Guest Post- 12 Days of Christmas With You in Heaven

I'm so honored to be guest posting at Small Bird Studios today during this amazing series "12 Days of Christmas With You in Heaven". Especially because I get the chance to talk about my sweet Aiden. I have to say thank you to my lovely friend Fran for allowing me to share with her readers my sweet baby boy and one of the special ways we're remembering him this Christmas.

If you have some time please stop over and read my post. I'm sharing a tutorial on how to make a personalized frosted candle holder to include in your holiday decorations.

And do go back to Fran's blog for the other days in the series. Many moms will also be sharing with you special ways to remember your children during the holidays.

Oh and please come by my blog on December 1st!!! I'll be sharing the other ways we plan to include Aiden in our Christmas celebration this year and in years to come. There may be a few other special surprises too!!!

Much love to you all......xoxo

****UPDATE**** I made some more candle holders with spray gloss instead of the kind you paint on and I like the way that worked better. Just a suggestion if you're trying out this project!

Thanksgiving

The holidays so are different for me now. They bring up all the memories of our life last year and of the plans I had for our future. A future that is totally different from what I could have ever imagined.

Thanksgiving is a particularly rough one for several reasons.

Last year when we found out we were pregnant with Aiden- 2 months along and having no idea I was carrying our little miracle- we were also told that he had a very special due date.

November 25, 2010- Thanksgiving Day

Nygel and I both thought, "What a blessing! What a miracle! What an amazing thing to be thankful for this year!"

Thanksgiving took on a new meaning for me. I knew that Aiden probably would not arrive right on his due date but I still couldn't help but smile every time I thought about Turkey Day. The day my baby boy was scheduled to make his appearance. It was going to be perfect!

But that happy Thanksgiving was not to be.

Instead on Thanksgiving last year I was less than a month into my grief and trying desperately to hold on to my sanity. And failing........majorly.

In addition to being Aiden's due date, Thanksgiving is also the first holiday we had to make it through after losing him. I don't remember much from that day. I know my mom was here so we had food- although I wasn't really eating anything at that time. I know I probably looked a mess- I was doing good just to shower and change underwear. I know that other people were happy and celebrating all they had to be thankful for- but I couldn't.

I know that all I thought about was Aiden. How could my son be gone? How was this even possible? I want him back!!!!!

I remember many times during that first month waking up and looking out the window thinking it was all just a dream. I would feel so vividly that I was still pregnant. That Aiden was still moving. That we still had the chance to bring him home.

And then I would reach down and hold my tummy- trying to feel my little man. And reality would come crashing back down on me like a ton of bricks.

He was gone. Forever.

So Thanksgiving is a rough day. This year it fell on the 24th which meant I had both yesterday and today {Aiden's due date} to think about how different life should be. I made it through yesterday without any tears although even the smallest things {like folding laundry last night} brought my mind right to Aiden. I remember so well last year washing and folding all his little clothes and the precious "baby things" basket I used to hold his laundry.

This morning is different.

As I type this and Baby Jack kicks away in my tummy I am a mess of tears. I have so much to be thankful for but there is always a huge {ginormous} piece of me that is forever missing, forever tugging at my heart, forever leaving me incomplete.

My Aiden.

I'm forever thankful that he's a part of me and forever sad that we had to say goodbye to him way too soon.

I guess for me the holidays will always be difficult mix of sweet and bitter, happy and sad.

I pray that you all have peace as you remember and give thanks for the precious little miracle babies that fill your hearts today and always.........

Dear Aiden......

Dear Aiden,

This morning I was driving in to work at 6 am for an early meeting and listening to some music on the radio. It was so dark because of the time change {plus mommy does NOT go to work at 6 am on a regular basis} so it was kinda weird driving in today.

My mind went to you {as it does so very often} and I was taken back to your birthday last year. I remembered how much I wanted to see your face. To finally meet the little person who had been growing inside me for 9 months. And I remember that morning....how in an instant all my hopes and dreams were crushed. You were gone.

