Fix You.....

I shared in this post the lovely slide show my husband made in October to remember our sweet little Aiden and the time we had with him....it was simply beautiful.

Fix You was one of the songs Nygel used in the slide show. Completely fitting because all he has tried to do since we lost Aiden is fix me. I have this song on my current play list and I cry every time I hear it. I wish I didn't have to be fixed.......

I looked into the song in more detail and learned that the song is thought to have been written by Chris Martin for his wife Gwyneth Paltrow after her father passed away. It was a song to help someone grieving a terrible loss. Supposedly when she returned from the hospital after her father passed she told Chris he was the only one who could fix her.

I get that. I would not be standing today if Nygel had not spent the last 14 months trying to fix me. I am truly blessed.

The song lyrics are often stuck in my head these days. Especially these words:

And the tears come streaming down your face

When you lose something you can't replace 

When you love someone, but it goes to waste 

Could it be worse?

I've lost something so dear and precious....someone who can never be replaced. Aiden isn't here and that is so horrible and wrong.

But some how on this journey, on this terrible road, I'm slowly becoming fixed. 

Now let's get this straight- I am in no way my old self.  I'm no longer the girl who was naive to the terrible tragedies that can occur when you are trying to bring a new life into this world. I'm still struggling and will always long for my Aiden. I can't tolerate a bunch of crap and people who don't appreciate their precious children make me sick. I will NEVER be the old me. I will ALWAYS have sad/hard/overwhelmingly horrible days. I will still always wonder why my little Aiden is not here with us. Having Mason does not remove the pain of losing Aiden. I will forever work to make sure Aiden's life is remembered.

But the love of my husband, my sweet sweet children, and the hope I have for the future has slowly, slowly, slowly begun to build me back up. I'm not fixed and I know never will be completely. But I have faith that I will continue to heal and become the best new me I can be. And all I can do is my best.

Tears stream down on your face

When you lose something you cannot replace 

Tears stream down on your face 

And I... 

Lights will guide you home 

And ignite your bones 

And I will try to fix you

My Family

Dear Aiden......

Dear Aiden,

I can't believe how long it's been since I posted here on your blog. Almost 20 days!

It's not because I haven't thought of you.....far from it. I think of you every.single.day my sweet boy. You are and always will be my first born son. And I love you today just as I always have....with all my heart.

My words and thoughts have just been a jumbled mess lately. I have so many emotions running through my heart and my brain it's hard to keep track of them all. Everything just sounds too mixed up when I start to write it down. I have even started to post before and then just saved it as a draft.

Why?

Well it's complicated I guess. Just like everything else in my life since the day I lost you.

Your little brother Mason came into this world screaming and flailing his arms 24 days ago. I know you saw mommy crying like a baby. Some of my tears were tears of joy- joy for the beautiful life that is your baby brother. There were also tears of pain, hurt, and sorrow- pain because you are not here, sorrow because I never got to hear you scream or see you wave your arms around like a mad man, hurt because I miss you so very much.

I feel like I will forever be a mix of conflicting emotions. Every good and happy thing will also always remind me of what I'm missing- you.

I never thought that someone could exist in such a tangled mess of feelings and thoughts.

But yet I am.

I'm happy because Mason makes a funny face or scowls at me for taking too many pictures of him. And my heart is so full of joy! And then I think of how much I want to see a smile on your gorgeous face and it breaks my heart all over again because that will never happen.

It's so hard Aiden.

I know you are here with us but it's just still so wrong that you can't be physically here with us. I really don't think I'll ever stop asking myself why.

And people.....well....people are just funny. Or crazy. Or crazy stupid idiots.

I am always shocked at how many people think that I'm "healed/cured/ok now/not the girl to be avoided anymore" now that your brother is here.

I will never forget you Aiden. You will always be remembered. I can't replace one child with another and I have no idea how people expect me to.  I love you both equally and I will love you both forever.

