Aiden & Dragonflies

Work was painfully a little busy and stressful yesterday so I decided to share with you guys something in my office that actually brought a little peace to me in the middle of all that madness.

My mom went to visit my aunt in Maryland last week and brought back these beautiful pieces I just LOVE and had to share:

Dragonfly Magnets

Dragonfly Paperweight

Both in my office at work- LOVE looking at these every day 

Was so excited when she pulled these out! I love getting little reminders of Aiden. Brings a smile to my face every time :)

I love that Aiden sends me these lovely dragonflies- they are a constant reminder of him and I love that. 

I miss him so much.......I love him so much.....

Hope......Illuminate Week 4

I haven't posted in a while and I have so much on my mind right now it's hard to put together many understandable thoughts......I'm sure you all get that.

So instead I thought I would share my last post from my Illuminate class. I can't say enough great things about this class and our instructor Beryl. Such a great group of ladies I was able to spend several weeks with- I feel so honored to know them and their children. And the class was a great opportunity to work on my photography skills and get out some of the jumbled thoughts that fill my mind. If you haven't heard of Illuminate you should definitely check it out!

This was posted on August 8, 2011. The photo collage at the end is one I put together myself with some pics from around the house (love that!).....

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This week's assignment was to imagine myself a year from today. That's kind of a tough one. One thing I've learned in the last 9 months is that I could never come close to dreaming up what my life might be like one day, week, month, or year from now. But I can share what I plan to do with myself over that time.

In a day life can change so much. I can't tell you for sure how I'll feel from day-to-day. What I can tell you is that I plan to live each day like it's all I have. I know that life is fleeting......it can be taken away at any time. I know that one day I will get to see my little Aiden again. Until that day I have to keep living my life the way my soon would want me to. One foot in front of the other......one day at a time.

One week from now I know that all the good I do to build myself up today can be gone in an instant. I know that I can freak myself out or work myself into such an anxious frenzy that all the hard work I've put in to calm myself down over the week will disappear in 2.5 seconds. But during the next week I'll work to pick myself up again. I'll keep going, keep living, keep trying. Because that's what my son would want me to do.

One month from now I'll be 10 months without my son. That is an incredibly painful thought. Months mean a lot to me now. Each month on the 2nd I am even further away from my son. Further away from the day I got to meet him......and the day I said goodbye until the next life. I count down the months until he's been gone a year. It's coming way too soon for me. Next month will be tough. It will be so close to Aiden's birthday. I pray that God and my son will continue to be with me and give me strength to get through each month. So far they have done a good job because I'm still making it.

One year from now I don't know where this life will take me. I don't know what my emotional state will be, I don't know what our family will look like, I don't know how anything will play out. But I do know what I plan to do from now until then.

Hope.

Angel of Hope sent to me by my lovely friend Tiffany

I will continue to trust and hope in God. I will have hope through everything we go through. I will continue to have hope in the shadow of darkness.

Here is one of my favorite bible verses:

"But those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint." 

~Isaiah 40:31

This is my prayer for myself and for all the other baby loss moms who are near and dear to my heart........

A Good Friend

It seems like lately there have been a lot of posts going around and e-mails/messages coming to (and from) me on the topic of friends. Friends who have been there through thick and thin (including the horrific tragedy of losing a child), friends who have disappeared off the face of the Earth after times get rough (times like when you lose a child) what makes a good friend vs a sucky friend, and just the general change in some friendships after the loss of a child.

Although I could go on about the topic of friends vs "friends" for a very long time (trust me I'll talk about it another day because I have lots to say) today I want to stray away from my normal baby loss discussion and talk just about friendship- good friendships. I guess to be more specific I want to talk about one of mom's best friends- a truly good friend.

Last night I got a call from my sister saying that Pat, my mom's long time friend, had passed away. My heart stopped for a second and I felt my breath slip away. I could not believe what I was hearing. How in the world was this possible? And then I stopped myself. Come on....I know how possible terrible tragedies are. Clearly.