And yet I still imagined your face.......

Would you have my eyes or nose? Your daddy's ears or lips?

What would my precious boy look like?

This morning as I drove I remembered the instant I laid eyes on you for the first time. How beautiful and perfect you were. How absolutely amazing it was to see you finally after waiting so long. That gorgeous face- so perfect and so like your daddy's. It brought tears to my eyes then as it did this morning.

Today was just one of those hard days. One of those days where I wish I could rewind time and do something {anything} differently and save you. One of those days where I want to just crawl back in the bed and pretend that you're here with us- that things are different.

I wish I could see you again, hold you again, kiss you again. I wish I could have your here with me now.

I miss you so much baby boy. Some days it still seems so unreal that we are living this life without you. That your first birthday in Heaven was just 13 days ago. How has it already been 2 weeks? Your due date is coming up in 2 more weeks. And that will be another tough day. So will Christmas. It will be our second Christmas without you. Sigh.......

I'm always reminded of what a precious gift you were to us. Our baby boy, our beautiful angel. You still bring so much love and hope to our lives every day. We love you more than words can ever fully express. I'm so happy to be your mama.

I miss you, I love you......

Love Always,

Mommy

Afraid of Dying?

Yesterday one of my good friends asked me if I'm afraid of dying. Not because anything is wrong but we were just having a discussion about fears. This is her biggest fear in the world.

In case I've never told you before, I am a total worrier.

I worry about everything- what will happen today, tomorrow, and 30 years from now.  I of course have even more anxiety after losing Aiden. I mean how can you not? My fears are over the top now. If someone doesn't answer their phone I think they may be on the side of the road somewhere. If someone is running late I think they are in the hospital. It's enough to drive anyone insane but that's my life now. I worry, I have fear, I panic, and I work myself into a fit.

So when my friend asked me if I was afraid of dying I know she was expecting me to say yes. I mean of all the things to be afraid of that has to be a big one on a lot of people's lists. And you're talking to someone who is fearful of everything.

But my answer was no.....not any more.

I used to be afraid of dying. It's the ultimate unknown. The biggest "what is going to happen when..."

I mean I have an idea of what life and Heaven will be like from what I've learned at church and from reading the bible. Actually after we lost Aiden I received a book called Heaven by Randy Alcorn. You can check it out here if you're interested.

This book is pretty thick so I haven't read the whole thing but I did skip around to the parts I was really interested in- I wanted to know where my Aiden was, what he was doing, who he was with, if he remembered me. The book uses scriptures to give you an idea of what things will be like in Heaven. It was helpful to me but I still am at a loss. I still wonder exactly what Heaven is like. I believe my son is incredibly happy. I believe he feels no pain and is showered with love daily. I believe he is with loved ones that have passed on before us. I believe one day I will see him again. But other than that I'm not sure what to expect from Heaven.

But am I afraid of dying now? No.

It just means I'll be able to see my Aiden again. And that my friends will be a special special gift.

Don't get me wrong- I'm not saying that I'm trying to check out now (in case you were worried). I want to enjoy as much of my life as I can while I'm here on earth. I want to make the most out of every moment with my family, every laugh Nygel and I share, every smile I get from Baby Jack and any other children I'm blessed with. I try not take any of the important stuff for granted because life is so fragile and uncertain. I know that's what Aiden would want for me. To be happy in this life.

But I can't help but think about the day that I'll get to see my son again. It will be pretty special even if it is 50 years from now. I like to think that one day my family will be whole again- together.

How do you feel about death and dying after losing your precious baby? Is this a fear of yours?

Celebrating Aiden's First Birthday

I can't believe my little man's birthday has come and gone. Wow. A year got here way too fast.

I spent a quiet day at home. My mom came over and I did some work while she worked in the garden. I did stop to watch her put down some new flowers for Aiden's garden and they are lovely.  Nygel worked for part of the day and then came home as well.

