This Is How I Feel.....

I wanted to share this article that has been circulating around the Baby Loss community. I saw it for the first time a few weeks ago and it describes perfectly so many feelings I've experienced in the last year since losing Aiden. This pain will never "go away" as some people like to think. Although any parent that has lost a child already completely understands this I thought it was important to post for anyone else who hasn't experienced this kind of loss.......

The Heartbreak of Infant Loss

By Laura Schubert

Did you know that October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month? I'll bet not. Despite the infant mortality crisis that's been at the forefront of Milwaukee's public health news for months, the only people who have more than a cursory comprehension of what it means to lose a baby are those who've lived it.

Infant loss is nature's cruelest practical joke. It's investing all of the required time and effort into pregnancy, only to be robbed of the result. It's cradling a body that grew within your own and trying to reconcile the cold, lifeless form in your arms with your memory of the baby who turned double flips in your womb.

It's worrying that you'll forget what your child looked like and snapping an album's worth of photos that no one will ever ask to see. It's sobbing so hard you can't breathe and wondering if it's possible to cry yourself to death.

Infant loss is handing off a Moses basket to the nurse who's drawn the unfortunate duty of delivering your pride and joy to the morgue and walking out of a hospital with empty arms.

It's boxing up brand new baby clothes and buying a 24-inch casket. It's sifting through sympathy cards, willing your foolish body to stop lactating, clutching your baby's blanket to your chest in hopes of soothing the piercing ache in your heart.

It's resisting the urge to smack the clueless individuals who compare your situation to the death of their dog or who tell you you'll have another baby, as if children are somehow replaceable.

Infant loss is explaining to your 7-year-old that sometimes babies die and being stumped into silence when she asks you why. It's watching other families live out your happy ending and fighting a fresh round of grief with every milestone you miss.

It's being shut out of play groups for perpetuity. It's skipping social events with expectant and newly minted mothers because, as a walking worst-case scenario, you don't want to put a damper on the party.

It's listening to other women gripe about motherhood and realizing that you no longer relate to their petty parental complaints because, frankly, when you've buried a baby, a sleepless night with a vomiting toddler sounds something like a gift.

Infant loss is pruning from your life the friends and relatives who ignore or minimize your loss. It's recognizing that, while they may not mean to be hurtful, the fact that they don't know any better doesn't make their utter lack of empathy one whit easier to bear.

My baby girl would have been 5 years old this month. I don't know what she'd look like, what her favorite food would be. I've never had the privilege of tucking her into bed, taking her to the zoo or kissing her boo-boos. I will never watch her graduate or walk down the aisle.

Infant loss is more than an empty cradle. It's a life sentence.

Can't Sleep......

I've been up since 3 am........BAH!

Not sure exactly what's keeping me up but I know multiple things are contributing to my restlessness. So much in my brain right now- guess I need to get it out.....

It's Thursday......less than a week away from Aiden's birthday. I can't even believe my baby has been gone for almost a year. It breaks my heart every time to think about the events from last year. This time last year I was getting ready for a baby shower- lots of family and friends coming in for the weekend to celebrate our little man. I had no idea what the days immediately following my shower would bring. No idea of the heartache and pain that was about to come.

That girl was so innocent.....so unknowing.......

I'll never be that girl again.

I miss Aiden so much and my mind is racing with thoughts of him.

I ordered something special for us to use next week on his birthday- I think it's going to be a beautiful way to remember him ♥

I wish I was planning an over the top birthday party for my one year old son. I wish I was ordering a huge cake, sending out cute monkey invites, and planning for a house full of family and friends. I wish I could see him smash cake in his face.....I wish I could see him smile.....just once.

But all I can plan is how I'll remember him on his birthday.....how I'll be praying that he is not forgotten. I hope that he knows how much we miss him and love him.....I pray he can feel the love all the way in Heaven.

I've made all the plans I can for my baby's birthday and it just seems like it's so not enough.....sigh. I guess it will never be enough without him.

:::

I'm nervous about so many things. It's hard to keep it all straight in my head sometimes.........

