My Vacation

I have been a terrible blogger lately- so sorry guys! I have just been running around like crazy and I haven't had a chance to really sit at my computer for more than a few quick minutes at a time. But here I am and I'm going to try to catch you up on me :)

So last week I got to do something I really needed to do.....I took a vacation and visited with some of my dear BLM friends in Minnesota!

And it was great!

I spent 4 days visiting with some amazing moms who I am so very lucky to call my friends......Noah's mommy- Jenna, Julius' mommy- Tiffany, Stevie's mommy- Kristin, Ellie's mommy- Tiffany, and River's mommy- Deanna.

I can't tell you how nice it was to meet all of them in person. I already felt like I knew them all so well- now after my trip I ♥ them even more!!!!  Totally fabulous women!

Honestly before this trip I was getting very close to a breaking point. Lots of sadness, anger, regret.  Being able talk freely about Aiden was so great for me. I was able to share as much as I wanted without worrying that people might think I was "crazy, "bitter", or "someone who needed to get over it." They got it. They get me. It was really just what I needed.

Let me share my trip with you........

Saturday Tiffany and I got settled in our hotel and went to dinner with Jenna who was so sweet to pick us up from the airport and take us around all week. She is amazing!

On Sunday we had the chance to go to a brunch in honor of moms who had lost children or who have children with serious illnesses. This event was hosted by Chad Greenway who plays for Nygel's favorite NFL team- the Minnesota Vikings!

Table Centerpieces

   And we got some beautiful Vera Bradley bags! Yay! I love, love, love Vera Bradley and have a ton of her stuff already! I was super excited to get a new tote bag in the color I had been drooling over- Lemon Parfait!

We spent the rest of the afternoon making some lovely pottery. Everyone did so well with their pieces- I can't wait to get mine in the mail soon!

One of my pieces- a monkey for my little man!

We left pottery and got a little lost from each other! Ha! That's what happens when you have 3 cars!!! Here we are waiting on the rest of our group:

Jenna with her frozen drink :)

T & T

The we went to a cool spot called Cafeteria for dinner. I had the Thanksgiving Dinner special and it was quite tasty! And yes it was served on a cafeteria tray! HA!!!

Whew- it was a busy day! But great! 

The next day Tiffany and I hung out by ourselves for a little bit and I got some beautiful flower pics:

Then we got to visit Noah's special spot and take some lovely balloons for Noah, Aiden, and Julius. 

Of course one of Aiden's Balloons got stuck in a tree! It made it's way out slowly :)

One of Aiden's Balloons

And there were so many dragonflies everywhere- just beautiful! They were so many different colors of dragonflies but this gold one was one of my favorites!

We also got to meet Jenna's mom for lunch this day. She made us so much food! OMG we had chicken salad, egg salad, tuna salad, pasta salad, watermelon, and a yummy banana and chocolate dessert. And Jenna's mom was just as sweet and lovely as Jenna :) So glad we got the chance to meet her!

My last day in Minnesota I got to go to a special Ellie's Light event.  It was a bowling night/silent auction and I was so happy to get to help with one of the events- the Balloon Pop. I was not the best balloon string person (yes it took me forever to tie the string to the balloons!) but I was able to do much better with the people popping the balloons and getting prizes!

Got all the balloons blown up and tied!

I got the chance to make some blocks for Ellie which were displayed at the Balloon Pop!

Jenna and Tiffany drawing names for door prizes- love that horse!

Tiffany manning the Balloon Pop in her cute Ellie's Light t-shirt!

The whole event was just amazing and I'm so glad I got to be there with Tiffany for her baby girl's lovely night! 

So that was my trip- really such a great time. I know there were some other things in between that I am probably leaving off this post but we really stayed busy the whole time- and I loved it! I came back very rested and happy! Thanks ladies for everything! Love you all!!!

I Miss Him

I know that I've probably said it many many times before.........but......

I miss him.

So very very much.........sigh

I pulled out his pictures yesterday morning to look at them. Sometimes I cannot get over how much he looks like Nygel. His little mini me. He is just so beautiful in all his pictures.........

