Hugs From God

I haven't posted all week which surprised me....I think I needed a little break.  I have been reading all the posts from the BLMs I follow and sending lots of prayers and love.  But I haven't been able to post.  Instead this week I wrote Aiden a letter.  I haven't written to him in awhile so instead of pouring everything out here I shared it with my son.  It was a super long letter but it felt so good to share with him everything that's been going on this week.  I love my special time with my little man.

I was feeling a little down this week.  As you all know it comes in waves and you never know when it's gonna hit you.  I miss Aiden.  Yesterday I almost lost it in a shoe store.  We were buying some Toms for me to wear for the summer and there were two moms gushing over each others newborns near the checkout- very loudly.  Normally I would look to see the cute babies...but not anymore.  I nearly burst into tears waiting for Nygel to pay for the shoes.  I was sad for a little while as we drove home.  Nygel knew it too.  He asked me if I was thinking of Aiden and of course my answer was yes.  So sad...nothing can just be normal anymore.

Another thing weighing heavily on my heart in addition to missing Aiden is all the stories of baby loss I've seen just in this last week.  I swear- every time I see another family with shattered dreams I want to bawl.  It....Breaks....My....Heart.....every time.  I am in constant prayer for these families as they try to pick up the pieces of their lives.

On Facebook early this week I posted this status:

"God always knows when you need a hug"

And it's so true. He really does. I was surprised this week by one of my staff.  Her son is 15 years old and paints.  When his mom showed him Aiden's name in the sand he spent two weeks painting his own version of Aiden's name in the sand.  That's right- HE PAINTED IT!!!  And it's absolutely gorgeous.  Everyone in the office could hear me screaming- "Oh my God- I love it!!!" over and over again!  I was so surprised and I really needed it.

Isn't he talented?????!!!!!  It's beautiful right????!!!!!  Totally made my day!  Thank you Keith!!!

Also I've been working like crazy on several different projects in Aiden's honor.  I'll have more details shortly so PLEASE keep a watch on my blog to find out what is coming soon!  Can't wait to share with you guys because all the BLMs I've meet in the last 4 months have truly inspired me. I've been looking for ways to remember all your precious angels and honor my amazing little man.  And I've FINALLY figured out how to do just that.  Like I said keep checking back and you'll see what I've been up to.  Wishing you all a peaceful Sunday......

The Meaning of Dragonflies

Photo Credit

When Franchescha was designing my new blog page we picked this lovely scrapbook set.  I didn't notice the set contained a dragonfly until Fran put together my blog header and there it was!  I loved it so much and it just struck a chord with me.  I wasn't sure why at the time but I loved this little dragonfly.  It reminded me of Aiden....beautiful, small, flying free.  So the dragonfly got added to all the sidebar titles as well.  I wanted to see more of it on the blog :) And of course Fran made it look perfect!

Yesterday I was doing a search for dragonfly symbolism and I found this story.  Some of you may have seen/heard it before but yesterday was my first time.

The Dragonfly Story

Down below the surface of a quiet pond lived a little colony of water bugs. They were a happy colony, living far away from the sun. For many months they were very busy, scurrying over the soft mud on the bottom of the pond. They did notice that every once in awhile one of their colony seemed to lose interest in going about. Clinging to the stem of a pond lily it gradually moved out of sight and was seen no more.

"Look!" said one of the water bugs to another. "One of our colony is climbing up the lily stalk. Where do you think she is going?" Up, up, up it slowly went....Even as they watched, the water bug disappeared from sight. Its friends waited and waited but it didn't return...

"That's funny!" said one water bug to another. "Wasn't she happy here?" asked a second... "Where do you suppose she went?" wondered a third.

No one had an answer. They were greatly puzzled. Finally one of the water bugs, a leader in the colony, gathered its friends together. "I have an idea". "The next one of us who climbs up the lily stalk must promise to come back and tell us where he or she went and why."

"We promise", they said solemnly.

One spring day, not long after, the very water bug who had suggested the plan found himself climbing up the lily stalk. Up, up, up, he went. Before he knew what was happening, he had broke through the surface of the water and fallen onto the broad, green lily pad above.

When he awoke, he looked about with surprise. He couldn't believe what he saw. A startling change had come to his old body. His movement revealed four silver wings and a long tail. Even as he struggled, he felt an impulse to move his wings...The warmth of the sun soon dried the moisture from the new body. He moved his wings again and suddenly found himself up above the water. He had become a dragonfly!!

Swooping and dipping in great curves, he flew through the air. He felt exhilarated in the new atmosphere. By and by the new dragonfly lighted happily on a lily pad to rest. Then it was that he chanced to look below to the bottom of the pond. Why, he was right above his old friends, the water bugs! There they were scurrying around, just as he had been doing some time before.

