprung to my eyes and I said "Oh you know Aiden huh? You know your big brother?" And I swear he gave an even bigger smile than before. It was amazing! The look on his face was like, "Duh mama- of course I know him! That's my brother. I love that guy!"

I could not stop crying.

I ran to our room and woke Nygel up to tell him- "Mason knows Aiden!!!"

The best Mother's Day gift ever. My boys know each other. Makes my heart smile every time I think of it ♥ My Mother's Day ended up being exactly what I wanted- quiet, peaceful, full of love, and with me being surrounded by all my boys.

I hope you all had a peaceful Mother's Day. Thinking of you all and your sweet babies.

:::

Dear Aiden,

Thank you so much for being my son, my love, and forever a part of my life. I love you more than words can fully express. I am so grateful that you make yourself a part of your brother's life. I am so happy that you know each other. You are an amazing big brother as I always knew you would be. I miss you, I love, and I think of you always.

Happy 18 months sweet boy!

Love,
Mama

Sitting

Some days it continues to be unreal that Aiden is not here. Last night Nygel and I talked about him. We sat with Mason in the nursery and talked about Aiden. How our 17 month old should be here sharing family time with us. I cried. It still is so so very hard. But I also smiled as Nygel talked about the personality he knew Aiden would have. About how he pictured our firstborn son growing up- the way he would look and behave. Our sweet Aiden.

I miss him so much.

At church this past Sunday our pastor preached about Mary, Martha, and Lazarus. The sermon came from John 12:2-3:

There they made him a supper; and Martha served: 

but Lazarus was one of them that sat at the table with him.

Then took Mary a pound of ointment of spikenard, very costly, 

and anointed the feet of Jesus, and wiped his feet with her hair: 

and the house was filled with the odour of the ointment.

Our pastor went on to discuss the different actions of the siblings after Jesus brought Lazarus back from the dead. Martha served- she showed her love and appreciation by serving the meal and giving of herself. Mary sacrificed- she took the most expensive thing she owned and gave it to Jesus. Her sacrifice was so great that it filled the house. In doing this she also helped prepare his body for what was to come soon. 

But here is where the story took an interesting turn for me.

How did Lazarus act after being raised from the dead? He just sat there. And this is what Jesus wanted him to do.

Hmmmmm.....

Why would Jesus want Lazarus to just sit there?

Well in the sermon on Sunday my pastor described exactly why. Jesus wanted this to show what He was capable of doing. To show that if you believe and have faith in Him, He can bring you back from anything.....in Lazarus's case from being dead.

Our pastor went on to say that at some point we have all been Lazarus. Maybe not physically dead but none the less, dead in some way. And that really hit home. When we lost Aiden I may as well have been dead. I didn't care about anything other than the fact that my child was gone. All my thoughts centered around the fact that my life might as well be over. 

And yet somehow 17 months later here I am.

As the sermon continued this was posed to the congregation- "Think about where you were just a year ago." 

"Ok is he talking directly to me?????" was the thought running through my mind.

My heart stopped just a little as I considered this. 

Last year at this time I was numb, broken, and felt like life could just go on without me. I wanted to die without my son. I wasn't physically dead, but I really feel like I was as close as I could get to it. 

This year I still mourn my son's death. I still cannot believe he is gone and that I won't see him again until I leave this earth. But I also have joy and happiness that I never thought I would experience again. I love my family and the time that I share with them everyday. And I love that no matter what we include Aiden in our lives in everything we do. He is a part of every day conversations, his pictures are all over the house, and we talk to Mason about him whenever we can. Although I am missing an important piece of myself and forever will, I am not dead anymore.

Wow. That's an amazing thought.

I don't know that Jesus is sitting me up for anyone to look at right now. But maybe one day I can help someone else. Maybe one day I will be able to say "it's hard, terrible, and incredibly unfair the cross you've been given to bear. But one day you will experience happiness in your life again. It will always be intertwined with bits of sadness. BUT you will feel it again one day."

There are many women who I've had the opportunity to watch as they "sat". And as I look at their incredible strength and grace I am always thankful to be blessed with the opportunity to have that hope placed in my life. I draw strength from their strength.

So now I have a little more understanding of the story of Mary, Martha, and Lazarus. I never saw myself sharing a connection with Lazarus. But just as Jesus brought him back from the dead, I feel like slowly I am being brought back to life as well.

You know I hesitate to write things like this sometimes. For one reason I know it's hard for people who are struggling terribly with their grief to hear that "it's going to get better". It was hard for me for a long time to hear that even from other BLMs.  I also take pause because I don't want anyone for a second to think I am "over" losing Aiden. I will never be over it. In my mind it's not something to get over. His loss is something I will carry with me forever. I will carry him in my heart forever. So when I say I'm doing ok it doesn't mean I forgot about Aiden because I have another child now. It doesn't mean I'm cured and so now safe to talk to again. It definitely doesn't mean that stupid comments don't still cut like a knife.

It simply means I'm healing. I'm hoping. I'm trying to let love fill me up as much as possible.

And I'm always missing and loving my Aiden.

Happy 17th months my sweet boy! 