One day I may get the strength to share more than just his hands and feet on this blog. One day I may be able to show you that gorgeous face, the head full of beautiful soft curly hair, and the round little tummy that you could see so well- even with his onesie on........just beautiful. One day I hope I can share him more but I'm just not ready yet........

I miss Aiden every.single.day.

I know that I don't cry as much as I used to and I know that I am able to keep it together for longer periods of time.....BUT.....when the tears do come, boy do they come.

They definitely came yesterday as I looked at the beautiful pictures taken by our NILMDTS photographer. As I looked at my amazingly handsome son. As I imagined what he would look like today and what his pictures might turn out like now.

I miss him.........I miss him so much.........

I Was Here

Anyone else like Beyonce? I think she's great. Love all her music and I can relate to so many of her songs. Her newest CD "4" came out last week.  As I scanned through the songs to hear all the dance and love tracks I was happy that I had something new and fun to listen to. Bobbed my head right along to all the songs.

And then......my breath was taken away when I heard song number 11.

I Was Here

It's like she wrote this song just for me. To remind me that my son was here.....he was important.....his life meant something.......

I think this song could apply to anyone that has lost a loved one. But for me it takes me straight to my sweet Aiden.

I break down in tears every time I hear this song..........

beyonce_-_i_was_here

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Here are the lyrics:

I wanna leave my footprints on the sands of time 

Know there was something that, and something that I left behind 

When I leave this world, I'll leave no regrets 

Leave something to remember, so they won't forget 

I was here... 

I lived, I loved 

I was here... 

I did, I've done, everything that I wanted 

And it was more than I thought it would be 

I will leave my mark so everyone will know 

I was here... 

I want to say I lived each day, until I died 

I know that I had something in, somebody's life 

The hearts I have touched, will be the proof that I leave 

That I made a difference, and this world will see 

I was here... 

I lived, I loved 

I was here... 

I did, I've done, everything that I wanted 

And it was more than I thought it would be 

I will leave my mark so everyone will know 

I was here... 

I was here... 

I lived, I loved 

I was here... 

I did, I've done, everything that I wanted 

And it was more than I thought it would be 

I will leave my mark so everyone will know 

I was here... 

I just want them to know 

That I gave my all, did my best 

Brought someone to happiness 

Left this world a little better just because... 

I was here... 

I was here... 

I lived, I loved 

I was here... 

I did, I've done, everything that I wanted 

And it was more than I thought it would be 

I will leave my mark so everyone will know 

I was here...

Aiden was here.......

He lived in me for 36 weeks......

He loved me and his daddy so very much.......

He left this world a better place because he was here....

He touched so many hearts and made a difference in this world with his little life.....

He brought so much happiness to so many people.....just because.....he was here.....

Aiden left this world a better place......

And I'll never let anyone forget it or take away from me the fact that my son was here.

8 Months

Dear Aiden,

Happy 8 months little man! I hope that you have a super fun day today with all your angel friends. We'll be hanging out with family today but know that you are in my thoughts throughout everything I do.

Today is hard but I think the hardest part is that I'm feeling further and further away from you. Time just keeps passing and I want to scream at it to stop!!! I don't cry every day anymore. I don't break down in public places or lose it when I see a baby. I don't have to fight the urge that tells me to stay in bed all day in a ball.

I don't want to be further away from you but I know this gradual healing- this being ok- is something I have to do. It doesn't take me away from you. Nope you're always with me. It just takes me closer to the person I have to be until I can see you again.

And although I feel ok today I know that tomorrow I could relapse back into utter despair. And I know that's ok. That's what grief is. And I will allow myself to feel whatever I need to to grieve for you baby.

Know that I love you always and forever. You will always be with me. I carry you in my heart. For my whole life- and the after life- you will be my Aiden William,

I love you baby boy......forever and ever you are my precious precious angel.

Love,

Mommy

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

July 1st

Wow I can't believe it's July already. Time is a crazy thing......it somehow manages to move quickly and stand still all at once.

This week has been a rough. Lots of stress, lots of worry, lots of anger, lots of times I've asked myself "Why?" to so many things.