The dragonfly remembered the promise: "the next one of us who climbs up the lily stalk will come back and tell where he or she went and why." Without thinking, the dragonfly darted down. Suddenly he hit the surface of the water and bounced away. Now that he was a dragonfly, he could no longer go into the water...

"I can't return!" he said in dismay. "At least, I tried. But I can't keep my promise. Even if I could go back, not one of the water bugs would know me in my new body. I guess I'll just have to wait until they become dragonflies too. Then they'll understand what has happened to me, and where I went."

And the dragonfly winged off happily into its wonderful new world of sun and air.......

Thank you God, for the story of the water bugs and the dragonflies.

Please remember________who left the pond we live in...and remember me...

STICKNEY, D. (1997). Water Bugs and Dragonflies. Explaining Death To Young Children. 
The Pilgrim Press.

Wow. After I read this story my heart started beating faster and I paused for a moment.  What an amazing story......what a perfect way to describe what happens when a loved one passes away. This story is meant to explain death to a child but I think it's a great adult story as well. Excitedly I gave the computer to Nygel and told him he had to read it.  He smiled when he finished and said that it was such a good story. Dragonflies....Aiden.....Wow.....

I did some more searching and found the following words that the dragonfly symbolizes:

Prosperity

Good Luck

Strength

Peace

Harmony

Purity

These words speak to me because the dragonfly represents so much. My son- peace, purity. My journey to a normal life without him- strength, harmony.  I pray that this also symbolizes prosperity and good luck for us as we continue this journey to expand our family.

I love that the dragonfly has found me....I really believe Aiden sent this to me to help me in my grieving process. I have done more research on dragonflies and I'll discuss them and their symbolism more in another post.....

Photo Credit

Thank you Aiden for always being in my life even though you are not here with me on earth. I pray that you are enjoying your wings and that you have fun every day in the sun and air.  I know that when the sun comes out and the breeze blows in my face that it's you telling me you love me.  I love you too my little angel.  Forever and ever!

Love Mommy

Hope....

So the amazing Franchesca has come up with another fabulous idea for us baby loss mamas. The Small Miracles Blog Hop is her newest creation and I think it's just great! Every month on the 19th mamas from all over will blog about things that keep them going through this grief journey....things that give them hope. I am excited to join in with this super strong group of ladies and this inspirational blog hop. 

"Hope is faith holding out its hand in the dark." 

~George Iles

If you read my last post you know that I have struggled a lot this week with my grief. It can be so overwhelming sometimes and it seems to come out of no where just when you think you're doing ok. After my last post I can definitely use a little hope and I'd like to share some too. I thought I'd start with this quote:

"Hope is the feeling you have that the feeling you have isn't permanent." 

~Jean Kerr

Like Fran I also believe in signs. Over the last few weeks the weather here has been just crazy! But almost every weekend when we are at home it's been so nice outside! I've been able to open the windows and have a cool breeze come through. I've talked about this before on here but the warm sun and cool breeze always take my mind straight to Aiden. It's like he's sending me a sign that everything is going to be ok....he's giving me hope.

"Hope sees the invisible, feels the intangible and achieves the impossible."

~Anonymous

Here's a list of things that give me hope right now. As the months go on I truly hope my list will get longer :)

1. Knowing that I am a mother and I'll have the chance to be a mother again

2. Dancing with Aiden in my dreams

3. My husband- he always knows just what to say

4. Sunlight and Cool Breezes

5. The strength of other Baby Loss Mamas- so inspiring :)

"Hope is putting faith to work when doubting would be easier."

~Anonymous

♥ I hope you all have a peaceful day ♥

So Super Broken.....

Nygel and I often put "super" in front of our phrases to make each other aware of the importance of the statement.  For instance "I'm super hungry right now!" I never used to use the word super very much but I have picked it up from the hubs.  And it describes so well how I feel right now- so super broken......

Yesterday we received in the mail the CD of Aiden's Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep pictures.....sigh.  Just when I think I'm doing ok something brings me to my knees.  I miss my baby boy so much.  All I could think was this is it...these are all the pictures we'll ever have of him.  My precious little boy and all I have is this CD of pictures.  It makes me cry even as I type this...WHY??????  Why my son, why us, why couldn't we just have him??????  I hate this- I hate it when I feel like I'm going backwards.  But will there ever be a time when thoughts of Aiden won't take my breath away...not sure but I have a feeling the answer is no.  I miss my son.

I spent a little time in his room last night.  I smelled his clothes...I love smelling his clothes.  I had washed everything in preparation for his arrival so everything smells like a baby.  It's the way I imagined he would smell.  Soft and sweet...a perfect little baby.  I looked through his memory box from the hospital.  I never noticed before but there at the bottom of the box was a small hospital band.  It had my name and and "M" next to it for male.  There was also a time...20:16.  8:16 pm.  That's when Aiden came silently into this world.  I cried so much that day I didn't think I had anything left.  But at 8:16 pm when I saw his beautiful body, his head covered with hair that was exactly like my hair, his perfect face....I lost it.  I cried like I have never cried before.....WHY??????  Why couldn't he cry, why couldn't we be celebrating, why could I not take him home?????