I guess I say all this to say that I miss you and I love you and nothing will ever change that. I will always wish you were here. I will always make sure Mason knows what an amazing big brother he has. With every drop of love in my heart and soul I will always be the best mom I can to you in Heaven and Mason (and any other brothers or sisters you may have later on) here on Earth.

Thank you so much for always being close to us. I see the way Mason stares at the light coming in from the windows and I know you are talking to him- I know he can see and feel you too.

I pray you will always know the strength of my love for you. It will last forever and ever.

I love you Aiden, always.

Love,
Mama

Baby Jack.......Is Here!

Aiden, Nygel, and I wanted to share with you all that Baby Jack is HERE!!!!

Mason William

He was born Tuesday, December 6, 2011 at 12:57 pm and weighed 5 pounds 7 ounces. I have to tell you that this little man has already stolen my heart! We are all doing really well- just getting used to our new routine {HA if you can call it that!} Mommy and Daddy are exhausted but we are loving every minute of it!

I'll do my best to get back to posting soon!!!!

Giveaway Winner!!!

Hey everyone! Just a quick post to update you guys on the winner of my Christmas ornament giveaway in honor of Aiden.

There were 9 comments {between the original post and the reminder post from Sunday} and according to Random.org the winner is...............

#9 Tiffany for her sweet baby boy Julius!!! So glad this ornament is going to such an awesome mama- I know it will be treasured this Christmas and those for years to come! Thank you all for entering and for sharing with me the ways you are remembering your angels this year. I wish I could send an ornament to you all for your babies!

Again wishing everyone a heart full of peace as this holiday season continues.......xoxo

Just a Few Reminders.....

I hope everyone has had a peaceful weekend. I just wanted to remind you of a few things before I hit the sack this evening. Sooooooo tired!!!

First the blog series "12 Days of Christmas With You in Heaven" is still going on over at Small Bird Studios. Yesterday my dear friend Tiffany {Julius' Mama} posted a lovely memorial candle tutorial which I think is just a fabulous way to remember your little ones. I'll definitely be trying this one myself! So many moms have already shared the amazing ways they are remembering their angels during this series and I know you'll want to read more about it. If you'd like to read my post in the series you can check it out here!

By the way, Tiffany is also hosting a great giveaway on her blog in honor of Juju. The winner will have a $25 donation made to the charity of their choice. So be sure to stop by her blog and enter to win!


The second reminder I wanted to share is about the giveaway right here on the blog that ends TOMORROW!!!! It's for this beautiful ornament in memory of your angel- just in time to place it on the Christmas tree!

If you'd like to enter please comment on this post with the name of your angel and how you are remembering them this Christmas season. I will draw and announce a winner tomorrow! Good luck!!! 

Happy 13 Months Aiden

Via

If I had a single flower for every time I think about you, I could walk forever in my garden. 

~Claudia Ghandi

Dear Aiden,

As I sit here this morning I can't help but think about what you would be doing if you were here with me. I picture what your face at 13 months would look like. I wonder how long your gorgeous hair would be right now. I like to think you'd be showering me with some fabulous smiles! I wish I was holding my 13 month old son this morning {and every morning}.

I miss you baby boy......so much......always.

Mama has been struggling a lot with so many things lately. So much is on my mind. So much worry and anxiety. So much longing to hold you again. I have felt you so close to me and I know it's because you know I need you. And I love you for that. For always showing your self in the most special ways when I need you the most. I hope you always feel the strength of my love for you.

Have you noticed all the decorating Daddy and I have been doing for Christmas? I think I may have a new idea of something to do for you every day- lol! As long as I'm here no one will ever forget that you are my son. That you are so very loved. And you'll be a special part of our holidays forever.

I hope today that you play, laugh, get lots of tickles, and always always know how much Daddy and I love you.