I try to keep my mind and my heart focused on the positive.....reminding myself that all I can do is pray and hold on to my hope.

:::

A coworker this week lost someone very close to her. It took my breath away. I will never understand why things happen the way they do.....

I'm praying very hard for her and her family.

I'm praying for so many and hoping that there is a fair share of peace to go around this week.

:::

As always people can be so mean. Not anything related to Aiden this time but just a generally rude and mean person. I can't stand dealing with mean, insensitive people who are only concerned with themselves. And I can't stand seeing people be mean to other people for no reason. Pisses me off.

I hate mean people.

::: 

Ok I guess that's all for now- I'm going to attempt to take a short nap before I get ready for work. We'll see how that goes......

Remembering Ellie

Today I'm remembering a sweet little girl......Ellie Lauree. Ellie is the daughter of my dear friend Tiffany and today is her 1 year Angelversary. Today and yesterday are terribly rough for Tiffany, her husband, and their son Max as they remember little Ellie.

If you've ever seen Ellie then you know how seriously beautiful she is......I swear this amazing light shines through her in ever single picture. And that's what she is- a beautiful light. I hope she shines brightly down on her mama today and I have a good feeling she will do that and so much more ♥

Please remember Ellie with me and keep this family close to your heart today.

People

So often in the last year people have really caused an unfortunate range of emotions in me- disappointment, hurt, frustration, upset, anger, pain, hate. It has amazed me over and over again how people who I would never have imagined could be anything more than loving have instead trampled on my already broken heart. Family and friends. Or so called friends. Luckily I've managed to get rid of the real poison in my life from "friends". I guess I can't officially ditch the family but I sure can stop investing any of myself in them.

People just really suck sometimes.

I get tired of the excuses- "They aren't trying to ignore you- people don't know what to say to you", "People don't want to upset you", "They didn't mean anything by what they said", "He/She just wasn't thinking when they said that."

Ummm ok.

If you don't know what else to say just say, "I love you and I'm thinking of you." Some of the things I remember most after losing Aiden were the friends and family that just came at sat at our house. A lot of times I never said a word to them. But they just sat there anyway. Because they loved us and they wanted to do something.

Oh and guess what? Regardless of if you are trying to or not- you are ignoring me, and my husband, and our son. Thanks a lot.

If you think that you mentioning my son will upset me you are completely crazy. Hello......I'm already upset. I miss my child every day and that is the most "upsetting" {brutally painful} thing I will ever have to endure. Mentioning my son at least means you care enough to acknowledge his life.

If you think that saying something stupid/careless/without thought is ok because you "didn't mean anything by it" or "weren't thinking" when you said it, then you might want to think a little more before you open your mouth to speak. Seriously.

I don't know for sure how I will react in every situation life puts me in- you never know until it happens. But if a friend of mine/family member lost a child {prior to me losing a child myself} I know I wouldn't freaking ignore them!!!!! Come on.....what a horrible friend I would be.....right?

This quote really speaks to me:

"At some of the darkest moments in my life, some people I thought of as

friends deserted me- some because they cared about me and it hurt them to

see me in pain; others because I reminded them of their own vulnerability,

and that was more than they could handle. But real friends overcame their

discomfort and came to sit with me. If they had not words to make me feel

better, they sat in silence and I loved them for it."

~Harold Kushner, Living a Life that Matters

I get that it's hard to talk to us because you don't want to see us in pain. I get that it's hard to see our reality because you don't want to think of the possibility that it might happen to you. I get that the idea of a child dying is a horrible thing to think about. I get that.

But imagine if you weren't just imagining it- imagine if you were living it.

How awful would it be then?

I can't believe that the best plan you could come up with for dealing with my loss/pain is to ignore me/it.........really? You desert your friend when they need you the most.....nice.

But the other thing about people that I've learned in the last year is that sometimes people amaze you. And sometimes they are people you don't even know.