Last year the weekend before I delivered Aiden he and I had a lovely lunch from Whole Foods and that's what I wanted on his birthday. So we all shared chicken salad, egg salad, pasta salad, and a tossed pecan, cranberry, and balsamic salad. Very yummy- I think Aiden would have approved. He was always happy after we got salad from Whole Foods :)

We got some beautiful balloons for him from HEB and in honor of his Godparents Denise and Bam {who both used to work for HEB and love that place} Nygel got one HEB balloon :)  Here are some pics of us releasing the balloons:

I also got him some beautiful Sunflowers and my mom says we can dry the seeds and then plant them in his garden- love that ♥

And I got him this Willow Tree "Forget Me Not" angel- she's just lovely:

We had a quiet dinner and when it was just Nygel and I we spent a long time talking about Aiden. The day he was born, how much we love and miss him, how beautiful he is, the time we spent with him that day.  I love that we can remember him and smile. I love that even though we are devastated that he's not here the memories we have of him still continue to carry us.

It was a peaceful day and although I spent some time crying I didn't bawl my eyes out all day like I expected to- and I know that's because my little Aiden was right there with me. Just like he is everyday. Love you little man!

I have to say thank you so much to everyone that sent sweet Happy Birthday messages for Aiden. It means so much that he is not forgotten. So thank you, thank you, thank you ♥

My dear friend Tiffany is so amazing! I seriously love this girl ♥ Every month she does a special giveaway in honor of her precious son Julius to bring some light to the life of a grieving mama. This month in honor of Aiden's birthday she has dedicated her monthly Juju giveaway to my little man! How awesome is that!?!?! So if you haven't stopped by her page in the last few days please go by to check out the sweet dragonfly earring giveaway that she's hosting until November 11th. She'll be announcing the winner on the 12th which is next Saturday :) You can read sweet Julius' story here if you haven't yet had the chance to hear about this precious little guy.

Our friend Anecia brought over some lovely cupcakes for Aiden's birthday this weekend and she decorated them with the Aiden's Hope Logo! Love that! And she made him a special birthday ornament that also has the logo dragonfly on it- thank you so much girl!

Here are some of the lovely pictures I got that day:

Thanks Mary!

Thanks Shauna!

My friend Tiffany snapped this lovely dragonfly that came to visit! I know Aiden and Ellie sent this one to her- it's gorgeous!

And my friend Sherrhonda got this beautiful dragonfly with her camera:

We also got some lovely birthday cards in the mail for him:

Thanks Sarita, Tiffany, and Stefanie!!

I didn't get to deliver the Hope Boxes on his birthday because I have a nasty cold that has me down but we will be doing that very soon so stay tuned for pictures and updates on that!

Wishing you all a peaceful weekend.......

Happy Birthday My Sweet Aiden

Thanks Fran for making this quote into a word art- I love it so much ♥  

Dear Aiden,

Happy birthday baby boy! I know you are having an amazing birthday party up there in Heaven with all your special angel friends. I wish I could be there but Mommy and Daddy will be sending you some party balloons later today with lots of special love notes ♥

I cannot believe it was exactly a year ago that we got to meet you for the first time......and the same day we gave you back to God. It was a hard day for Mommy and Daddy but you.....you were amazing. You took my breath away. The most perfect baby I have ever seen......and you are mine ♥ Some days I look at your pictures and I'm still in awe of how amazingly beautiful you are.

I miss you so much today {and every day}. There are so many things I wish we were doing together. I long to hold you, smell you, kiss you. I want you to smash a birthday cake, play with your wrapping paper and boxes instead of your gifts, and take 5 zillion pictures with all the family. I wish I was giving you your birthday party today. But even though I can't be there please know you are so celebrated today by so many people who love you.

