Just being all over the place today

I haven't posted since Saturday- it's been a busy week. But I've been trying to keep up with everyone's posts and comment as much as possible (although Blogger still drives me crazy some days).

In the last few days I've been up and down. Happy and sad.  Going along this crazy grief roller coaster and praying I don't fall off.

This morning I feel a bunch of different ways and I have a million thoughts floating through my head.  I'll do my best to make sense of them and share.

I've been meaning to post this picture:

I got this beautiful necklace a few weeks ago and I haven't taken it off since! Sue Ella from Sue-Ella Signature Designs created this beautiful piece for me and shipped it all the way from Australia! I cannot tell you how much I LOVE it!!!  I hope the picture does it justice because it really is stunning! The angel wing is so heavy and beautiful! I love the silver chain everything hangs from. She put a lovely blue pearl on it as a reminder of my favorite color for Aiden and the back of the wing contains a picture of Aiden's footprints.  And of course it contains sand from Christian's Beach in Australia.

I love it- so perfect! It really makes me feel close to Aiden which I need so much right now.

Thank you Sue! You are amazing my friend!  Please please check out her page if you haven't yet. I promise you won't be disappointed with anything you order from her. And on top of that she really is just a fabulously awesome lady! So sweet and caring :)

I've also been thinking that I want to start doing Happy List Saturdays once a month instead of every week.  I think once a month will give everyone a chance to really think about what they are happy about at that moment.  I will do the list tomorrow and then if it's ok with you guys I'll start posting it the last Saturday of each month.  If you completely disagree with this let me know otherwise that's the plan.

And now for the rough stuff.........

I participated in a photo challenge last week with Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope and Be Young Photography.  I wanted to share with you the picture I submitted:

Aiden's Outfit

This is my absolute favorite outfit of Aiden's. I would take this out of the closet and just stare at it before he was born.  I pictured him in the outfit looking super cute and rolling around in his stroller :) Now I look at it with such sadness because he will never wear this. As a matter of fact he would have out grown it by now as it was for a 3 month old baby. I shared this as a part of the photo challenge for where I am right now in my grief. I'm constantly reminded of things that I will never do with him, never see him do. Dreams we had that will never come to be....

I remembered yesterday something Aiden's godmother told me before he was born- she and her hubby (Aiden's godfather) were looking forward to getting him from us and hanging out, playing with him, and taking him places. And she was excited because she was finally going to have a godchild that looked like her! It just made me realize how were weren't the only ones looking forward to his little life.

Aiden was so loved, so wanted, so dreamed about.  There were so many things so many people hoped for and looked forward to. Most of all Nygel and I.......I miss my little boy so much.

I cried so much as I took this picture last week. For what I've lost, for what will never be, for what I wish I could hold onto for just a moment longer........memories that are slowing fading that I wish wouldn't........

I cried for my son.

So that's what's in my head this morning. Too much. Too heavy.