All the sweet BLMs I have encountered in the last year are the most supportive loving group of ladies ever. When I didn't think anyone would get it- you all got it. When I felt crazy {insane} you told me I wasn't. When I thought I couldn't make it anymore- you encouraged me to keep going. Such an amazing community we have.

But every once in a while someone who is not a BLM does something that makes you feel like maybe people really can be caring even if they haven't walked in your shoes.

This morning I woke up and for some reason the photo center girl from the Walgreens up the street was on my mind.

The day before Aiden's memorial service Nygel and I were so blessed by our NILMDTS photographer with 4 beautiful pictures that she rushed to edit in 1 day {I literally asked 2 days before the service if she could get us 1 picture} so we could use them at his service. That night we ordered the prints online from Walgreens after searching that day for the perfect frames to hold them. Only one hour and we would have the first 4 pictures taken of our son on November 2nd.

So late that night we ventured out to get the pictures. I have no idea how I looked- probably a hot freaking mess. Crazy clothes, puffy red eyes, walking funny because I just delivered a baby a few days before and was doing way too much too soon. But I didn't care. I went into Walgreens with Nygel and marched over to the photo counter to get my son's picture.

The girl at the counter asked for our name and then said, "Oh yes, I just finished those pictures- I have them right here." As she went to pull them from the bin I prayed that she wouldn't talk to me anymore. Please don't say anything, please don't ask me anything, please just don't talk to me- just ring me up and give me my pictures.

But that was not the case.

I pulled the pictures out and Nygel and I looked over them- they were beautiful. Aiden was perfect. Nygel told the girl they were perfect and pulled his credit card out to pay.

And then she started talking.

"The pictures are beautiful.......My cousin had some like this done for her baby and it's so nice how they take them." And then she said, "I'm so very sorry about your baby."

Wow.....

Not expecting a complete stranger to say something so sweet. So thoughtful. She didn't know us at all. She didn't have to say anything. She COULD have ignored our obvious pain.

But she didn't. She acknowledged our son. And that was an amazing gift.

As the tears welled up in my eyes I managed to say "Thank you" without completely losing it. Nygel thanked her as well and she waved and told us to have a good night.

Although I have no idea what her name is or if she's even still at that Walgreens {I haven't gone back since that night} she touched my heart. She spoke up when she didn't have to and shared some kind words when we needed to hear them.

People are interesting.......some disappoint and some surprise you.

This morning I'm pushing out all the disappointment from my mind and remembering the sweet surprises that, yes always make me cry, but at the same time make me so happy because they allow me to share my son. And I'm saying thank you for allowing me that joy.

:::

Aiden,

I can't believe that in just 10 days you will have been gone for a year. I can't believe that I have managed to keep going all this time without you. I love you so much. I miss you so much. I pray that you always feel the strength of my love for you. Thank you for walking close to me every day even though we are so far away from each other.

I love you baby boy, forever and always!

Love,

Mommy

October 15th......Remembering

I woke up this morning and pulled out the laptop as usual. You guys know me- up early, on the computer, doing way too much before anyone else is even turning in their beds. What was unusual was the slide show that was pulled up and ready to go on the computer......waiting on me to press play.

My husband had put together a slide show titled "Us" and the word on the first slide- Love. This is the picture he used:

So I pushed play not quite sure what I was about to see- maybe wedding and engagement pics, maybe vacation pics, or family time pics.

But I wasn't prepared for what Nygel had done.

He put together a slide show of pictures from the last 2 years of our life {with the exception of the engagement photo above} both the good and the bad........

Pictures of me during my pregnancy with Aiden- all of them, showing my growing stomach. Sprinkled in between were my beautiful baby boy's ultrasound pictures. All the pictures we have showing him as he grew inside me.

There were pictures of our house being built last summer. The house we built for Aiden to come home to in November. Even one of me with my huge belly looking up at the almost complete house.

Pictures of us putting his nursery together, my birthday last year, and all the craft projects I made for Aiden. Pictures of the words we put over his crib and the sweet little monkey I put on the wall for him.