Happy 13 months Aiden! Sending all my love my sweet boy ♥♥♥

Love,
Mama

Remembering Aiden at Christmas

A few days ago I had the chance to guest post on the Small Bird Studios blog during the series "12 Days of Christmas With You in Heaven". The series was put together by my lovely friend Fran and allows several BLMs the chance to share special ways they will remember their babies at Christmas.  This series is STILL going on so please go by and read the other posts! It's truly amazing what other BLMs are doing to remember their little ones.

Thank you all so much for your lovely comments on Aiden's candle holder! I'm so glad you like it and I can't wait to see what all of you come up with! If you didn't get to see it you can read the post here and get the tutorial on how to make the candle holder. Just as a little update I have made this again with spray gloss and I like using it better than the paint on gloss. You can check out Aiden's candle holder right here:

:::

As a baby loss mom I do everything in my power to keep my son's memory alive and make sure he is always a part of the daily lives of our family and close friends. I know many of you have shared ways you are including your babies in your holiday and I also know many people are still looking for ways to include their babies. Today I want to share with you some of the other special ways we're including Aiden in our Christmas celebration this year.  

Last year Christmas was a painfully hard time because we were less than 2 months into our grief.  I wasn't able to do a lot to honor Aiden but then again I wasn't able to do a lot period......  

The one thing I was able to do last year was get this beautiful ornament with his footprints on it that is a treasure to us:

This ornament was made by Kristi at Bugabooo Jewelry. She's an angel mommy herself and her son Alex was the inspiration for her shop. You can check out her Etsy shop and Facebook page if you have some time- she makes beautiful remembrance jewelry and ornaments.

Last year I ordered Aiden's ornament so late and she still got it to me before Christmas- amazing!!!! We were so proud to place it on our tree last year and we actually had several made for his grandparents, aunts, and godparents to put on their trees as well. The ornament has stayed close to his urn since last Christmas but once the Christmas tree went back up the ornament was given a special place once again. Here are a few pics of it on the tree:

I've decided that Aiden will get some new ornaments every year. This year I purchased one ornament that's still on it's way and I also took on the project of making an ornament myself. Here is the ornament I purchased:

I love it and can't wait to get it in the mail! 

For my homemade ornament I actually got the idea from my support group at Bo's Place and it was pretty simple to make. One of the projects they had us complete during a session was to fill a glass ornament with ribbon and strips of paper. The strips of paper were used to write messages to our babies and at any time we could go in and add more strips to the ornament. So anytime you want to write a note to your baby you can. Isn't that lovely???? The paper we used was beautifully colored wrapping paper and makes the ornament just gorgeous.

So for Aiden's ornament this year I found some beautiful sparkly scrapbook paper, gold letters, pearls, ribbon, small snowflake ornaments, and a some glitter of course! I put it all together in the glass ornament and this is what I came up with:

What do you think? I love it! It turned out just how I wanted it to! Here's a few pictures of the ornament on the tree this year:

Yep I'm being a super crafty mama this year!

:::

Aiden also has a beautiful stocking going up this year. Last year I ordered new stockings for Nygel, myself, and Aiden and I LOVED the way they turned out. But after we lost him I just couldn't bring myself to hang any of the stockings. So they stayed in their packages.

This year Aiden's stocking will be hung around the fireplace with all the other family stockings. We won't be purchasing gifts for his stocking but rather filling it with letters from the family. I've asked everyone to hand write him a note or letter and we'll add them to the stocking. We'll read them at some point during the day on Christmas. I think it's a great way for us to share our love with him that day. I love writing to Aiden so I'm going to be placing a nice LONG letter in his stocking!

Once I get all the stocking hung and the fireplace decorated I'll post more pics so you can see all our stockings hung up for the holiday.

:::

The next thing I did was get a special Christmas picture made with Aiden's name to include in our Christmas cards. It's important to me that people remember that Aiden is a part of our family even though he lives in Heaven. I want to make sure that everyone has this special picture to put out with all their other cards and hopefully it will bring a smile to their faces every time they walk past and remember his beautiful life. Carly Marie took this amazing image for me:

Isn't it beautiful?!?! I plan to have a different picture done each year to include in our Christmas cards. I may even do the pictures myself a few times!