Pat has been my mother's friend since before I can even remember. She's always been around. She is my baby sister's Godmother and has been to everything my sister and I have ever done- graduations, my wedding, baby showers, with my mom and I to buy my first car, my sister's sporting events, my debutante ball (yes people- I'm a Southern girl and I was a debutante :) Maybe I'll post a pic one day- ha!). Any emergency she could be counted on to help. Pretty much everything our family did Pat was there. I even remember the whole remodel on her house back when I was a teenager. When Nygel and I got married she let ALOT of my family stay in that house which was a life saver for us!

But she wasn't just there for my mom, me, and my sister. She loved my whole family. This lady checked on my grandmother more than some of my cousins do. When I called my granny last night to tell her what happened, she told me she had talked to Pat just 2 weeks ago. And that Pat told her how much fun her granddaughter was and how she was running to keep up with her. That breaks my heart......

Pat was a mother, a grandmother, a sister, a daughter, and a friend. Such a wonderful woman.

More than anything she was amazing friend- a best friend- to my mother. When I talked to my mom early this morning to see how she as doing she told me something I already knew. "Pat was more than a friend- she was family. She was like a sister to me."

I know Mummy and I am so very sorry she's gone........

In life we are blessed if we are able to find a friend that will be there for us no matter what. When things are good and when they are tragic- that friend is there. When you're laughing so hard your stomach hurts and when you are crying so hard you can't pick yourself up off the bathroom floor- that friend is still there. And it's ok because they pick you up off the floor and bring you food and force you to watch reality tv until you can't help but crack a smile. They are a friend.....a good friend.

I am so thankful that God blessed my mother with Pat. I am so happy that for almost all of her adult life she had someone she could trust and who loved her so much. I am so very happy she had such a good friend.

Thank you Pat for all you have been to our family. Thank you for loving my mother and loving us because of the fact that you loved her so much. I pray that my little Aiden gives you a stunning smile and a huge hug when you see him in Heaven. Give him a kiss from his mama and know I'm sending one to you too......xoxo

Aiden.....9 Months

To honor Aiden's 9 months in Heaven, Nygel and I (and Cami of course) released some balloons for him along with my mom, sister, and niece. We all wrote him special notes- they wrote theirs on the balloons and I wrote a special card to my baby boy. Cami held on to the balloon ribbons until we got ready to let the balloons go.

Here are some pics from that day:

The balloons floated FOREVER- they didn't disappear for about 15 minutes! So wonderful to watch them make their way up to my little man.

I love you Aiden........forever and always!

Love, Mommy

9 Months......

Dear Aiden,

Hey baby boy........I hope that you are having a good day in Heaven. I know you are hanging out with family and all your angel baby friends and that makes me smile.

For some reason this post is hard for me to write today. I usually have no problem writing you letters.

But today it's tough.

I think I know why. You were with us for 36 weeks and 5 days. I was happily moving into my 9th month of carrying you- totally and completely in love with my son. And then suddenly the baby I was counting down to seeing in 3 weeks was ripped from me. Gone.....forever.

Now 9 months later in just a short time you will have been gone longer than you were with us..........

Everything about that is just so wrong.

I miss you. I miss you every day. I think about you every.single.day.

I struggle with a lot of things- life is just so rough some days.

But what I want you to know is that even on my hardest day thoughts of you still warm my heart. You will always be my perfect little baby. An angel. Loved by so many. But especially loved by me.

Even when you see mama struggling, crying, angry, or sad please know it is only because I miss you. I wish I could do more for you today. More than just write a letter. I wish I could put you in a cute outfit with a big 9 month sticker on it. I long to take tons of pictures and send them to everyone to see your cute face. I wish we could have a special "Aiden's 9 months old!" birthday dinner with just me, you, and daddy. So much I want to do for you.

While I can't do any of those things I can love you. It may be from far away but I believe my love is strong enough to reach you. I believe that you know how much I love you.

I love you baby boy. Forever and always.

Please know that you are forever loved. Forever missed. Forever remembered.

I love you Aiden!

Love,
Mommy

My Vacation

I have been a terrible blogger lately- so sorry guys! I have just been running around like crazy and I haven't had a chance to really sit at my computer for more than a few quick minutes at a time. But here I am and I'm going to try to catch you up on me :)

So last week I got to do something I really needed to do.....I took a vacation and visited with some of my dear BLM friends in Minnesota!

