People

So often in the last year people have really caused an unfortunate range of emotions in me- disappointment, hurt, frustration, upset, anger, pain, hate. It has amazed me over and over again how people who I would never have imagined could be anything more than loving have instead trampled on my already broken heart. Family and friends. Or so called friends. Luckily I've managed to get rid of the real poison in my life from "friends". I guess I can't officially ditch the family but I sure can stop investing any of myself in them.

People just really suck sometimes.

I get tired of the excuses- "They aren't trying to ignore you- people don't know what to say to you", "People don't want to upset you", "They didn't mean anything by what they said", "He/She just wasn't thinking when they said that."

Ummm ok.

If you don't know what else to say just say, "I love you and I'm thinking of you." Some of the things I remember most after losing Aiden were the friends and family that just came at sat at our house. A lot of times I never said a word to them. But they just sat there anyway. Because they loved us and they wanted to do something.

Oh and guess what? Regardless of if you are trying to or not- you are ignoring me, and my husband, and our son. Thanks a lot.

If you think that you mentioning my son will upset me you are completely crazy. Hello......I'm already upset. I miss my child every day and that is the most "upsetting" {brutally painful} thing I will ever have to endure. Mentioning my son at least means you care enough to acknowledge his life.

If you think that saying something stupid/careless/without thought is ok because you "didn't mean anything by it" or "weren't thinking" when you said it, then you might want to think a little more before you open your mouth to speak. Seriously.

I don't know for sure how I will react in every situation life puts me in- you never know until it happens. But if a friend of mine/family member lost a child {prior to me losing a child myself} I know I wouldn't freaking ignore them!!!!! Come on.....what a horrible friend I would be.....right?

This quote really speaks to me:

"At some of the darkest moments in my life, some people I thought of as

friends deserted me- some because they cared about me and it hurt them to

see me in pain; others because I reminded them of their own vulnerability,

and that was more than they could handle. But real friends overcame their

discomfort and came to sit with me. If they had not words to make me feel

better, they sat in silence and I loved them for it."

~Harold Kushner, Living a Life that Matters

I get that it's hard to talk to us because you don't want to see us in pain. I get that it's hard to see our reality because you don't want to think of the possibility that it might happen to you. I get that the idea of a child dying is a horrible thing to think about. I get that.

But imagine if you weren't just imagining it- imagine if you were living it.

How awful would it be then?

I can't believe that the best plan you could come up with for dealing with my loss/pain is to ignore me/it.........really? You desert your friend when they need you the most.....nice.

But the other thing about people that I've learned in the last year is that sometimes people amaze you. And sometimes they are people you don't even know.

All the sweet BLMs I have encountered in the last year are the most supportive loving group of ladies ever. When I didn't think anyone would get it- you all got it. When I felt crazy {insane} you told me I wasn't. When I thought I couldn't make it anymore- you encouraged me to keep going. Such an amazing community we have.

But every once in a while someone who is not a BLM does something that makes you feel like maybe people really can be caring even if they haven't walked in your shoes.

This morning I woke up and for some reason the photo center girl from the Walgreens up the street was on my mind.

The day before Aiden's memorial service Nygel and I were so blessed by our NILMDTS photographer with 4 beautiful pictures that she rushed to edit in 1 day {I literally asked 2 days before the service if she could get us 1 picture} so we could use them at his service. That night we ordered the prints online from Walgreens after searching that day for the perfect frames to hold them. Only one hour and we would have the first 4 pictures taken of our son on November 2nd.

So late that night we ventured out to get the pictures. I have no idea how I looked- probably a hot freaking mess. Crazy clothes, puffy red eyes, walking funny because I just delivered a baby a few days before and was doing way too much too soon. But I didn't care. I went into Walgreens with Nygel and marched over to the photo counter to get my son's picture.

The girl at the counter asked for our name and then said, "Oh yes, I just finished those pictures- I have them right here." As she went to pull them from the bin I prayed that she wouldn't talk to me anymore. Please don't say anything, please don't ask me anything, please just don't talk to me- just ring me up and give me my pictures.

But that was not the case.

I pulled the pictures out and Nygel and I looked over them- they were beautiful. Aiden was perfect. Nygel told the girl they were perfect and pulled his credit card out to pay.

And then she started talking.

"The pictures are beautiful.......My cousin had some like this done for her baby and it's so nice how they take them." And then she said, "I'm so very sorry about your baby."

Wow.....

Not expecting a complete stranger to say something so sweet. So thoughtful. She didn't know us at all. She didn't have to say anything. She COULD have ignored our obvious pain.

But she didn't. She acknowledged our son. And that was an amazing gift.

As the tears welled up in my eyes I managed to say "Thank you" without completely losing it. Nygel thanked her as well and she waved and told us to have a good night.

Although I have no idea what her name is or if she's even still at that Walgreens {I haven't gone back since that night} she touched my heart. She spoke up when she didn't have to and shared some kind words when we needed to hear them.

People are interesting.......some disappoint and some surprise you.

This morning I'm pushing out all the disappointment from my mind and remembering the sweet surprises that, yes always make me cry, but at the same time make me so happy because they allow me to share my son. And I'm saying thank you for allowing me that joy.

:::

Aiden,

I can't believe that in just 10 days you will have been gone for a year. I can't believe that I have managed to keep going all this time without you. I love you so much. I miss you so much. I pray that you always feel the strength of my love for you. Thank you for walking close to me every day even though we are so far away from each other.

I love you baby boy, forever and always!

Love,

Mommy