Today on July 1st I'm reminded that tomorrow....July 2nd....will be 8 months without Aiden. 8 months since I've held him. 8 months since my life changed forever. I miss my baby so much. I wish he was here.

I have promised myself to stress less and that's my goal for now.....baby steps to less stress. Trusting in God's grace and letting go of trying to understand or handle these things myself.

My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. 

~2 Corinthians 12:9

Happy List Saturdays #16

Sorry I'm so late posting this today!  I hope you all are having a great Saturday!! I will get my list up tomorrow as we are getting ready for dinner! 

Don't forget that this is the last "weekly" Happy List Saturdays.  I'll be posting it the last Saturday of each month from now on- hope you will continue to join me in sharing what makes you happy :)

Just being all over the place today

I haven't posted since Saturday- it's been a busy week. But I've been trying to keep up with everyone's posts and comment as much as possible (although Blogger still drives me crazy some days).

In the last few days I've been up and down. Happy and sad.  Going along this crazy grief roller coaster and praying I don't fall off.

This morning I feel a bunch of different ways and I have a million thoughts floating through my head.  I'll do my best to make sense of them and share.

I've been meaning to post this picture:

I got this beautiful necklace a few weeks ago and I haven't taken it off since! Sue Ella from Sue-Ella Signature Designs created this beautiful piece for me and shipped it all the way from Australia! I cannot tell you how much I LOVE it!!!  I hope the picture does it justice because it really is stunning! The angel wing is so heavy and beautiful! I love the silver chain everything hangs from. She put a lovely blue pearl on it as a reminder of my favorite color for Aiden and the back of the wing contains a picture of Aiden's footprints.  And of course it contains sand from Christian's Beach in Australia.

I love it- so perfect! It really makes me feel close to Aiden which I need so much right now.

Thank you Sue! You are amazing my friend!  Please please check out her page if you haven't yet. I promise you won't be disappointed with anything you order from her. And on top of that she really is just a fabulously awesome lady! So sweet and caring :)

I've also been thinking that I want to start doing Happy List Saturdays once a month instead of every week.  I think once a month will give everyone a chance to really think about what they are happy about at that moment.  I will do the list tomorrow and then if it's ok with you guys I'll start posting it the last Saturday of each month.  If you completely disagree with this let me know otherwise that's the plan.

And now for the rough stuff.........

I participated in a photo challenge last week with Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope and Be Young Photography.  I wanted to share with you the picture I submitted:

Aiden's Outfit

This is my absolute favorite outfit of Aiden's. I would take this out of the closet and just stare at it before he was born.  I pictured him in the outfit looking super cute and rolling around in his stroller :) Now I look at it with such sadness because he will never wear this. As a matter of fact he would have out grown it by now as it was for a 3 month old baby. I shared this as a part of the photo challenge for where I am right now in my grief. I'm constantly reminded of things that I will never do with him, never see him do. Dreams we had that will never come to be....

I remembered yesterday something Aiden's godmother told me before he was born- she and her hubby (Aiden's godfather) were looking forward to getting him from us and hanging out, playing with him, and taking him places. And she was excited because she was finally going to have a godchild that looked like her! It just made me realize how were weren't the only ones looking forward to his little life.

Aiden was so loved, so wanted, so dreamed about.  There were so many things so many people hoped for and looked forward to. Most of all Nygel and I.......I miss my little boy so much.

I cried so much as I took this picture last week. For what I've lost, for what will never be, for what I wish I could hold onto for just a moment longer........memories that are slowing fading that I wish wouldn't........

I cried for my son.

So that's what's in my head this morning. Too much. Too heavy.

Happy List Saturdays #15

This week I thought I'd do something a little different with my happy list :)  Another bloggy friend told me about a cool website to make my own virtual post-its!  I love it!  So here's my list in post-its!

That's my list for this week- what did you think of my post its?????  I can't wait to read what has made you all happy! Hope everyone has a great weekend!!!

New Blog Directory!