:::

We purchased a cure little pre-lit Christmas tree to put on our front porch this year. It's really lovely and sits in a nice brown planter pot. As you know dragonflies remind me so much of my little guy and we have them all over our front yard including his garden. I wanted to have some dragonflies on the outside Christmas tree as well and I was THRILLED when my mom and I found these cute guys!!! 

They are perfect!  Here is the outside tree on the porch when it's all lit up:

I'm loving my outside tree!

:::

Finally Nygel and I decided a while back that we are going to sponsor a child at Christmas each year who is the same age that Aiden would be. The holidays are about love and giving and for us giving to a child is such an appropriate way to remember our precious son. This year we will be helping a one year old little boy and it really warms my heart to know we'll be helping a child in need in honor of our sweet little Aiden. Hopefully we'll bring some light and happiness into his life the same way Aiden continues to fill our life with love and joy.

The Salvation Army has teamed up with JC Penny to set up a great Angel Tree program which allows you to help a child get what they need and want for Christmas. The great thing about it is you can search online the list of angels by age, location, and gender, review their wish list, shop for the items they need, and ship it all off right from home! Which is great for me as I'm doing ALL of our Christmas shopping this year online to decrease the amount of waddling around I have to do! If you are interested in sponsoring a child yourself take a look at their website here to get more information. Again I can't think of a better way to honor Aiden this year and every year.

So there you go- how we'll be remembering Aiden this Christmas. I'm sure as the years go on I'll come up with more ways or different things I'd like to do to include Aiden in the holidays. I can't wait until Baby Jack is old enough to help us remember his brother each year!

:::

As a way to celebrate Aiden and your angels this Christmas I'd like to do a special giveaway!!!!! YAY!!! I'm giving away an ornament similar to Aiden's. The exact ornament isn't available anymore but here is the image of the beautiful one that I'll be giving away in it's place:

This ornament is also made by Bugaboo Jewelry and it can be personalized with your baby's footprints/handprints, name, and birth date. If you'd like to enter please leave a comment with the name of the angel you would get this ornament to remember and also share a way you are celebrating/remembering your sweet baby this holiday season. The winner will have the ornament shipped directly to your home. This giveaway is open from now until Sunday, December 4th so I can order the ornament in time to get to you for Christmas. I'll announce the winner on Monday, December 5th!

I know the holidays are a hard hard time for BLMs. I'm wishing you lots of peace and strength as you go through them this year. Remembering your babies with you always...........

Guest Post- 12 Days of Christmas With You in Heaven

I'm so honored to be guest posting at Small Bird Studios today during this amazing series "12 Days of Christmas With You in Heaven". Especially because I get the chance to talk about my sweet Aiden. I have to say thank you to my lovely friend Fran for allowing me to share with her readers my sweet baby boy and one of the special ways we're remembering him this Christmas.

If you have some time please stop over and read my post. I'm sharing a tutorial on how to make a personalized frosted candle holder to include in your holiday decorations.

And do go back to Fran's blog for the other days in the series. Many moms will also be sharing with you special ways to remember your children during the holidays.

Oh and please come by my blog on December 1st!!! I'll be sharing the other ways we plan to include Aiden in our Christmas celebration this year and in years to come. There may be a few other special surprises too!!!

Much love to you all......xoxo

****UPDATE**** I made some more candle holders with spray gloss instead of the kind you paint on and I like the way that worked better. Just a suggestion if you're trying out this project!

Thanksgiving

The holidays so are different for me now. They bring up all the memories of our life last year and of the plans I had for our future. A future that is totally different from what I could have ever imagined.

Thanksgiving is a particularly rough one for several reasons.

Last year when we found out we were pregnant with Aiden- 2 months along and having no idea I was carrying our little miracle- we were also told that he had a very special due date.