I hope you know how much your dad and I love you always. We would give anything to be with you. I know one day we will be together again and every day we're here on Earth is a day we're closer to that day......the day when we get to see your beautiful face again.

So happy birthday sweetie- we love you and we miss you!

And just so you know we're singing it down here:

Happy Birthday to you,

Happy Birthday to you,

Happy Birthday dear Aiden,

Happy Birthday to you!!!

I love you baby boy......forever and always you will be my precious angel.

Love,

Mommy

:::

The Broken Chain

We little knew the day that
God was going to call your name,

In life we loved you dearly,

in death we do the same.

It broke our hearts to lose you,

but in God we put our trust,

In times as difficult as this,

faith is such a must.

You left us peaceful memories,

your love is still our guide,

And though we cannot see you,

you are always at our side.

Our family chain is broken,

and nothing seems the same,

But as God calls us one by one,

the chain will link again.

~Ron Tranmer

This Is How I Feel.....

I wanted to share this article that has been circulating around the Baby Loss community. I saw it for the first time a few weeks ago and it describes perfectly so many feelings I've experienced in the last year since losing Aiden. This pain will never "go away" as some people like to think. Although any parent that has lost a child already completely understands this I thought it was important to post for anyone else who hasn't experienced this kind of loss.......

The Heartbreak of Infant Loss

By Laura Schubert

Did you know that October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month? I'll bet not. Despite the infant mortality crisis that's been at the forefront of Milwaukee's public health news for months, the only people who have more than a cursory comprehension of what it means to lose a baby are those who've lived it.

Infant loss is nature's cruelest practical joke. It's investing all of the required time and effort into pregnancy, only to be robbed of the result. It's cradling a body that grew within your own and trying to reconcile the cold, lifeless form in your arms with your memory of the baby who turned double flips in your womb.

It's worrying that you'll forget what your child looked like and snapping an album's worth of photos that no one will ever ask to see. It's sobbing so hard you can't breathe and wondering if it's possible to cry yourself to death.

Infant loss is handing off a Moses basket to the nurse who's drawn the unfortunate duty of delivering your pride and joy to the morgue and walking out of a hospital with empty arms.

It's boxing up brand new baby clothes and buying a 24-inch casket. It's sifting through sympathy cards, willing your foolish body to stop lactating, clutching your baby's blanket to your chest in hopes of soothing the piercing ache in your heart.

It's resisting the urge to smack the clueless individuals who compare your situation to the death of their dog or who tell you you'll have another baby, as if children are somehow replaceable.

Infant loss is explaining to your 7-year-old that sometimes babies die and being stumped into silence when she asks you why. It's watching other families live out your happy ending and fighting a fresh round of grief with every milestone you miss.

It's being shut out of play groups for perpetuity. It's skipping social events with expectant and newly minted mothers because, as a walking worst-case scenario, you don't want to put a damper on the party.

It's listening to other women gripe about motherhood and realizing that you no longer relate to their petty parental complaints because, frankly, when you've buried a baby, a sleepless night with a vomiting toddler sounds something like a gift.

Infant loss is pruning from your life the friends and relatives who ignore or minimize your loss. It's recognizing that, while they may not mean to be hurtful, the fact that they don't know any better doesn't make their utter lack of empathy one whit easier to bear.

My baby girl would have been 5 years old this month. I don't know what she'd look like, what her favorite food would be. I've never had the privilege of tucking her into bed, taking her to the zoo or kissing her boo-boos. I will never watch her graduate or walk down the aisle.

Infant loss is more than an empty cradle. It's a life sentence.

Can't Sleep......

I've been up since 3 am........BAH!

Not sure exactly what's keeping me up but I know multiple things are contributing to my restlessness. So much in my brain right now- guess I need to get it out.....

It's Thursday......less than a week away from Aiden's birthday. I can't even believe my baby has been gone for almost a year. It breaks my heart every time to think about the events from last year. This time last year I was getting ready for a baby shower- lots of family and friends coming in for the weekend to celebrate our little man. I had no idea what the days immediately following my shower would bring. No idea of the heartache and pain that was about to come.