And it was great!

I spent 4 days visiting with some amazing moms who I am so very lucky to call my friends......Noah's mommy- Jenna, Julius' mommy- Tiffany, Stevie's mommy- Kristin, Ellie's mommy- Tiffany, and River's mommy- Deanna.

I can't tell you how nice it was to meet all of them in person. I already felt like I knew them all so well- now after my trip I ♥ them even more!!!!  Totally fabulous women!

Honestly before this trip I was getting very close to a breaking point. Lots of sadness, anger, regret.  Being able talk freely about Aiden was so great for me. I was able to share as much as I wanted without worrying that people might think I was "crazy, "bitter", or "someone who needed to get over it." They got it. They get me. It was really just what I needed.

Let me share my trip with you........

Saturday Tiffany and I got settled in our hotel and went to dinner with Jenna who was so sweet to pick us up from the airport and take us around all week. She is amazing!

On Sunday we had the chance to go to a brunch in honor of moms who had lost children or who have children with serious illnesses. This event was hosted by Chad Greenway who plays for Nygel's favorite NFL team- the Minnesota Vikings!

Table Centerpieces

   And we got some beautiful Vera Bradley bags! Yay! I love, love, love Vera Bradley and have a ton of her stuff already! I was super excited to get a new tote bag in the color I had been drooling over- Lemon Parfait!

We spent the rest of the afternoon making some lovely pottery. Everyone did so well with their pieces- I can't wait to get mine in the mail soon!

One of my pieces- a monkey for my little man!

We left pottery and got a little lost from each other! Ha! That's what happens when you have 3 cars!!! Here we are waiting on the rest of our group:

Jenna with her frozen drink :)

T & T

The we went to a cool spot called Cafeteria for dinner. I had the Thanksgiving Dinner special and it was quite tasty! And yes it was served on a cafeteria tray! HA!!!

Whew- it was a busy day! But great! 

The next day Tiffany and I hung out by ourselves for a little bit and I got some beautiful flower pics:

Then we got to visit Noah's special spot and take some lovely balloons for Noah, Aiden, and Julius. 

Of course one of Aiden's Balloons got stuck in a tree! It made it's way out slowly :)

One of Aiden's Balloons

And there were so many dragonflies everywhere- just beautiful! They were so many different colors of dragonflies but this gold one was one of my favorites!

We also got to meet Jenna's mom for lunch this day. She made us so much food! OMG we had chicken salad, egg salad, tuna salad, pasta salad, watermelon, and a yummy banana and chocolate dessert. And Jenna's mom was just as sweet and lovely as Jenna :) So glad we got the chance to meet her!

My last day in Minnesota I got to go to a special Ellie's Light event.  It was a bowling night/silent auction and I was so happy to get to help with one of the events- the Balloon Pop. I was not the best balloon string person (yes it took me forever to tie the string to the balloons!) but I was able to do much better with the people popping the balloons and getting prizes!

Got all the balloons blown up and tied!

I got the chance to make some blocks for Ellie which were displayed at the Balloon Pop!

Jenna and Tiffany drawing names for door prizes- love that horse!

Tiffany manning the Balloon Pop in her cute Ellie's Light t-shirt!

The whole event was just amazing and I'm so glad I got to be there with Tiffany for her baby girl's lovely night! 

So that was my trip- really such a great time. I know there were some other things in between that I am probably leaving off this post but we really stayed busy the whole time- and I loved it! I came back very rested and happy! Thanks ladies for everything! Love you all!!!

I Miss Him

I know that I've probably said it many many times before.........but......

I miss him.

So very very much.........sigh

I pulled out his pictures yesterday morning to look at them. Sometimes I cannot get over how much he looks like Nygel. His little mini me. He is just so beautiful in all his pictures.........

One day I may get the strength to share more than just his hands and feet on this blog. One day I may be able to show you that gorgeous face, the head full of beautiful soft curly hair, and the round little tummy that you could see so well- even with his onesie on........just beautiful. One day I hope I can share him more but I'm just not ready yet........

I miss Aiden every.single.day.

