I Cried Today

I cried today.....I haven't done that in a while {awhile referring to a few days}. 

I remember the last time I cried. It was the night before the March of Dimes Walk. I went to Aiden's room and looked around at his things. I picked up his pictures and cried for what I didn't have...for what I'd never have. That's how Nygel and Cami found me....broken....in the beautiful rocking chair we bought for my little guy. Nygel helped me get to the room and I broke down in the bed again and cried for a long long time. He sat with me until I fell asleep. It was a rough night.

I cried today.....I had to talk about my Aiden and what happened that horrible day in November. I had to talk about how I had a perfect pregnancy.....an awesome amazing baby.....3 weeks left before I was to meet him. And then in the blink of an eye my little man was gone. Forever. And I was broken.....so super broken. And today I had to talk about it......and I cried.

I miss him so much. I long for all the things we planned for him. All the things that I think of as I go about my daily activities.

When I go in the bathroom by his room I picture myself bent over the tub giving him a bath or the cute little white step I wanted to get to put in front of the sink when he was old enough to brush his teeth. 

When I go in my guest room I picture my mom there hanging out on the bed with Aiden- taking care of him while we went to work. Laughing and talking and spoiling him like crazy.

When I look at his garden I picture my 6 month old laying on a blanket in the garden while the rest of us worked on the yard. And then I see myself giving up on the yard work (as I so often do) and laying on the blanket with him. And snuggling......

When I go into my kitchen I picture Aiden in his bouncer watching me cook dinner. I picture the baby food maker I had planned to purchase and all the meals I had planned out for him- sweet potatoes and pears, fresh green beans, and apple sauce. I had have so many recipes!

When I go into my bedroom and I look at our bed I always picture Aiden in the middle of my down comforter. I picture him looking so comfortable wedged between his Daddy and I as Nygel watches basketball and I read a book. Happily playing with his feet or a toy. I long for him to be in our bed instead of on the side of our bed in his urn. It breaks my heart every time......

I long for what I think is his smell. I often go in his closet and smell all the clothes I had washed and ready for him. I wish it were him I was smelling instead. I wish I could feel those soft fingers and toes. I long to kiss his feet and the rolls of fat on his arms and legs.  I wish I could hold my baby........

I cried today......I haven't done that in a while. I cried because I miss my son. No matter what I do I can't ever have him here with me. No matter how many good things happen to us it doesn't outweigh the horrible reality that my son is gone. And no matter how I try to put on a happy face and no matter how many times I really am actually happy......I am still so super broken about losing my precious Aiden.......