September

Today is September 1st and this morning my heart is heavy. I've been up since about 3:45 am and all I can think about is Aiden. I miss that little boy so very much......

Usually September is a pretty happy month for us. We have about 80 birthdays this month (ok maybe a slight exaggeration....but not by much) between family and friends so I usually go broke but I love surprising people on their special day. Also September is my birthday month so I always have something special to look forward to myself.

Last September on my birthday I was exactly 30 weeks pregnant with Aiden. This year on my birthday he will have been gone for exactly 10 months and 2 weeks.

A year really changes things.

Last year on my birthday I had no idea that in less than 2 months my life as I knew it would be over. I had no idea the horrible crashing down that was about to occur in our world. I was just so very happy to be pregnant with my little man.

Tomorrow will be September 2nd. This is one day in September that really didn't have any special meaning associated with it before this year. No birthdays of family or friends, no anniversaries.......just September 2nd.

This year September 2nd means Aiden has been gone for 10 months.

10 months of missing him. 10 months of crying more tears than I thought I ever had in me. 10 months of longing for something I will never have. 10 months of trying to adjust to my new life. 10 months with a broken heart. 10 months of missing a piece of myself.

I carried my baby boy for 36 weeks and 5 days and in less than 2 seconds that terrible day in November, my joy, my love, my child, everything was gone.

I think I couldn't sleep this morning because for some reason I just couldn't believe it.

Crazy right?

I mean really......how can I after all these months not believe my reality? But some how I still wake up on certain days and my mind thinks it was all just a dream. A horrible dream I can still wake up from- yeah I wish.

Sometimes I have good dreams that don't last for long enough. In my dreams I see Aiden and so many other beautiful babies and they just seem so real. How can they all be gone? How can all these families be living with broken hearts? How am I even still standing?

I'm not sure how I feel about September this year. So many mixed emotions, so many thoughts, so many what ifs. And it's not even November yet- no idea of what kind of state I will be in 2 months from now. And how in the world has it gotten so close to being a year already? A year with out him? This is unreal.

All I know is that I miss my son. I wish he was here. I wish I was celebrating my birthday with my hubby and my 10 month old. I wish for my birthday that I could have more time with him.

Well that did it........can't stop the tears from falling now.

I miss my son.