Pictures of Aiden after he was born.....my beautiful perfect boy. Pictures of our sweet beautiful family of 3.

At this point in the slide show my watering eyes overflowed and poured out the tears I had been holding back. Oh my God.....my son.....he is BEAUTIFUL.

Pictures of us after we lost him- together trying to build ourselves back up. Trying to have hope when everything seemed so hopeless.

Pictures of all the remembrance things we have made and that others have made for us. All the things that make me smile as I remember how special Aiden is to so many.

Pictures of us with Cam- the puppy we got a month and a half after we lost our son. The puppy Nygel wanted to buy Aiden when he got here and insisted he was still getting for his son despite everything. The puppy who was born November 4, 2010.....just 2 days after Aiden. The puppy who helped us smile a little on the days when we really didn't want to. Who lets me hug her whenever I want to and licks my face and hands when I can't stop my tears. My son's puppy.....his Cami.....that we get to take care of for him.

And then.....pictures of the 4 pregnancy tests I took on Aiden's 6 month Angelversary in May. The proof that our family was growing again. That Aiden was going to be a big brother.

More pictures of us grieving our son- balloon releases, flowers, all to remember our special little boy.

Pictures of my pregnancy with Baby Jack......ultrasounds, the stomach that has been clearly visible {read huge} since oh about month 2! Pictures from Nygel's birthday party when we weren't telling anyone yet that we were pregnant but I can see that stomach so clearly when looking at myself from that day.

Pictures of me and Baby Jack in Aiden's garden and with the beautiful purple flowers my mom planted for me. They bloom new every morning ♥

Pictures of us at the Walk to Remember earlier this month.....and the beautiful balloon release in honor of all the sweet babies gone too soon.

The last picture is of Nygel and I- you've seen it before. We're sitting on a bench at the Walk to Remember so I can rest a bit before we walk. I'm holding Aiden's balloon with my long letter written to him on it and of course Baby Jack is nice and snug in my tummy. I love it.....my little family.....all 4 of us.

I can't tell you how much I love this man. The slide show was perfect. It encompasses everything that we have been through together with our children and I love that. Although my eyes are slightly swollen and very red right now, I love that I was able to wake up to such an amazing slide show this morning.

The songs he used were also perfect......you can check them out here:

Fix You- Cold Play
I Was Here- Beyonce {I blogged here about how much this song touches me}
Chasing Cars- Snow Patrol

This week has been so hard for me.....more than you all can imagine. There is so much going on and it's hard not to let anxiety, panic, fear, sadness creep back into my heart and soul. But as my friend Fran reminded me.....there is so so much hope....always.

Today is October 15th- National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. I spent this morning remembering in such a special way thanks to my husband. I am also burning a candle all day in memory of my Aiden and the sweet babies of so many of my BLM friends.

My hope today is that you all have some peace as you remember your precious little babies. This October 15th is so different for me that in years past. It means so much more......

Today I remember all the sweet babies that have left this world too soon.........

Hello Autumn!!!

This time of year is so rough. Aiden's birthday is right around the corner and the winter holidays were painfully tough last year- especially Thanksgiving {Aiden's Due Date}.

Because so many people could use a lift right now I've decided to team up with some of my lovely friends and bring a special sweet project to you all! As I think about all the amazing ladies I've met through blogging I knew this idea was such a perfect way to bring a little hope into everyone's life. A way to brighten your day and welcome in the Autumn months with some joy.

Hello Autumn!!!!

Hello Autumn is a special Fall gift exchange open to all bloggers. Interested? Good!!!! Here are the rules:

Sign up at either:

Caring for Carleigh

My Angel Baby...Aiden William

Small Bird Studios

Viva la Vida

Please sign up at just one blog. Once you sign up your entry will show up on all four blogs.

The gift limit is $15 and should be used to purchase a Fall theme gift like ornaments, scarves, fall baking kits, etc. We ask that you share with your partner why you chose that gift... "a baking kit to add a little sweetness and warmth to your Autumn", or something similar.