Good morning everyone! I just wanted to share with you the new Pregnancy and Infant Loss Blog Directory Rachel started for BLMs. When you get a moment check out this link and to see the great things she's doing! It's such a great way to connect with other moms who understand your story.

I hope everyone has a great Friday!

Right Where I Am: 7 Months, 1 Week, 4 Days

Today I'm participating in Right Where I Am Project created by Angie at Still Life With Circles. I'm sure some of you have seen the posts by other moms but if not you have to check out the project.  There are so many great posts by a lot of great mamas who share where they are in this journey of grief.

So I have been wanting to write this post for a while now but for some reason I just couldn't. Don't really know why.....maybe I didn't want to think about how in this 7 months, 1 week, and 4 days time has basically stood still for me.  Maybe I just didn't want to think about how long it's really been since I held my precious Aiden in my arms.

Where am I in my grief today?

Well it really just depends on the day.  Most days I do ok.  I can smile, work, talk to people, shop for food and household items.  This is definitely a change from November when I could barely even get out of the bed.  So that's progress right?  I take baths, brush my teeth, comb my hair.  I even get my toes polished and my eyebrows waxed.  On the outside I look normal....I think.

On the inside.  Well that's a different story.  And that's where the "depends on the day" comes in to play. Most days on the inside I can be the new person I've become.  I have learned how to function in my grief. I have learned how to talk to non BLMs about non baby loss things. Sometimes I even really care. But most of the time I'm just faking it. Sigh.....I get so tired of faking it sometimes which I've blogged about before.

But then there are the bad days. The days where the grief is overwhelming. Where I miss my son so much it physically hurts. Where I am very angry. How can this be my life- yes I still ask that question every day. How is my Aiden gone.  Why can't I be with him, hold him, smell him, see him.......

There are days where I just want to give up. When I'm just done.

I want to scream and cry and throw myself on the floor in despair......I want to hide from life.  I want this all to be over.

I miss my son. I miss the life I had before. I miss being happy and carefree.

It just plain sucks.

There are days where people hurt me. People who I expected to be there for me who aren't- family and friends. There are days when I'm so mad that people ignore my grief, my son, my reality.  I hate that people expect me to just "be ok" because it's been 7 months.  I love the comment, "Well no one wants to bring it up to you because they don't want to upset you." Are you kidding me?  Like I'm just so happy right? Like hearing my son's name or hearing that someone still cares enough to ask about him or me would hurt me.  At least it wouldn't be like he never existed.

But I can't control other people.  I can't make people care enough to think of Nygel and I.  I don't even know how to make people understand that for us this will never be "over" and done with. The fact that so many people try to make me get over it is a painful thing I deal with daily. So I accept the fact that people "care" but they don't want to "hurt" me.

What I really think is this- people don't want to think about what happened to me because then....gasp....they might have to face the reality that it could happen to them. So I guess right now where I am in my grief is disgusted, fed up, shocked, and hurt by people I thought cared about me. And I'm slowly cutting people out of my life. I thought it would hurt more but it's honestly been very healing.

I think the most important thing about me right now is that I have changed in positive ways. I am dedicated to giving myself and my time to others going through what I went through in November.  I am more compassionate to people experiencing a loss- any kind of loss. I am so very very thankful for the things that God has blessed Nygel and I with- and he really has given us so much. He continues to bless us everyday and I can't say enough prayers of thanks. I treasure our time with family and friends because I know life is brief and fragile. I know things can change in a heartbeat. I do my best to be someone Aiden can look down on from Heaven and be proud of when he sees me. And I think right now I'm doing ok with that.

I miss my son with all my heart. I grieve with all my heart. But am also thankful. Thankful for the time I got to have him with me. Thankful for all the kicks, and ultrasound photos, and quiet time with just Aiden and I. I would give anything to have a moment back with him but I know that the time we had was special and perfect. I know that God gave me an amazing son and the chance to know him.  I know that Aiden has changed my life forever and that I am a better person because of him. I know that I will never get over losing him but I also know that he would want his mama to continue to grow stronger and heal. I know one day I will see him again and that gives me hope.

I will be his mama forever! I will love him forever!

And that's where I am right now......I'm Aiden's mama.