Can't stop the tears now.....so super broken.  I miss my son.

Thank you Fran for this picture:

I keep repeating this quote to myself this morning....I needed this.  I can't stop weeping...I miss my son.

Giveaway Winners!!!

Hey everyone!  This is just a quick post to update you on the winners of yesterday's giveaway.  Thank you so much to everyone that stopped by to read my What Love Really Means post and for your comments.  I'm so excited to have new followers!!!  Remember this giveaway is sponsored by the lovely Kristi from Bugaboo Jewelry.  Thank you Kristi!!!!!

Here are pictures of the process for picking the winners.  This was done very officially in my office about 15 minutes ago :)

All the entries!!!

The official "cup"- this is my pretty little tea cup for work :)
I really love Vera Bradley stuff!!



I love the lid!!  Makes a perfect cup of tea :)

 Ok.....drumroll please......

The Winners!!!!

Congrats to: Melissa, Katy, and Butterfly Mom!!!


Congratulations to the 3 winners of the beautiful "Footprints on my Heart" pendant from Bugaboo Jewelry.  Please send me an e-mail and I'll put you in touch with Kristi to organize your prize.  Thanks again to Mattie for putting together such a great 14 days of love.  I was so honored to participate.  That's it for now.....have a fabulous day everyone!!!

What Love Really Means & A Giveaway!!!

Today it's my turn to participate in the blog series called What Love Really means.  It was put together by the amazing Mattie and over the last two weeks many fabulous mamas have been featured.  They have shared their thoughts on love as well as their stories and blogs with everyone.  What a great way to celebrate Valentine's Day- 14 days of love!! And what an amazing group of women! I am so honored to participate in this blog series.

Wow- Love. Where do I start? I have so many thoughts on love it's hard to know which direction to go. I think I'm going to wing it- lol! To me love is sharing- sharing yourself and your gifts with God, family, friends, even strangers.

The Love I Share with Nygel

I heard this quote this morning on a commercial (Ha! We find inspiration in the most interesting places!):

"Love is when there are no more questions"

I thought this quote was most fitting to being the first part of my discussion on love- the love I share with my husband. Nygel is the most amazing man I have ever known in my life. He is my everything...my best friend, my biggest supporter, my protector, my other half, my love. He is the person who knows everything about me. We have been through so much together. He is the person I share my whole life with.

"Whatever our souls are made of, his and mine are the same."
~Emily Brontë

It's so true that love is when there are no more questions. When I knew Nygel was the man I would spend the rest of my life with there were no more questions. We reached a point where I KNEW him..and I knew that who he was...this amazing man...was the person who was perfect to complete me. I had no more questions.

"Love is what you've been through with somebody."

~James Thurber, quoted in Life magazine, 1960

We've been through so much together.....and amazingly we made it....we did it together. I never thought I could be strong through everything this life has thrown at me but I was and am in large part due to my husband.

Here is what I share with Nygel:
1. ♥ LOVE♥
2. Laughter- we love to laugh
3. Our amazing son
4. Hopes, Dreams, Joy
5. Fear, Pain, Tears
6. Quiet days with just me and him
7. Trust and Honesty
8. The knowledge that God hears our prayers- after all he sent us to each other
9. Football!!

Thank you Nygel for being my everything! I will love you forever! My whole life I dreamed of and prayed for a man like you and God blessed me with more than I ever knew I wanted. I love you babe!

The Love I Share With Aiden

Aiden...my son, my angel baby, my joy. I have loved this boy since the moment I knew of him. He was my perfect little man.

"When you are a mother, you are never really alone in your thoughts.

A mother always has to think twice, once for herself and once for her child.”

~Sophia Loren

I love this quote. It is so true that as a mother you think twice about everything- although I think the order is reversed. You think first of your child and second (or third or fourth) about yourself. The love I have for Aiden was always the first thought in my mind. When we were at the hospital my thoughts were racing- they were all about Aiden my precious son. I had no idea that Nygel and my mother (and a lot of other people) were panicked about my safety during the delivery process. I couldn't think of anything else but him.

We you lose a child and you don't have any other living children it's sometimes hard to remember that you are still a mother. But you are. Because everywhere you go you carry them with you. You still think of them first and yourself second. I think it's important to remember in the process of grieving you still have to take care of yourself. My group leader at Bo's Place told me last week that she really wanted me to focus on taking care of myself and I realized that maybe I don't do such a good job at that. So for myself and my son I'm gonna do better.