~ Love Mama

Haven of Hope Retreat

Last year I had the chance to attend an amazing retreat for mothers grieving the loss of a child. I blogged about it here. The Haven of Hope Retreat was a great weekend filled with lots of love, lots of tears, and also lots of hope. I had the chance to meet so many new moms who totally got where I was coming from- no explanation needed. And the best part? I got to talk openly about my sweet Aiden without worrying what other people would think. I was really such a good experience. I am so thankful for the friends I made at this retreat as they have continued to give me support when it is much needed.

The retreat is being held again this summer and I just wanted to share that registration is open if you are interested in attending. Please visit the link below to view the website and register for the weekend.



I really hope to see some of you there this year!

March for Babies 2012

The past few days have been rough. I just want to say thank you for all your support. It really means so much. This morning I want to share something important to me with you all.

Nygel and I are participating in the March of Dimes walk again this year. The March for Babies is being held April 29th here and I'm hoping to raise close to the amount I raised last year. I've set my goal at $1000 which seems like a lot but it means so much to me to donate to this important cause so I'm going for it again! If you would like to donate to my March for Babies walk in memory of Aiden you can click the link below and it will take you right over:

http://www.marchforbabies.org/njackson07

Also if you love jewelry then check out the online Silpada fundraiser my friend Bethany is putting on right now. It's called "Shop For Healthier Babies" and if you purchase a piece of jewelry online from my Silpada party Bethany will donate part of the money from the sale directly to the March of Dimes. Isn't that just amazing? Thank you so so much Bethany!

To place an online order for the fundraiser please follow these steps:

• Visit www.mysilpada.com/bethany.earl1, chose the pieces you love and add them to your shopping cart. 
• When you are done shopping click the "Checkout" link and you will be prompted to sign up as a new customer. 
• Once signed in, click the "View Hostess List" button and select Natasha Jackson. 
• You will then be able to continue the ordering process.

This jewelry is really fabulous and such a great quality. And I love Bethany for offering to host this amazing fundraiser to help raise money for our March for Babies team. So if you need gifts for Easter, birthdays, Mother's Day, or graduations please take a moment and check it out. Shopping online for the fundraiser can be done now through March 21, 2012. So get those orders in if you're interested!

If you are doing a March for Babies walk in your area I'd like to wish you good luck in fundraising!!! It really is such a worthy cause- helping families have healthier baies. And thank you-thank you-thank you to all the sweet friends who have already donated to my walk! It means so much to have your support!

Missing a 16 month old boy

*This post was started on 3/11/12. I was so overcome with missing Aiden that I had to walk away from the computer. After a lot of tears I was able to come back and finish it. I love you Aiden forever and always*

Yep that's you little man- 16 months. I think you know how much I miss you. What I hope you know is that even though life has gotten hectic and crazy you are on my mind every day. In the midst of all the things that make up the day you are always near my thoughts.

Things are changing and in some ways that's good. But there have also been some hard/sad changes in our life as well. And as always I hate that changes mean that time is going on and taking us further and further away from the last time we were with you.

Your great grandmother left this earth last month just a few days after your 15 month anniversary. I know you are enjoying her in Heaven. I just KNOW she is smothering you with kisses and lots of loving. When you dad first told me his grandmother passed away I immediately thought of you. How you would have one more person to love you up close. It's funny how I look at death now. It's not that a life is over. It's a new life beginning for that person. And for your great grandma or Mimi as I know you are calling her- it's a new life with a lot of special people including you sweet boy.

I love how your grandfather (Big Daddy to you) never forgets you. Your grandfather wrote and read a very sweet poem at your memorial service. That poem has since been put on bookmarks and 8 x 10 picture paper with your beautiful picture so it could be framed. Your grandfather did all of this. I love that he always remembers you.

When I called to tell him I was so sorry that his mother was no longer with us I shared with him that I knew she was with you and your Papa. And that you were all happy together. He said to me, "Hold on, I want to read you something." He read me the most beautiful poem that he wrote to your great grandmother and at the end he talked about how her mother, her husband (your Papa), and her great grandson (that's you little man) would be waiting for her in Heaven. I love how your grandfather never forgets you. And when we went to the funeral the program listed the three of you as loved ones waiting for her in Heaven. Your grandfather didn't just write great grandson or Aiden though. He wrote your whole name- Aiden William Jackson. I know this might not seem like a big deal to some people but to me it was HUGE. I love that you grandfather always remembers to remember you. I love how he makes you an important part of our lives even though you live so far away.

Funerals always remind me of how fragile life is. They remind me of you and your memorial service. Of the beautiful urn that sits by the bed every day and that I look at every night before I go to sleep. They remind me of your sweet little life and how you were taken from us way too soon.

My biggest fear is that you are alone. That even though I think these loved ones are with you, you're really all by yourself. That you need my arms around you and I'm not there. I hate that I'm not there.....

I wish I could do more. I can't tell you how much my heart is breaking right now. I had to stop typing this post for a while to get myself together. The feeling- the heart stopping, breath stealing feeling- of missing you that is every where around me right now is holding on and not letting go. It's amazing how quickly it can creep in and take over.......

At 16 months I miss you just as much as I did the second I knew you were gone. And I know even when it's been 16 years I will still miss you just the same.

I love you forever and always my sweet boy. You will always fill my heart and although remembering sometimes brings a lot of pain it is only because I love you so very much.

Love you baby,
Mama