That girl was so innocent.....so unknowing.......

I'll never be that girl again.

I miss Aiden so much and my mind is racing with thoughts of him.

I ordered something special for us to use next week on his birthday- I think it's going to be a beautiful way to remember him ♥

I wish I was planning an over the top birthday party for my one year old son. I wish I was ordering a huge cake, sending out cute monkey invites, and planning for a house full of family and friends. I wish I could see him smash cake in his face.....I wish I could see him smile.....just once.

But all I can plan is how I'll remember him on his birthday.....how I'll be praying that he is not forgotten. I hope that he knows how much we miss him and love him.....I pray he can feel the love all the way in Heaven.

I've made all the plans I can for my baby's birthday and it just seems like it's so not enough.....sigh. I guess it will never be enough without him.

:::

I'm nervous about so many things. It's hard to keep it all straight in my head sometimes.........

I try to keep my mind and my heart focused on the positive.....reminding myself that all I can do is pray and hold on to my hope.

:::

A coworker this week lost someone very close to her. It took my breath away. I will never understand why things happen the way they do.....

I'm praying very hard for her and her family.

I'm praying for so many and hoping that there is a fair share of peace to go around this week.

:::

As always people can be so mean. Not anything related to Aiden this time but just a generally rude and mean person. I can't stand dealing with mean, insensitive people who are only concerned with themselves. And I can't stand seeing people be mean to other people for no reason. Pisses me off.

I hate mean people.

::: 

Ok I guess that's all for now- I'm going to attempt to take a short nap before I get ready for work. We'll see how that goes......

Remembering Ellie

Today I'm remembering a sweet little girl......Ellie Lauree. Ellie is the daughter of my dear friend Tiffany and today is her 1 year Angelversary. Today and yesterday are terribly rough for Tiffany, her husband, and their son Max as they remember little Ellie.

If you've ever seen Ellie then you know how seriously beautiful she is......I swear this amazing light shines through her in ever single picture. And that's what she is- a beautiful light. I hope she shines brightly down on her mama today and I have a good feeling she will do that and so much more ♥

Please remember Ellie with me and keep this family close to your heart today.

People

So often in the last year people have really caused an unfortunate range of emotions in me- disappointment, hurt, frustration, upset, anger, pain, hate. It has amazed me over and over again how people who I would never have imagined could be anything more than loving have instead trampled on my already broken heart. Family and friends. Or so called friends. Luckily I've managed to get rid of the real poison in my life from "friends". I guess I can't officially ditch the family but I sure can stop investing any of myself in them.

People just really suck sometimes.

I get tired of the excuses- "They aren't trying to ignore you- people don't know what to say to you", "People don't want to upset you", "They didn't mean anything by what they said", "He/She just wasn't thinking when they said that."

Ummm ok.

If you don't know what else to say just say, "I love you and I'm thinking of you." Some of the things I remember most after losing Aiden were the friends and family that just came at sat at our house. A lot of times I never said a word to them. But they just sat there anyway. Because they loved us and they wanted to do something.

Oh and guess what? Regardless of if you are trying to or not- you are ignoring me, and my husband, and our son. Thanks a lot.

If you think that you mentioning my son will upset me you are completely crazy. Hello......I'm already upset. I miss my child every day and that is the most "upsetting" {brutally painful} thing I will ever have to endure. Mentioning my son at least means you care enough to acknowledge his life.

If you think that saying something stupid/careless/without thought is ok because you "didn't mean anything by it" or "weren't thinking" when you said it, then you might want to think a little more before you open your mouth to speak. Seriously.

I don't know for sure how I will react in every situation life puts me in- you never know until it happens. But if a friend of mine/family member lost a child {prior to me losing a child myself} I know I wouldn't freaking ignore them!!!!! Come on.....what a horrible friend I would be.....right?