Here is what I shared/share with Aiden:
1. My body- I loved to feel him moving around and I loved sharing my space with him
2. Reading- I love to read and he loved to listen
3. Letters- I write him letters all the time and I know he loves hearing from me
4. Nygel- my amazing husband, his amazing dad
5. God- Peace and strength for me and He is keeping Aiden safe with Him until we can see our boy again
6. Dancing!! We dance in my dreams together all the time- he is such a good dancer!!!
7. Sun and Cool Breezes- When I'm sad I open the windows and the sun and breeze make me feel so peaceful- like I'm floating. It's in those moments that I know my son is with me.
8. Cam- I watch his dog for him and his spirit plays with us everyday!

Aiden, I love you so much my baby. I will love you forever and ever my little angel!

The Love I Share with Mummy and Carissia

My mom and my sister have carried me through the roughest time of my life- losing my son. My mom stayed with us for a month after we lost Aiden. Forcing me to eat, get up and out of the house, to live. She took care of Nygel as well. Giving him things to do around the house like gardening and frosting a glass door.

"A mother's love for her child is like nothing else in the world. It knows no law,

no pity, it dares all things and crushes down remorselessly all that stands in its path."

~Agatha Christie

Carissia is my little sister. When we were younger we fought and got each other in trouble- crazy kid stuff. Now I couldn't imagine my life without her. She is a great sister and a great friend. She gives some pretty good advice considering she's 5 years younger than me! My sister wanted a nephew more than anything in the world. She wanted a boy in the family! I appreciate so much the times she just listens...sometimes that's all you need. And she's great at listening- she has to be with a sister like me that talks all the time!

"A sister is a gift to the heart, a friend to the spirit, a golden thread to the meaning of life."

~Isadora James

Here's what I share with my mom and my sister:
1. Honesty- They always tell me when I'm right and when I'm wrong.
2. Friendship- The older I get the better friends we become
3. Food- We love to cook and we love to eat!
4. Laughter- we can laugh at ourselves and at each other
5. Family Ties- we start new family traditions and keep up with old ones too
6. Everything else!!!! There are no secrets from these two :)

Mummy and Carissia- I love you both. Thank you for always being there for me even when I didn't know I needed it.

The Love I Share with Friends

I love my friends...to me they are an extension of my family. You really learn who your true friends are when you go through something like this. I have realized that there are some people who are not my friends. And I have also learned that there are some friends in this world who you should grab tight and hold on to because they were sent from God. I want to talk about two of them here.

"Truly great friends are hard to find, difficult to leave, and impossible to forget..."

~G. Randolf

My friend Denise came over to the clinic when I found out I lost Aiden and stayed until Nygel got there. She removed every piece of baby stuff from around my house and organized it all in Aiden's room so we wouldn't have to- that same day. She stayed with us at the hospital and was there when Aiden, her Godson, was born. She organized his entire memorial service so we didn't have to do anything besides pick out his urn. She took me out of the house a week later to eat sushi, drink wine, and get a pedicure. I know that God put her in my life for an important reason and I thank Him for that. She is one of my best friends and I love her.

"Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive,

and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born."

~Anais Nin

After Aiden passed John would come over and just sit with me. The first time he came over after we lost Aiden I was so exhausted I just slept on the couch while he watched tv with Nygel and my mom. He didn't mind. Later visits I stayed up :) And a lot of times we just watched tv and ate- wings, burgers, cheese, wine :) He's a great friend. Over sushi and wine one day I told him about my letters to Aiden. And he encouraged me to share them...he said I might be able to help someone else. In some ways he helped me get to the point where I could start this blog. He's a great friend to both Nygel and I and I'm so thankful to have him in our lives.

What I Share With My Friends:
1. Laughter
2. Wine!!
3. Sushi- Nygel won't eat it :)
4. Honesty
5. Mindless TV shows
6. Joy and Pain

There are so many other friends that have supported us, prayed for us, sent cards and texts and e-mails just to say they were thinking of us. Thank you everyone. I can't list you all here but know that I love you.

The Love I Share with "Strangers"

I have "strangers" in quotes because it's not really the right way to describe the wonderful ladies I've met in the last 3 months. The love and support I've received from other Baby Loss Mamas has given me a strength I never knew I could have. Your love, stories, and ability to know just what to say has meant the world to me. Your strength and courage makes me want to be stronger and more courageous.

"Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more.

It turns denial into acceptance, chaos to order, confusion to clarity.

It can turn a meal into a feast, a house into a home, a stranger into a friend."

~Melody Beattie

I started blogging because I was so inspired by other BLMs. I wanted to share my story too- hoping it would help someone else the way reading your blogs helped me. Through blogging and Facebook I have found this amazing baby loss community and other mamas who know how I feel. I have shared my story and they have shared theirs. And all of a sudden you are not strangers anymore!