Partners will be picked and posted by October 29th. {That's right people! Only 2 weeks to sign up so what are you waiting for?!?!?} It is up to the partners to get in contact with each other and exchange mailing addresses. All items MUST be shipped by November 7th.

There will be a follow up post where you can link up with your partner and show off your fabulous piece of hope. This post will be done on November 21st.

When linking up type your name and your blog name (Name@ Blog Name).

Please, please, please make sure that you that you only sign up if you truly intend to participate and send a gift!!! We don't want anyone to be disappointed or left out during this exchange.

That's it! Easy right? If you know anyone else that might be interested in participating please send them on over! We would love to have you be a part of our Hello Autumn Gift Exchange and share some love with a fellow blogger. Please feel to post any questions here or on one of the other hosting blogs!

And don't forget to grab the Hello Autumn Gift Exchange button for your blog if you're participating! Here ya go:

   <a border="0" href="http://aidensmom112.blogspot.com/2011/10/hello-autumn.html" target="_blank"><img src="http://i776.photobucket.com/albums/yy44/smallbirdstudio/helloautumn.png" /></a>

Isn't that owl just the cutest?!?! Thanks Fran for the awesome button!!!

Wishing you all a peaceful weekend.......maybe with a little hope sprinkled in as well........

Remembering Sweet Julius

Today I'm remembering a sweet little boy......Julius. My dear friend Tiffany lost her precious baby boy to SIDS a year ago today when he was four and a half months old. Although I despise the circumstances we met under, Tiffany has been an amazing friend to me and I can't thank her enough for her support and kind words whenever {which can be often} I need it. It's my honor to remember her precious son today.

Julius has touched so many people with his life and I know that he and Aiden are great friends in Heaven. His smile is one of the most beautiful I have ever seen- his spirit shines through his eyes and it is BEAUTIFUL!

Please pray for Julius' parents today as they remember him and his amazing life. I know that they will appreciate any thoughts, prayers, and words you are able to spare.

♥♥♥ Julius ♥♥♥

Walk to Remember

The first Saturday of October Nygel and I were able to attend a beautiful Walk to Remember hosted by the local MEND chapter. And even better my mom, sister, and niece were able to come with us to honor our little Aiden.

I was blown away with how lovely the ceremony was. As this was my first year attending I wasn't sure what to expect. There were so many people and the location had to be changed this year to accommodate more families. It breaks my heart that so many people are missing their sweet little ones......but I'm so happy they had the chance to remember together in this way.

I also had the chance to see my friends Fran and Mary at the ceremony- remembering their sweet girls Jenna and Olivia.

Everything was beautifully decorated and so perfect for all the precious babies being remembered. I absolutely LOVED the Magnolia trees {my favorite tree ever} that were used for families to hang their memorial ornaments.

Beautiful Program

Nygel and I with our remembrance bracelets- love that he wears his bracelet on other random days too :)

Aiden's Ornament

Kayla with her balloon and note to Aiden. The bottom of the balloon says- "Love your big cousin Kayla...."

Everyone getting ready to walk with their balloons

Nygel capturing the moment

So many balloons.....so many precious little lives ♥

It really was a beautiful day and I'm so glad I was able to participate. This will most definitely be a yearly family event for us.

Love you always and forever my little Aiden ♥♥♥♥♥

How are you remembering your angel this year?

11 Months of Tears

This morning the tears are falling so quickly.....so constantly.

I can't believe it's been 11 months.  11 months without Aiden.  11 months full of more tears than I ever knew were possible.

How the hell did we get to almost a year without our son?  Time is so crazy- it feels like my life stopped last November while everyone else's has moved on. But at the same time I feel like time had flown by- I mean a year without him seems to have gotten here so quickly. It's crazy.

I have so many thoughts in my head but I feel like I've said them all before. "Why isn't Aiden here?" "Why do I have to go through the rest of my life without him?" "Can I just rewind things and go back to when he was almost here- and change things?" I feel like a broken record just waiting for someone to fix me......if only this was fixable.

