Dear Aiden......

Dear Aiden,

I can't believe how long it's been since I posted here on your blog. Almost 20 days!

It's not because I haven't thought of you.....far from it. I think of you every.single.day my sweet boy. You are and always will be my first born son. And I love you today just as I always have....with all my heart.

My words and thoughts have just been a jumbled mess lately. I have so many emotions running through my heart and my brain it's hard to keep track of them all. Everything just sounds too mixed up when I start to write it down. I have even started to post before and then just saved it as a draft.

Why?

Well it's complicated I guess. Just like everything else in my life since the day I lost you.

Your little brother Mason came into this world screaming and flailing his arms 24 days ago. I know you saw mommy crying like a baby. Some of my tears were tears of joy- joy for the beautiful life that is your baby brother. There were also tears of pain, hurt, and sorrow- pain because you are not here, sorrow because I never got to hear you scream or see you wave your arms around like a mad man, hurt because I miss you so very much.

I feel like I will forever be a mix of conflicting emotions. Every good and happy thing will also always remind me of what I'm missing- you.

I never thought that someone could exist in such a tangled mess of feelings and thoughts.

But yet I am.

I'm happy because Mason makes a funny face or scowls at me for taking too many pictures of him. And my heart is so full of joy! And then I think of how much I want to see a smile on your gorgeous face and it breaks my heart all over again because that will never happen.

It's so hard Aiden.

I know you are here with us but it's just still so wrong that you can't be physically here with us. I really don't think I'll ever stop asking myself why.

And people.....well....people are just funny. Or crazy. Or crazy stupid idiots.

I am always shocked at how many people think that I'm "healed/cured/ok now/not the girl to be avoided anymore" now that your brother is here.

I will never forget you Aiden. You will always be remembered. I can't replace one child with another and I have no idea how people expect me to.  I love you both equally and I will love you both forever.

I guess I say all this to say that I miss you and I love you and nothing will ever change that. I will always wish you were here. I will always make sure Mason knows what an amazing big brother he has. With every drop of love in my heart and soul I will always be the best mom I can to you in Heaven and Mason (and any other brothers or sisters you may have later on) here on Earth.

Thank you so much for always being close to us. I see the way Mason stares at the light coming in from the windows and I know you are talking to him- I know he can see and feel you too.

I pray you will always know the strength of my love for you. It will last forever and ever.

I love you Aiden, always.

Love,
Mama