Here's what I share with other BLMs:
1. Blogging- such a great outlet
2. Good days and bad days- you guys understand both
3. Having crazy emotions/emotional triggers- no one gets this like another BLM
4. Hopes and dreams
5. Hugs!! xx
6. Understanding
7. Validation- of my feelings and fears
8. Strength

Thank you so much all of you- you just don't know what an inspiration you all have been to me. I thank God that I found you all! Thank you for sharing your love with me!

Ok so I think I've covered all my love! Hope this was a good read for everyone! I really did pour my heart into it.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And now for my first ever giveaway on this blog!!!!  I'm so excited!!!  After Aiden passed in November I really wanted to get a special ornament for our Christmas tree.  I kept looking and looking and could never find the perfect one.  Then one day I found Bugaboo Jewelry and Kristi another baby loss mama.  You can read about her and her baby boy Alex by clicking here.  Kristi was so fabulous and not only did she make the perfect ornament for Aiden she got it to me in time for Christmas (despite my late ordering)!!!  I love, love, love Aiden's ornament and since it's not Christmas anymore it stays on our dresser all the time.

So here's the giveaway:  A personalized footprints on my ♥heart♥ glass tile pendant!  

Isn't it lovely?!?!?!?

I was going to give away an ornament like Aiden's but then I saw this beautiful pendant with a ♥heart♥ and I thought it was just perfect for a Valentine's Day giveaway!  This pendant can be personalized with your baby's footprints and their name.

When I told Kristi what I was doing she agreed to sponsor today's giveaway...so sweet!  And then she told me she would donate 3 of these beautiful pendants!!!!  Can you believe it!?!?  That's right- 3 pendants from the lovely Kristi!!  Thank you mama!!  ♥♥♥

Here's how you enter the giveaway:

1. Leave me a comment here describing how you share your love and with whom.

2. Add a ♥ to the comment- after all it is Valentine's Day!
3. Include in your comment you baby's name for the pendant and whether you would like to include their footprints on the pendant or just use the standard footprints seen on the picture.  (If you win and want to use your baby's footprints you'll need to e-mail me the image so I can have it added to the pendant).
4. Follow my blog!!!  This is an easy one :)  If you already follow you can just let me know in your comment.
5. Check out Kristi's shop on Etsy- Bugaboo Jewelry- and leave in your comment what item you just love. ♥

All of this information can be left in one comment- no need to separate anything. Tonight I'll randomly pick three comments and those lucky mamas will win a pendant.  I'll announce the winners tomorrow morning on my blog and Mattie will post all the winners from this week on her blog as well.

♥♥♥Have a wonderfully fabulous Valentine's Day everyone! Sending you my love!! ♥♥♥

xx

Aiden's Dog....Cam

I'm sitting here this morning visiting all my favorite blogs to see how everyone is doing this weekend.  And I have company....Cami Cam.  She's sleeping on my leg quite comfortably right now.  I have mentioned Cam a lot on this blog but I don't think I've every shared her story....

Cami Cam

Cam and her Lamb...just like Aiden's Lamb 

We got Cam on December 19, 2010 by accident kind of.☺ We were sitting at home with family and Nygel was looking on line at a local puppy store to see what kind of dogs they had in stock.  He really wanted a dog.  Even before I was pregnant he wanted a dog.  I kept telling him to wait.  Wait until we got a house, wait until we had a baby so they could grow up together.  Well we got the house and Aiden was on the way.  So Nygel knew he'd be getting a dog soon!  And then we lost our son and neither of us could think of anything but our overwhelming pain.

So on that Sunday in December the furthest thing from my mind was getting a dog.  We had discussed getting either a Chocolate Lab or a Weimaraner because we thought those would be good family dogs.  Our final decision had been a Chocolate Lab.  But again I wasn't thinking about a dog....I was thinking about Aiden.

When Nygel called the puppy store it was to see if they had any Chocolate Labs...they didn't. But they did have 4 Weimaraner puppies.  OMG Nygel was ecstatic!  He wanted one of those puppies.  It was going to be my Christmas present.  I had been telling him over and over again after Aiden passed that I didn't want a puppy.  And I told him that again that Sunday.  The girls and my sister all looked disappointed.  I went in our room and he came after me.

"Do you know why I want a dog so badly?" Nygel asked me.  "No, I don't" I responded.  I didn't...what was the big deal?  I wasn't thinking about a puppy- I wanted my baby.

"I want a dog because I was going to get Aiden a dog after he was born.  I wanted him to have a puppy and even though he's not here I still want to get him his dog." was his response.

