Fear and Worry.....

Via

I have always been a worrier.  I worry about stuff that will happen later today and stuff that will happen 30 years from now.  That's just me......I get it from my mom......what can I say?  Since we lost Aiden I worry often about losing people.  I've learned how fragile life really is.....you just never know

This past weekend Nygel went home to Arkansas for a funeral.  His great uncle passed away. Uncle Lawrence was 98 and just stopped driving last year!!  What an amazing man!! Rest in love Uncle Lawrence.

Originally we planned to go home together.  But then we started looking at the $450 plane tickets. And we realized that Cam couldn't be left alone for the time we needed to be gone if we were going to drive because she just got placed on a steroid that makes her pee all the time!  Yes my dog is like a little person...it's crazy.  So we decided I would stay home with her and Nygel would make the drive home alone for the funeral.  Not the ideal situation but we had to make do.

The weekend came and went and I did ok by myself here with Miss Cam.  Even after 3 days I didn't freak out like I usually do. I've watched way too many Lifetime movies and I'm convinced if I'm not careful someone might try to steal me one day when he's gone.  Yes I know a little crazy but hey, I told you I'm a worrier.

When Nygel was about 2 hours from Houston we talked and he told me he was stopping for gas.  I began to cook dinner- I wanted to make him something special because I hadn't seen him since Friday.  I baked a ham, made homemade mac and cheese, baked an apple pie, and was working on some fresh sauteed squash.  I had opened all the windows in the house so the there was a nice fresh breeze when he got home.  There was also lots of light coming into the house from the open blinds.  Cami was laying on the floor by my feet watching me cook.

All of a sudden Cam jumped up and started barking like crazy. The sunlight went away and the house got dark.  The wind started blowing like crazy and the blinds were making so much noise.  I stopped because since Aiden passed I definitely believe in signs.  All of these signs made me nervous.  I waited a little while to see if Nygel would call me back but he didn't....so I called him over and over again with no answer.  I sent him a text to call me.....no answer. I tried to keep making the squash but I was freaking out.....where is my husband??????  Why isn't he answering the phone????

Finally Nygel called me about 30 minutes later.  His phone was acting crazy and he didn't get the calls but he was fine.  I told him what happened and then.....I lost it. I threw myself down on the bed and sobbed on the phone with my husband. All I could think of before he called was that something happened to him. What if he was gone to be with Aiden and I was here all by myself?  How would I survive that???  I could not stop the tears from falling.

Nygel actually made it home about 15 minutes later- he was closer than what he let on because he wanted to surprise me.  I can't tell you how good it felt to hug him when he walked in the door. I felt such......relief.

This fear thing sucks.  I can admit that I've always been a worrier but what I have now is fear. Fear that people I love may not make it home safely. Fear that everyone is going to leave me here by myself. Fear that I just can't explain or control.

I hope that one day I can be less fearful....that I won't worry every time someone is not with me. That I can stop worrying the next pregnancy will end in heartache as well.  That I can put out of my mind the idea that I won't ever be blessed with a baby here on earth.  I'm trying.  But every once in a while something happens that reminds me that my fear is most definitely real and for now it's not going anywhere.......