This quote really speaks to me:

"At some of the darkest moments in my life, some people I thought of as

friends deserted me- some because they cared about me and it hurt them to

see me in pain; others because I reminded them of their own vulnerability,

and that was more than they could handle. But real friends overcame their

discomfort and came to sit with me. If they had not words to make me feel

better, they sat in silence and I loved them for it."

~Harold Kushner, Living a Life that Matters

I get that it's hard to talk to us because you don't want to see us in pain. I get that it's hard to see our reality because you don't want to think of the possibility that it might happen to you. I get that the idea of a child dying is a horrible thing to think about. I get that.

But imagine if you weren't just imagining it- imagine if you were living it.

How awful would it be then?

I can't believe that the best plan you could come up with for dealing with my loss/pain is to ignore me/it.........really? You desert your friend when they need you the most.....nice.

But the other thing about people that I've learned in the last year is that sometimes people amaze you. And sometimes they are people you don't even know.

All the sweet BLMs I have encountered in the last year are the most supportive loving group of ladies ever. When I didn't think anyone would get it- you all got it. When I felt crazy {insane} you told me I wasn't. When I thought I couldn't make it anymore- you encouraged me to keep going. Such an amazing community we have.

But every once in a while someone who is not a BLM does something that makes you feel like maybe people really can be caring even if they haven't walked in your shoes.

This morning I woke up and for some reason the photo center girl from the Walgreens up the street was on my mind.

The day before Aiden's memorial service Nygel and I were so blessed by our NILMDTS photographer with 4 beautiful pictures that she rushed to edit in 1 day {I literally asked 2 days before the service if she could get us 1 picture} so we could use them at his service. That night we ordered the prints online from Walgreens after searching that day for the perfect frames to hold them. Only one hour and we would have the first 4 pictures taken of our son on November 2nd.

So late that night we ventured out to get the pictures. I have no idea how I looked- probably a hot freaking mess. Crazy clothes, puffy red eyes, walking funny because I just delivered a baby a few days before and was doing way too much too soon. But I didn't care. I went into Walgreens with Nygel and marched over to the photo counter to get my son's picture.

The girl at the counter asked for our name and then said, "Oh yes, I just finished those pictures- I have them right here." As she went to pull them from the bin I prayed that she wouldn't talk to me anymore. Please don't say anything, please don't ask me anything, please just don't talk to me- just ring me up and give me my pictures.

But that was not the case.

I pulled the pictures out and Nygel and I looked over them- they were beautiful. Aiden was perfect. Nygel told the girl they were perfect and pulled his credit card out to pay.

And then she started talking.

"The pictures are beautiful.......My cousin had some like this done for her baby and it's so nice how they take them." And then she said, "I'm so very sorry about your baby."

Wow.....

Not expecting a complete stranger to say something so sweet. So thoughtful. She didn't know us at all. She didn't have to say anything. She COULD have ignored our obvious pain.

But she didn't. She acknowledged our son. And that was an amazing gift.

As the tears welled up in my eyes I managed to say "Thank you" without completely losing it. Nygel thanked her as well and she waved and told us to have a good night.

Although I have no idea what her name is or if she's even still at that Walgreens {I haven't gone back since that night} she touched my heart. She spoke up when she didn't have to and shared some kind words when we needed to hear them.

People are interesting.......some disappoint and some surprise you.

This morning I'm pushing out all the disappointment from my mind and remembering the sweet surprises that, yes always make me cry, but at the same time make me so happy because they allow me to share my son. And I'm saying thank you for allowing me that joy.

:::

Aiden,

I can't believe that in just 10 days you will have been gone for a year. I can't believe that I have managed to keep going all this time without you. I love you so much. I miss you so much. I pray that you always feel the strength of my love for you. Thank you for walking close to me every day even though we are so far away from each other.

I love you baby boy, forever and always!

Love,

Mommy