Wow.  Ever had one of those "Ah-Ha" moments Oprah talks about?  This was definitely an "Ah-Ha" moment for me.  Now I understood why Nygel had been hounding me about getting a puppy.  Why he wanted to give me a dog as a Christmas present.  He wanted to remember his son.  He wanted to remember the things he planned for his son.  He wanted to get Aiden's dog.  "Ah-Ha" now I get it.  Why didn't I see it before?  Not sure....but in that moment I got it.

So off we went to get a puppy.  Me, Nygel, Carissia, Kayla, and Nylah.  We were going to get Aiden's dog.  I told them in the car the puppy's name would be Cam.  I just love that name and I wanted to keep up the "C" name tradition we started with our cats- Carson and Chloe. All of them were like- ummm ok we don't like that name.  But I didn't care- the dog's name was going to be Cam.

We got to the store and saw the most adorable Weimaraner puppies ever!  We played for about an hour with the 2 boys and 2 girls- the kids wanted to take all 4!  We debated getting two at first but then decided that one puppy was enough.  I knew I wanted a girl.  Cam stood out to me because she had so much energy....spunk.☺  She was absolutely beautiful!  She was the one.  You'll never guess when she was born.  November 4, 2010...just 2 days after Aiden.  Wow again.

While we were taking care of all of her paper work the girls played with Cam.  Still thinking she might be named something else Nygel asked the girls what they thought.  Nylah said "I've been calling her Cam,  I like it now that I've been saying it"  and she smiled.  Ummmm hmmm- that's right....I picked a great name!  So we had our Cam.  My Christmas present, Aiden's dog.  We were just going to take care of her for him.

Baby Cam and Carissia

Cam and her monkey

Cam has been fun, crazy, silly, sweet.  She terrorizes the cats- I know Chloe has lost a few pounds since December- lol!  It's ok though- she needed it!  She has been to the vet so many times in the last 2 months that they know her and us by name when we come in and over the phone.  I swear one of the front desk girls is going to try to steal her one day.  We took her in yesterday for puppy shots and to check on her itching and the girl couldn't stop saying "Oh Cam I love you!!" But she's healthy now and just perfect.  Like my Aiden.  When she drives me crazy I remember that she's Aiden's dog and that makes me smile.

Trying to get to Carson

Poor CarCar :(

Yesterday at the dog park a bigger dog stepped on Cam while they were playing.  She cried out and my heart stopped.  No!!!  Not my baby's dog.  I took the other dog's foot off her little tummy and rubbed her.  Nygel didn't want me to but I picked her up in my lap and held her for a few minutes.  She calmed down and eventually when I was convinced she was fine I put her back down to play.  I know Aiden was watching out for his puppy.  She was fabulous at the dog park!  She played with the other dogs and wasn't too scared, she drank from the puppy water fountain, she even ran across a puppy beam.  I am always amazed at how smart she is.  Cami Cam- Aiden's dog.

As I sit here typing and she lays on a blanket on my leg snoring, I think about my son.  I love him so much.  I did and would still do anything for him.  I love Cam....she's Aiden's dog.  And I will always take care of her for him.  I'll take care of her for him and love every minute of it!

Cami Cam after chewing the wall- "Sorry Mom"

I love you my sweet angel baby!  Forever and Ever....
Love,
Mommy

A New Fabulous Look!!!!

In case you haven't noticed I have a new look!!!  My niece Kayla would say, "It's just fabulous Aunty Tasha!  I love it!"  Kayla has lots of unique little quotes and they just tickle me :)  I'll continue to share them with you here.

I love, love, love the way the blog turned out and it's all thanks to one great, fantastic, talented, super sweet lady........Franchesca at Small Bird Studio.  She found the perfect scrapbook set with all the colors I wanted.  Of course you know purple had to be all over it but I wanted some blue for Aiden as well.  Can you believe the perfect set was the first one on the list she sent me- amazing!!!  I love the dragonfly- it makes me think of Aiden playing with one at the park or in our yard.  I love that image.

Fran worked so hard to make the page exactly what I wanted and was perfectly ok with my indecisiveness- LOL!  She completely understands the need us baby loss mamas have to make our little angel's space perfect.  She even thought to include Aiden's footprints in the quote I have on the sidebar of the page.  I love that you can tell how much Fran cares about you and your little one as she works with you.  It definitely shows in all she does.  Again I can't say thank you enough!

If you love my new look check out her page and get a makeover yourself!

Finally I just have to say how much I love this picture:

One of my best friends (and Aiden's Godmother) took my maternity pictures for me and this one was the favorite for me, her, and Nygel.  I love the fact that I can see myself looking down at Aiden. Denise stood up on my bed to get this picture and I was so happy with how it turned out.

I couldn't look at this picture for a while after he passed.  It made me so sad to think that he should have still been where he was in this picture but instead he was gone forever.  But when I was trying to find pictures for Fran to use in my header I remembered this one.  My favorite picture.....of me and Aiden.  I realized I really wanted a picture of us together to be the first thing people saw on my page. It makes the blog I've created to honor and remember him complete.....absolutely perfect.