I know that I don't cry as much as I used to and I know that I am able to keep it together for longer periods of time.....BUT.....when the tears do come, boy do they come.

They definitely came yesterday as I looked at the beautiful pictures taken by our NILMDTS photographer. As I looked at my amazingly handsome son. As I imagined what he would look like today and what his pictures might turn out like now.

I miss him.........I miss him so much.........

I Was Here

Anyone else like Beyonce? I think she's great. Love all her music and I can relate to so many of her songs. Her newest CD "4" came out last week.  As I scanned through the songs to hear all the dance and love tracks I was happy that I had something new and fun to listen to. Bobbed my head right along to all the songs.

And then......my breath was taken away when I heard song number 11.

I Was Here

It's like she wrote this song just for me. To remind me that my son was here.....he was important.....his life meant something.......

I think this song could apply to anyone that has lost a loved one. But for me it takes me straight to my sweet Aiden.

I break down in tears every time I hear this song..........

beyonce_-_i_was_here

Powered by mp3skull.com

Here are the lyrics:

I wanna leave my footprints on the sands of time 

Know there was something that, and something that I left behind 

When I leave this world, I'll leave no regrets 

Leave something to remember, so they won't forget 

I was here... 

I lived, I loved 

I was here... 

I did, I've done, everything that I wanted 

And it was more than I thought it would be 

I will leave my mark so everyone will know 

I was here... 

I want to say I lived each day, until I died 

I know that I had something in, somebody's life 

The hearts I have touched, will be the proof that I leave 

That I made a difference, and this world will see 

I was here... 

I lived, I loved 

I was here... 

I did, I've done, everything that I wanted 

And it was more than I thought it would be 

I will leave my mark so everyone will know 

I was here... 

I was here... 

I lived, I loved 

I was here... 

I did, I've done, everything that I wanted 

And it was more than I thought it would be 

I will leave my mark so everyone will know 

I was here... 

I just want them to know 

That I gave my all, did my best 

Brought someone to happiness 

Left this world a little better just because... 

I was here... 

I was here... 

I lived, I loved 

I was here... 

I did, I've done, everything that I wanted 

And it was more than I thought it would be 

I will leave my mark so everyone will know 

I was here...

Aiden was here.......

He lived in me for 36 weeks......

He loved me and his daddy so very much.......

He left this world a better place because he was here....

He touched so many hearts and made a difference in this world with his little life.....

He brought so much happiness to so many people.....just because.....he was here.....

Aiden left this world a better place......

And I'll never let anyone forget it or take away from me the fact that my son was here.

8 Months

Dear Aiden,

Happy 8 months little man! I hope that you have a super fun day today with all your angel friends. We'll be hanging out with family today but know that you are in my thoughts throughout everything I do.

Today is hard but I think the hardest part is that I'm feeling further and further away from you. Time just keeps passing and I want to scream at it to stop!!! I don't cry every day anymore. I don't break down in public places or lose it when I see a baby. I don't have to fight the urge that tells me to stay in bed all day in a ball.

I don't want to be further away from you but I know this gradual healing- this being ok- is something I have to do. It doesn't take me away from you. Nope you're always with me. It just takes me closer to the person I have to be until I can see you again.

And although I feel ok today I know that tomorrow I could relapse back into utter despair. And I know that's ok. That's what grief is. And I will allow myself to feel whatever I need to to grieve for you baby.

Know that I love you always and forever. You will always be with me. I carry you in my heart. For my whole life- and the after life- you will be my Aiden William,

I love you baby boy......forever and ever you are my precious precious angel.

Love,

Mommy

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

July 1st

Wow I can't believe it's July already. Time is a crazy thing......it somehow manages to move quickly and stand still all at once.

This week has been a rough. Lots of stress, lots of worry, lots of anger, lots of times I've asked myself "Why?" to so many things.

Today on July 1st I'm reminded that tomorrow....July 2nd....will be 8 months without Aiden. 8 months since I've held him. 8 months since my life changed forever. I miss my baby so much. I wish he was here.

I have promised myself to stress less and that's my goal for now.....baby steps to less stress. Trusting in God's grace and letting go of trying to understand or handle these things myself.

My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. 

~2 Corinthians 12:9