Missing a 16 month old boy

*This post was started on 3/11/12. I was so overcome with missing Aiden that I had to walk away from the computer. After a lot of tears I was able to come back and finish it. I love you Aiden forever and always*

Yep that's you little man- 16 months. I think you know how much I miss you. What I hope you know is that even though life has gotten hectic and crazy you are on my mind every day. In the midst of all the things that make up the day you are always near my thoughts.

Things are changing and in some ways that's good. But there have also been some hard/sad changes in our life as well. And as always I hate that changes mean that time is going on and taking us further and further away from the last time we were with you.

Your great grandmother left this earth last month just a few days after your 15 month anniversary. I know you are enjoying her in Heaven. I just KNOW she is smothering you with kisses and lots of loving. When you dad first told me his grandmother passed away I immediately thought of you. How you would have one more person to love you up close. It's funny how I look at death now. It's not that a life is over. It's a new life beginning for that person. And for your great grandma or Mimi as I know you are calling her- it's a new life with a lot of special people including you sweet boy.

I love how your grandfather (Big Daddy to you) never forgets you. Your grandfather wrote and read a very sweet poem at your memorial service. That poem has since been put on bookmarks and 8 x 10 picture paper with your beautiful picture so it could be framed. Your grandfather did all of this. I love that he always remembers you.

When I called to tell him I was so sorry that his mother was no longer with us I shared with him that I knew she was with you and your Papa. And that you were all happy together. He said to me, "Hold on, I want to read you something." He read me the most beautiful poem that he wrote to your great grandmother and at the end he talked about how her mother, her husband (your Papa), and her great grandson (that's you little man) would be waiting for her in Heaven. I love how your grandfather never forgets you. And when we went to the funeral the program listed the three of you as loved ones waiting for her in Heaven. Your grandfather didn't just write great grandson or Aiden though. He wrote your whole name- Aiden William Jackson. I know this might not seem like a big deal to some people but to me it was HUGE. I love that you grandfather always remembers to remember you. I love how he makes you an important part of our lives even though you live so far away.

Funerals always remind me of how fragile life is. They remind me of you and your memorial service. Of the beautiful urn that sits by the bed every day and that I look at every night before I go to sleep. They remind me of your sweet little life and how you were taken from us way too soon.

My biggest fear is that you are alone. That even though I think these loved ones are with you, you're really all by yourself. That you need my arms around you and I'm not there. I hate that I'm not there.....

I wish I could do more. I can't tell you how much my heart is breaking right now. I had to stop typing this post for a while to get myself together. The feeling- the heart stopping, breath stealing feeling- of missing you that is every where around me right now is holding on and not letting go. It's amazing how quickly it can creep in and take over.......

At 16 months I miss you just as much as I did the second I knew you were gone. And I know even when it's been 16 years I will still miss you just the same.

I love you forever and always my sweet boy. You will always fill my heart and although remembering sometimes brings a lot of pain it is only because I love you so very much.

Love you baby,
Mama