I love you my miracle angel baby.  Forever and ever.


Love,
Mommy

Today, Tomorrow, and Cami Cam

Today I'm a little nervous. There is a lot going on today. I'm trying not to worry or stress...what good will that do? I know that God has a plan and I'm trying to remember that. It's not always easy but then again life isn't always easy. I know that right? I mean look at what happened with Aiden.

Trust in the LORD with all your heart, 

and do not lean on your own understanding. 

In all your ways acknowledge him,

and he will make straight your paths. 

Proverbs 3:5-6

So this morning I'm sitting here with Cami Cam and I'm not worrying. Today is going to come and go and tomorrow is a new day and a new chance.

Here are some pictures of Miss Cam from last night...she's getting huge!!! She wanted to hang out on my shoulders and be silly. Nygel took lots of pictures to share the moment with everyone. I didn't even get a chance to take my work clothes off before she went crazy!

Nygel's Favorite Picture (above)

And then she went to sleep! What a baby! She's so cute when she's sleeping....and quiet!! We really do love this dog :) She makes me smile!

I love taking pictures with my iPhone but I really want to get a nice camera soon. I'd like to take some really great pictures and capture all the wonderful things in our life. I want to remember everything....every moment. I'm going to work on that camera :)

Anyway that's it for now. I'll check in again soon......

Support Group

My support group at Bo's Place has been a great source of strength for me over the last 5 weeks. The 3 women who are a part of the group with me are wonderful, strong, supportive, creative, fun, and know how to give a great hug! Our facilitators have presented us with such carefully planned activities and topic discussions each week. I can't believe my time at Bo's Place is coming to an end. But I know I'm stronger because of this group and for that I give thanks. Thank you God for knowing what and who I needed at just the right time.

So I wanted to share something from my group session this week:

This little master piece is my quilt square for a quilt that will be kept at Bo's Place. Each person who goes through a grief support program at Bo's Place creates a quilt square to remember their loved one. It can be words, pictures, scribbles, what ever you like. Once they have collected enough squares Bo's Place sends them off to be made into a memorial quilt. All the people in a support group together will have their squares placed on the same quilt so they are always together.

They have some amazing ladies that work on these quilts! Every one of them is a perfect piece of art. Once the quilts are ready they are hung on various walls throughout Bo's Place. From the first day I walked into the building I was struck by how touching these quilts are. I couldn't stop reading square after square, learning about all the love shared for lost family members. There are squares made by all ages and some of the best are the simple drawings of small children who don't quite have the words to express their feelings....their pictures say it all.

I'm so glad that Aiden will always be remembered on the walls of Bo's Place because this group has truly helped me in my grieving and healing process.

On another note I wanted to share with you all a few things that I think are just great!!! First is the Jenna Journal Drive. Franchesca at Small Bird Studio is doing a journal drive for her baby girl Jenna's birthday. The Jenna Journal Drive will provide journals to parents in the NICU to record their memories and feelings during their journey, Please check out her page and donate a journal or two or three!

I know that journaling has helped me a lot in this grief journey and I think it's great to provide other baby loss mamas the same outlet to express their feelings. I'm personally going to try to collect at least 10 journals for the drive. If you want to donate with me let me know. All the journals I send will be in memory of Aiden and will include a very beautiful sticker with his name. If you want to donate on your own go to this page for all the details. I'll be sending my journals the around the middle of March so that Fran will have them in time for Jenna's birthday on May 5th. If you want to send a journal in Aiden's memory let me know soon! You can leave a comment or send me an e-mail.

Next I wanted to share Tiffany's page that offers support for those experiencing the loss of a baby because of SIDS. In His Name provides resources and survival kits for families in honor of her beautiful son Julius.

I hope you will all take a moment to stop by her page and support this project. I know that it will mean so much to the families that are dealing with this horrible loss. Also go visit Tiffany's page and enter her awesome giveaway for the month of February. It's sponsored by Franchesca which means it will be really great!!!

Finally I wanted to share some love! Mattie has arranged for herself and other bloggers to post about all about love during the month of February. This blog series is called What Love Really Means and will run from February 1st through 14th. Each day she will post which blog to visit for the day with the goal of helping other baby loss mamas feel loved- what a GREAT idea!!! Mattie is also doing some great giveaways during the month so make sure to check those out too!!! 

I think you should definitely take some time to visit these blogs each day. We could all use some love and hope and what better time to do it than February- the month of LOVE! Also it's a great chance to get to know other baby loss mamas and their precious angels.

Whew! That's it for now...this one was kinda long! I hope everyone has a great Saturday!