November 25, 2010- Thanksgiving Day

Nygel and I both thought, "What a blessing! What a miracle! What an amazing thing to be thankful for this year!"

Thanksgiving took on a new meaning for me. I knew that Aiden probably would not arrive right on his due date but I still couldn't help but smile every time I thought about Turkey Day. The day my baby boy was scheduled to make his appearance. It was going to be perfect!

But that happy Thanksgiving was not to be.

Instead on Thanksgiving last year I was less than a month into my grief and trying desperately to hold on to my sanity. And failing........majorly.

In addition to being Aiden's due date, Thanksgiving is also the first holiday we had to make it through after losing him. I don't remember much from that day. I know my mom was here so we had food- although I wasn't really eating anything at that time. I know I probably looked a mess- I was doing good just to shower and change underwear. I know that other people were happy and celebrating all they had to be thankful for- but I couldn't.

I know that all I thought about was Aiden. How could my son be gone? How was this even possible? I want him back!!!!!

I remember many times during that first month waking up and looking out the window thinking it was all just a dream. I would feel so vividly that I was still pregnant. That Aiden was still moving. That we still had the chance to bring him home.

And then I would reach down and hold my tummy- trying to feel my little man. And reality would come crashing back down on me like a ton of bricks.

He was gone. Forever.

So Thanksgiving is a rough day. This year it fell on the 24th which meant I had both yesterday and today {Aiden's due date} to think about how different life should be. I made it through yesterday without any tears although even the smallest things {like folding laundry last night} brought my mind right to Aiden. I remember so well last year washing and folding all his little clothes and the precious "baby things" basket I used to hold his laundry.

This morning is different.

As I type this and Baby Jack kicks away in my tummy I am a mess of tears. I have so much to be thankful for but there is always a huge {ginormous} piece of me that is forever missing, forever tugging at my heart, forever leaving me incomplete.

My Aiden.

I'm forever thankful that he's a part of me and forever sad that we had to say goodbye to him way too soon.

I guess for me the holidays will always be difficult mix of sweet and bitter, happy and sad.

I pray that you all have peace as you remember and give thanks for the precious little miracle babies that fill your hearts today and always.........

Dear Aiden......

Dear Aiden,

This morning I was driving in to work at 6 am for an early meeting and listening to some music on the radio. It was so dark because of the time change {plus mommy does NOT go to work at 6 am on a regular basis} so it was kinda weird driving in today.

My mind went to you {as it does so very often} and I was taken back to your birthday last year. I remembered how much I wanted to see your face. To finally meet the little person who had been growing inside me for 9 months. And I remember that morning....how in an instant all my hopes and dreams were crushed. You were gone.

And yet I still imagined your face.......

Would you have my eyes or nose? Your daddy's ears or lips?

What would my precious boy look like?

This morning as I drove I remembered the instant I laid eyes on you for the first time. How beautiful and perfect you were. How absolutely amazing it was to see you finally after waiting so long. That gorgeous face- so perfect and so like your daddy's. It brought tears to my eyes then as it did this morning.

Today was just one of those hard days. One of those days where I wish I could rewind time and do something {anything} differently and save you. One of those days where I want to just crawl back in the bed and pretend that you're here with us- that things are different.

I wish I could see you again, hold you again, kiss you again. I wish I could have your here with me now.

I miss you so much baby boy. Some days it still seems so unreal that we are living this life without you. That your first birthday in Heaven was just 13 days ago. How has it already been 2 weeks? Your due date is coming up in 2 more weeks. And that will be another tough day. So will Christmas. It will be our second Christmas without you. Sigh.......

I'm always reminded of what a precious gift you were to us. Our baby boy, our beautiful angel. You still bring so much love and hope to our lives every day. We love you more than words can ever fully express. I'm so happy to be your mama.

I miss you, I love you......

Love Always,

Mommy