My house is quiet this morning, a rare thing at 6:30 am. Usually Mason is up watching Mickey Mouse Clubhouse in between running circles around the dog and cats while throwing toys left and right. Usually I'm rushing to get ready for work and sneaking in hugs and kisses in between brushing my teeth and combing my hair. Usually I'm trying to feed Cam and make sure she goes out to potty while keeping Mason from running outside with her. Morning are really hectic.
But not this morning. This morning my house is quiet. My boys are sleeping and it's just me with my thoughts.
When I'm alone and it's quiet my thoughts always go to my sweet Aiden. My thoughts go to him all the time but when it's quiet I can't help but wonder what it would be like if he were here with us. I wonder if it would really be quiet right now? Or would my 2 year old be up with me. Sharing hugs and kisses and snuggles. I would give anything for those hugs and kisses. And the snuggles.......
I haven't posted since November 6th so it's definitely been a while. After Aiden's birthday I didn't have a lot to say. My thoughts were just of him constantly....of what could have been. My friend Keelen says that when it's our baby's birthday the whole month belongs to them. And I feel that way too. November is Aiden's. He was due on Thanksgiving Day and born on November 2nd. So yeah pretty much the whole month is his. And Thanksgiving (and every other holiday) will never be the same. The holidays are just hard period. Mason helps so much to give us joy during the hardest time. But not matter what it's still hard.
I'm feeling sad this morning. Yesterday I was pretty grumpy and cranky. I guess moods swings never go away. But this morning sad is definitely the overwhelming feeling. Sad for myself. Sad for some of my BLM friends who are also having a hard time.
I think so often of the last moments I had with Aiden. I wish I could hold him one more time. Smell him and feel his weight in my arms. I picture Nygel singing to him by the window in our room. It breaks my heart that I could only see it that one time. It wasn't enough. It will never be enough. I'm just sad. Heartbreakingly sad.......
I am destined for a life where my happiness and grief are intertwined forever.
I miss my son.
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3 months ago
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5 comments:
Natasha,
I grieve with you. I'm sad today too. My mood the last few days has been less than steller to say the least. I have to say that I have missed you mama. Your too busy! lol Next post give us some of that baby love huh? i gotta see how your lil man has grown. hugs-
Felicia
((Hugs)) <3
xox momma.
Sometimes I think that it's both a blessing and a curse to remember those sweet moments.. And that it's made harder still by seeing these men we love loving on our rainbows the way we know our firsts would/should have been- the singing, the dancing, the cooing, the smiling... Ugh.
:( Thinking of sweet Aiden. And you momma.
Oh this just has me all choked up. I've been sad a lot too lately. Tears and joy mixed together. I wish that this was not our reality. The picture of nygel singing to aiden. Oh that is heartbreaking. I know what you mean about lack of quiet time. We long for our children all the time but tge quiet times seems like it belongs to them when we are not distracted by the living. Hugs to you my friend.
thinking of you and Aiden. doesn't the sadness just knock the wind out of you sometimes? hugs, dear friend.
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