3 Months Today

Wow.....3 months ago I delivered my precious baby boy- stillborn. I can't believe that much time has passed already. It's crazy how time seems to have stood still over the last 3 months. You ever feel like that? Like you're frozen in time and everything else is moving around you? I think it's like that for people who experience baby loss. My husband describes the same feeling to me when talking about the time immediately following Aiden's death.

A really sweet BLM told me that after she lost her twin baby girls her father described her as being in a fog. And slowly pieces of her began to emerge from the fog. Little pieces of herself....but changed. That's how I feel- I'm slowly coming back but I'm changed....forever. Thank you so much Sarah for sharing that with me :)

I miss Aiden so much. I think that even though I'm getting better I will still have bad days for awhile and I'm ok with that. I may still have bad days 30 years from now. I'll never be completely over losing my son...how could I be? But slowly I think the waves of sadness will come less frequently and the new me- the stronger me- will continue to survive.

Aiden,

If only I could hold you in my arms one last time. I wish I could hug you and kiss you. I wish I could whisper in your ear how much I love you. I pray that you know you are forever in my heart. I can't wait to dance with you in my dreams again soon! I love you my sweet miracle angel baby.....forever and ever.

Love,

Mommy

I also want to take a moment to tell my fabulous mom happy birthday! Thank you Mummy for ALWAYS being there for me. We would not have made it through the last 3 months without you. I love you! You have made me who I am today and I'm proud to be your daughter.

Being Ok.....

Can't believe I'm posting again today! I'm getting kinda good at this blogging thing. That's the third time today but this one will be quick.

I'm just a little frustrated that people expect me to be ok all the time. It's like it was ok to be sad for awhile but now I need to get over it. I don't know what to say other than you don't know how it feels. You don't know how it feels to be in my shoes, with this pain, this emptiness, this despair. I miss my son. I try to put on a happy face and most of the time I honestly feel ok. I'm not good or bad.....just ok. But a happy face doesn't take away the pain in my heart. And I think that considering most days I do a pretty good job of being ok it should be alright if some days I'm just not. I love my family and friends- they have been here through everything these last 3 months. I just think that it's hard to get people to understand what I'm feeling.

Tomorrow will be 3 months since we lost Aiden....I can't believe it has been 3 months already. It's just crazy that this time has gone by. Some days it feels like yesterday- I can still remember everything that happened that day. It's burned into my memory. Sometimes it seems like I've aged 30 years in the last 3 months. So weird. I know tomorrow will be hard for me. I should be holding a 3 month old baby not dreaming of the memories I had with him over 9 months. I could use some prayers :)

Some Happy for Today

Almost out the door and I decided to share some happy for today. Here's a list I made the other day of things that make me smile (in no particular order as my sister wanted me to point out!):

1. Puppy licks on my window....love that Cam

2. Hugs and kisses from Nygel

3. Doing nothing all day!

4. Dancing with Aiden :)

5. Hanging out with Mummy, Carissia, and Kayla

6. Yummy food!!

7. Wine!

8. Anything purple

9. Being able to laugh again

10. Being crazy with Denise

This is my happy list for today. I think it's a pretty good idea to remember that in the middle of all this sadness there are good and happy things in your life. I plan to make a happy list on a regular basis and I'll share it here with you.

Have a happy Tuesday!

Starting Today

So I've been planning to do this blog thing for awhile now and I decided to finally get started. During the last 3 months since losing Aiden I've found that writing helps me more than ever. Almost like I can pour out what's in my heart without worrying about being judged or bothering someone.

The last few days have been rough. I'm trying to get a lot of Aiden's pictures framed and up plus I'm working on a few other projects for him. I also am going to be a group leader for a Face2Face group here in Houston so I've been working on stuff for that and reading a lot of women's stories. Every one of them just breaks my heart and I think all of it just got to me yesterday. So I spent several hours on Sunday sleeping after a lot of crying.

Our little puppy Cam keeps us busy so it's hard to get too sad but I still miss Aiden every day. I think he was with me yesterday though because when I woke up I opened all the windows in the house and pulled up the blinds starting with our bedroom. I just wanted some fresh air in the house. When I got back to my room it was so nice and breezy- peaceful. I climbed back in the bed but I felt so much better. Nygel came in the room and was like "ummm are you back in the bed again??" I started smiling and told him "Aiden's here can't you feel it- it's so peaceful." And he was kinda like "wow I really can feel it." It was nice- my baby boy looking out for me when he knew I was sad :)

Last night was hard too. I'm not sure why but I just couldn't stop crying. Although I was thinking of Aiden I think my cycle starting did not do me any favors with the crying issue. I went to bed really early last night and surprisingly I feel better this morning. My baby boy at work again :)

I'm ready to be "normal" again but I know that this is my new "normal" and I'm slowly getting used to the new me......