Yesterday I had the chance to attend a gorgeous memorial service for families who have lost precious little angels. I'll share more from that ceremony soon but I did want to share this picture now:

They created absolutely beautiful ornaments for all the families and I cried when I saw Aiden's. It's perfect and will always have a special place in our home.

I'm not sure how I'm going to handle this next month and I live in fear of November 2nd. I pray that God continues to hold us in his arms and that my Aiden will be remembered on his birthday.

We do have plans to donate Hope Boxes in memory of Aiden for his Birthday through our Aiden's Hope organization. The website is still a work in progress but you can check it out here to see what we're up to right now. I will be doing a post about that soon and how you can help if you are interested.

We are also asking everyone to remember him on his birthday- say a prayer, release a balloon, light a candle......anything that's on your heart. We just want him to feel loved and missed all the way up there in Heaven. If you do decide to do something for Aiden we'd love to see a picture :)

Right now what I have planned for his birthday is to donate his Hope Boxes and have small dinner with our family. We'll be baking a cake for Aiden and sending him some special balloons. It will be a quiet day- not sure I can handle too much more than that. Again your prayers are much appreciated.

I got the sweetest text last night from our friend John. You may remember me writing about how good he has been to us in this post. Last night he sent me a text to ask how the memorial service was that day. I told him about it and that we thought it was really beautiful. He went on to tell me that he had been thinking about all 3 of us as it got closer to Aiden's birthday and that he loved us. It is so wonderful to have someone acknowledge your child, your grief, your loss, and that child's importance in the world. I can't say thank you enough to John and the other wonderful friends that always keep us close to their hearts.

:::

Dear Aiden,

I miss you, I love you, I miss you more.

I wish you were here with us. I hope and pray that you hear me every day when I tell you I love you. I would give anything to see you, feel you, hold you again. Thank you for always being there for mommy and daddy and for looking out for your baby brother. I feel you with us always.

I don't know when the day will come where I'll get to see you again. But I'll be waiting, patiently, for that day- the day our family can be whole again.

As we get closer to your birthday I worry about how I'll handle things. I worry about whether I will make it through the day. One thing is for certain though. We will be remembering you! How could we not do everything possible to remember such a beautiful soul, such a precious life. You will be celebrated little man!

As long as I'm living I'll never forget to remember you.........

I love you baby boy, forever and always......

Love Mommy

The Morning.....

Via

Mornings are my time. 

I go to bed really early most nights and I've pretty much done that since I was a kid :) Old soul.....

Since I go to bed early I wake up early too. And I like it. The mornings are my time to watch whatever I want on tv, catch up on stuff online/e-mails, and a lot of days just pull out a good book to read. I love my mornings to myself. Nygel is asleep, the animals are quiet {for the most part}, no phones ringing, just me and my thoughts. I usually think about 5 million things- how I feel about stuff, conversations I've had in the last few days, things I need to do that week. Sometimes I shut my brain off and just enjoy a Lifetime movie.

It's my me time.

When I was pregnant with Aiden I was excited for so many things :) Feeding him, sticking my nose in his little baby fat rolls, kissing his soft feet, brushing his hair (because I just knew it would look like mine when I was a baby), seeing him with his daddy......so many things. One of the things I was most looking forward to was the time I knew we would share together in the mornings. The time when we were the only ones who were up and the rest of the house was still quiet. 

I was completely ready/thrilled/overjoyed to trade in my me time for my us time.

Nygel is a night person so I knew that in the mornings I would have time to myself with my little man. I pictured us snuggling, me reading to him, tons of sweet kisses, playing with his feet, and probably a lot of me just staring at his amazingness. Lots of mommy and Aiden time ♥

I hate that he's not here to share my mornings. I miss Aiden so much. September is a little more than a week from being over it's even more painfully real that I am that much closer to being a year without my son. That means 365 days of not having any morning time together. A whole year of not being able to share my mornings with my sweet little baby boy. I still can't believe some days that he is really gone.

This morning I'm so wishing I could have some Mommy and Aiden time.  Oh how I long to share my mornings with him........